Disclosure

I remember the August 1998 night i was hanging with a group of freinds, as we finsihed a night of bowling and lauging and lots of goofiness. There was a nice guy there his name was Brian. Brian and I had exchanegd some looks throughout the night. It was though knowing looks that we knew something noone else did. An unspoken secret that was in the air sitting like dust particles spinning around.

As we were all getting ready to leave he offered me a ride home. "Sure i just live a down on Colton St." It wasnt the best area wasnt the worse area either. Seemed everyone in Spokane had been in this area to live at some point in their tenure there. he pulled up in front of the two level apartment i lived in. We exchanged random words about our day and the fun time we had. I started to say goodbye and he leaned over and kissed me. ......WHAOH<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The only catch to what would be a normally sweet and tender moment is the fact that inside waiting for me to get home was my wife. That is right my wife of 4 years. I stopped and awkwardly got out of the car and waived goodnight. Realizing at that moment I had excitetment in my pants and confusion in my head. I had kissed before but never really like that. Up to that point I did not allow my fantasy to ever become a reality.

To say that was the start of major changes in my life would be an understatement. The next day i spoke with one of my close freinds what had transpired and the confusion in my head. She asked my thoughts and I told her "I think I'm Gay" ... Her response was a very simple and forceful "DUH" and the biggest hug I think i have ever reecived...

What transpired from that moment was a journey i could not have prepared myself for in the least. The months following were all about disclosure, being open to everyone in my life in regards to the new life and path I was heading down. I was suprised by the amount of openness i had in my life as well as the amount of poeple who felt they knew for years about the truth I had come to accept.

I thought the idea of accepting and disclosing was finished and that it would be time to move on and enjoy the simple life. LOL, well just like the song "When You Say You Love Me writen by Darren Hayes" if you wanna make god laugh all you have to do is tell him your plan.

Fast forward to november 2005. Sitting in a room at Gay City I was given the news of a lifetime... Miles looked at the little test tube that was deciphering my blood next to me. "It's Positive" ... I smiled and took a breath... "that good right, your positive its all clean?" ... " Um no Michael it is positive for the HIV virus."... Theroom felt like it was vibrating... echoing through the walls and everything seemed quite surreal. I was handed a pamphlet, a date to come back the following weeek and a Hug ("I rarely ever offer a hug but I am a bit worried about you" ) ... "ah whatever I will be fine... always am"

I was scared to call anyone for fear of the dissapointment they the poeple in my life would surely feel... wondering if my death was more at hand than i had percieved it just two hours earlier. I called my freind Ro... he had me drive to his house in west seattle so we could be there together to make sense out of something that very senseless. We sat and cried tried to figure out all the hows and whys.

The next question was the hardest though... who should i tell or should i hide the fact that I now had the one thing that so many had thought me immune to. The funny thing about stepping back and looking at your own mortality is that some things seem less important than they did before. For me the biggest revelation was that since coming out of the closet I had tried to live my life as openly and honestly as possible.

I am a pisces and I definitately wear my heart on my sleeve. Why would something like this change me being open and hosnest with the world. It was still a challenge though. Sometimes telling another person you have a chronic incurable disease is like sharing this massive secret with the world that opens you up.

Much like coming out as gay it is a personal decision. For me I am thankful for the support that I have. Honestly I would be lying if i said it was an easy path... it has taken me about 3 and a half years to get to the place that I feel comfortable enough to place myself completely in the category as POZ. I commemorated surviving three years with my first two major tattoos ...

*The biohazard symbol which is kinda the international symbol for being poz...
*The Radiation symbol anyone who knows me knows that I love superheroes and most of them got there powers by being radiated...

So i now move forward marked and accepting that we have things in our life that challenge us ... but the one lesson i have learned is disclosing your faults and identities are the most honest and sincerest way to form your own acceptance of the challenging.

Dam's

I was thinking the last night about dam's. They are amazing wonders of modern technology. I have always been intriqued by them.

When i was 12 my grandma took it upon herself to go on a two day adventure from Spokane to Troy, Mt. I am not really sure what the trip was about except to just get me away for a couple days. We stopped at the Libby Dam. We adventured and went on the tour of the facility.Ii remember just being intriqued at the power and work it took to create something as resouceful as a damn. It held back the waters and let a small amount seep through in order to convert the rest to energy for the betterment of man.

I had forgotten about that trip until two years ago when the guy I was dating at the time talked me into a weekend Portland Trip. The trip was filled with so much great food (he was a chef and thereby a food connosier), some sickness, humour and a trip to Bonneville Dam. I was surprised how intriques i still was with the whole set up of the damn, the fish ladder and all the impacts on of our society.

Move the hands of time forward to last night. I was trying to capture the exact emotion that was in my head. Then it hit me that I was like a damn I have find that I am always on the go, i am like a river moving downstream on my way to the great open waters, my reprive. As I am drifting i am gather rocks, moss, animals, and all sorts of orgamizms in the undertow of my design.

Building creating and drifting brings with it so much emotions, baggages, and a past that is was created and not necesarily in the manner which i hope for.

WHAP!!!

I take it upon myself to slow the calendar, take a much needed break and like those DAM's I am am being filter and converted and twisted through the process. The only thing is that I am a well of so many emotions on the this side. I am realizing that I have been keeping myself and at bay in order to avoid all the emotions and thoughts deeply imbedded inside my head. Now that the filter process is happening I sense a loss, a settling.

Truth is that I am for the first time seeing certain patterns in my life that I have to learn to avoid... the main one being that i tend to distance myself when i get to close to poeple ... a protection? possibly... or is it just a matter of survival .. wanting to live with a certain sense of chaos in my life... my mom once said that is how it always was growing up. That subject is for another blog though .

So now i find myself in a new stage in life a new start and i am working so had to find my footing and not be overwhelmed by the amount of love, freindship and great positive things around me .. . i am hoping that this dam provide some much needed energy for the future that i take away on... a new grand adventure....

What You Own

I was looking around the house the other day as i was picking out closthes for the next day. A habit I started in order to not stress the next morning and get to have just a few extra minutes to sleep in.

As i wandered from the closet of hanging clothes to my drawer that houses socks, underwear and folded up t-shirts i realized how easy it is to count the different relationships.

I looked at the jeans from the latest guy who said it would be an amazing relationship, he lent me the jeans for the night but said i looked so good in them I should keep them.

There was the pirate shirt that i seem to avoid at all costs, why cause cause it makes me remeber I am not that tiny anymore. Not all emacuiated from the summer that nearly ruined me.

i wear a ring i bought that spins around. I bought it to try and not think about the diagnosis that i had less than a week before that would change my world forever.

the shoes that my olympia guy said i would be so great in. " ben sherman is definitely your style." I was so excited to think i had an designer. I mean he researched what designs would look great on me for days ... it was quitet flattering.

I dig a bit deeper and there is the shirt that my first partner had bought me to "pretty" up. He alwasya had a way of making me feel less than. Yet now we are healed and matured. He is a great man.

the fancy almost see through underwear i bought to enjoy the late nights at The Eagle underwear night. I was so scared to walk into a bar and walk around with nothin but shoes and undies on. Yet i did it with a courage i still flounder with a bit. the man i was dating went with me. He is now one of my closest freinds and we joke about it all still.

Looking through all these clothes and somehow in my mind i still smell the scents of the poeple the places and the identities. Each article with their own identity and story. Some of my favortite clothes have disappeared never to be seen again ... there is a reason for that i am sure ... they ran away to hide knowing that just like a repressed memory or a block thought... it is unwise for me to remember...

So i realize that it is time. time to buy some of my own clothes... some new outfits and things that when i think of the articles iof clothing will make me feel like me... the quote the musical... "we are what we rent not what you own" ... well that doesnt work for me anymore i want to own...