I was sitting on the CASCADE Train on the way back from Portland to Seattle. My first round trip ion a train almost finsihed. The lights in the car ( I think that is what they are called on a train) were dimmed. I wasn't able to watch the movie playing ("Marley and Me") due to defective headphones sound in Car #7. So I decided to play a game of FreeCell and listen to my Ipod. I looked down and saw the lights light up in the aisle. The lights hovering almost under the seats.
Lately I feel that I am seeing a path very similar to that aisle. Something slowly lighting up. Shadows are just a memory and I a feeling of not letting go. So many things that are changing in a very short time. All these are adding to the fact that at 35 I have a clarity of mind that I have not formed until now. A wisdom and acceptance of who I am and who I want to be.
The most important of these is the move that I will be making on June 27th. I will be officially moving to Bothell, Wa. This will be a great move to be closer to work and to be a bit of a slower pace. I feel that this will give me some much needed time to work on some musical ideas as well as some writings that I am way overdue for my soul.
I have always spent a great deal of time reflecting on the relationships I have had. What has made them work and what has made them fail. There are certain things that I see as being a constant in my life. I havent been ready to give all that I was and too scared to let go of so much of the past. I feel that turning 35 has changed that. I am finally ready to let the ghosts of my past go, so to speak. Time to move one step forward and find new ground.
The past few months I have been reflecting on what I want, don't want and where my life is leading. I have loved being a facilitator and knowledgeable resource in the HIV world. I felt that there was a purpose that was greater than me to be working on this. Well I opened myself up to someone and started building a freindship. This is that part of life that take those turns you can never expect. After many medical and clinical talks and conversations somewhere one of these conversations turned and made a sharp left.
The past few weeks I have gotten to know an amazing man. J. has opened up in me something that I had forgotten was there. I think that he entered my life at the right time with the right expectations. getting to know someone like this is a new thing. I am enjoying the slow simmer that started and has now turned into full on dating. This is also the first time I have ever thought about the concept of a long distance relationship. He is in Portland. Or and I am still in Seattle, Wa. I have realized that the short distance thing was working for me so why not try it.
I went on a multiple day visit down to Portland and the time I spent down there was amazing. We connected in an amazing way on many levels. I was inpressed by the company that he keeps and the way his freinds care so much about him and his well being. That shows a lot about a person. It truly feels like the right person, at the right time, at the right point in my life. I am not sure how it all happened but it just feels right. It left me in a daze when I left, it will not be easy but I know that this is different and I am excited to be taking this journey. Something about this feels so right and good.
I was reflecting about the poeple as well in my journey I am on. I am truly blessed. I have some amazing freinds. I am very very lucky. Freinds that show me on a regular basis that I am truly cared for, and that i am important to them. I think that is key to finding happiness is to surround yourself in light. I am blessed to have poeple like Ducky, Heidi, Chris, Dawn, Brandon, Lacey, Paul, and anyone i didnt mention ... the truth is i am touched by many poeple. I am glad they let me fall and let me pick myself back up. They help in a gentle and caring way and they never give up on me when even i have felt I had given up on myself.
There is something to be said about finding something and fighting for it. It is time for a lot of changes in my life. The best thing is that the changes are all good and positive flowing. I am thankful for that and for the path that is lighting its way to me.
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