It’s that time to reflect open and honestly about the end of the year... I usually look at my birthday and try and see what the year brought, but this year a gentle reflection on the end of 2009 is definitely in store.
2009 become a huge a year of ACCEPTANCE for me:
I ended a very intense year of therapy this year, I know that the time will come when I will need it more again. But I learned so much before I decided to take a need break.
The first thing I learned to accept was that I am worthy person. The truth is that I have spent the better part of my life being surrounded by people that pushed their insecurities onto me and taught me that I was worthless. It was a safe place for me, it meant never looking inside and seeing the truth that I was worth more than that.
I learned to accept that I have limits. I was so volunteer crazy, once again as a way to hide the insecurities deep rooted in me. I decided to step back and find myself and let some things go in order to not be the volunteer crazy man and pick which organizations I am willing to give my time to.
My largest ACCEPTANCE was of my HIV status. It took about 3.5 years for it to finally set in. When I was diagnosed I went straight into support groups, doctors, volunteering, writing, coping, meds, and a lot of soul searching. I hated myself for a long time. I hated that I was stupid enough to get this VIRUS. I hated what it did to my soul and my heart.
Something happened this year while i was facilitating the newly diagnosed support group I ran for the past two years. The group was talking on a day after a particularly intense therapy session of my own. I was finally ok with the fact that I had HIV. It sounded so funny with how outspoken I had been but I don't think I had truly accepted that I was going to be ok and live a long life and be able to be content with it.
A funny thing happens when you learn to ACCEPT that you are worthy of good things and that you are a good person and be content. I found a peace unlike anything I had known before in my life. I truly saw the world differently and wanted to make a mark to bring good things to the world.
The other crazy thing that happened was meeting the man I am so in love with. It is a powerful and strength binding love. It is so pure and wonderful. Jacob (the BF) told me that even since he has met me I have gained so much confidence. I am finding that he doesn’t allow me to step into those old habits of thinking I am not worth anything. Though I now find that if anyone makes me feel that way it is time to push them away.
Goodbye 2009 you will be missed but it means that I am approaching 2010 with greater strength than I did in 2009. I am truly blessed and looking forward to this great adventure.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
2009-- Renewal
The end of December is always a fun time in the year and as with many people it is a time for reflection and change. A time to see what the year has brought and what the next year will be consisting of.
I think if i was to sum up the year in one word it would be impossible... healing, loving, nurturing, confident!!!
I feel that 2009, for me, will be remembered as the year I came into my own and found my voice. I feel as if it is the ramp up to the great year that 2010 will be.
Entering 2009 i was very trepidatious about what will happen and feeling very lost. As the year started a few days into the year I spent a number of days in Spokane with my family and realized that as grown children my family is so amazing and blessed to have the ties we have held onto. That trip started something that I never expected: the healing.
The year continued down the path of me exploring my individuality as well as the friendships and bonds that I have decided to nurture. I grew closer to some and I let others drift away that were not bringing me strength but instead sucked me dry.
I felt as if i was going to give up writing, music, photography and all the things I loved artistically .. simply to explore and live life and not to work to BE something but get to know myself. My strengths and my weaknesses. This included a lot of letting go of the past and a lot of soul searching. I was so happy with who I was becoming and very content with my solitude.
That is when the year took a strange beautiful turn. A friend that I had been talking to became what would be the greatest lover, friend, and soul mate I could have ever asked for. Fate has a way of doing that. Jacob has taught me about myself. He lets me be the man that I know that I am. He gets me and my sense of humour. I think one of my favorite things that he said to me aside from the obvious romantic and heartfelt words is when he looked at me and said " I'm proud to be your boyfriend and I have seen you gain so much confidence since I have known you" I agree with him looking at the year as whole.
The year did bring some loss. First it was losing Jacob's dad very sad and unexpectedly. I know that we were meant to meet when we did. I am thankful I was there to help Jacob and to do any little thing I could. I appreciated what he and I both have as far as families and each other. We were strengthened.
As always there is a balance and I ended up in Sante Fe and the other side of my family. In the midst of of a family reunion/wedding I found out more about myself and my strengths. There is so much love in the world and sometimes it is worth taking a risk. My family showed me more of that and it was a treasure to get to know the lives of my relatives as an adult and the ability to look back and see the world in a different light.
Then the loss of my Grandpa... I know this one will take a while to heal from ... once again with Jacob I approached this loss with a renewed sense of self and strength. I found that I have an amazing and supportive man in my life. I have amazing friends and a very strong family.
In this year of so much loss and happiness... the only thing I originally chose to not do (the artist endeavours) kinda backfired. I found that I am loving photography more than I ever dreamt. Definitely felt with the encouragement of Jacob, Family and Friends. I have been craving more musical release and definitely am ready to write more ... the words want to flow and the cork is about to pop...
I am so so thankful to be alive and despite the rough health stuff I have also endured this year it all seems so minor when I look at the big picture and see that my year has been filled with love, heartache., and hope .. yet also a renewal and reminder the man I have been and who I am now. I really like who I am and am proud to be where I am at this stage of my life. I am definitely ready for the next chapter.
I think if i was to sum up the year in one word it would be impossible... healing, loving, nurturing, confident!!!
I feel that 2009, for me, will be remembered as the year I came into my own and found my voice. I feel as if it is the ramp up to the great year that 2010 will be.
Entering 2009 i was very trepidatious about what will happen and feeling very lost. As the year started a few days into the year I spent a number of days in Spokane with my family and realized that as grown children my family is so amazing and blessed to have the ties we have held onto. That trip started something that I never expected: the healing.
The year continued down the path of me exploring my individuality as well as the friendships and bonds that I have decided to nurture. I grew closer to some and I let others drift away that were not bringing me strength but instead sucked me dry.
I felt as if i was going to give up writing, music, photography and all the things I loved artistically .. simply to explore and live life and not to work to BE something but get to know myself. My strengths and my weaknesses. This included a lot of letting go of the past and a lot of soul searching. I was so happy with who I was becoming and very content with my solitude.
That is when the year took a strange beautiful turn. A friend that I had been talking to became what would be the greatest lover, friend, and soul mate I could have ever asked for. Fate has a way of doing that. Jacob has taught me about myself. He lets me be the man that I know that I am. He gets me and my sense of humour. I think one of my favorite things that he said to me aside from the obvious romantic and heartfelt words is when he looked at me and said " I'm proud to be your boyfriend and I have seen you gain so much confidence since I have known you" I agree with him looking at the year as whole.
The year did bring some loss. First it was losing Jacob's dad very sad and unexpectedly. I know that we were meant to meet when we did. I am thankful I was there to help Jacob and to do any little thing I could. I appreciated what he and I both have as far as families and each other. We were strengthened.
As always there is a balance and I ended up in Sante Fe and the other side of my family. In the midst of of a family reunion/wedding I found out more about myself and my strengths. There is so much love in the world and sometimes it is worth taking a risk. My family showed me more of that and it was a treasure to get to know the lives of my relatives as an adult and the ability to look back and see the world in a different light.
Then the loss of my Grandpa... I know this one will take a while to heal from ... once again with Jacob I approached this loss with a renewed sense of self and strength. I found that I have an amazing and supportive man in my life. I have amazing friends and a very strong family.
In this year of so much loss and happiness... the only thing I originally chose to not do (the artist endeavours) kinda backfired. I found that I am loving photography more than I ever dreamt. Definitely felt with the encouragement of Jacob, Family and Friends. I have been craving more musical release and definitely am ready to write more ... the words want to flow and the cork is about to pop...
I am so so thankful to be alive and despite the rough health stuff I have also endured this year it all seems so minor when I look at the big picture and see that my year has been filled with love, heartache., and hope .. yet also a renewal and reminder the man I have been and who I am now. I really like who I am and am proud to be where I am at this stage of my life. I am definitely ready for the next chapter.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Passing Through
I have been taking a bit of a vacation from posting... I was writing a whole bunch and then my life took a little twist...
On November 17th I got a call from my brothers GF telling me that my Grandpa passed away... I was in such shock and the only think I knew to do was directly get onto a plane and go home to Spokane, WA. Arriving there was such a shock in my system not knowing what to do or what to say.
It kicked my brain into gear about thinking about life and what it means and what my purpose was... I have tried to write lately and everything comes out sounds like drudgery shit... I have definitely been thinking about the year and all it has entailed ... a year ago who would have guessed I would have had such an odd year...
My Grandpa passed leaving such legacy behind in my life... When I was 5 years old my Mom and grandparents entered my life. The man that raised me wasn't one for nurturing or for even showing much in the way of love. My Grandpa Roland Edward Moen was on the other end of the spectrum. He was a man with a heart that I admired ...
I would spend summers with my Grandparents house... getting mad to just have to go home. My Grandpa would let me follow him around and be his shadow with no complaining. On the contrary my GP made his grandchildren the center of his world. That wasnt an easy task seeing that my brother aaron and I were not his biological Grandkids yet somehow he never treated us as so.
As a boy I remember thinking how I loved how my GP thought and how I admired his sensitivity. I always looked to staying up til 9.15pm. He was a used car salesman and he would get off work at 9 and get home at 9.15. We would talk about cars and our day. GP would always grab a box of Zweiback. (Children teething cookies) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zwieback. He would put butter on them and then a glass of milk... it was our routine and I loved it ... sometimes we would put some skippers creamy peanut butter on them.
I remember one night of watching Dr. Who and grandpa and I eating Bugles. Well I went a bit crazy and ate the whole box. I woke up vomiting all over the bed and GP. He just got up changed the bedding and his clothes and told me it was all ok and we went back to bed.
My GP taught me about boats, cars, yardworking, gardening, cleanliness (he always said to wipe his shower after use so that it didnt get the water spots) LOL ... He even taught me how to shave. The day of my GP's open house I had to shave and was in the actually bathroom that he showed me how to shave... That is when i finally lost it.
My GP had so much life and even though he was 84 he was still active. In september of this year my GM and GP celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. I brought Jacob with me. We sat down and my grandpa offered to get Jacob coffee ... at his own anniversary party LOL!!! I am thankful Jacob got to meet my GP.
My GP was certainly my hero. My MoM and I had a lot of time to talk and she agreed that her life was so much better for my GP being in it. I am thankful that he went from an instant heart attack ... knowing he didnt suffer was good but it opened my eyes. Life is short.
This year i have expereienced one of the best things ever ... Meeting my Jacob... he is an amazing man that I click with on every level and I think we came into each others lives for a reason. Earlier this year he lost his Father in a similar way as my GP. It was instant and yet the pain is so hard to even grasp. We both have grown stronger knowing that we are stronger cause we have our strengths to lean on.
I still think daily about my GP and the many things he brought to my life. I hope everyone gets a chance to know a man like him. The last time I saw my GP he was very adament that Jacob and I stop by and get cookies from him. I remember thinking how I thought it odd he was so wanting us to come and see him. I think something in him knew time was precious. I am so glad i got to have that chance to visit with him.
It has definitly brought it to my mind what muy goals and dreams are and what I want to accomplish but I dont know anymore... I figured I would have life more planned by this time. I feel like I am more lost now... i want to go see my GP and talk to him about it but he isnt there... I hate that... I want to be the singer/songwriter that my GP told me he was proud of... I want to be a writer... I want to be a father and a husband...
My GP came to every event in my life... the boring (and bad) plays, cello performances, talent shows, graduations, every event there was to attend my GP was there ... he taught me so much and I feel that I am a part of who I am because of his love.
I think 2009 has been the year of becoming becoming who I am and finding peace ... 2010 is the year for me to take my skills and talent and get them out in the world... time to buckle down and finish the things I have started on my journey... I plan to have many completed projects by years end of 2010.
I am thankful for the the poeple in my life and how many have passed through in some form or another... I am most thankful for Jacob who has been my sanity this past year... he is dreamy and a true gem and inspiration ...
On November 17th I got a call from my brothers GF telling me that my Grandpa passed away... I was in such shock and the only think I knew to do was directly get onto a plane and go home to Spokane, WA. Arriving there was such a shock in my system not knowing what to do or what to say.
It kicked my brain into gear about thinking about life and what it means and what my purpose was... I have tried to write lately and everything comes out sounds like drudgery shit... I have definitely been thinking about the year and all it has entailed ... a year ago who would have guessed I would have had such an odd year...
My Grandpa passed leaving such legacy behind in my life... When I was 5 years old my Mom and grandparents entered my life. The man that raised me wasn't one for nurturing or for even showing much in the way of love. My Grandpa Roland Edward Moen was on the other end of the spectrum. He was a man with a heart that I admired ...
I would spend summers with my Grandparents house... getting mad to just have to go home. My Grandpa would let me follow him around and be his shadow with no complaining. On the contrary my GP made his grandchildren the center of his world. That wasnt an easy task seeing that my brother aaron and I were not his biological Grandkids yet somehow he never treated us as so.
As a boy I remember thinking how I loved how my GP thought and how I admired his sensitivity. I always looked to staying up til 9.15pm. He was a used car salesman and he would get off work at 9 and get home at 9.15. We would talk about cars and our day. GP would always grab a box of Zweiback. (Children teething cookies) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zwieback. He would put butter on them and then a glass of milk... it was our routine and I loved it ... sometimes we would put some skippers creamy peanut butter on them.
I remember one night of watching Dr. Who and grandpa and I eating Bugles. Well I went a bit crazy and ate the whole box. I woke up vomiting all over the bed and GP. He just got up changed the bedding and his clothes and told me it was all ok and we went back to bed.
My GP taught me about boats, cars, yardworking, gardening, cleanliness (he always said to wipe his shower after use so that it didnt get the water spots) LOL ... He even taught me how to shave. The day of my GP's open house I had to shave and was in the actually bathroom that he showed me how to shave... That is when i finally lost it.
My GP had so much life and even though he was 84 he was still active. In september of this year my GM and GP celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. I brought Jacob with me. We sat down and my grandpa offered to get Jacob coffee ... at his own anniversary party LOL!!! I am thankful Jacob got to meet my GP.
My GP was certainly my hero. My MoM and I had a lot of time to talk and she agreed that her life was so much better for my GP being in it. I am thankful that he went from an instant heart attack ... knowing he didnt suffer was good but it opened my eyes. Life is short.
This year i have expereienced one of the best things ever ... Meeting my Jacob... he is an amazing man that I click with on every level and I think we came into each others lives for a reason. Earlier this year he lost his Father in a similar way as my GP. It was instant and yet the pain is so hard to even grasp. We both have grown stronger knowing that we are stronger cause we have our strengths to lean on.
I still think daily about my GP and the many things he brought to my life. I hope everyone gets a chance to know a man like him. The last time I saw my GP he was very adament that Jacob and I stop by and get cookies from him. I remember thinking how I thought it odd he was so wanting us to come and see him. I think something in him knew time was precious. I am so glad i got to have that chance to visit with him.
It has definitly brought it to my mind what muy goals and dreams are and what I want to accomplish but I dont know anymore... I figured I would have life more planned by this time. I feel like I am more lost now... i want to go see my GP and talk to him about it but he isnt there... I hate that... I want to be the singer/songwriter that my GP told me he was proud of... I want to be a writer... I want to be a father and a husband...
My GP came to every event in my life... the boring (and bad) plays, cello performances, talent shows, graduations, every event there was to attend my GP was there ... he taught me so much and I feel that I am a part of who I am because of his love.
I think 2009 has been the year of becoming becoming who I am and finding peace ... 2010 is the year for me to take my skills and talent and get them out in the world... time to buckle down and finish the things I have started on my journey... I plan to have many completed projects by years end of 2010.
I am thankful for the the poeple in my life and how many have passed through in some form or another... I am most thankful for Jacob who has been my sanity this past year... he is dreamy and a true gem and inspiration ...
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