Thursday, March 18, 2010

2010 Yearly Song Pick

Nine years ago I started a new tradition of picking a "SONG OF THE YEAR" for my birthday. The song is a vision of where i have been and a glimpse into where i am heading ... the past years have been :

*Precious Illusions - Alanis Morissette (2002)
*Good Enough - Darren Hayes (2003)
*Kinda Hard - Eric Himan (2004)
*Farewell to The Old Me - Dar Williams (2005)
*Whole- Casey Stratton (2006)
*Phoenix Rising - Dan Paul (2007)
*Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood(2008)
*32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco

This year I chose a song from a particularly powerful EP. Christopher Dallman is an amazing singer songwriter that recorded an album Race The Light a few years ago. Christopher took some time off and it showed that he struggled to figure out his next move. The result was the heartbreaking honest new ep "NEVER WAS" (http://christopherdallman.bandcamp.com/album/never-was). This song that I chose is all about picking yourself off and saying it is time to either shit or get off the pot. It is that time for me. I am ready for the creative year I have started :) ENJOY!!!

COMING AROUND - CHRISTOPHER DALLMAN (2010)

I’m changing the way that I do business
I’m closing up shop
I woke up on a question
‘Is this my life or not?’
I’ve cooked the books so long
To feel like I was giving it a shot
But I’m not
I’m not

I don’t know how it got to where
I sleepwalk through every day
My pen don’t move
My guitar never seems to want to play
9-5 I’m half alive
How long have I been this way?
Keeping my
pulse at bay

The trick is how you choose to see it
It’s coming around, it’s coming around
If I can dream it, I can be it
It’s coming around, it’s coming around
On the horizon
This kid is wising up

Can you tell me brother
Can you help me understand
How a dream can grow so heavy
It nearly breaks a man?
My baby says to hold on
As long as I can
With a strong, strong hand

The trick is how you choose to see it
It’s coming around, it’s coming around
If I can dream it, I can be it
It’s coming around, it’s coming around
On the horizon
This kid is wising up

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Visions

Here I Go Again, I See My Crystal Visions/I Keep My Visions to Myself...

VISIONS---that word has been floating around in my head a lot. According to the dictionary vision is defines as a “vivid, imaginative conception or anticipation: visions of wealth and glory.”

I think that Stevie Nicks said it really well with the song “Dreams”. I have spent a lifetime keeping my visions to myself. Well this past week I had a chance to talk about my experience of life over the past few years on a online radio show. The result from that was a wave of love and warmth from friends and family. It made me realize some of my vision I have never shared are happening right now in my life.

Sitting in our dining room at the table last night playing my now obsessive Café World on Facebook I looked across the room. I saw Dutchess and our cat Helen chasing each other. They were literally playing and I started to laugh out loud. They were so cute and enjoying life, at least as much as a Chihuahua and black cat can LOL.

A few years ago I sat down with my friend Dawn and we started to write out what we wanted for our lives in 1 and 5 years. Ironically we were at a show here in Portland. I placed the visions of what I wanted inside of me. The funny thing is I didn’t share much with anyone. I thought at the time what I wanted was silly. Boy was I wrong.

The envisioned that I would meet a man that would be non-judgmental and caring. A man that was a partner not just a “roomier with benefits “. I wanted a house with animals in it. A nice warm home to at night. A job that had more meaning to it then fixing people’s cell phone bill. Living in an area of creativity and being eco friendly. Having a nice camera to more shooting with. Have my health get better. There are a lot of other things that are all minor as well.

The point is that I envisioned what I wanted, I worked to make myself healthy and now here I am with all I envisioned. It is opening up a whole world of possibilities. I was reading about vision boards and I started to realize that anything is possible. I didn’t even create a board for my hope and dreams but I mentally envision it. How crazy is that?

I don’t plan to keep my visions to myself anymore and I feel there are more ideas and visions fueling the fire every day. I said this the other day it’s so true. I am at the best place in my life. I have never felt so safe and warm and it is now time to take this warmth and move forward with love and grace.

Thank you so much to the amazing people in my life who understand and accept me for who I am, they are the ones that constantly drive me to be better and move on to a place of healthiness and understanding J

Here is to visions…

Friday, March 5, 2010

Pt. 4 Medicated...

By the time I got around to accepting of sorts and disclosing.. the task of sitting down and talking to the Dr. about my numbers... UGH!!!!

The date was February and I had my latest test. It had only been 3 months since my diagnosis and less than six since I was infected yet my Viral load was 207,000 and my CD4 count was a scary 219. The doctor sat down with me and approached me with the option of whether we would want to start me on medications.

This is the one avenue almost all POZ people question. When and where to start. I started to fight it tooth and nail. The prospect of being on something that I would have to take to stay alive the rest of my life seems like the most horrible thing ever. My doctor sat me down and explained what the meds would do and how without them I would not be able to support my body in the future due to the dropping numbers.

Hesitantly I said yes but not until after my birthday in March. Somehow my birthday snuck up on me and I had to face the hard reality that I would be starting Medications. Previous to that I had to go through what they call HAART. I met with a nutrition specialist, then it was a pharmacist, then a social worker, and then a the trial center to see if I fit into any trials.

When all was said and done I started on my meds (they put me on Truvada, Reyataz, Ritonavir) on March 21st. First day of spring and all that jazz LOL. I seriously thought a new beginning was in store so many things in my life at the time were so chaotic but at least i was able to breathe a bit and rest up.

The day I started my meds i was doing pretty good... or so I thought until I smelled the wafting of Thai food in the neighboring restaurant... that is when my gut went into convulsions. Aside from that I felt good though. Two days into the meds I woke up one night to use the restroom and woke up with my roommate above me asking if i was ok. Apparently I had passed out in the hallway ... of course I went to bed and called the doc in the morning.

By this point everyone at the clinic knew me by name and was always happy to see me cause I approached everything with a biting fun humour. They did some tests and I waited to see what was going on. Results came back and apparently I was having a case of IRS (aka Immune Restoration Syndrome). That is right there is a good kind of IRS.

BTW this would be a good time to note that I have learned acronyms so much since my diagnosis. They are something that just come and go.

My blood was drawn a week after i started my meds and we did the test and I was in shock. Apparently the reason I was so sick was the IRS had brought about a shock in my system due to my drop in viral load. In one week I went from 207000 to 200. My CD4 went from 219 to 289 in one week. The doctor was very excited about all this.

The symptoms slow faded away and were fully gone within a few weeks. The worse part was just adjusting to taking the meds daily and the reminder that this was my life. It was about two months before i was completely undetectable and my cd4 went up.

The one thing though I was thankful for was living in a time when that was the least of my side effects. Truth be told that it was so mild that I could have been worse at one point.

Starting meds was hard but I do continually look at how they have saved my life. Today my numbers are good as of last week I am still have an undetectable viral load and my CD4 is 419. I was told that I will never have high numbers but I am feeling the best yet in my life as far as my HIV health goes.

to be continued