Waking up...

I had a the oddest dreams the other night, though anyone who knows me at all knows I am prone to odd dreams in general.

This particular dream was an ongoing dream that lasted all night... Throughout the dream different people that I have dated came to try and "win" me back. In each dream situation they would be in some random place and see me and tell me that they wanted me and in each time I told the person that I was taken and I would not trade that for the world. They hugged me and said they were happy to hear that and drifted away. It was an odd night but comforting in many ways.

I have been reading a lot lately too, especially on the look out for new energy and inspiration. I read a book by one of my favorite singers called "Amy Grant: Mosaic"(http://www.amazon.com/Mosaic-Pieces-My-Life-Far/dp/0767929675/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274583002&sr=1-1). I have also been reading more news and searching out articles with a more inspiring mode.

I feel like since I was diagnosed my biggest struggle has been to gain something back that I am not even sure I had much to begin with. I was never one to think very highly of who I am or even that what I had to saw was important. A lot goes back to when I was child and raised in a more "children were seen and not heard" frame of mind in company. I spent a great deal of time feeling so awkward growing up that I craved the time when I could hide in my room reading or just feeling that was my safest place at home.

It wasn't until I was writing and performing music with a band that I felt a sense of confidence but something still stood in my way. I realized much later it was that I was gay and coming out could mean (at least in my mind) in the 90's music career suicide. Not that I was a big time artist but I wanted to be. At that stage it was not common to be an out gay singer.

I wasn't one to go out of my way to bring attention to myself. In relationships (platonic and romantic) I would tend to be the more reserved one went after people who had more gregarious and external. This pattern being with others around me that pushed down my "flame" and becoming complacent with my insecurities continued til after my diagnosis.

It was the moment that I was in the midst of a more violent relationship then even I have ever shared when I had an epiphany of sorts. It was very shortly after that I dug myself into the deepest and heart/gut wrenching therapy. I drudged up things that I have rarely, if ever talked to anyone about ... in the midst of the therapy something up... I changed it was a very very slow climb but it was happening.

Moment by moment, day by day I started breaking away from my shell and my I was burning all my insecurities to the ground and I was slowly being reborn and it was very cleansing and exciting. When my healing really was apparent to me was meeting Jacob and knowing that I was in a healthy relationship.

I have notice lately that I have finding so many thing inspiring to me and it hit me that I am learning that it is time to take on so many things and I am a strange point of taking a bit of my own inventory (forgive this "normy" taking on the 12 step wording).

I recently applied for a position for a job with our local HIV organization. Putting it together I realized how much I have accomplished in this life that I constantly questioned my worth. I feel so confidant about this job and my skills. Being with Jacob adds my confidence that I am on the right track.

Sitting here thinking about that dream that I had the other day I realize that is a part of my subconscious telling me that it is time to not hide from ANYTHING I want anymore and to keep working on the things that I love and that inspire me. The only person all this time that has held me down is myself and I am not going to let that monster of insecurity eat me up anymore.

Time to keep this phoenix flying onward ... I am so excited to see where it is all taking me and so excited to have the passengers on the ride with me

Coming out all over again...

This past weekend my close friend Leesa came to visit me. Upon picking me up from work on Saturday we went to find a little pub type environment to catch up some. My partner suggested a place I have been wanting to check out and since I am directional deficient still in my new town, having only been here a couple months, ended up in a different place altogether.

Life is so full of little surprises. The place we went led into the neatest little alcove under the street level. Such a perfect setting to just relax and chill. We ordered our fancy ale and then each ordered some happy hour food. Randomly talking Leesa said very simply

"So what do you think is harder coming out as gay or having HIV?"

I quickly made up a flippant answer of "Well they are both very hard I suppose it is up to each person which one is harder"

Then I sat back and ingested the question and my answer. After a few minutes I said I actually disagree with my answer and I truly believed being HIV thus my brain tried to wrap around the thought.

Coming out as gay is hard and I will never say that it is not something that is challenging and continuously something that almost all LGBTQ people worry about in regards to repercussions and what will follow. Truthfully many of us wear our badge of gayness on our sleeves and once we accept ourselves there is a niche that most of us find.

Now when it come to your HIV status that is a much larger picture as far as acceptance, disclosure, and daily life. Once you are out as gay dating is a bit easier you know that you want to date boys, girls, etc. But once you are HIV+ you are presented with the new challenge of when do you tell someone your status, will they accept you, will they react in an appropriate way, if you are rejected then what do you do if it is awkward...

Being POZ opens up the whole issues of the fact that many people are still sadly uninformed about what that means in terms of being around others. Most families and friends don't worry that the Gay will rub of on them but some still fear if they can catch HIV from drinking out of glasses, a cut, or many of the daily activities one may do with loved ones.

I know that I had an instance where I was at work and I was very open about my status and my boss pulled me into her office to tell me that two people on our team were sick and she didn't want me to get to close since my immune system was compromised. I laughed and said with all the meds that I take I am probably the healthiest one on the team. Sure enough everyone on the team got sick but me.

The idea of even trying to decide who you should or not tell is always hard too. Questions like what if I get sick and they don't know? Is it really any of their business? Will they freak out? Even the added strain of just not sharing can eat some people up for fear that it may make their loved ones more stressed and worry more about your health even when you are doing well.

The big thing I realized is that for a lot of people they really come out of the closet one major time in their life. The sad fact is that coming out as being HIV POZ is constant and feels fresh almost every time you have to disclose...

So much like the fact that Leesa and I went to the wrong pub and found something we did not expect answering her question made me find some thoughts in my head I didn't know were there either.