Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Success of Failure


This weekend my partner and I were trying to figure out our plan for a rare saturday that we have off together. He looked over at me with a mischeivous look I have come to know very well. Expecting to recieve some sort of pinch or prodding that would usually end up resulting with us having a wrestling match and dutchess barking along her enthusiasm.

"Wanna get your tattoo" he said. I had to do a double take. "what did you say?" he repeated me in a mocking way me is endearing and always makes me smile. "of course I am serious or I wouldn't ask"

Of course I said Yes and off for the weekend we went. It was as we were driving to Voodoo Tattoo on Hawthorne that I realized 5 years to the day was the first day I got sick unlike anything I had ever known. I know now that was the week I sero-converted. It got me thinking about all that has happened in the past 5 years. That is part of the reason I chose the tattoo I did.

I decided a few months back I wanted to get a red Ribbon to commemorate all that I had been through the past 5 years and all that I had survived and for a reminder of the strength I have within me. As i was getting the tattoo I began to talk a bit about my journey to my tattoo artist, Willow. She started to tell me a bit about her upcoming journey of going on the road and writing a story of a part of her life that helped form who she is at this stage of her life.

It was truly inspiring. l have been sensing the universe speaking to me a lot through the various people and situations surrounding me. I have been so scared of rejection, acceptance, anxiety, all of the above. I have not given myself the chance to be ok and just be accept who I am with all my gifts and talents.

Then it all make sense and I had some major A-ha moments when Jacob and I were driving around on monday and our favorite relationship radio host came on the air. Her name is Dr. Laura Berman and unlike that other Dr. Laura she is full of amazing advice on the self and on what makes healthy relationships work and stay healthy.

Well this past monday the topic was The Power of Fear. It talked about how we let our fears sometimes get in the way of our day to day living. In some cases even letting it consume us from the inside out. It really was just one more look at how I have been letting my fear of success rule over me.

I think the moment so many things change was honestly when i was diagnosed I think as driven as I was to restart my life I lost my faith that I was worth anything or that I could succeed at all with goals that would equate success. Then I met Jacob and one goal (to have a healthy relationship) was achievable. I think now it is time to find out how to make other things in my life successful. I wish I just knew how to start.

Starting next week I plan to start working out and that is something I want to start as a 1st accomplishment. I will add my new tattoo as a symbol of remembering all i have been through the past 5 years and that after all I have done and seen and become I can now move forward with a stronger sense of success and not let failure swallow