5th Poziversary

5 years ago today my life changed... I entered a new world that I never thought I would have to deal with much less live in. I was diagnosed with HIV. I look back to that time and sometimes feel like life began all over that day. It was as if I had I was taken apart and put back together.


In the past 5 years I have written many ideas on re creating myself and starting life anew. I wrote a few years ago about my "car" aka my life. A car has to have 4 tires to run properly and without a hitch. In the past 5 years I watched my "car" get many flats only to watch it be ready to drive and then to get more flats but I think I am on a path with the right mechanics.


I think of my soul as a car, the 4 tires are represented by:


Spirit: My spirit is healing every day. 5 years ago my spirit seemed empty and crushed. It felt like a smashed mosaic that would never find the right shape again. The truth is that I was very correct. It didn't find the shape that I wanted it to. Instead it took on a whole new shape. I started reading on Buddhism, The Secret, Power of Intention, and Law of Attraction. Then I started to dig deep within my soul and see what there was hidden beneath the surface and was surprised to find a deep seeded sense of purpose. It was within me all along.


Health: Health has been a funny one over the past several years. I have had more health related issue than ever before in my life. This could be due to getting older, HIV, or just the general things that happen in life. The one true thing I have learned is that we only have one body and that we have to take care of it or it falls apart. I am on my way to healthier all the time. Despite the exhaustion I am the healthiest I have ever been. I am even looking to do a run in March.


Career: I struggled for years trying to figure out my perfect career. After my diagnosis I stumbled into something that I did not expect. I started to volunteer and I fell in love with helping others. In particular I gained a passion for helping newly diagnosed HIV people. I am not sure yet how I will be able to utilize the skills that I gained but I know that there is some path opening up.

I have also gained a huge sense of what creative direction that my heart lays and where that is going to lead. I see it in my mind and I know what I want and I can already visualize how that is going to be happening.


Relationships: Of all the biggest surprises that I have had over the past 5 years I have to say the most eye opening has been the relationships that I have been a part of. I lost many people upon my diagnosis that I thought were true friends. I watched as many around me couldn't cope or deal with what my life entailed. I fell into a couple of very bad and hurtful relationships with friends that I learned so much from through the experiences. But something happened after a time with some very deep and intense therapy. I started to heal and become more whole than ever before. I started making better friendships. Ones that finally were lifetime friends. Then the surprise of all surprises: I met Jacob. Jacob has shown me that dreams really do come true and that you can find love but only when the time comes and your soul is ready.



All in all the past 5 years have been a ride and an adventure. I know that being HIV+ has not killed me by any means. If anything they have actually gave me more of a desire to live than I have ever had before. I am more thankful for the people in my life and the adventures I have had. I am thankful for the dreams and the ability to be present in this time and space now.

Better Than A Hallelujah...

God loves a lullaby/In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry/The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

I have been listening to this song a lot lately. I know why. It is due mostly to my internal longing for my spirituality. It is a deep seeded need that I have had for a long time. I have wondered for years about my spiritual role and what it means for my current self. Sometimes it is a matter of merging the former self with the current self. That is a tough morphing to accomplish.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

I was born and baptized catholic. I even attended a private catholic school until I was in 3rd grade. My Mom who was in my life when I was around 5 then decided it was time for us to be baptized into her church. It was then I was baptized Lutheran. I question from a young age many, may ideologies and doctrines in an effort to understand the nature and power of an omnipotent all knowing entity.

The woman holding on for life/The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done/The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

I struggled so much with the idea of a god and a higher power as well. My father died when I was 1-1/2. It took many years to not be angry with GOD and to feel that he took him something away that was a part of me. For years I said that GOD and I were in therapy. I think sometimes it is still true.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

In my teenage years my Lutheran pastor in a middle of his own crisis gave a sermon where he stated "we are all dogs in GOD's eyes". I was disillusioned and left the church. In my teenage search I ended up being captivated by the hope and promises offered by the LDS (Mormon) church. That lasted a number of years until I saw the truth that was in my eyes a group of very misled people. The one thing I pulled from the church though was that our Holy Father was a father who loved his children very much and hated to see us in pain and hurt but gave his son for that need.

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

I started looking for peace and stumbled into the world of Buddhism and peace. Less a religion and more a daily practice of compassion, love, forgiveness and caring. I lost the idea of church and started to find a deeper meaning in my life within me and found that I had a higher power in me. I never stopped listening to good music with religious overtones. I never lost that feeling that there is a deeper spiritual meaning within me. I have never thought for one moment there wasn't a higher power.

I think sometimes the daily conversations and energy we share with our higher power are better than a hallelujah. I know now more than ever that religion and spirituality is extremely personal and between the person and what they deem a higher power. I am very thankful for that and for my Free will.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better Than A Hallelujah as recorded by Amy Grant.

...and it's ME !!!!

I have been trying to assimilate thoughts since my last post. I am still on why I have allowed myself to let fear control me. I started thinking about it all more today as I was getting a massage. I was trying to relax and meditate while I had the LMP talked about the rain in Portland and how much it annoyed him. I started to close my eyes and think about where I was in my life and how much I much I wanted to achieve in the next stage of my life.


I started to think about how before a few months ago I had not gotten a massage... the reason: fear. I was so afraid honestly of anyone touching me or my reactions of touching my skin that I didn't allow myself to let go and just get a massage.


I starting thinking about what I wanted in my life as I graduated HS almost 19 years ago and what I have accomplished of those goals. As I graduated I remember thinking how I would love to being an actor and be in local plays and to have the chance to be creative. I enjoyed acting in HS and even worked my way into being in a commercial for a local theme park called Silverwood. My mom was so excited and even recorded the commercial.


I wanted to do music from the time I was just a teenager and in HS i formed many tiny bands that never truly went anywhere but post HS i did form a band. Calling our band CEMENT was important as we though we were always in the midst of changing and yet cemented in the knowledge we would still be a band for a long time. Well after about 6 years that too ended when I went the way of independence and my guitarist the way of drugs and alcohol.


I have been writing since I was as long as I could remember. I wrote poems, stories, ideas. I was in Junior HS when I decided I had to write my first novel with the help of a teacher. I had all the outlines and the first two chapters and all the re writes one could handle at that age. It was a sci-fi fantasy story and it let to the start of many other ones. I always let so much of my sould go through writing.


As a young boy I bought my first camera with hopes to one day be a photographer. My grandpa always was a good photograpgher and I envied him for it. I always wanted to be able to take great pictures and learned early on that the lense can be a world unto itself.


The truth is that I have been a caretaker, workaholic, recovering co-dependent, self sacrificing dreamer for way too long. I have stopped hearing my own words and I have started to listen to the world outside me through blinders that should not be there at this stage of my life.


I have been afraid of rejection and afraid of the harshness of what could be a defeat. Truth be told I have someone in my life who will never let me down unless I let him and that person is ME. I have been so focused on what others may deem me to be if i pursue my dreams and yet I feel the second most important one would support me in any means he could and that is Jacob.


So there it is... the only holding me back is me and now time to viusualize is here and it will happen...


ME by paula cole


and it is me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it's me who's too weak

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better
yes i know there's something
yes i know, i know, yes i know