There are times I just hate being a grown up. I have been thinking a lot about dreams. I feel so blessed in my life and wouldn't trade it for the entire world.
I was watching the band SUGARLAND on a video today. I watched as lead singer Jennifer Nettles moved around the stage and gave her all vocally. All I could think is why can't that be me? I know I could do that and much more.
I was in three musical projects in my High School aside from being Theater and Choir. Straight out of high school I started a musical project that last the next 5 years that produced in all about 50+ songs. I was in a commercial and acted in theater productions and wrote so much that my hand hurt most days through my 20's.
I spent every moment memorizing stylish approaches, every little vocal hiccup, growl, movement of all my favorite vocalists. I took three years of voice lessons.
But then something happened. I became a grown up. I started to work, and take care of my priorities. I had debt (well still do just less). It is just odd when you see a dream that is fit to your form and you just do not know how to make it happen.
When I moved to Seattle almost a decade ago I started to put ads out to find a musical project. I have worked with multiple small projects but not enough to count as anything substantial mostly get my creative juices going and then moved on.
I have not been able to find anything more permanent though and I just wonder when someone just says enough is enough.
I know what sparked this is that the show "X FACTOR" is coming to Seattle and I thought "oh yeah I will go audition". Well it is on a Tuesday and getting the time off is a near impossibility plus if I did get further than Seattle what about my job. It is so hard to find one in this market and I can't do that to my partner and the life we have created.
Not being able to do more creatively has left me with this one puzzle piece in me missing and it cuts a bit. Makes me feel a bit fragmented. Especially when I see people doing what I love and I want to jump on the stage and perform with them. I just feel sometimes like my guitar and my keyboard is almost too heavy to lift with thoughts of "what's the point".
I am just not sure how to rectify this at all. I wish I knew the answer. I know that I have been writing more. I wonder if that is my direction I am meant to go in or if I am fooling myself.
This is my brain now. I know I will get it figured out. I assume this is what they mean partially by being a struggling artist.
I wonder.
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