Friday, June 1, 2012

Still Breathing....

I haven't written in a long time ... I have tried to sit down and figure it out but truthfully I have had a bout of feeling I did not have anything important to say... I lost my voice. I have been searching for what happened to it and why I am still struggling to find it. Truth is that I have been focusing on life and trying to find some inner peace. I have found myself being angry, depressed and a bit on the angst ridden side. I have thought a lot about what triggered this and I think I finally know. Back in the holidays I returned home (as I do yearly). This year though everything was changed. I was wanting to visit my grandparents house and it did not happen, instead I was "treated" to a full half hour visit from my Grandma. I missed my grandpa more than ever this past year as our family seems to be shrinking more and more yearly. I feel that since then something triggered in me.... I am so tired of negative messages: In the past six months I have seen myself build up courage to leave a job that one of my new co-workers and I laughingly call "The Land of The Dementers". But it truly was, I have found that being away from there I see that I was riddled with a lot of negative things thoughts and self image tearing down. NO ONE DESERVES THAT!!!! Then I had a rather uneventful bday and a couple weeks ago I heard that my parents dog Shep passed and I was just angry. I know that it is one more thing that will change when I get home. He lived a good life... honestly probably better than most pups or even children for that matter. Yesterday I read about my great uncle had passed and no one told me... I was angry again. The truth is that from a young age I was told that what I said was unimportant, that I would never amount to anything and that I would grow up to be useless. I started therapy years ago to deal with a lot of these thoughts and some were healed. Lord knows that I could not have found someone so amazing a partner as Jacob if it had not been for the work I did on myself. But the past few months, I think partly to the safe space I am in, I have seen that I am afraid of so much because I feel I can not ever succeed. The crazy part is that I do not hold anyone accountable and I feel I should. Instead I turned so much of it on myself. I find that I halfheartedly put myself into positions of never quite succeeding. So I set a couple goals. One was to accomplish one thing I flt good about that I decided was for me and no one else. I recently became a certified HIV tester, the work was hard and there were moments I did not think I could do it but I am and start my 1st shift on my own tomorrow. Jacob always jokes I could not give up Starbucks but I have now been 3 weeks without a Starbucks. Though I am sure that my work is probably seeing an increase in coffee consumption lol. On Mother's Day my mom told me some flattering things about how important I was to her and I made it into a joke... I thought later.... WHY? ... I sometimes fear Jacob will leave me and find some one with less baggage... The good part is that these moments get less and less as they are replaced by confidence. But it is taking time... I recently started new therapy and I am hoping that it provides me some ways to work through the inner voices... I know that I need to continue to write ... new chapters here I come ...