Sunday, July 8, 2012

Labeling Me...

"Does it ever get tiring?" Heidi asked out of the blue.

"What?" I asked very confused

"Always being the HIV+, Gay man in every group wherever you go, don't you sometimes just want to be Michael"

"You know now that I think about it ... Yeah it really is a bit tiring but I am ok with it."

That thought has sat in my mind for a while now. It really has been an interesting concept that I have found so very hard to break away from ... Labeling.

When it comes down to it I am a son, brother, partner, hiv+, gay, volunteer, coworker, best friend, thirty-something blue eyed, depressive, future writer, photographer, singer person. I wonder though how much people see of me that goes beyond the labels that I myself have continued to promote in a way.

I am always joking stating I am gay or poz, usually jokingly, but lately it has occurred to me that I am so much more that those types of labels. Jacob and I have spoken on many an occasion about the annoyance in the gay culture how we all label ourselves and of all things after animals (i.e. cubs, bears, wolves, otters, twinks, etc). It has popped up with friends when asked what am I? Just like when I am asked in our relationship am I the "wife or the husband", I always state that I am a man and I am an equal part of a partnership.

After Heidi asked me about the labels I realized I love the well rounded -ness of all the ways I could be labeled, it def shows some experience and the fact that I have lived a full life up to this point ... but I completely know that i am more than one such labels and I am truly the sum of all my parts... in an effort to take back who I am I have changed many of my pages like twitter as well as my blog to be Michael Lee Howard.

The one thing I have learned to accept is that I am Michael Lee Howard and all the labels that are associated with that are part of the whole. It has taken me until this age of my life to see it but I def own it now. I think that was the first step that I needed to move forward to the round in my life that I am embracing now.

So to answer Heidi's question, after much thought, I have to answer.... NO!!! I embrace all the Labels as long as no one forgets that when it comes down to it I am me... Michael Lee Howard.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

My Shadows

The moment I met Annie I knew her soul to be different, I could not tell you why or how. I think that it started when I heard her shockingly look across the room at my little pup , Dutchess and exclaim "What is that a miniature cow?" I doubled over laughing. Jacob would have more opportunity to spend with her than me but I thought often about how she was doing. Annie passed away last week and what a sad day that was, I think that there is an Angel that is making GOD laugh with big belly laughs...

I met Noah through LIVEJOURNAL back in the day. He was a well live bohemian with pretty blond hair. He lived in Australia. When I started speaking to him he had just returned from India learning about Buddhism. He had been studying the Dalia Lama's teaching and even was able to meet him. I would stay up late nights chatting with Noah about all the great things in his life, including a baby boy, marriage to his husband, and the struggle he had with his third bout of life draining Cancer. I lost touch over the year but when I finally did find out he passed away I was very sad. Noah had an amazing heart, He gave me a gift one year during a late night talk. The song "Swing Life Away" - by Rise Against ... Sometimes the song comes on and I remember Noah fondly.

My aunt Debbie was a great lady. My mom remarried when I was 17. My step-father's family were very cold to me when I first met them. I have to admit it was prob a bit to take on a ready made family. The one though that never made me feel second rate was Debbie. Debbie had a heart that was beautiful. She constantly wanted to know how I was and how life was going after I came out and beyond. The remaining family would ask and then would turn away as I answered. Debbie started slipping from Cancer many years ago. The one thing I remember was when I was at a family Christmas and Debbie, a shell of the lady I knew, skinny, missing part of her tongue due to the Cancer took time to make everything perfect and we all ignored the pain we knew. Within a couple of years Debbie had passed. Having lost her battle with Cancer but I still swear I see her smiling asking me how I am doing.

I hate that some of GOD's creations were on this life for such a short time. I think about it a lot when I see how happy I am in my life and the blessings that I have. I think about how I never knew Jacob's Dad Alan. I hope he knows how happy Jacob and I are and how sad I am to have never met him.

I think that some people touch our lives in a big way despite being but a shadow of our lives, I have been blessed with many "shadows" in my life. The ones that were not here long enough yet somehow made the largest impact. I actually have a hard time connecting with people these as I get older but the Annie's, Noah's, and Debbie's show me that sometimes there is a purpose that some souls serve and they sadly have achieved their goals and floated away.

Tonight I will be sending a prayer to all my SHADOWS and thanking them for all for teaching me lifetime skills and gifts that I plan to take through to the my next stage of my life.