U is for Underneath

Who are we underneath? I think often about the thoughts we have when we are alone. The moments that we slow down long enough to catch our breaths. I was recently having a conversation about the parts of ourselves we hide from the world. How many of us have thoughts in our head that contradict what we know to be true of ourselves? Do we ever truly know what is underneath a persons head? The traumas, insecurities, struggles, and true self worth?



I have found myself lately suffering from a case of imposter syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent INTERNALIZED fear of being exposed as a "fraud".Despite external evidence of their competence. The key word of course being internalized. I have a history of doubting not being the best to my internal self. Doubting oneself is one thing, in my world I wonder if I deserve the praise I have gotten.

I work very hard and when I am ahead of the game with my workload, a part of me thinks that I have somehow faked my way to being seen successful despite the numbers that prove otherwise. I am about to graduate in a few weeks with my associate degree but a part of men feels like I faked my way through the classes: despite the fact that I am retaining and learning more things that I ever imagined. I am in a healthy relationship but I feel like I am doing enough to give to the marriage despite all the proof to the contrary.

The extreme downside of imposter syndrome is the looming anxiety, depression and stress; all unneeded because of a feat that I will be "found out "to be a fraud. The idea that I will wake up one day and be seen for the person I perceive myself to be underneath. If I feel this way underneath and no-one else sees it ,what do others experience underneath that they never share? How do we rectify these feelings of self doubt?

I know, for myself, that years of therapy help lessen the feelings I have about my self doubt. I have had to really strive and stretch what I find comfortable mentally. It helps to know others suffer from this same condition. For myself, it has been crippling and stopped me from being close to people, going forward with creative endeavors that I enjoy (i.e. this blog that should have been done over a year and. half ago). It is similar to the when you do not call someone for a couple days, it then becomes weeks, which turn into months and then you feel extreme guilt for not staying in contact. Your internal mind creates a dialogue that is inaccurate.

Who are we underneath? What can we do to change our mindset behind the years of programming? Can we unprogram ourselves to see the praise we deserve for the things that we have accomplished? Are we able to be proud of ourselves? Can we move on and succeed where we never knew possible?

Yes we can, it takes patience, time, being good to yourself, and wanting to be better our mental health. It takes breaking out of our mold and knowing it is is ok to be scared. It is also ok to not be ok. Who we are underneath is flexible. We have the ability to change our narrative. We are truly the commander of our ship. We only have to believe that it is true. Whether it be at 20, 40, or even 90.

T is for Trauma

"I do not get why people say they have had TRAUMA. I grew up in India during desert storm. I know real TRAUMA" my coworker, of less than two weeks, states when I make mention of working in healthcare with people who have had TRAUMA.

What is TRAUMA? The dictionary defines TRAUMA as "an experience that produces psychological injury or pain." In fact, recent studies have shown that the impact of childhood TRAUMA can change the entire way that our brain works. This is particularly upsetting in the fact that as children we lack the ability to break away from attachment, emotional, and physical abuses that can be sustained early on. By definition TRAUMA can be a life changing illness, a long term relationship that was toxic, childhood abuse, or any other life altering psychological event (s) that cause pain. 

In my case, my early childhood was like a see-saw of good and bad. I have heard stories of how as an infant I was always smiling, loved animals and was by all outside a happy kiddo. I truly have no truth to what those days were like. 17 months after my birth the man I was told was my father passed. My biological mother fell into a world of bad mental health, drinking, and drugs. It was around this age it would seem that I was started to be in the hands of abandonment and neglect. I remember back to being four years old and fending for myself. 

Life changed when my first stepfather enter my life. It was here that the TRAUMA began. I used to hate the word TRAUMA or PTSD. It felt like I had not lived enough life to be able to own these concepts. It was during a particularly challenging therapy sessions years ago. My therapist at the time said, you know what you describing is TRAUMA. My usually M.O. was to laugh about serious things and boy I laughed at the moment but then the words haunted me. 

About a year ago I was tired of going to therapy. For me, talk therapy had been great over the years. But after so long doing it I was almost able to dictated what the therapist would say before I spoke. I knew I needed a change and started looking at new forms of therapy. We are lucky to live in a time where we have so many forms of therapy. 

I decided on EMDR therapy. EMDR therapy, in a nutshell, takes the parts of our of your brain that hold TRAUMA and the parts that hold processing and bring them together to rewrite the TRAUMA experience. I was initially skeptical but after months of therapy with form of therapy I have found that I am actually healing slowly from the TRAUMAS I have lived with for years. These TRAUMAS have held me back for years and made it impossible to live a full life. 

I am a firm believer in generational TRAUMA as well. In the past year I have joined 23andme and that has taken me on the most amazing of journeys (more on that later). I recently found my bio maternal uncle. He has been looking for his sister (my bio mom) most his life. In his sharing I have learned a whole family history of physical, emotional, neglect and dark TRAUMAS. I do believe that these are n the core of our genetic make up. On the plus side,We are amazing creatures and have the ability to deal with these TRAUMAs and thereby change our entire family line for the better. 

So, as much as I can empathize with what my coworker has been through and experienced in her country, do other people suffer from TRAUMA? Is anyones TRAUMA bigger or easier than another's? I think in the heart of who we are as humans, we all have TRAUMA. No one person's baggage is more or less than another's, it is just different. At the core, are we willing to take steps for a more fulfilling life and deal with the TRAUMA? That is a personal choice. 

Many years ago I wrote a song called "Spring" the chorus went: 

They say time heals all wounds

Here are mine

Take them for yourself 

And when the spring breaks through 

You'll me standing here 

all by myself

My TRAUMA therapy has helped me be more connected to the world at large, it has helped me have less nightmares, less fear, and made me able to live my best life. The cost is heavy and painful. but worth it. I was never a crier now I am tapped into that part of me that was blank. I am now a cleaner slate ready to take on what comes next. 

S is for Songs

17 years ago I started a new tradition of picking a "SONG OF THE YEAR" for my birthday. The song is a vision of where I have been and a glimpse into where I am heading ... the past years have been:

Precious Illusions - Alanis Morissette (2002)

Good Enough - Darren Hayes (2003)

Kinda Hard - Eric Himan (2004)

Farewell to the Old Me - Dar Williams (2005)

Whole- Casey Stratton (2006)

Phoenix Rising - Dan Paul (2007)

Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood (2008)

32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco (2009)

Coming around - Christopher Dallman (2010)

Let the Rain - Sara Bareilles (2011)

Stronger - Kelly Clarkson (2012)

I'm Not Your Hero - Tegan & Sara (2013)

Fall Asleep – Jars of Clay (2014)

Elastic Heart – Sia (2015)

Rebel Heart - Madonna (2016)

Home - Depeche Mode (2017)

Jann Arden - Saved (2018)

This year I heard one song that stood out and inspired me to make some changes and to work on my creative endeavors, This year I chose One Less Day (Dying Young) from Rob Thomas. I am ready to create again and build new things. I am one less day fro dying young. True words :

'm not afraid of getting older

I'm one less day from dying young

I see the light go past my shoulder I'm one less day from dying young

I see my life like a train with a one-way track

I've made mistakes, and I couldn't take 'em back

And I've been runnin' 'round in circles 'til I'm dizzy, I can't lie

But every night I go to sleep's a day that I survive

I'm not afraid of getting older

I'm one less day from dying young

I see the light go past my shoulder

I'm one less day from dying young

And I've seen my friends fall away before their time

And I've been afraid that I may follow in their light

So I drink and love and whisper all the things I know are right

Someday, I will leave this world, but maybe not tonight

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid) of getting older

I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young

I see the light (I see the light) go past my shoulder

I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young

I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young (yeah!)

All my life I have been wandering

Burning up my candle like my time just won't end

And I'll keep burning 'til there's nothing left

Praying that tomorrow I can do it all again

And if I get tomorrow, I will do it all again

I'm not afraid of getting older

I'm one less day from dying young

And I see the light go past my shoulder

I'm one less day from dying young

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid) of getting older

I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young (from dying young)

I see the light (I see the light) go past my shoulder

I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young (from dying young!)

I'm one less day (I'm one less day) from dying young (from dying young!)

Hey!

I have also set up a playlist on Spotify....

R is for Round 15 (Bonus R)

15 years ago I started a new tradition of picking a "SONG OF THE YEAR" for my birthday. The song is a vision of where I have been and a glimpse into where I am heading ... the past years have been:

Precious Illusions - Alanis Morissette (2002)

Good Enough - Darren Hayes (2003)

Kinda Hard - Eric Himan (2004)

Farewell to the Old Me - Dar Williams (2005)

Whole- Casey Stratton (2006)

Phoenix Rising - Dan Paul (2007)

Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood (2008)

32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco (2009)

Coming around - Christopher Dallman (2010)

Let the Rain - Sara Bareilles (2011)

Stronger - Kelly Clarkson (2012)

I'm Not Your Hero - Tegan & Sara (2013)

Fall Asleep – Jars of Clay (2014)

Elastic Heart – Sia (2015)

Rebel Heart - Madonna (2016)

This year I have started thinking about where I am and where I belong. I realize between work and personal life I have finally found a "Home". In a circular pattern that life is I am seeing Depeche Mode later this year. A friend said this song reminds them of me. So here is my 2017 song:

Depeche Mode - Home

Here is a song from the wrong side of town/ Where I'm bound to the ground by the loneliest sound

And it pounds from within and is pinning me down

Here is a page from the emptiest stage/ A cage or the heaviest cross ever made/ A gauge of the deadliest trap ever laid

And I thank you for bringing me here/ For showing me home/ For singing these tears/ Finally I've found that I belong here

The heat and the sickliest sweet smelling sheets/ That cling to the backs of my knees and my feet/ Well I'm drowning in time to a desperate beat

And I thank you for bringing me here/ For showing me home/ For singing these tears/ Finally I've found that I belong

Feels like home/ I should have known/ From my first breath

God send the only true friend I call mine/ Pretend that I'll make amends the next time/ Befriend the glorious end of the line

And I thank you for bringing me here/ For showing me home/ For singing these tears/ Finally I've found that I belong here

I have also set up a playlist on Spotify....

Q is for Quiet

I get anxiety easily.

There is some part of me that, as I have aged, I continue to get anxiety at the most in opportune moments. It will strike when I wake up. when giving a presentation, even when going to a gathering.

The truth is I work through what is commonly known as imposter syndrome. For those not familiar imposter syndrome is "is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud." My anxiety has led me down a path of feeling less than and I tend to over compensate by being highly obnoxious and overly loud. It is my way of being outgoing but i struggle with balance.

I often put on my "game face" and seem super happy. Years of retail taught me how to put on this face. I am able to turn the volume on to 11. For those few out there that have never worked in retail there is a lot of smiling and "may I help you", "oh not a problem", "we can definitely help with that". I would suggest a lot of the art of being excellent with customer service has been lost since I worked retail.

Part of the willingness to assist people is truly how I am and how I feel. Though, I am normal volume 7-8 in those daily moments where in public I am that 11. I think I learned early on that if I was going to make myself feel important or feel acknowledged I had to be loud. I grew up in a family that I was not born into. A part of me needed to be loud to feel like I was being heard.

I remember my grandparents getting their first camcorder. I was in elementary school and it was a huge bulky thing that was connected to the TV by a cord. I would ham it up for the camera often. I even was given a tape from my Grandma years ago and I was showing off for the camera all the time. My brother was the opposite and would do all he could to hide under tables or around doorways. I was in third grade picked randomly to be in the school Christmas production as the MC. I hosted with a girl Michelle and she I hated each other. I think a lot of it was were competing for the spotlight.

Later in life with my first partner we had broken up, gotten back together and in the midst of a final break up he turned to me and said
"you know why you and I never work, right?"
I shook my head not honestly knowing.
"we both want the spotlight and that cannot work with two people wanting to be the stars"

I was in bands and sang in a karaoke bar a few times a week and even was dubbed the nickname :the songbird". The something changed. My anxiety got worse and I felt like I was faking my way through it all. Hell sometimes even blogging gives me that feeling. As if anything I have to say is unimportant and no one cares what I am writing, especially in a day where everyone has a blog (though I have been blogging back before it was cool).

Now I find that I spend time recovering from being "on". It is as if the energy I expend is so intense I need to have quiet. Lately, this quiet has made me reflect on where I want to be. I am not sure anymore where I feel my calling as it relates to my future. I miss being on stage whether it be singing or acting. I miss being the star sometimes. I just know the down side - the quiet- is sometimes very hard to find.

P is for Politics

I am not one to talk openly about politics. The reason has always been that it is a heated topic and I do not want to be the one that says the wrong thing in the room and get the stare down. I wasn't super educated on the topic of politics honestly.

A lot of that changed in 2008. I was worried about the state of the world and where we were going. We walked out of a era of challenging times in the economic, political, and human based landscape. Then a man came out of the woodwork and entered the arena.

Barack Obama walked into the Oval Office with a sense of grace that I had not seen in my years of being alive. He had been raised with little money. He had a family that were accessible and down to earth. They were real people who understood what it was like to come from meager beginnings and build themselves a new life and world. I felt that when he made decisions that he really had the people best interests at heart.

I knew that a president doesn't get more than two terms but part of me could see having Obama stay our president for longer. Unfortunately, 2016 came and wooshed that all away. I am so challenged with our political landscape at this time.

The day of the elections, I watched as the number on the map slowly turned more and more red. Each red state crushed me a bit more inside. Then the announcement that Trump won made me numb. I could not believe what I was seeing and living. It was like watching a movie that I didn't subscribe.

I work in a non-profit organization. The weight of the election took a serious toll on our entire staff. I tried to stay quiet and be the support for everyone around me. I have always considered myself open minded and I can hear all sides of stories. I do not believe that every decision that Obama's administration made was the right move but at least during the previous 8 years I felt as I mattered and that I was being supported as a person.

In the previous administration I was able to get married to the man that I love, I was able to not be discriminated at any job I work at based in my sexual orientation or disabilities. I was able to know that if something ever happened to our insurance I would have a back up plan. I was able to see my Trans friends and coworkers have more rights and be able to seek care. I was able to live and not in fear.

I am now scared. We elected a man that has a reputation for being a bully, a chauvinist, and poor business man. He has stolen from the poor and gotten rich. I feel we have just taught young people that it is ok to be a bully and get ahead. I fear for people around me and their rights. I am already seeing the new administration running wild and people are already on the path to losing healthcare.

I feel like we elected someone that is so naive and that will give the people that run things more power to change things that will hurt the public.

All I can do is open my heart and be able to accept love and to work to keep and open mind and learn to speak out every chance I can when I see hate or injustices. I know the next 4 years will be so hard but I will keep my head up high and continue to learn what I can do in order to be the change I want to happen.

O is for Original

2016 has been replaced by 2017. There is a glimmer of new ideas and thought. Yet I am having a hard time letting go. I have been trying to wrap myself around why 2016 was so hard. Here is a few reasons:















George Michael:
When I was 13, I was perusing the local library and saw the cover of Rolling Stone. It was George Michael. I know the first few singles from Faith and was wanting to know more. I love this quote from him:"I really think that anyone who doesn't like anything on my new album has no right to say they like pop music," he says matter-of-factly. "If you can listen to this album and not like anything on it, then you do not like pop music."I took that as a challenge and saved up to buy Faith. I fell in love and realized I was a POP fan. Over the years he recorded a mass of Pop, Jazz, and Dance tunes. He was an original who never gave up on creating a sound uniquely him. Many tried to imitate his "blue eyed, white soul sound" and most failed. I worked hard in those years to imitate his style and vocal tricks. One of my favorite songs ever is Waiting (reprise) from his "listen without prejudice album". I spend hours singing this song and learning to hit each note. I will miss having him in this world. Thank you for the gift you brought to the world, 

Carrie Fisher/Debbie Reynolds:
There have been countless posts about both of these. Debbie Reynolds was an original in Hollywood. An "It Girl" who weathered heartbreak, loss, and life lessons. Yet, maintained a sense of style and grace up until the end. Carrie Fisher was a my first "locker crush" (the celeb you put up in your school locker). I remember watching all the Star Wars movies on repeat. As much as I liked Luke Skywalker, I always had a place in my heart for Princess Leia. She was powerful and from the moment she was on the screen she never took flack from anyone. Through the years Carrie started to speak about her drug abuse, mental health challenges, and unique life with a candor that I admired. She never shied away from being a bit goofy in interviews and yet made each topic seem so relevant. Everyone should check out her Wishful Drinking HBO Special.
Thank you for all you brought to the world.

Alexis Arquette:
Most people recognized Alexis from their role in "The Wedding Singer". But more than that Alexis was one of the first openly Trans people in Hollywood. This is quite a statement considering they came from a very known family. The Arquette's though never publicly denied their sibling and was always supportive from all the media that I saw. Alexis hosted shows and played roles in film. They were a pioneer in the world of movies and LGBTQ+.

Prince:
Prince began his recording career at the age 17 but previous to that he was born with epilepsy and told his mom at 5 that angels told him he wouldn't have it anymore. He also could play at least 27 instruments ( some accounts say over 40) and basically played all the music on his first 5 albums by himself. In the 37 years that Prince recorded music he released a total of 39 studio albums, 5 Soundtracks, 5 Compilations, and 12 EPs. This doesn't include the 1000's of songs that are locked in his vault. He was a pioneer and showed the world a sound that was unlike anything we had known. It is hard to imagine a world where Prince isn't releasing an internet album or that he won't pop in a town and surprise everyone with a secret concert.

David Bowie:
Lastly I could not get through the recap of originals without pointing out David Bowie. In a career that spanned decades and many incarnations David Bowie recorded over 25 albums, 9 live albums and 6 EP's. In an era of unknown territory, musically, the man from Mars drifted into the music consciousness and created multiple personalities that spanned space and time. Before Madonna (Dita), Tori Amos (The American Doll Posse), Beyonce (Sasha Fierce), Prince (Camille), Garth Brooks (Chris Gaines), David Bowie birthed Ziggy Stardust and then killed him off. Then he created the Great White Duke, Aladdin Sane and Major Tom. An original genius. As a final chapter he detailed the end of David Bowie himself. The video for Lazarus is beautiful, devastating, and disturbing all at the same time.

There were more originals we lost in 2016. I would like to think as they passed that we all were able t to take some of that originality and genius and become part of that. I am sure that it was time to have a huge celestial party last year and that it will be an event for the ages.

I hope less losses happen in 2017 but for now I will still keep these originals close to my heart and learn from their example.

N is for Namesake

My name is Michael Lee Howard-Mayhew.

Legally it is Michael Lee Howard. I was named after my uncle. He passed away a couple of years before I was born. From what I have been told he and my father were very close.

My father was one of four boys (like me). Two of them, my uncles Patrick (more on that in a bit) and Gary, were apparently in out of trouble with the law throughout their lives. My father and Michael were the two "good kids". My paternal grandfather passed down this information when I met him at 19.

Finding my grandfather James Levi was all an accident. The first think I learned was my family is riddled with off colored-ness.  I was searching for any clue to my past. A picture of my father or mother, a sense of where I came from and what led me to be who I was at the time. I found information to the funeral home saw to my fathers affairs. I called and they remembered:
           
           "Oh I remember that one. It was a rough time. The wife was a mess. They had a baby. Just a                  little one. I also remember the father having to be escorted by Walla Walla State Penitentiary                   guards. It was a pretty odd funeral."
 
            "excuse me did you say escorted by guards?"

            "Yes the father was serving time"

That ladies and gentlemen is how I found my paternal family. After doing some tracking down I found out that my grandfather was released from prison a couple years before my search started and was living just a few miles from me. In a matter of a hours I showed up at his door and learned a whole history of my paternal family roots.

Fast forward an unmentioned amount of years and through a series of events I was telephonically re connected to my birth mom. It was a short period of time but happened nonetheless. I was not ready to talk with her so communication came through my newly found sister.

One day she texted me to say "mom wanted me to tell you that you are named after your uncle"
of course my reply was " I know Michael was my uncles name"
"she said it was your middle name Patrick"

That was when I learned that my given name was supposed to be Michael Lee Patrick Howard. Even writing that looks odd. Who has two middle names. Well apparently it never made it on paper but this guy does.

Maybe the Patrick will be used for a pseudonym or something of that sort.

On top of this my first 15 or so years in the world I started school under my stepdads last name of Wilson. So for years I thought my name was Michael Lee Wilson. After some issues with my Social security number I found out my name was never changed and no one ever told me.

The last name I have has been through social media after my marriage to my husband Jacob. I never made it legal because I am lazy and so to this day my legal name is Michael Lee Howard.

But you can call me Michael Lee Patrick Wilson Howard-Mayhew....

Nah just call me Michael. It is way easier.

M is for Music

Anyone who knows me know that I love music.

It is no surprise at all. I remember the first song as a child that left an impression with me. It was at a pizza place called " Pete's Pizza" (btw, it is still there) and the song "Dog and Butterfly" by Heart came over the jukebox. I am not sure what drew me to the song. Not sure if it was the imagery, the lyrics, the vocals, or the amazing musicianship. Something drew me in and I never let go of that spark.

I grew up with music playing at all times around our home. Usually left on as background noise the radio hummed with tunes from the oldies station. It wasn't until, like many people around my age, i received my first cassette tape - Michael Jackson's Thriller- that I start discovering my own music.

I remember trying to memorize each and every note, hiccup, musical instrument. Shortly after that I started to build my collection. It included a who's who of pop charts: Madonna, Heart, Starship and anyone else that was featured on Friday Night Videos. It was my first exposure to the medium of music videos and watching the tunes in my head come alive was amazing.

I continued loving the pop starts of the day until a girl at my high school named Brie came in and said "you need to listen to something good. Have you heard of A Flock of Seagulls". I shook my head no and she insisted "I Ran" was a classic. I tried to picture how a song about Iran could be any good. She handed me a cassette of A Flock of Seagulls Greatest Hits. The minute that synth started I was lost in a whole new world. I turned to my friends Anna, Cresta and Jen for suggestions... My world broke open with sounds of Depeche Mode, Information Society, Pet Shop Boys , The Cure (Still my fave all time band), et al.

These new bands sunk into my head and grabbed them as if to tell me I was not alone with feeling lost and depressed. I felt like I needed to share my angst and so I started one of many incarnations of high school bands. I had spent years writing my lyrics down and I was approached by a school mate named Brian to work on some songs. We wrote a handful of songs the ones that stick out are "The Damaged One" and another one about the environment. We even played the songs for a class in high school. (Trust me that was daring for me. People were not a fan of me in those years). Brian was a gifted guitarist that was in the style of Steve Vai. Me- a burgeoning singer songwriter in the style of Toad The Wet Sprocket. Needless to say we moved on.

I continued to write and try to find a project. A year after high school I answered an ad in the local paper and I found Rich and Rich. We quickly hit it off and formed what started out as HIS Band, progressed into Cement and then became Glass Eyed Glenda. We wrote a few dozen songs and even made a demo. We also had a list full of covers from the early 90's grunge movement. Bassist Rich left focus on work; guitarist Rich chose to drink and focus on not having an "effeminate singer". I resolved to look for newer projects.

I ended up finding  people I have collaborated with over the years. One was an ex of mine but my favorite collabs were with my friend Peter. We did some great covers of 80's alt classics. The one song though that seemed to stick was "Collide". I submitted Collide to a show that was supposed to have been a real world/american idol type show and even interviewed with a producer but the concept fell through (or so I was told).

Following a strange bout of life, I did work near a karaoke bar that my roommate/friend worked at as a host. I would stop by a couple of times a week and order up a pitcher of PBR (classy huh?). I would sing two or three songs a night. I even earned the nickname of "Songbird".

Since then I have attempted to find a band or group of people to play music with. The search has dried up but I still sing when I can and I still love music. I cannot imagine a day when I cannot listen to music. I am enjoying discovering new tunes and in an odd sense hearing the influences that I grew up listening to as well.

Living in the age that we do, digital music has made music more accessible then ever. It makes listening to music so easy but I sometimes still miss the days of opening up an album and reading all the liner notes, memorizing facts about producers and engineers and such.

Sometimes I still go back in time and listen to "Dog and Butterfly". That always makes life a bit better.

L is for Life Lessons

Getting older is hard.

It takes a certain finesse to navigate all the changes. Seasons change us all inside and out.

I am losing my hair. I miss my red wavy hair. I miss being skinny. I miss feeling youthful. I miss feeling overly hopeful about the dreams in my brain. I miss amazing music and better movies. I miss the chance to tell people I love that I love them.

 As I am writing this I am listening to the band October Project and feeling a bit reminiscent. One of my new favorite obsessions is re listening to music from when I was younger. Now that technology of Spotify exists I am able to listen to artists albums all over from the first album to current. Currently I am enjoying revisiting The Pet Shop Boys. I have listened to the catalogs of The Cure, Depeche Mode, Tori Amos, and other artists. I am three albums into the Pet Shop Boys and remember why I loved them so much.

 My cousin sent me via Facebook last week. I was 19 years old. I was about to marry a gal I had met through a music store in my hometown of Spokane, WA. I still remember when the picture was taken. I actually obsessed looking at the picture wondering what happened to that guy. I tried to emulate the smile and was not able to make it look the same as hard as I tried.

I started thinking though:
What life lessons have I learned from that time. I think about what I would tell that 19 year old kid. I would tell him a lot, here are a few things:

Hey Michael,
You will find yourself. You will morph and change and be reborn so many times you will be exhausted. You will lose your faith and gain it back more than you thought imaginable. You will find your birth family and your roots. You will find that you were placed in the best home you could imagine. You will not lose your wonderment of the world. No matter what anyone tells you, jaded views won't be part of your fate. People will find you funny. You will meet some of the most amazing people and some of them you will lose. You will learn that therapy works. You will find that you are very resilient and it will serve you well. You will struggle to find love and will find someone who makes you feel safe and makes you feel at home. You will lose your hair and gain many wrinkles. You will struggle to find work that you love but it will happen. You won't stop singing. most importantly you will be ok. You will find a peace in life and enjoy moments big and small. You will learn some lessons but you will also maintain a strength you did not know you even had. You will love and be loved,

I may not have life perfected but I think that is a good thing. Sometimes a little self reflection can make us better. I am excited to see what life lessons are ahead for me.