2011 Song Year Pick

Nine years ago I started a new tradition of picking a "SONG OF THE YEAR" for my birthday. The song is a vision of where i have been and a glimpse into where i am heading ... the past years have been :

*Precious Illusions - Alanis Morissette (2002)
*Good Enough - Darren Hayes (2003)
*Kinda Hard - Eric Himan (2004)
*Farewell to The Old Me - Dar Williams (2005)
*Whole- Casey Stratton (2006)
*Phoenix Rising - Dan Paul (2007)
*Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood(2008)
*32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco (2009)
*Coming Around - Christopher Dallman (2010)


As I look over the list I see songs that have truly moved me and touched my life and I can listen and smile knowning where I was. This year I am choosing another song that has really hit me hard and I am so excited by. This song is a true example of where I am at creatively, emotionally and collectively in my life right now.

I am toasting to another amazing year!!!

*Let The Rain - Sara Barielles (2011)

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

Let the rain..

Wow 6 weeks without a blog is the longest I have ever gone without a blogging in some time. How remiss of me.

I have just been swimming... That is right swimming in a sea of my thoughts and many things that are in my head. It has been a year almost to the day that I moved to Portland. It is crazy to think that much time has passed.

I have reflected a lot recently on what it is in my life I am aiming for in my development not only as a person but as a friend, advocate, artists, and all around soul. I have been thinking I am depressed but I truly do not believe that is what I am going through. I think a better world is transforming.

I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on friends as of late. The truth is that my list of true friends is growing smaller all the time. I predict that happens as we all get older. I have learned that as I get older my filter of what is and is not a good friendship has changed and skewed. I am worn from feeling of my life being less important than ones I interact with on a regular basis.

I have also learned I am holding something back ... a damn that is holding back a flood of emotion that is welling and when it spills I am so afraid what it will lead to and how it will all spill out. I think that is truly the reason I haven't been writing.

I find now that I am letting go of the people who sucked the energy dry from me the emotions are slowly bubbling to the surface. Throughout the resurfacing I have been having creative visions that are more pure and clear than I have ever imagined. I know that if i hermit myself away from the negative energy that is drawn to me and resolve to find peace within myself I will burst.

I am devoting more time in the next few months to something Jacob and I are both committed to: Our Mind, Body, and Soul. I feel we are a good pair and it is so amazing that we are both on the same page and have the same goals. I just know that at this stage in my life I feel destined for something so much more than I am now.

I know this... I feel this...

2010 - Blessed

Year 2010 is ending and oh what a year it has been. I look back and it seems that 2010 would be, in my mind, the year I came into my own sense of self awareness and much appreciation.

Of course the most amazing new change has been that I am no longer a lifetime Washingtonian. Nope. Now I am an Oregonian. That is correct; I fled the state of Washington to live with my love.

I started out looking in my new surroundings to find a purpose, a friend, new energy, maybe even all the above. But what I really have been finding, surprisingly, is myself. I have been in a place for so many years of working and watching and not worked to be invested in my own moments.

I have learned that I am worth trusting my own judgment and inner voice. That I am a better judge than I have ever given myself credit for having.

I have watched the past year as I develop myself and in the process develop a love and relationship that is stronger than I have ever dreamt I could ever have. I wake up and everyday think "is this really my life". I am so blessed (I stopped using the word lucky) to be in love not only with an amazing man but a man that teaches me so much every day. A man, who is my best friend. A man,which consistently accepts me for being neurotic, goofy, and with all my faults. A man that I find more and more I laugh and truly just enjoy being with on a daily basis.

I have learned that I had a skewed definition of friendship and what true friendship means and what I will stand and not stand for within the walls of friendship and family. I will not be kicked in the ground and I will not be taken advantage of anymore. I have learned to set limits and have enough respect for myself and my heart that I will not let some things just be left without being said.

I have learned to accept that I do have so many amazing people in my life that are near and far. I am so so thankful for the ones who teach me that they are true and will not be fair season friends. In particular this year I have had three people who really stand out as being stand outs :) Brandon who has shown me that it is possible to make great friends in life that last. Lacey who I have seen blossom and grow and become her own woman. Joce who has made my transition to Portland so much fun. I have other friends who have been here throughout the year but these three have truly been so touching in their love and caring.

I am a very very blessed person and I am looking forward to 2011. It is a year that I know will be full of more growth and creative endeavors unlike any that I knew I had in me. I just feel it and know it deep down. As for my heart it is so full and brimming to the top with appreciation, love and clarity unlike I have ever had yet in my life.

5th Poziversary

5 years ago today my life changed... I entered a new world that I never thought I would have to deal with much less live in. I was diagnosed with HIV. I look back to that time and sometimes feel like life began all over that day. It was as if I had I was taken apart and put back together.


In the past 5 years I have written many ideas on re creating myself and starting life anew. I wrote a few years ago about my "car" aka my life. A car has to have 4 tires to run properly and without a hitch. In the past 5 years I watched my "car" get many flats only to watch it be ready to drive and then to get more flats but I think I am on a path with the right mechanics.


I think of my soul as a car, the 4 tires are represented by:


Spirit: My spirit is healing every day. 5 years ago my spirit seemed empty and crushed. It felt like a smashed mosaic that would never find the right shape again. The truth is that I was very correct. It didn't find the shape that I wanted it to. Instead it took on a whole new shape. I started reading on Buddhism, The Secret, Power of Intention, and Law of Attraction. Then I started to dig deep within my soul and see what there was hidden beneath the surface and was surprised to find a deep seeded sense of purpose. It was within me all along.


Health: Health has been a funny one over the past several years. I have had more health related issue than ever before in my life. This could be due to getting older, HIV, or just the general things that happen in life. The one true thing I have learned is that we only have one body and that we have to take care of it or it falls apart. I am on my way to healthier all the time. Despite the exhaustion I am the healthiest I have ever been. I am even looking to do a run in March.


Career: I struggled for years trying to figure out my perfect career. After my diagnosis I stumbled into something that I did not expect. I started to volunteer and I fell in love with helping others. In particular I gained a passion for helping newly diagnosed HIV people. I am not sure yet how I will be able to utilize the skills that I gained but I know that there is some path opening up.

I have also gained a huge sense of what creative direction that my heart lays and where that is going to lead. I see it in my mind and I know what I want and I can already visualize how that is going to be happening.


Relationships: Of all the biggest surprises that I have had over the past 5 years I have to say the most eye opening has been the relationships that I have been a part of. I lost many people upon my diagnosis that I thought were true friends. I watched as many around me couldn't cope or deal with what my life entailed. I fell into a couple of very bad and hurtful relationships with friends that I learned so much from through the experiences. But something happened after a time with some very deep and intense therapy. I started to heal and become more whole than ever before. I started making better friendships. Ones that finally were lifetime friends. Then the surprise of all surprises: I met Jacob. Jacob has shown me that dreams really do come true and that you can find love but only when the time comes and your soul is ready.



All in all the past 5 years have been a ride and an adventure. I know that being HIV+ has not killed me by any means. If anything they have actually gave me more of a desire to live than I have ever had before. I am more thankful for the people in my life and the adventures I have had. I am thankful for the dreams and the ability to be present in this time and space now.

Better Than A Hallelujah...

God loves a lullaby/In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry/The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

I have been listening to this song a lot lately. I know why. It is due mostly to my internal longing for my spirituality. It is a deep seeded need that I have had for a long time. I have wondered for years about my spiritual role and what it means for my current self. Sometimes it is a matter of merging the former self with the current self. That is a tough morphing to accomplish.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

I was born and baptized catholic. I even attended a private catholic school until I was in 3rd grade. My Mom who was in my life when I was around 5 then decided it was time for us to be baptized into her church. It was then I was baptized Lutheran. I question from a young age many, may ideologies and doctrines in an effort to understand the nature and power of an omnipotent all knowing entity.

The woman holding on for life/The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done/The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

I struggled so much with the idea of a god and a higher power as well. My father died when I was 1-1/2. It took many years to not be angry with GOD and to feel that he took him something away that was a part of me. For years I said that GOD and I were in therapy. I think sometimes it is still true.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

In my teenage years my Lutheran pastor in a middle of his own crisis gave a sermon where he stated "we are all dogs in GOD's eyes". I was disillusioned and left the church. In my teenage search I ended up being captivated by the hope and promises offered by the LDS (Mormon) church. That lasted a number of years until I saw the truth that was in my eyes a group of very misled people. The one thing I pulled from the church though was that our Holy Father was a father who loved his children very much and hated to see us in pain and hurt but gave his son for that need.

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

I started looking for peace and stumbled into the world of Buddhism and peace. Less a religion and more a daily practice of compassion, love, forgiveness and caring. I lost the idea of church and started to find a deeper meaning in my life within me and found that I had a higher power in me. I never stopped listening to good music with religious overtones. I never lost that feeling that there is a deeper spiritual meaning within me. I have never thought for one moment there wasn't a higher power.

I think sometimes the daily conversations and energy we share with our higher power are better than a hallelujah. I know now more than ever that religion and spirituality is extremely personal and between the person and what they deem a higher power. I am very thankful for that and for my Free will.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better Than A Hallelujah as recorded by Amy Grant.

...and it's ME !!!!

I have been trying to assimilate thoughts since my last post. I am still on why I have allowed myself to let fear control me. I started thinking about it all more today as I was getting a massage. I was trying to relax and meditate while I had the LMP talked about the rain in Portland and how much it annoyed him. I started to close my eyes and think about where I was in my life and how much I much I wanted to achieve in the next stage of my life.


I started to think about how before a few months ago I had not gotten a massage... the reason: fear. I was so afraid honestly of anyone touching me or my reactions of touching my skin that I didn't allow myself to let go and just get a massage.


I starting thinking about what I wanted in my life as I graduated HS almost 19 years ago and what I have accomplished of those goals. As I graduated I remember thinking how I would love to being an actor and be in local plays and to have the chance to be creative. I enjoyed acting in HS and even worked my way into being in a commercial for a local theme park called Silverwood. My mom was so excited and even recorded the commercial.


I wanted to do music from the time I was just a teenager and in HS i formed many tiny bands that never truly went anywhere but post HS i did form a band. Calling our band CEMENT was important as we though we were always in the midst of changing and yet cemented in the knowledge we would still be a band for a long time. Well after about 6 years that too ended when I went the way of independence and my guitarist the way of drugs and alcohol.


I have been writing since I was as long as I could remember. I wrote poems, stories, ideas. I was in Junior HS when I decided I had to write my first novel with the help of a teacher. I had all the outlines and the first two chapters and all the re writes one could handle at that age. It was a sci-fi fantasy story and it let to the start of many other ones. I always let so much of my sould go through writing.


As a young boy I bought my first camera with hopes to one day be a photographer. My grandpa always was a good photograpgher and I envied him for it. I always wanted to be able to take great pictures and learned early on that the lense can be a world unto itself.


The truth is that I have been a caretaker, workaholic, recovering co-dependent, self sacrificing dreamer for way too long. I have stopped hearing my own words and I have started to listen to the world outside me through blinders that should not be there at this stage of my life.


I have been afraid of rejection and afraid of the harshness of what could be a defeat. Truth be told I have someone in my life who will never let me down unless I let him and that person is ME. I have been so focused on what others may deem me to be if i pursue my dreams and yet I feel the second most important one would support me in any means he could and that is Jacob.


So there it is... the only holding me back is me and now time to viusualize is here and it will happen...


ME by paula cole


and it is me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it's me who's too weak

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better
yes i know there's something
yes i know, i know, yes i know

The Success of Failure

This weekend my partner and I were trying to figure out our plan for a rare saturday that we have off together. He looked over at me with a mischeivous look I have come to know very well. Expecting to recieve some sort of pinch or prodding that would usually end up resulting with us having a wrestling match and dutchess barking along her enthusiasm.

"Wanna get your tattoo" he said. I had to do a double take. "what did you say?" he repeated me in a mocking way me is endearing and always makes me smile. "of course I am serious or I wouldn't ask"

Of course I said Yes and off for the weekend we went. It was as we were driving to Voodoo Tattoo on Hawthorne that I realized 5 years to the day was the first day I got sick unlike anything I had ever known. I know now that was the week I sero-converted. It got me thinking about all that has happened in the past 5 years. That is part of the reason I chose the tattoo I did.

I decided a few months back I wanted to get a red Ribbon to commemorate all that I had been through the past 5 years and all that I had survived and for a reminder of the strength I have within me. As i was getting the tattoo I began to talk a bit about my journey to my tattoo artist, Willow. She started to tell me a bit about her upcoming journey of going on the road and writing a story of a part of her life that helped form who she is at this stage of her life.

It was truly inspiring. l have been sensing the universe speaking to me a lot through the various people and situations surrounding me. I have been so scared of rejection, acceptance, anxiety, all of the above. I have not given myself the chance to be ok and just be accept who I am with all my gifts and talents.

Then it all make sense and I had some major A-ha moments when Jacob and I were driving around on monday and our favorite relationship radio host came on the air. Her name is Dr. Laura Berman and unlike that other Dr. Laura she is full of amazing advice on the self and on what makes healthy relationships work and stay healthy.

Well this past monday the topic was The Power of Fear. It talked about how we let our fears sometimes get in the way of our day to day living. In some cases even letting it consume us from the inside out. It really was just one more look at how I have been letting my fear of success rule over me.

I think the moment so many things change was honestly when i was diagnosed I think as driven as I was to restart my life I lost my faith that I was worth anything or that I could succeed at all with goals that would equate success. Then I met Jacob and one goal (to have a healthy relationship) was achievable. I think now it is time to find out how to make other things in my life successful. I wish I just knew how to start.

Starting next week I plan to start working out and that is something I want to start as a 1st accomplishment. I will add my new tattoo as a symbol of remembering all i have been through the past 5 years and that after all I have done and seen and become I can now move forward with a stronger sense of success and not let failure swallow

The right place...

“I can’t live my life looking for the right place”…
These are the words a friend said to me recently. There is an air in the world, sadness and a loss of hope. The morale in the country and the world, in general, is at a low and it is challenging. I am worn to the bone with being the one that people turn to and vent, deal, and let all their angst pour from them only to do nothing about it .

Do not get me wrong, oh how I love to help people and listen and be supportive to them. The big thing though I notice is a huge sense of impending doom. No matter how much I try and be supportive it would seem that I end up within a week or so hearing the same problems from the same people. The resolve is never there and it seems like the issues that the person I talk to is that nothing will ever change.

The whole idea of the defeatist is too much for me to take on anymore. The truth is I am not a therapist and I do not get paid to take on the world. I would love to think that my words are making a difference and that there is a hope that my life experience has brought to some.

The truth is that, as I hear many times, my experience is only that… MINE… I cannot and will no longer take on the role of fixer upper to people who refuse to take responsibility or move forward on their own accord.
We all go through lows and highs. We all have the chance to learn new things in life. We all have the chance to break the mold of what we are used to and create a new identity for ourselves. Not one of is bound by the ropes we have bound ourselves in. These are just t he constraints whereby we hold ourselves hostage.

For some though it takes time. Time to find your directions and our bearings. I truly believe that if you search you will find yourself. The hard truth is that sometime we have to be patient. A skill I am not very well versed at yet.
So in response to my friends statement at the beginning… maybe the goal isn’t to look for the right place but instead create the place within yourself.

A Howard the Duck moment...

A couple years ago a friend and I were hanging out and trying to figure out a movie to watch. We turned on the cable free movie guide and looked to see what was available and looked good. As we scrolled we stopped and saw the listing for “Howard the Duck”. Feeling very nostalgic, we set the movie up and ordered a pizza.

As we sat we were so excited to re-live our youth and enjoy a movie we remembered as something very fun and youthful. It started and at once I had the memory of watching the movie the first time it came out on video. At that stage of my life I had not seen anything like that. A duck-man from another planet that somehow comes to earth and tries to figure life out while trying to get back home.

So fast forward 12 years, sitting there the movie started. About 10 minutes in I looked over to my friend who seemed to be enjoying it. A few minutes later he looked over at me and said “am I wrong or is this horrible”. Phew I was so glad to know that I was not alone in that assessment.

Every since then I have deemed the phrase for things that were once something that seemed magical but are more faded over time as an adult. I have since had many moments like that. The most prevalent moments have been when I return to my home In Spokane, WA. I went to a restaurant feeling nostalgic for a burger at a local chain called Zip’s. Trying a particular burger I was so excited and upon taking my first bite the memory was not the way I had thought it was. The taste was bland and unfulfilling.

I wonder what it is that ingrains the memories in our mind and how they get so set so far inside that they don’t fade. I watch a lot of movies now and wonder if these will be “Howard The Duck moments”. It is so hard to think that you cannot relive the memories as they were and bring the same energy back that you had then.

I wonder sometimes if there are memories that are created that can live up to the ones we had when we were younger. Is that why some of memories just fade away? Can we create new ones that will someday live up to the ones we had in the past? I know that I have a knack of remember so many things in my life it is a blessing and curse.

I hope to have less “Howard The Duck” moments. But I also hope along the way I can create lasting memories that will stay true to form and not fade as much over the time. I am at a great place in my life and I want to keep them all inside my head.

Letting Go..

“I came here to let you know the letting go has taken place”—Melissa Etheridge

There is theme that has been popping up a lot in my life and the people around me. It is the theme of letting go. I used to think that letting go of things was always a bad thing and that if you let go it was equivalent to giving up.

I have had a tough time lately with taking on too much of everyone’s thoughts and issues. I have always been one to be here and to listen and be a friend. A lot of people come to me and I feel honored to get to be their ear. I know this will never really change.

But as I have sat and talked and assisted I feel that I have hit on something that is a sign of the times in a way.

LETTING GO….

I am just a guilty as anyone in that I take on way more sometimes than I think that I can handle. I am learning lessons all the time in, regard to the idea of letting go. I have found that we as people are so caring and wanting to be able to assist others in a time of need. Sadly though I have seen a pattern of people willing to help others in a way that takes away from themselves.

What a fine line we all walk… at what point is selfishness and selflessness defined and at what point does one overtake the other. As I started looking deeper within myself and see that I have sacrificed a lot of myself in the past when sometimes I needed to nurture myself. That is the fallout of being too available to others.

The flipside is learning a valuable lesson in learning to Let Go. That is that it is ok to let some things go. I am one who is able to remember everything when it comes to situations and life experiences. But sometimes it is ok to step back and just let things go. I don’t always have to be the one who has to always be there. Or the one with all the divine words to fix things. I feel blessed to have the life experience I do… It has gave me wisdom and strength, But sometimes it is ok to say no.

Sometimes letting go means letting go of the things that I over analyze and “think” should be a certain way. By that I mean sometimes I am so head strong that things have to be done a certain way and I refuse to just let things be. I feel like I am always in a rush to have the next adventure or make things in my life happen but sometimes they have to just be.

Reality is that sometimes by letting go we are actually creating a freedom. By letting go we release the mental chains that we are bound by and slowly actually reveal more of ourselves and in essence let more of ourselves go … that is where we learn that Letting Go actually creates a freedom.

I have so many thoughts, fears, and crutches that hold me back and stop me from finding my full potential. There is a part of me so afraid to let go for fear that I will actually make things in my life happen and that my dreams will come true.

I think it is time for me to simply work to let go…

“Piece by piece I take apart /This complicated heart
And I hope to find /Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth /I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got /The further I could see
We choose our road /The letting go “ – Melissa Etheridge