Awake from the Darkness

The past week I have been in the process of changing my anti-depressants and switching over to a new one that will hopefully help me better in my mental state.

This has really opened my eyes up top some things that I never thought about before. I find that sometimes when you are making a change (no matter what kind) there is certain clarity of sorts that comes to mind.

I have been thinking about when I was a child and how I would have these emotional break down or outbursts. They used to be so bad and I was always so out of control. My parents used to call them my “Temper Tantrums” and it was always so crazy. My parents were a bit lost and not sure what to do with a 12 year old that is having freak outs.

When I was 13 I had one my “tantrums”. Little did I know the result. I remember my mom asking me to do something very trivial in a homework assignment. I didn’t feel like I could do what was being asked of me and I started to just come unglued. I called my grandma stupid and that was the end I was kicked out of the house and forced to move back in with my step dad.

It was years later I would still be having these mini breakdowns and no amount of therapy or anger management classes could help. I even learned skills to make myself not be so angry or to resolve my anger. Nothing worked until about 3 years ago when I started taking new anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds. It was the like a miracle came over me.

It has been a long time since I had an issue where I felt like I have in the past where I felt a bit crazy in my head. It is a weird sensation to now be switching the meds. Last week I was up late cooking with Jacob and it was like something in me snapped and I just went off.

It is a terrifying feeling to not know why you snap or what is causing you to act out irrationally. I seriously think the meanest thoughts and want to act out. It is almost as if the filter that controls the actions in my brain is off. I feel tired and worn down all the time and it really just wears at me.

The strange part is the insight it has given me to my past. I know that I have suffered from depression a majority of my life but not until I was older did I ever have it recognized. It is odd to think about how all the years I suffered and thought how horrible I was for having my “tantrums”. Feeling like I was losing control.

Time does teach us many things. I am thankful for a supportive partner who has run his own personal battle with depression. So many people in my past have thought something was wrong with me or plain thought I was crazy. I am also thankful to look back and not feel so sad about my reactions.

I see now a lot my connection issues with others and the general feeling that I was embraced in darkness was due to depression. Being lowered on dosage is interesting in the way that it has seriously made me think about how I like the feeling so much better (thanks to modern medicine) of having my mind connected and balanced our correctly.

I think a bit about how this has been such a great experience to learn more about myself and the way my head works. Makes me wonder what other lessons I still have yet to learn as I move forward.

One of the best parts of this whole experience though is the awakening that I have had in regards to the creative side. Maybe there was a need to dip into the DARKNESS just for a moment or two for me to see what I have in my head and what is ready to blossom artistically.

I hope though in the future that I don’t have to go through all this in order to find my creative soul again, or to have to endure having to feel crazy just to fix my brain.