LOVE---
Just the word alone evokes so many images, thoughts, ideas, and feelings within us. It could be a good feeling or a reminder that you were slighted once. maybe a heart is broken and you worry it will never heal. The eternal question seems to remain though.
WHAT IS LOVE?
Songs are written on the subject, movies made, books written and no one still seems to know the answer. Is it cut and dry? or is it so personal that there isnt a worldly answer? Is it possible to not ever LOVE, can you LOVE too much?
The subject has been on my mind alot lately. See I have fallen in LOVE harder and deeper than I ever imagined. How did I get to this place? I am not sure the answer can be wrapped up in a tight and simple bow. It is more of a journey that continues every day.
LOVE began for me pre-conception. I have been told that my bio-parents were some pretty fun loving hippies. They met, fell in LOVE and wanted a "SYMBOL of their LOVE" for one another. They tried and tried to make it happen and eventually it did. I found it amazing that I was concieved with the power of true LOVE. From the stories I have heard my bio-mom and my Father were so madly in LOVE. They had the kind of LOVE that people admired and wanted themselves. I think this was the first stage to wanting to have that kind of LOVE. To start out life with so much LOVE I think can change you for the better.
My paternal grandfather said that I was loved so much and adored by my parents but sadly when my father passed it changed so many things. My bio-Mom was heartbroken and started a self destructive path. From that moment on I yearned and searched to be loved and wanted. The loss was massive and yet I was only 1-1/2 years old. The recovery would take years.
I thought that the best way to be loved was to sacrifice of myself. I craved touched, to be held and loved in a way I think every child desires. My step father adopted me and he struggled to show love. It was very evident that he lacked self LOVE and the ability to truly LOVE. To this day he lacks the skills in basic LOVE. We existed and the LOVE enetered our world. My mom, the lady that I at least call my MOM, enetered my life.
We struggled in our house much like any family does... we had addictions, financial instabilities, emotional trauma, all the things that we all have that build "character". Funny that during those early days of my life we never used the word LOVE vebally. There was a definate tyoe of love but that self-hate entered and it destroyed the safe place that we had as family.
Looking at those times I think it was apparent that there was a certain amount of co-dependancy that existed. My mom though took us to a safe place and worked to center our life in LOVE. But still the words were not spoken. Unfortunately I ended up forced back to live with my step-dad and the self hatred he instilled onto others. The only LOVE I was showned in those teenage years was alcohol, physical, amd mental violence. I tried to escape it didnt work.
I sought love within my freinds and the poeple around me. Fast forward to 18 and that is when I met Shawna. She was an amazing freind and a great soul. I had felt up to that point the only way to find love is to fall into the norms of society and deny the innermost voice telling me I was wrong and dirty. I conformed and it was all torn to shreds.
Ironically it was about 11 years ago almost to the day I heard about Matthew Shepard. It awakened who I was and why I was unable to LOVE. The truth is the cliche about loving yourself brings about love is so true. I started searching and embracing the fact that I was a gay man and reconciling my past self hatred for true love.
The path to get here was at times so hard and the list of characters in this novel of my life played out like a David Sedaris novel. Often humourous and sometimes dangerous. I searched to find a way to LOVE. I feel I have almost died and sweated more than just tears in order to find true l LOVE. For a time I felt that it was impossible. That true LOVE was invented in our minds and it was something we tricked ourselves into believing.
I felt depressed and lost and so clueless as to the meaning of the world or life. There was a spark that had died deep inside. It was like a furnace that was without a pilot light. I searched deep and started therapy. I always thought therapy was just bogus way to try to self help and blame your problems on others. I started cognitive therapy and the effect it had on me was profound.
To quote Dar Williams in the song "What Do You Hear In These Sounds?" (And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think,That it only makes you selfish and in LOVE with your shrink,But oh how I loved everybody else,When I finally got to talk so much about myself,"
Its true. I started healing and started to find my light and my soul. It was like rebuilding a peice of shattered glass and reforming it and creating a loving work of art. I learned that it was ok to feel the way I felt about the past and that I was a worthwhile person. I started to LOVE and with that came an acceptance and LOVE for others.
Sadly I lost many with being able to love myself. Come to find out many people arent totally crazy when others find happiness within themselves. Some see that as a sign of the lack of self LOVE in their own lives. I took some time and just let myself be me. So much healing started it was like moss covering my life and engulfing it with a new light.
That is when something so unexpected happened. I thought my romance/LOVE karma card was blown away and prepared to just enjoy my life alone with Dutchess as my companion. Then I recived a text message from a guy I had been freind with online that lived in Portland. It was a great new freindship with someone that seemed so amazing.
Jacob decided to drive up to Seattle just to meet me. I have to say the moment I met him inside Barnes & Nobles there was a feeling something that was so raw and open. I was so anxious I had started to chatter away LOL. The night progressed and we spent a great night hanging out. I went home that night with a smile. I felt something was different changed. Something that was pure.
Fast forward to October 2009. I have realized much about myself. The first thing I have learned is that I truly for the first time in my emtire life LOVE myself. I don't let anyone bring me down and try to not let anyone take advantage of me. The other realization is that I have met my fisrt TRUE LOVE. The love I have for Jacob is so pure and true. I have fallen for my best freind and I look now for examples of loving lasting relationships. I tell Jacob all the time. I want to make history and be a couple and defy the odds.
I watch poeple liek his parents who after 40+ years together found they were best freinds and truly in LOVE. Each day that goes by feels different. With Jacob I feel like I am experiencei8ng everything for the first time and there is that spark again. Nothing seems to bring me down and I am moved to tears with the power I feel knowing that we deserve each other and that we both truly LOVE not oonly ourselves but each other.
So what really is LOVE?
I think LOVE is truly accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. Opening up yourself to the fact that you are truly human and that You are capable of so much more than ever thought.
LOVE is the realization that you are one with the world and that there is a plan and that plan may be the most amazing lessons in the universe.
LOVE is knowing that you are ok and that when the time is right your heart will open and accept LOVE that is pure and kind and full of so many blessing.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Understanding Limits...
When i was a kid my mom worked at the Salvation Army. She was in charge of the Senior Nutrition Program. Her job would entail picking up food to be served to the seniors that would come to the center on a (mostly) daily basis, make sure the food was ordered and nutritious, as well as tracking what poeple ate, etc.
The smell of the food in the plastic bins is still engrained in my mind. The Salvation Army (SA)provided a lot of memories in my childhood. I know that my parents wedding reception was there, many of the guests were the people who my mom served during her tenure with SA. I learned to swim at that age.
I felt I could swim for hours and hours and I was safe and protected in the deep chlorinated blue tinted waters. Pretending to be Aquaman was one of my favorite past times. Many times wishing I could eventually turn into a fish and escape the world through some pipe. Sadly I know now that I would just end up in some tamk most likely.
Summers were spent going to daycamp and feild trips. I reember learning to crab walk for the first time, many trips to the Spokane Interstate fairgrounds, movies, waterslide parks. It was a time I remember as an amazing time that was an escape in a world knowing that my family was poor but I was accepted and nooned care about money or what I did or didnt have.
My mom would pick up many of the seniors that went to SA. I don't know if that was part of her job, but we did it nonetheless. We would pick the food up in the dark maroon vans that the center provided. On the way, there would always be a stop to pick someone up who couldnt make it to the center on their own. The time in the van would involve hearing stories of grandchildren, relatives, politics, and daily gossip. My brother Aaron and I would always be showered with affection being that we were a couple of "carrot-tops" that were young and playful.
As the years went by my Mom had another baby, quit SA and went back to school to eventually accomplish receiving her MSW. The thing though she never stopped was random picking up of seniors form the center and grabbing a luch here and there. I would accompany her on many of the lunch outings. Sadly most of the seniors from that era have passed. There was one thing I remember though, my mom's dedication to heping people.
In school I was not popular by any means. When I started public school in 3rd grade I was that one kid everyone targets to pick on. I remember always relating to adults better than other children. They all seemed so trivial in their thought process. I would always volunteer to help a teacher before or after class. Around 5th grade I started being called a teacher's pet. I found out it was not very popular to be helpful but i didnt care. There was a safety and refuge from the kids wanting to beat me up or calling me names.
A I got older I watched as my mom continued volunteer like a mad women. She taught writing classes at the college, assisted with refugee relief, working with the prayer chain at church, sunday school duties, working with an interfaith paper called the Fig Tree. Somehow she still was able to maintain a house with kids, a husband, 2 dogs and cats and other pets within the house.
This sat engrained in my mind and I knew that volunteering was in the cards for me. I tried to find my niche via several ways in church and work activities. My first time I realized how much I loved to volunteer was after I had come out and I was part of a commitee that provided a yearly retreat for people in 12 step recovery program. I was considered the "normie" by the poeple who came to the retreat since I was not in a recovery program.
One of my favorite moments was getting to merge my mom's world with mine. She was heavy into facilitatimg writing seminars teaching "Healing Through Writing". She ended up facilitating one our groups and it was an amazing experience to see my mom as more than just my mom but a healer that was using her skills for the betterment of the soul. That moment just moved me so much to have that experience to share with my mom.
This didnt stop my desire to want to volunteer more, in actuality it jumpstarted a sleeping creature. The years have brought many chances to volunteer. Once moving to Seattle I found the need for volunteering is so great. I decided that I wanted to do something that would be a bit more meaningful than just sending mailing lists or anything like that. I decided to volunteer at Lambert House . Lambert House is a center for gay. lesbian, bisexual, transgender and question youth. A safe house that provides support and great activities the youth.
The first day I went to the volunteer coordinating class I met Dawn Morgan. We quickly became close freinds and shared the common need to educate and volunteer. I feel this was such an immense time of growth for me. I learned more than I could even blog here in one entry. After many changes in administration and funding cuts I wasnt able to keep up my fair share of the needs that need to met and I stepped back. I still helped where i could with minor volunteer roles within the community until a bit over a year ago.
I had been in a group at Dunshee House that supported newer diagnosed HIV+ poeple. I felt it was my time to step up to the plate and and become more apart of Dunshee house and it eventually opened up into my role as facilitator for said group. It led me to volunteering with POS Seattle as well as AIDSWALK with work and so many great opportunities. I have loved it so very much and love the ability to be a mentor and bring my experience to people who are scared and a bit lost knowing that I was there just a few short years ago. The experience has been exhaustingly rewarding.
A few weeks ago I had to take a hard look in myself and realize that I am stretched to my limit. I have spoken with my mom about how she feels that it was time to step back on some of her own volunteering. Once again my path with her has crossed and I have realized that it is time to step back and live some life for a while. As of August 7th my duties with Dunshee house will be done and I will take a much needed sigh of relief.
I know that my Service Work is far from done in this lifetime. It is just a time to keep working on making my life and journey at this stage an experience that I can LIVE and not rush through. It is time to work more on my goals and my dreams and let other poeple take over the duties that I have occupied so very long. Passing the torch feels so good and healthy.
I am glad to have this time to write and work on some music ideas. I will focus on quality of life and I know its the best decision much like the path my mom has chosen as well.
The smell of the food in the plastic bins is still engrained in my mind. The Salvation Army (SA)provided a lot of memories in my childhood. I know that my parents wedding reception was there, many of the guests were the people who my mom served during her tenure with SA. I learned to swim at that age.
I felt I could swim for hours and hours and I was safe and protected in the deep chlorinated blue tinted waters. Pretending to be Aquaman was one of my favorite past times. Many times wishing I could eventually turn into a fish and escape the world through some pipe. Sadly I know now that I would just end up in some tamk most likely.
Summers were spent going to daycamp and feild trips. I reember learning to crab walk for the first time, many trips to the Spokane Interstate fairgrounds, movies, waterslide parks. It was a time I remember as an amazing time that was an escape in a world knowing that my family was poor but I was accepted and nooned care about money or what I did or didnt have.
My mom would pick up many of the seniors that went to SA. I don't know if that was part of her job, but we did it nonetheless. We would pick the food up in the dark maroon vans that the center provided. On the way, there would always be a stop to pick someone up who couldnt make it to the center on their own. The time in the van would involve hearing stories of grandchildren, relatives, politics, and daily gossip. My brother Aaron and I would always be showered with affection being that we were a couple of "carrot-tops" that were young and playful.
As the years went by my Mom had another baby, quit SA and went back to school to eventually accomplish receiving her MSW. The thing though she never stopped was random picking up of seniors form the center and grabbing a luch here and there. I would accompany her on many of the lunch outings. Sadly most of the seniors from that era have passed. There was one thing I remember though, my mom's dedication to heping people.
In school I was not popular by any means. When I started public school in 3rd grade I was that one kid everyone targets to pick on. I remember always relating to adults better than other children. They all seemed so trivial in their thought process. I would always volunteer to help a teacher before or after class. Around 5th grade I started being called a teacher's pet. I found out it was not very popular to be helpful but i didnt care. There was a safety and refuge from the kids wanting to beat me up or calling me names.
A I got older I watched as my mom continued volunteer like a mad women. She taught writing classes at the college, assisted with refugee relief, working with the prayer chain at church, sunday school duties, working with an interfaith paper called the Fig Tree. Somehow she still was able to maintain a house with kids, a husband, 2 dogs and cats and other pets within the house.
This sat engrained in my mind and I knew that volunteering was in the cards for me. I tried to find my niche via several ways in church and work activities. My first time I realized how much I loved to volunteer was after I had come out and I was part of a commitee that provided a yearly retreat for people in 12 step recovery program. I was considered the "normie" by the poeple who came to the retreat since I was not in a recovery program.
One of my favorite moments was getting to merge my mom's world with mine. She was heavy into facilitatimg writing seminars teaching "Healing Through Writing". She ended up facilitating one our groups and it was an amazing experience to see my mom as more than just my mom but a healer that was using her skills for the betterment of the soul. That moment just moved me so much to have that experience to share with my mom.
This didnt stop my desire to want to volunteer more, in actuality it jumpstarted a sleeping creature. The years have brought many chances to volunteer. Once moving to Seattle I found the need for volunteering is so great. I decided that I wanted to do something that would be a bit more meaningful than just sending mailing lists or anything like that. I decided to volunteer at Lambert House . Lambert House is a center for gay. lesbian, bisexual, transgender and question youth. A safe house that provides support and great activities the youth.
The first day I went to the volunteer coordinating class I met Dawn Morgan. We quickly became close freinds and shared the common need to educate and volunteer. I feel this was such an immense time of growth for me. I learned more than I could even blog here in one entry. After many changes in administration and funding cuts I wasnt able to keep up my fair share of the needs that need to met and I stepped back. I still helped where i could with minor volunteer roles within the community until a bit over a year ago.
I had been in a group at Dunshee House that supported newer diagnosed HIV+ poeple. I felt it was my time to step up to the plate and and become more apart of Dunshee house and it eventually opened up into my role as facilitator for said group. It led me to volunteering with POS Seattle as well as AIDSWALK with work and so many great opportunities. I have loved it so very much and love the ability to be a mentor and bring my experience to people who are scared and a bit lost knowing that I was there just a few short years ago. The experience has been exhaustingly rewarding.
A few weeks ago I had to take a hard look in myself and realize that I am stretched to my limit. I have spoken with my mom about how she feels that it was time to step back on some of her own volunteering. Once again my path with her has crossed and I have realized that it is time to step back and live some life for a while. As of August 7th my duties with Dunshee house will be done and I will take a much needed sigh of relief.
I know that my Service Work is far from done in this lifetime. It is just a time to keep working on making my life and journey at this stage an experience that I can LIVE and not rush through. It is time to work more on my goals and my dreams and let other poeple take over the duties that I have occupied so very long. Passing the torch feels so good and healthy.
I am glad to have this time to write and work on some music ideas. I will focus on quality of life and I know its the best decision much like the path my mom has chosen as well.
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