My therapist asked me this after an extensive session discussing why I do not do finish things projects that I start. I started to answer before I stopped myself.
I started therapy due to a lot of anxiety and inability to break through obstacles that were haunting me. After an extensive search I found a therapist that I not only clicked with but also trusted.
The defining moment for me was when she asked the question about fear. I have now really attacked my fears head on and found myself pleasantly surprised. It has changed my entire perspective. I have learned to let go of a lot of things that I never know that I could.
I feel for the 1st time in my life i have finally made some limits and surprise surprise it has created happiness. Many years ago I spoke about how I felt our lives are like cars that needed to be kept up and maintained. The 4 tires (Health, Career , Relationships; Spirituality) are what keep the car up and running.
I have truly never felt so healthy. My numbers have all been amazing. I started to run and I am finding that each day I run I feel amazing. I actually miss running on the days that I don't. I have also started eating better and moving around more. I have no clue what I was afraid of in running and moving.
I would like to say that I am in the career that I love but truthfully that is not true. But I am taking steps to sort through what I want to make my career. I am applying for job where I feel I want to work. I even started writing for the local LQBT about HIV testing. I truly have loved the start of doing this: (http://www.pqmonthly.com/day-life-hiv-tester-hiv-testing-101/16368)
For years I have fought myself on what it means to be a spiritual person. I have taken s step back for a while and truly and taking care of myself in regards to be closer to my heavenly father, I am enjoying simple meditations. The truth is that I feel closer and closer to the true soul being that I am every day.
This is the biggest area growth that I have seen in myself. I never thought it possible but I have found the ultimate happiness with the relationships in my life. In regards to my parents and siblings I have found that letting go of certain expectations and being able to let go and speak my own truth has created stronger bonds and the ability to speak more openly with my family.
I have learned the art of true intimacy with my partner. I have learned the importance of the mellow time and the communication. For years I though I knew what I wanted but realize I did so out of normalcy. No longer in my mind are the days that a family has to be parents and 2.5 kids. I feel, at this time, I truly have an amazing family. Having a partner that is supportive, caring, and fun like him makes life so exciting. We have our furry kids and that is enough for now. Who know what the future holds but I have decided to let go of future tripping. I am in love and experiencing the deepest true partnership. I could not imagine anything better.
So when it come right down to it I have realized I was afraid for a long time that if anyone saw behind the mask of who Michael Lee Howard they would not understand me. I felt that I would be rejected and lose the people in my life. I think that changed when I began to cut people and let them go. Toxic people bring nothing to me and I will not allow them to exist here now.
To answer my therapist's question: I am not afraid like before... I am blossoming, letting go, and finding my soul.