Monday, January 11, 2016
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
I love learning anything and everything that I can. It is an exciting thing to be able to take in your surroundings and to ingest the idea, thoughts or general practices of those in this world we all live. There is a downside to being a human sponge though, all these news concepts get inside of my being and get “cramped up” (for lack of a better term).
I feel as if my head is bursting with so many ideas and I do not know how to contain it. As a result I find that I cannot write it all down. The overwhelmingness (Yes I know it is not a real word) definitely keeps me weighted down mentally and makes me just want to throw my hands up sometimes.
My husband has to spend a lot of time saying to slow down and focus on one thing at a time. I tend to do well with all my day to day activities but when it comes to my creative endeavors I fall pretty short. The ideas that I get flow, get fractured, warped and skewed by the time I sit down to write. Then I cannot figure out the way to make any of it all make sense.
The bad habit is I also strive way too hard for perfection. I find myself analyzing not only my creative endeavors but also my audience. I decide exactly what thoughts I share with people as I write and thereby edit before I get the thoughts out.
As a response, all the vowels, consonants, hypothesis, and allegories fall into the mental funnel inside my head and block up somewhere in my cortex. Imagine it like blocks that are trying to push through a round hole the size of a straw. Not pretty and truly not assistive in any way.
The irony of course is that I am always looking for the best way to utilize time. Efficiency is key and I work very hard to be efficient and stay positive and relaxed. Then I sit down to write and the mush hits followed by my brain shutting off. The Pressure valve is not easy to turn off.
I am going to start working on better ways to organize my head space. The exhaustion created from the collected chaos surprisingly affects my energy level, not to mention my ability to communicate properly most of the time. I need to find some type of mental ex-lax.
I am built to create. I know this in my core.
Monday, June 9, 2014
The 1st half of 2014 has been rough to say the least. Jacob and I started off with an amazing cruise that was so needed. Little did we know how much so as we stepped into the "life bombs".
Within minutes of returning home I found out that my step-grandmother had passed away from Cancer. Having just spend time with her two months before, it honestly broke my heart to lose someone so amazing. Our small family is still really from this life-bomb.
As I started to move on it made me start question the new phase of my life. I turned 40 in March. In that time I have seen a lot of loss surrounding me and not enough gains. I am watching family and friends grieving losses of loved ones, loved pets, loss of health, and in some cases even forms of mental stability.
Then in mid-May I had an episode at work that left me not able to speak or move for several hours. For the 1st time, in as long as I could remember, I was terrified and scared that I had had a stroke or that the big C word had taken over my body. The wave that ensued through my being made me really reflect on where I am at in my life and where I want to be. My movement came back; my speech slowly returned and received an outpouring of love. Most people prob have to wait til death to feel what I felt in the universe energies and all the prayers sent my way.
"It wasn't my time to go" was my pat response. Inside I had no idea what it all meant. I then stepped back and took time to try and see what it was that I am meant to do. That is is not an easy task. I am still not 100% clear but one lesson that I did learn was that I have so much more work to do.
I made the decisions that I want to continue to help people and that I def want to work in some way shape or form in the medical industry. Upon knowing this I was hit with another shocker when my work decided to cut our pay. I was nudged to start looking for more meaning that I had previously had when job hunting. A couple weeks later I was offer a job with an insurance company.
I am ready for less life-bombs. Though I also realize that now I am on the half of my life where I will lose more than I gained. I think the challenging thing is that the 1st half of my life had so much loss and trauma and life-bombs. I am wanting a break, a chance to breathe.
In the midst of all the challenging times though I have come to see the ones that are the most loving and supportive in my life. Some of them have surprised me and caught me off guard in a good way. The most important ones shown me that this life is a good thing and even with the life bombs that are thrown my way that I will be ok and love.
I have always said "I am second half people". I stand by that statement and know that this year will be better on the second part.
I am a bit more prepared for the life bombs that will be thrown my way. It is a very tough generational thing when you cross the line from the gain/loss momentum. But I know that I am ready to trudge forward and that I am stronger than I was....
BRING ON THE LIFE-BOMBS...... I will not be destroyed.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
The song is called Fall Asleep.
The lyrics state
So stay up with me, don't fall asleep
Because we only have this moment once in our lives
And next time we'll meet under city lights
We're here tonight, so let's make it all it was meant to be
The tears fell and fell. I could not understand why. Moments later I realized it was something you said that rang in my gray matter.
You taught me to live by the words of "I'll sleep when I am dead". We all would laugh and think how adventurous of a woman you are, and so young in spirit.
When I first met you many years ago I thought you hated me. I wanted to be liked and loved so much. I only saw the way you didn't accept me the way you had my mom and Jeremy. Looking back the picture becomes so clear. You were protecting your son. You wanted the best life for him and my chaos made no sense.
Throughout the years you accepted me and all my deficiencies. You have become the grandmother I had wished for for so many years. I am inspired by your zest for your life. I do not know anyone that can say that he had his grandma at at a gay pride parade, or one that would go to a Naked Bike Race.
Your approach to life has inspired so much every day and I believe that you made my life better for being in it. You have taught me to remember traditions. family is #1, That acceptance is amazing.
The winter after I came out as gay you invited me to your Christmas celebration and treated me as if nothing was different. That means more than you could ever know. You have been so caring and open with not only me but with Jacob as well.
I do not want you to fall asleep. Only because I am selfish and love to hear your stories and what your newest adventures have become.
I also know that when it comes down to it I also do not want you to suffer. It is hurts to know that someone you love is in pain and hurting. I hope that what is supposed to be happen will be peaceful for you.
If you fall sleep before I can see you next please know I will be continue to live my life the way you have shown and the way you have lived.
I will continue to enjoy each moment and to know that I will sleep when I am dead.
I love you Lenora.
Michael Lee Howard-Mayhew