B is for Blues

Yes good friends are the best. I know cause I have ones like you" - Steve Nov. 17th. This was the end of a long text conversation that I had on a late Monday night. It was just like the normal messages that Steve and I shared on a regular basis... usually a couple times a week or so. Two days later I was on Facebook and saw very random words about missing Steve on his Facebook and after some investigation, I was in shock to find that Steve had passed away Nov 19th. Even more saddened that it was by his own doing. I do not know how long the process is to grieve someone that you were friends with for the better part of a decade and saw each other through many rough times. I am also not sure how you get over the idea that someone so bright and seemingly happy would take their own life. I flash backed 8 years ago for myself. It had been a bit over a year after my diagnosis. I remember sitting in my very dull house above a church in a rough part of Seattle. Everything I owned in a large room. I had recently ended a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I had a job I was hating and even fewer friends I felt I could count on. I was depressed and felt hopeless. It was in all honestly the lowest point in my entire life. I thought I had a great idea... or so something in my head told me so. I meticulously gathered all the pills in my cupboard grabbed a large glass of water. Closed and locked my bedroom door. I dumped all the pills onto the floor and took a deep. I was ready to end it all. That is when I heard the whining (a familiar sound to me) from my little pup. Dutchess was only 4 months old but she just looked at me in a way that gave me the sense that she knew my darkness inside. That is when the thought hit me.... Who would take care of my little pup that I have been nurturing up to this point. I could not think of any one person who would care for and understand her like I had in those few months. How could I leave her all alone? All she had was me. As the tears fell I grabbed Dutchess and just laid on that tan carpet for what felt like days. I had lost hope and I was about to do the unthinkable. I somehow felt deep in my core I could never be loved and in return never love anyone again. The next day I went to my doctors office and officially started on anti-depressants and the beginning of three years of intensive cognitive therapy. I was blue for years and gave myself to anyone that would show me love and then was rejected time and time again. Why? Well the answer was because I hid that I was suffering for years with depression. I was also seen as the upbeat guy who was the life of the party. Inside I felt in secure and scared that anyone could find out my "nasty secret"... DEPRESSION. If I ever showed the darker side of me people would ask me to stop being down and perk up. Like that ever worked. It is still relatively new to speak so openly about such topics; Depression is a devastating thing that can eat you from the inside out. It is like this spinning ball of disease that will twist your core and when it is done you can be left a shell of who you are meant to be. your light will burn out and you will find out that you have no hope left. Steve lost his hope. He hid it well from the world and the he touched the people that surrounded him and yet somehow never saw that if he had dropped hiss guard we would have all been here to support him. If I had not had the support of of the few people including, ironically, Steve to see me into my after therapy life, I would not be here today. I like the guy I am now. I live my truth. I am married to an amazing man who gets me and understands how I am built, for the most part. I have 4 furry kids and yes Dutchess is still sitting by my side these years later to whine and cuddle. I have an extended family and nieces that brighten my world. I am the closest to my family I have ever been. I have chosen to chase blues and to embrace that I am a person that suffers and lives with depression. But also choose to laugh. I love to laugh at least once a day and every night I count my blessings. Thank you Dutchess of saving me. Thank you Steve for letting my life be touched by you. I miss our conversations and I miss your laugh and the way you brought joy to any space you were. You inspired me to learn about wine and cruises. You will not be forgotten....

A is for Adventure

Throughout my life I have said “stick with me and adventures will happen”. I find much like that car that you purchase that is the one year that the part was unique, I get the same karmic energy. I realized early on that I had two choices: embrace the adventures or let it eat my alive. I chose the former due to the fun that it would create on a regular basis. My last adventure involved a trip with my husband. Arizona was a place that he has enjoyed for many years. After living in the damp and humidity outlet that is Portland, he found a peace that existed in the warm sunny Phoenix area. Good fortune shined when friends of our told us they had a place and car to stay, all we would have to do is provide the plane tickets. We hopped on this chance within days. Fast forward to October 15th. We were more than ready to escape our jobs for sunnier land. We arrived to the airport in time and ready to jet away. [Cell phone text] “Flight CONF# has been cancelled due to mechanical issues.” The next hour or so was filled watching panic ensue at gate A17. Everyone was scrambling to get new tickets, yelling at agents, cursing and all around frustration. Yet, in the corner Jacob and I were calling and getting ourselves prepared for leaving the next day. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have just gotten news that the flight to phoenix has been reassigned and we will begin boarding in a short while” More chaos ensued as we all had to have our tickets once again change out from our changed flights to the new reassigned flight. These types of situations have become the norm for me. My favorite part was that both of us were calm and took it with joy and no stress. Once in AZ our adventures continued. We got lost in Sedona, pulled more U-turns than I thought possible, ended up in a redneck sports bar, eating really yummy roadside food, a late night casino run, and had fun people watching bar in Phoenix. What I have learned to embrace and love about these slight karmic accidents is that they all lead me to some type of adventure. Very few, if any, of these adventures have found me without wanting to belly laugh. I truly enjoy that I have stories due to my adventures. I have ones about being lost (happens more often than not), Family adventures, being arrested, and pet adventures. I figure that life is short so why not enjoy a good adventures. Hopefully as I write more I will get to share more adventures. Here’s to forever…. #Plane #A-Z #Adventures

Constipation (The Writing Kind)

I love learning anything and everything that I can. It is an exciting thing to be able to take in your surroundings and to ingest the idea, thoughts or general practices of those in this world we all live.  There is a downside to being a human sponge though, all these news concepts get inside of my being and get “cramped up” (for lack of a better term).

I feel as if my head is bursting with so many ideas and I do not know how to contain it. As a result I find that I cannot write it all down. The overwhelmingness (Yes I know it is not a real word) definitely keeps me weighted down mentally and makes me just want to throw my hands up sometimes.

My husband has to spend a lot of time saying to slow down and focus on one thing at a time. I tend to do well with all my day to day activities but when it comes to my creative endeavors I fall pretty short. The ideas that I get flow, get fractured, warped and skewed by the time I sit down to write. Then I cannot figure out the way to make any of it all make sense.

 The bad habit is I also strive way too hard for perfection. I find myself analyzing not only my creative endeavors but also my audience. I decide exactly what thoughts I share with people as I write and thereby edit before I get the thoughts out. 

As a response, all the vowels, consonants, hypothesis, and allegories fall into the mental funnel inside my head  and block up somewhere in my cortex. Imagine it like blocks that are trying to push through a round hole the size of a straw.  Not pretty and truly not assistive in any way.

The irony of course is that I am always looking for the best way to utilize time.  Efficiency is key and I work very hard to be efficient and stay positive and relaxed.  Then I sit down to write and the mush hits followed by my brain shutting off. The Pressure valve is not easy to turn off.

I am going to start working on better ways to organize my head space. The exhaustion created from the collected chaos surprisingly affects my energy level, not to mention my ability to communicate properly most of the time. I need to find some type of mental ex-lax.

I am built to create. I know this in my core. 

Life-Bombs

I have not written in a while. I am not sure the exact reason. I think a lot had to do with trying to figure me out. I think breaks can be good for the soul. There is less pressure on ourselves.

The 1st half of 2014 has been rough to say the least. Jacob and I started off with an amazing cruise that was so needed. Little did we know how much so as we stepped into the "life bombs".

Within minutes of returning home I found out that my step-grandmother had passed away from Cancer. Having just spend time with her two months before, it honestly broke my heart to lose someone so amazing. Our small family is still really from this life-bomb.

As I started to move on it made me start question the new phase of my life. I turned 40 in March. In that time I have seen a lot of loss surrounding me and not enough gains. I am watching family and friends grieving losses of loved ones, loved pets, loss of health, and in some cases even forms of mental stability.

Then in mid-May I had an episode at work that left me not able to speak or move for several hours. For the 1st time, in as long as I could remember, I was terrified and scared that I had had a stroke or that the big C word had taken over my body. The wave that ensued through my being made me really reflect on where I am at in my life and where I want to be. My movement came back; my speech slowly returned and received an outpouring of love. Most people prob have to wait til death to feel what I felt in the universe energies and all the prayers sent my way.

"It wasn't my time to go" was my pat response. Inside I had no idea what it all meant. I then stepped back and took time to try and see what it was that I am meant to do. That is is not an easy task. I am still not 100% clear but one lesson that I did learn was that I have so much more work to do.

I made the decisions that I want to continue to help people and that I def want to work in some way shape or form in the medical industry. Upon knowing this I was hit with another shocker when my work decided to cut our pay. I was nudged to start looking for more meaning that I had previously had when job hunting. A couple weeks later I was offer a job with an insurance company.

I am ready for less life-bombs. Though I also realize that now I am on the half of my life where I will lose more than I gained. I think the challenging thing is that the 1st half of my life had so much loss and trauma and life-bombs. I am wanting a break, a chance to breathe.

In the midst of all the challenging times though I have come to see the ones that are the most loving and supportive in my life. Some of them have surprised me and caught me off guard in a good way. The most important ones shown me that this life is a good thing and even with the life bombs that are thrown my way that I will be ok and love.

I have always said "I am second half people". I stand by that statement and know that this year will be better on the second part.

I am a bit more prepared for the life bombs that will be thrown my way. It is a very tough generational thing when you cross the line from the gain/loss momentum. But I know that I am ready to trudge forward and that I am stronger than I was....

BRING ON THE LIFE-BOMBS...... I will not be destroyed.

For Lenora

The other day I was in my car taking in the thoughts of 2013 and a song came on my radio.
The song is called Fall Asleep.
The lyrics state

So stay up with me, don't fall asleep
Because we only have this moment once in our lives
And next time we'll meet under city lights
We're here tonight, so let's make it all it was meant to be

 The tears fell and fell. I could not understand why. Moments later I realized it was something you said that rang in my gray matter.

You taught me to live by the words of "I'll sleep when I am dead". We all would laugh and think how adventurous of a woman you are, and so young in spirit.

 When I first met you many years ago I thought you hated me. I wanted to be liked and loved so much. I only saw the way you didn't accept me the way you had my mom and Jeremy. Looking back the picture becomes so clear. You were protecting your son. You wanted the best life for him and my chaos made no sense.

 Throughout the years you accepted me and all my deficiencies. You have become the grandmother I had wished for for so many years. I am inspired by your zest for your life. I do not know anyone that can say that he had his grandma at at a gay pride parade, or one that would go to a Naked Bike Race.

Your approach to life has inspired so much every day and I believe that you made my life better for being in it. You have taught me to remember traditions. family is #1, That acceptance is amazing.

 The winter after I came out as gay you invited me to your Christmas celebration and treated me as if nothing was different. That means more than you could ever know. You have been so caring and open with not only me but with Jacob as well.

 I do not want you to fall asleep. Only because I am selfish and love to hear your stories and what your newest adventures have become.

 I also know that when it comes down to it I also do not want you to suffer. It is hurts to know that someone you love is in pain and hurting. I hope that what is supposed to be happen will be peaceful for you.

 If you fall sleep before I can see you next please know I will be continue to live my life the way you have shown and the way you have lived.

I will continue to enjoy each moment and to know that I will sleep when I am dead.

I love you Lenora.

Your Grandson,
Michael Lee Howard-Mayhew