Further down the road

"So what are you exactly afraid will happen if you just let go of your fears"

My therapist asked me this after an extensive session discussing why I do not do finish things projects that I start. I started to answer before I stopped myself.

I started therapy due to a lot of anxiety and inability to break through obstacles that were haunting me. After an extensive search I found a therapist that I not only clicked with but also trusted.

The defining moment for me was when she asked the question about fear. I have now really attacked my fears head on and found myself pleasantly surprised. It has changed my entire perspective. I have learned to let go of a lot of things that I never know that I could.

I feel for the 1st time in my life i have finally made some limits and surprise surprise it has created happiness. Many years ago I spoke about how I felt our lives are like cars that needed to be kept up and maintained. The 4 tires (Health, Career , Relationships; Spirituality) are what keep the car up and running.

HEALTH:

I have truly never felt so healthy. My numbers have all been amazing. I started to run and I am finding that each day I run I feel amazing. I actually miss running on the days that I don't. I have also started eating better and moving around more. I have no clue what I was afraid of in running and moving.

CAREER:

I would like to say that I am in the career that I love but truthfully that is not true. But I am taking steps to sort through what I want to make my career. I am applying for job where I feel I want to work. I even started writing for the local LQBT about HIV testing. I truly have loved the start of doing this: (http://www.pqmonthly.com/day-life-hiv-tester-hiv-testing-101/16368)

SPIRITUALITY:

For years I have fought myself on what it means to be a spiritual person. I have taken s step back for a while and truly and taking care of myself in regards to be closer to my heavenly father, I am enjoying simple meditations. The truth is that I feel closer and closer to the true soul being that I am every day.

RELATIONSHIPS:

This is the biggest area growth that I have seen in myself. I never thought it possible but I have found the ultimate happiness with the relationships in my life. In regards to my parents and siblings I have found that letting go of certain expectations and being able to let go and speak my own truth has created stronger bonds and the ability to speak more openly with my family.

I have learned the art of true intimacy with my partner. I have learned the importance of the mellow time and the communication. For years I though I knew what I wanted but realize I did so out of normalcy. No longer in my mind are the days that a family has to be parents and 2.5 kids. I feel, at this time, I truly have an amazing family. Having a partner that is supportive, caring, and fun like him makes life so exciting. We have our furry kids and that is enough for now. Who know what the future holds but I have decided to let go of future tripping. I am in love and experiencing the deepest true partnership. I could not imagine anything better.

So when it come right down to it I have realized I was afraid for a long time that if anyone saw behind the mask of who Michael Lee Howard they would not understand me. I felt that I would be rejected and lose the people in my life. I think that changed when I began to cut people and let them go. Toxic people bring nothing to me and I will not allow them to exist here now.

To answer my therapist's question: I am not afraid like before... I am blossoming, letting go, and finding my soul.

Sensory Darkness.....

Sometimes lessons come to us in the most unlikely places,

This past week as I was doing HIV testing I had an 53 year old guy getting tested. It had been a couple years since he had been testing and it had always been with a mouth swab. The organization I work with does not do mouth swabs and instead a finger poke. As is common I asked him to put his hand out and it would be a quick little poke. Well as soon as I went to use the lancet on him he pulled his back as if possessed. I did eventually get the blood draw after about 5 min of this continuing pulling back osf his hand. He laughed after we finally got the draw and he said ... "That did not hurt at all, wow I am so embarrassed"

As we talked he told me how when he was a child he would get draws and the nurses would use what looked like razor blade tips to poke the skin and draw the blood. He had forgotten about it until that moment. Somehow his body had reacted to from some form of sensory memory.

Made me start to think about what other sensory memories are we all carrying with us. What endeavors have I put off for bad memories? Can this apply to the mental parts as well as physical? What about our spiritual side?

I find that sometimes that there is so many blocks inside. As I write this I see that is what I am in therapy for. To get these sensory memories out of me. I just wonder how many memories I have hidden that I have not yet uncovered.

I think about the reasons I am scared to write more, why I do not get up and sing more, why I do not pursue more of myself in photos, music, and the creative projects that I have in my head. What is this sensory that I have pushed down. It is ground so deep into the ground that I sometimes cannot see the light while I am diving down to try and find it.

I do find more of myself everyday... It is like an abyss in front of me that I am piecing together for fear of falling into the darkness. That is why I refuse to believe that I can become bitter and negative. That is admitting that I have lost to the dark in me and the rage has won.

I do believe that even in my concepton that there was a sensory of honest and true love. I was created from that and that it is why I have not lost out to the darkness. Hear that Darkness.... go away ... far away......

Equality & Me....

 
I am never one to be what too much of an activist but I found
myself being compelled to share my thoughts on the current DOMA issue.

For those that do not know DOMA stands for (Defense Of Marriage Act).
DOMA is the current law that restricts federal marriage benefits to
same sex couples.

I feel sometimes in order to voice what I feel I should have facts to
back this up.

DID YOU KNOW: According to the federal government's General Accounting
Office (GAO), more than 1,100 rights and protections are conferred to
U.S. citizens upon marriage. Areas affected include Social Security
benefits, veterans' benefits, health insurance, Medicaid, hospital
visitation, estate taxes, retirement savings, pensions, family leave,
and immigration law.

I do not know at this stage if Jacob and I will ever get married, neither of us are super crazy about a huge ceremony and of course would rather spend the funds just vacationing. Even if marriage was
legal, we as Domestic Partners have a lot of state
rights. federal rights are another thing.

It would be nice to not pay taxes on our insurance; It would be nice
to have the ability to not have a will that states specifically what
each other can or can't do if we get sick or heaven forbid pass away.

I think the idea that Jacob and I after 4 years together would not be
afforded the same luxuries as those that are  together for months or
in some cases days is just a smack in the face. We both pay taxes,
work very hard, budget, shop, are spiritually driven,  and do all the same things any other
couple does. Yet I am not allowed these due to the fact I was born
gay. Yes, I know I was born this way because trust me it would be way
easier legaly to jump the fence and not be this way. Heck I even tried
it for a bit.I know that we all as Americans should be allowed the rights that provide us life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, I just ask that you take that into consideration in any judgments you may have.

Thanks for reading my two seconds of rant... for some further reading
please check out the link below;


 www.glad.org/uploads/docs/publications/cu-vs-marriage.pdf

2013 Bday Song

11 years ago I started a new tradition of picking a "SONG OF THE YEAR" for my birthday. The song is a vision of where i have been and a glimpse into where i am heading ... the past years have been: *Precious Illusions - Alanis Morissette (2002) *Good Enough - Darren Hayes (2003) *Kinda Hard - Eric Himan (2004) *Farewell to The Old Me - Dar Williams (2005) *Whole- Casey Stratton (2006) *Phoenix Rising - Dan Paul (2007) *Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood(2008) *32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco (2009) *Coming Around - Christopher Dallman (2010) *Let The Rain - Sara Bareilles (2011) *Stronger - Kelly Clarkson (2012) This year I have worked on my own personal journey to step into the light and into a place of healing and to find the light I have let be dimmed for way too long... On a recent trip I was listening to the new Tegan & Sara album "HEARTTHROB" and this song was def the feeling I have had all manifested into a 3 min and 51 second song... so this years song is *I'm Not Your Hero - Tegan & Sara (2013) "I'm Not Your Hero" Standing where I am now, standing up at all I was used to feeling like I was never gonna see myself at the finish line Hanging on to parts of me, hanging on at all I was used to seeing no future in my sight line Sometimes it feels like they wanna remind me Send all those villains after me I'm not their hero But that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave I never walked the party line Doesn't mean that I was never afraid I'm not your hero But that doesn't mean w e're not one and the same Feeling like I am now lighting up the hall I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart Learning all I know now, losing all I did I never used to feel like I'd be standing so far ahead Sometimes it feels what I recovered you lost Sending your peaceful loss to me I'm not their hero But that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave I never walked the party line Doesn't mean that I was never afraid I'm not your hero But that doesn't mean we're not one and the same Sometimes it feels like the side that I'm on Plays the toughest hand, holds the longest stand Sometimes it feels like I'm all that they've got It's so hard to know I'm not what they want I'm not their hero But that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave I never walked the party line Doesn't mean that I was never afraid I'm not your hero But that doesn't mean we're not one and the same I do my best to walk the finest line Till I've had all that I can take

The Cracked Truth

THE EGG HAS BEEN CRACKED....

This past few months I have taken a huge time out to work on myself. It started a while back when I started to have some very vivid dreams with many people throughout my life attacking my heart, soul, and confidence.

One person in particular stood out in my mind and I started to realize that there is so much that I have held down and kept choked inside my soul. I know now that what was really happening was a wake up call inside my head.

I started lately to also marvel at the miracle of little things around me... I was thinking today of the projects in myself and how I did not want to have to carry so much baggage as I embark on the last year of my 30's. It is time to work on some things that I have started that I have been too afraid to take on.

The soul is a tender yet vulnerable thing. We are like eggs! Think to yourself about how crazy that something that somehow hold life and is able to incubate life such an egg yet is so tender. Just a small crack and all the yoke from inside could fall and lose everything that it is has held so tender.

I find that I have let too many people get inside my shell and let the cracks begin. I blessed to have the knowledge to reach out and to know that all is not lost.

I am working everyday in baby steps to work with what I know and love to do ... the artistic needs in my head will need to blossom or else risk being dried much like the yolk of an egg.

I also must push away ones that have a negative influence or else nothing positive to add to my life.... it is hard but necessary lest I be pulled into the negative gravity. This is the next stage and I am ready for it...

TIME TO UNCRACK THIS EGG!!!!!