Who are we underneath? I think often about the thoughts we have when we are alone. The moments that we slow down long enough to catch our breaths. I was recently having a conversation about the parts of ourselves we hide from the world. How many of us have thoughts in our head that contradict what we know to be true of ourselves? Do we ever truly know what is underneath a persons head? The traumas, insecurities, struggles, and true self worth?
I have found myself lately suffering from a case of imposter syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent INTERNALIZED fear of being exposed as a "fraud".Despite external evidence of their competence. The key word of course being internalized. I have a history of doubting not being the best to my internal self. Doubting oneself is one thing, in my world I wonder if I deserve the praise I have gotten.
I work very hard and when I am ahead of the game with my workload, a part of me thinks that I have somehow faked my way to being seen successful despite the numbers that prove otherwise. I am about to graduate in a few weeks with my associate degree but a part of men feels like I faked my way through the classes: despite the fact that I am retaining and learning more things that I ever imagined. I am in a healthy relationship but I feel like I am doing enough to give to the marriage despite all the proof to the contrary.
The extreme downside of imposter syndrome is the looming anxiety, depression and stress; all unneeded because of a feat that I will be "found out "to be a fraud. The idea that I will wake up one day and be seen for the person I perceive myself to be underneath. If I feel this way underneath and no-one else sees it ,what do others experience underneath that they never share? How do we rectify these feelings of self doubt?
I know, for myself, that years of therapy help lessen the feelings I have about my self doubt. I have had to really strive and stretch what I find comfortable mentally. It helps to know others suffer from this same condition. For myself, it has been crippling and stopped me from being close to people, going forward with creative endeavors that I enjoy (i.e. this blog that should have been done over a year and. half ago). It is similar to the when you do not call someone for a couple days, it then becomes weeks, which turn into months and then you feel extreme guilt for not staying in contact. Your internal mind creates a dialogue that is inaccurate.
Who are we underneath? What can we do to change our mindset behind the years of programming? Can we unprogram ourselves to see the praise we deserve for the things that we have accomplished? Are we able to be proud of ourselves? Can we move on and succeed where we never knew possible?
Yes we can, it takes patience, time, being good to yourself, and wanting to be better our mental health. It takes breaking out of our mold and knowing it is is ok to be scared. It is also ok to not be ok. Who we are underneath is flexible. We have the ability to change our narrative. We are truly the commander of our ship. We only have to believe that it is true. Whether it be at 20, 40, or even 90.
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