Catch My Breath

Sometimes I find myself needing to catch my breath, I am bad at it though. I have thought myself wrong for so long for being so busy because I thought I was ignoring some inner thing within me.

The truth is, that is not the case at all. I have been blessed, I think about it a lot. The fact that have now lived through 7 years of being HIV+ and am in a good place is no accident. I have worked hard to get where I am at. I have bared my soul and glimpsed the person I am still in process of becoming.

When it comes down to it I love service work, If i could find a way to make my actually work service work I would. I am obviously not there yet, so I will continue to do what I am doing now, writing my experiences, sharing my story, and working towards my goals and share the blessings I have been given.

Sitting down and thinking about it I am still in amazement, 7 years ago I thought my world has crashed and burned and left me laying on the side like road kill (gross but true). Yet I feel I am worth more than ever and ready to pass the blessings on. I have seen so many lose their identities to a disease that has been so stigmatized and worse; been rejected and demoralized.

I know now that the biggest obstacle for me at this time is breathing, I think it is a time for me to catch my breath and balance out what I need and what I desire from my life.

I know that I am ready to bound and let go of my ego a bit and bare my soul, It is a scary idea. The proposition is one that involves some letting go and allowing myself to feel some things I have not felt before.

I will continue to breathe, stop and catch my breathe....

Learning to Receive...

"Today’s all about me,

all about how I’m feeling

Today’s all about me learning how,

how to receive How to receive, "

I started listening to the Newest Alanis album "Havoc and Bright Lights" the day that it came out. Aside from Jagged Little Pill (which I think is brilliant but overplayed at the time) I have purchased every Alanis Morissette the night it came out, It was always something cleansing as she and I are the same age, I felt I related to the stages she was at in her growth.

This one hit me hard as I have noticed a trend lately (ok I admit, most of my adult, ok well whole life) in sacrificing. I have been especially tender as I have watched so many relationships, whether it be romantic or friendships, reach limits and dissolve like a candle. Overused and melted until there is nothing left but the outside shell of beautiful but empty and devoid on the inside.

I began thinking... What was I do for myself though. Lord knows I have so many interests but I find that I base so much of what I do on the reactions from others. Or else I will not do something to avoid receiving the gifts I have inside myself.

That being said I started reaching in me and finding what it all boils down to.... RECEIVING, I am def one to give and care but I never let myself accept the gifts I have for myself. So I said screw it and I have been letting a lot more of myself go. I have to admit is a hard and challenging thing to do on my own terms.

I am thankful for my core of people in my life, I know that I could not be who I am without the love they show me, simple things like letting me be extremely dorky, letting me act like I am 12 years old, or not wanting to fill the air with worthless words.

A funny and odd thing happened that I did not expect, I started to find that I really am a good person. I like the music I listen to, I find that I enjoy the pictures I take, and I have started to share more in regards to my thoughts on religion, politics or general thoughts.

It has made me come to the conclusion that in order to truly be of service to anyone we must first be service to ourselves. Why make excuses for me being who I am... instead I am learning to embrace things like eating slow, having thinned hair, laughing loudest, dancing to music that isn't there, even having an "cup half full" mentality.

I am actually happier with the person that I have am now than I have ever been, whether it be age or just the sheer ability to learn to find something good in what I see around me...I have crossed that bridge to quote another Paula Cole "don't confuse positivity for naivety".

Labeling Me...

"Does it ever get tiring?" Heidi asked out of the blue.

"What?" I asked very confused

"Always being the HIV+, Gay man in every group wherever you go, don't you sometimes just want to be Michael"

"You know now that I think about it ... Yeah it really is a bit tiring but I am ok with it."

That thought has sat in my mind for a while now. It really has been an interesting concept that I have found so very hard to break away from ... Labeling.

When it comes down to it I am a son, brother, partner, hiv+, gay, volunteer, coworker, best friend, thirty-something blue eyed, depressive, future writer, photographer, singer person. I wonder though how much people see of me that goes beyond the labels that I myself have continued to promote in a way.

I am always joking stating I am gay or poz, usually jokingly, but lately it has occurred to me that I am so much more that those types of labels. Jacob and I have spoken on many an occasion about the annoyance in the gay culture how we all label ourselves and of all things after animals (i.e. cubs, bears, wolves, otters, twinks, etc). It has popped up with friends when asked what am I? Just like when I am asked in our relationship am I the "wife or the husband", I always state that I am a man and I am an equal part of a partnership.

After Heidi asked me about the labels I realized I love the well rounded -ness of all the ways I could be labeled, it def shows some experience and the fact that I have lived a full life up to this point ... but I completely know that i am more than one such labels and I am truly the sum of all my parts... in an effort to take back who I am I have changed many of my pages like twitter as well as my blog to be Michael Lee Howard.

The one thing I have learned to accept is that I am Michael Lee Howard and all the labels that are associated with that are part of the whole. It has taken me until this age of my life to see it but I def own it now. I think that was the first step that I needed to move forward to the round in my life that I am embracing now.

So to answer Heidi's question, after much thought, I have to answer.... NO!!! I embrace all the Labels as long as no one forgets that when it comes down to it I am me... Michael Lee Howard.

My Shadows

The moment I met Annie I knew her soul to be different, I could not tell you why or how. I think that it started when I heard her shockingly look across the room at my little pup , Dutchess and exclaim "What is that a miniature cow?" I doubled over laughing. Jacob would have more opportunity to spend with her than me but I thought often about how she was doing. Annie passed away last week and what a sad day that was, I think that there is an Angel that is making GOD laugh with big belly laughs...

I met Noah through LIVEJOURNAL back in the day. He was a well live bohemian with pretty blond hair. He lived in Australia. When I started speaking to him he had just returned from India learning about Buddhism. He had been studying the Dalia Lama's teaching and even was able to meet him. I would stay up late nights chatting with Noah about all the great things in his life, including a baby boy, marriage to his husband, and the struggle he had with his third bout of life draining Cancer. I lost touch over the year but when I finally did find out he passed away I was very sad. Noah had an amazing heart, He gave me a gift one year during a late night talk. The song "Swing Life Away" - by Rise Against ... Sometimes the song comes on and I remember Noah fondly.

My aunt Debbie was a great lady. My mom remarried when I was 17. My step-father's family were very cold to me when I first met them. I have to admit it was prob a bit to take on a ready made family. The one though that never made me feel second rate was Debbie. Debbie had a heart that was beautiful. She constantly wanted to know how I was and how life was going after I came out and beyond. The remaining family would ask and then would turn away as I answered. Debbie started slipping from Cancer many years ago. The one thing I remember was when I was at a family Christmas and Debbie, a shell of the lady I knew, skinny, missing part of her tongue due to the Cancer took time to make everything perfect and we all ignored the pain we knew. Within a couple of years Debbie had passed. Having lost her battle with Cancer but I still swear I see her smiling asking me how I am doing.

I hate that some of GOD's creations were on this life for such a short time. I think about it a lot when I see how happy I am in my life and the blessings that I have. I think about how I never knew Jacob's Dad Alan. I hope he knows how happy Jacob and I are and how sad I am to have never met him.

I think that some people touch our lives in a big way despite being but a shadow of our lives, I have been blessed with many "shadows" in my life. The ones that were not here long enough yet somehow made the largest impact. I actually have a hard time connecting with people these as I get older but the Annie's, Noah's, and Debbie's show me that sometimes there is a purpose that some souls serve and they sadly have achieved their goals and floated away.

Tonight I will be sending a prayer to all my SHADOWS and thanking them for all for teaching me lifetime skills and gifts that I plan to take through to the my next stage of my life.

Still Breathing....

I haven't written in a long time ... I have tried to sit down and figure it out but truthfully I have had a bout of feeling I did not have anything important to say... I lost my voice. I have been searching for what happened to it and why I am still struggling to find it. Truth is that I have been focusing on life and trying to find some inner peace. I have found myself being angry, depressed and a bit on the angst ridden side. I have thought a lot about what triggered this and I think I finally know. Back in the holidays I returned home (as I do yearly). This year though everything was changed. I was wanting to visit my grandparents house and it did not happen, instead I was "treated" to a full half hour visit from my Grandma. I missed my grandpa more than ever this past year as our family seems to be shrinking more and more yearly. I feel that since then something triggered in me.... I am so tired of negative messages: In the past six months I have seen myself build up courage to leave a job that one of my new co-workers and I laughingly call "The Land of The Dementers". But it truly was, I have found that being away from there I see that I was riddled with a lot of negative things thoughts and self image tearing down. NO ONE DESERVES THAT!!!! Then I had a rather uneventful bday and a couple weeks ago I heard that my parents dog Shep passed and I was just angry. I know that it is one more thing that will change when I get home. He lived a good life... honestly probably better than most pups or even children for that matter. Yesterday I read about my great uncle had passed and no one told me... I was angry again. The truth is that from a young age I was told that what I said was unimportant, that I would never amount to anything and that I would grow up to be useless. I started therapy years ago to deal with a lot of these thoughts and some were healed. Lord knows that I could not have found someone so amazing a partner as Jacob if it had not been for the work I did on myself. But the past few months, I think partly to the safe space I am in, I have seen that I am afraid of so much because I feel I can not ever succeed. The crazy part is that I do not hold anyone accountable and I feel I should. Instead I turned so much of it on myself. I find that I halfheartedly put myself into positions of never quite succeeding. So I set a couple goals. One was to accomplish one thing I flt good about that I decided was for me and no one else. I recently became a certified HIV tester, the work was hard and there were moments I did not think I could do it but I am and start my 1st shift on my own tomorrow. Jacob always jokes I could not give up Starbucks but I have now been 3 weeks without a Starbucks. Though I am sure that my work is probably seeing an increase in coffee consumption lol. On Mother's Day my mom told me some flattering things about how important I was to her and I made it into a joke... I thought later.... WHY? ... I sometimes fear Jacob will leave me and find some one with less baggage... The good part is that these moments get less and less as they are replaced by confidence. But it is taking time... I recently started new therapy and I am hoping that it provides me some ways to work through the inner voices... I know that I need to continue to write ... new chapters here I come ...

Reason, Season, Lifetime...

"Dawn Morgan tagged a photo of you on Facebook"... I checked the link and there was a photo from 7 years ago. The picture took me back to a completely different time in my life. Looking at the pic I started to tear up and was not sure why...

This led me into a bit of a mental tailspin... It sent back a flood of memories that I had set back in my mind of what felt like a different life. I wondered why I had held them back and it all hit me. Life then was much more communal that I have felt for a long time.

Back then it was a time filled with friends dropping by, impromptu Barbecues, 4th of Julies, birthday parties, as well a sense that we were all drifting and not alone. I look back and see that we were all very lost but by being lost together we built a life that was so engaging, as well as interactive.

Dawn and I would wax poetically about the art of movies, both of us analyzing each scene, what music was worth introducing each other to, talking of goals and dreams and where we envisioned our lives. Ro, Dawn and I would do almost everything together holidays, movies, dinners, cooking. We even went to Disneyworld together to see our friend Eric Himan perform at Gay Days.

Throughout the time living on 15th in Seattle, WA we would have Christmas events, Barbecues, potlucks, etc with a wide array of friends. A majority of the people we would connect with was through the early days of LiveJournal. Something about the cathartic nature of venting or taking quizzes connected with every aspect of our personal lives opened us up to knowing each other intimately (or so we thought). The days of MySpace and Facebook were still years away.

In 2005 a lot changed for me. It started when Dawn announced that she would be taking some time to move back home to Florida. He dreams of being a filmmaker had dried up in Seattle and it was time to make some changes. Within a month Ro and I had concluded that we did, and had, for a long time made better friends that we had as lovers.

This led “the group” to slowly making changes, in the past 6 years my closest friend and musical partner Ducky embraced the gym/leather community and even though trying to reconnect I was never able to recapture the special moments we had when making music, Chrispy and Tom moved into their own place and lost touch, Chris and Justin broke up and got back together so many times before ending it and all that was seen of them was the random club sightings; Jen and Erin were married and divorced, Jen is still looking for a soul mate while Erin is now a mom. The others I have bumped into along the way of life and social networking. Though most are not in my life anymore.

Ro and I stayed friends and lived together for a while until he changed and ended years of sobriety and descended into the world of drugs/alcohol for a time. I hear he is now settled and now in NM with his partner.

Dawn moved for a while to Washington, D.C. then returned to Fl. She was married and now divorced and single. She continues to search her self and her soul but the distance has been rough for us.

Later that same year I was diagnosed with HIV and it seems for a short time I found my niche with the HIV community in Seattle. That lasted for a short time until I started therapy and started working on my internal struggles.

I have not yet been able to find a sense of community that was anything like I had at that stage of my life, but I feel more complete internally. I would be lying if I said that I do not miss having a house full of people to spend with at holidays, It was warm. Now I am more content with my family and my partner’s family. I do not feel I have found my exact community or where I really fit in yet.

Truth be told that as we get older things change. It is not easy but as people change and come and go we get the chance to experience new life and new adventures.

I am off to mine…