6 years and counting ...

It is like a birthday of sorts...

The day I was diagnosed sits in my mind and pops in from time to time.

This past year I stepped up to put myself out on the front lines but I do spend time reflecting on my status and what that means to me and how it has changed my life.

This past year I had the honor to be feature in the CNN article, Start volunteering with the local HIV/AIDS organization CAP, I got to walk in the PORTLAND AIDS WALK, and got to watch as my partner started to come into his own acceptance and disclosure.

As I approach my 6th POZIVERSARY I plan to continue to work on the things that mean a lot to me. I want to continue to combat the ideas that surround HIV stigma and misconceptions. I find it ridiculous that 30 years after the start of the HIV epidemic, so many people ask and judge how you got it. As if the act is worse than the actually disease, yet no one ever questions why anyone would have Heart Disease, Diabetes, or Cancer.

I have decided that this year I will continue work on myself and the things that I personally want to accomplish with my writing, music, and photography. I will challenge myself to keep striving to be more authentic. I will also work at the things that I want to do such as baking, more dog obedience and working on our home.

I will also continue to work at showing that you can be healthy, happy and live a full and complete life, even with HIV. I will show that nothing will slow me down whether I am in my thirties or not. I feel that my life is still just beginning and I am humbled by the experiences that I have had this previous year.

Here is to health, happiness and the future of another year living anew...

Depression .. Up from the ground..

After meeting my paternal birth family I realized that depression has ruled my life for years straight from my genetics. I truthfully hate it so much. I hate feeling hopeless and feeling as if I have no control over what I am feeling. The darkness just envelopes me and I it seems the last few years the meds do not help and either does all the positive thinking.

I feel that we live in a very serious time where depression is known about but not taken seriously enough still. It can be so debilitating and life affecting. It can also cause so many so many other health concerns.

I decided on my way to work to think about something positive ... I have plenty to draw from so I am hoping this can be my focus when the times are seeming rough:

I am grateful for:

My partner Jacob, he never ceases to amazing me with his heart and his soul that is so open and protective. He lets me be ME warts and all. He brightens my life every day.

My friends, in particular Brandon, Joey, and Lacey... They have shown me so much about what true friendship is. They allow me to express myself and yet never let me get away with making stupid choices.

My "KIDS": Every day I watch Taffy, and Dutchess and our kitties just show pure unadulterated love. They just want to be comforted or cuddled up to.

My family, I have been blessed with some people in my family that truly shine. I get very frustrated feeling like an outsider with them but they truly help love me.

My creative self: I am thankful for the gift to take pictures and share my vision, music that brightens my life, and words that come from me and teach me to grow.

My community: I have been so touched that I get to share my heart and soul and be a part of POZIAM, CAP, and the communities that I participate in regularly. Through the community I have been allowed to express who I am and grow and become inspired by stories and the people.

I am a blessed person, this is why it feels silly to be depressed but my body obviously does not agree with me. I know I am not alone with my depression but I will continue to work through it by continuing to be grateful.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/aphoenixrising

Sunflowers....

Balance and love... They can exist ... I have long abandoned the general writings of what did I do today or this weekend or any other general life stuff. But this past weekend was so amazing ... and I think not many recognized the beauty of it all like I did.

I felt a blooming!!!!!!!

This weekend was the PORTLAND AIDSWALK. This was my 4th walk. 2 in Seattle and 2 in Portland. It was my second with my partner. This year felt fresh and clean ... anew. Last year I felt a heaviness that I can not really explain.

I believe part of it is how I am very open about my status. I view my getting HIV as the catalyst for me to focus my energy outside of me (in a health way). I took the challenge and decided to grow and nurture some good from it. If it had not been for HIV I would not have met my partner, had my amazing pets, been the man I am now.

My partner on the other hand has struggled with his status. It is not something he has ever been "out and about" with. Then he met me. Poor guy did not know what he was getting into. Then this past summer I did the CNN article. We both did not expect that it was going to be all over the news locally and everyone would know about it.

I feel bad that the price that came with my openness was Jacob having to open himself up and talk about something he was not ready to. He though has become a man that I admire and love even more with his honest heart he exposed himself to a part of who he is.

I on the other hand have always suffered a bit from fear of what I would say and discuss would embarrass my family. I find I watch myself thinking all my thoughts first in case something I say offends my Mom or my brothers. So when my mom said she would walk with us I was so excited and scared... what if i said something and offended her? What if I exposed her to something she was not ready for? What if she freaked out seeing me in a comfortable environment.

Well as these things are; I got to see both Jacob and my mom embrace so much of life this past weekend:

The moment that to me exemplifies so much of a moment to me is when they asked people who were HIV+ to walk to front of the stage and Jacob grabbed my hand. In that moment Jacob become one of the bravest people in my world. The personal courage it took to be able to embrace that has been such a journey for him.

We walked and I took a back seat and observed watching my mom have fun and hanging with so many new people... she even asked if next time she come to Portland if she could see a drag show. (insert eyes popping out of my head). She even wanted me to "take pictures of unique people to put on Facebook for my conservative friends to see".

I could not have seen two people I love more embracing who they are. I feel as if my emotions would jump and my heart would melt. I think as I have grown I have been blessed to see others grow.

There was a peace that came over me, a sense that I finally was in the perfect place at the perfect time... I know now that fall is upon us that I am exactly where I need to be and ready to work on following the examples of those closest to me.

I am loved, I feel loved, I feel connected and blessed....

Dixie Cups

I think that we are all in some way, shape, or form looking for where we need to be loved.

For years I thought that I was missing love and thought searching for the right person to be my right hand man would be the way to fix it. Unfortunately my finder was broken for many years. After much "heartbreak" I walked away from the world of deep meaning relationships and sunk deep into therapy.

Many years later I feel like I have found the man I am destined to be with and in a healthy way. I do not crave something from him but I felt an odd nagging in my bones. I dug deep and found it was family love that I was craving.

The truth is I know that due my past I have a lot of abandonment issues and they will most likely never fully go away completely.
Fast forward to last I tried to nurture a relationship with my Step-sister after a long distance that started when I was diagnosed HIV+. I blamed myself for years over ending our relationship but when it came time to re-invest I was thrilled.

I explained to my sister that I do not want to have a relationship that that was seemingly forwardly mobile and then get dropped. This seemed to happen often with the oldest of my 3 younger brothers. She assured me it would not and even went as far as to tell me that I would be the most amazing uncle to her baby she would be having within a few months later.

I was so excited when in Jan my niece was born and trying to arrange time to see them and heard nothing back. I sent a gift and to this day I have heard nothing. I beat myself up again.

I think we try so hard to build love and nurture and when not reciprocated most of feel defeated. I think that is why we crave love especially from our parents and the ones we care for the most.

Last week I had one of the largest A-HA moments of my entire life. I was listening to Dr. Laura Berman on OprahXM and she was talking to a caller who's dad was trying to etch a new place in her life and the caller was just not sure how to react and said that until she could have the apology from her father she could not be friends with him.

Dr. Berman spoke about how we all have so much love to give and that she believes most people do all they can to share all the love they have. BUT....( yes always that but in there.)She pointed out that some people only have a Dixie cup to fill while others of us have a BIG GULP.

HOLY COW!!!

This spoke so much to my soul. I thought of my mom who has struggled so much to build a relationship with her mom and after losing her father has struggled with this exact issue. My grandpa has one of those 920z big gulp of love to fill. Unfortunately, my grandma was given only a Dixie cup. It makes me sad to think of that.

I truly think we are all born with a Big Gulp and I think as we grow our experiences can nurture that cup or it can spill. It was in that moment I started to see that I have been spending so much of my time being surrounded by so many Dixie cups.
I NEED... not want... NEED to have the large cupped people in my life. The one lesson I still work through is being able to accept each person's cup and how it is not me to fix their capacity.
I think that it is time to grab my BIG GULP and run with it and let it spill and continue to stay full.

AIDS Walk Portland: Come and make a donation toward our team's fundraising efforts.

AIDS Walk Portland: Come and make a donation toward our team's fundraising efforts.

Taffy Blessings...

"Do you want to meet taffy or is it a bad idea?" 15:02 Aug 8



These words make me smile, tear up, feel moved in so many ways. This was the text message Jacob sent me after finishing up an appointment.



I was not sure how serious he was when he pointed out taffy the little terrier on a craigslist ad. For the past year or so Jacob has been sending me lists of dogs at the humane society, on craigslist, or other pet sites. I honestly did not know if he was serious.



I could not picture that we had room, time or even enough energy to add another little one to our brood. Being the pet lover's we both are I wanted to ensure that we could provide the ultimate amount of love.



Well after many pictures I replied to Jacob "No. Sounds cool" to which he replied "LOL. Oh boy." After meeting her we knew in our heart that there would be no way we would be leaving without her sweet demeanor and her sweet brown eyes. She probably used a spell on us (that is right too much true blood).



The right home was dreaming as we started to talk about the ways to get her fixed and acclimated to our home. Upon getting to Petsmart to get a new leash and harness BOOM!!!! It all changed.



Long story short we ended up chasing our new child through a parking lot and through heavy traffic that ended up with her being hit by two cars. After a week of back and forth vets we found that she has a fracture in her hip. We are now having her heal as best as we can to hopefully avoid surgery.



The one thing that I can truly say is that I am so very much in love with our new "child". I have seen the most amazing side of my partner through this too. I used to think that I was with a man to liked animals and had a deep heart for them. But his compassion for this little girl has made me fall even deeper in love with him. He has a heart of gold that is just so open.



I feel so lucky to add this little angel to our life. She fits in with our family very will and shows me that I was wrong. I think we needed to have her in our life. The outpouring from family and friends on behalf of a cute little Maltese Terrier, some have not even met yet, is just too much to fathom. The prayers and good energy sent to our family have been being answered and we feel them all.



I am so moved by our new little one and I truly feel blessed to have the family I have always dreamt about.

Transparent....

Sometimes breaking yourself open and exposing yourself has a freeing quality to itself.



I have spent the better part of my life so scared to look at and even accept the past that I have was painful and traumatic. There is a part of me that tends to still think about how I could have changed the pain.



The truth is I am not a perfect human being but a few weeks ago in the moment of self reflection (Oddly this usually happens in one of two places: The shower-- I blame it on being made clean and you are so vulnerable and when I am on the MAX (Portland’s Light rail system). I was hit with the idea that maybe it was just time to just own it.



Since then I have been feeling as if each moment should not be taken granted of, each relationship reflected upon, and my soul being nurtured. My partner likes to joke "when will your inner child just shut up". I sometimes feel as if being open and honest is the only true way to live.



I have mad e conscience decision at this stage of my life to live more transparent than I have in the past. I watch people I know that live the opposite. I watch my brother who is less than three years younger than me choose to run away from the past. He chooses to see the past as something that does not really exist anymore so it is irrelevant.



I personally feel that he is doing a disservice to not only his son and his wife (who constantly is trying to nap snippets of who he is with me) but the biggest disservice is to himself. If you cannot own your past and accept what made you who you are how can you truly grow and become your authentic self?



The best compliment that my partner has repeatedly told me is that he is proud of whom I am and proud of the person I stand for. He knows that I am just me and you know if that means dancing in a grocery store, talking too much or exposing myself and my tattoos on a national news network he trusts that what I am doing is the right decision.



I think what I am most proud of, at this stage, is that I am able to be my authentic self and to be able to remain transparent in a world that I feel is all to many times trying to put on a face and front in order to cover who they are. At this point in my life I feel I have nothing to lose.

CNN Article on HIV and Tattoo's

I was privileged and honored to be interviewed and got to share my HIV story as well as the story of my Tattoo's.

You can see this here:
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/08/10/hiv.tattoos/index.html

AIDS Walk Portland: Come and make a donation toward Michael Howard`'s fundraising efforts.

AIDS Walk Portland: Come and make a donation toward Michael Howard`'s fundraising efforts.

my "love letter"...

I do not believe in coincidences. I DO believe that a lot of things happen for a reason and with a lesson that we can choose to gain from if we open ourselves up for the universe to see.

There have been many strange occurrences lately that seem to be speaking to me. In the media I have seen many things end. 1st there was my fave show Smallville where I learned we all have a bit of hero in ourselves, Brothers and Sisters ended with a sense of family, after 25 years I watched someone I admire for her heart and spirit end her run as a TV hostess. Watching Oprah end her show was like watching the end of an era.

"I hope what you will take from this show is to live from the heart of yourself,"- Oprah Winfrey

These words resound in my soul very deeply. I do not think it is chance that I started to disconnect a bit from the social network world at this stage in my life. I am finding solace in my own heart and soul. I am learning to take a breath and enjoy the little moments.

I agree with Oprah that we all have a calling and sometimes we may need to find it. I am learning that one of my calling is to be a support to the people in my life, to be someone that can be turned to and to be a friend.

I know that I have a gift in my ability to write and use words. I am still fine tuning my ability to speak from my heart open and honestly. I am starting to learn to listen to the whisper I hear. A whisper, that tells me that I have a calling to do more than what I am now. I know that I am on the right path.

The truth that I know is that all good things stem from love. I have joked about it before but the truth is my birth parents were peace loving hippies that wanted a "symbol of their love". They tried to have a child, as that symbol, at some point I arrived. I was born of love!!! That is so awesome. That is powerful no matter how you look at it. It is something to be remembered when my days feel bleak and stark.

I do not think that it is by shear dumb luck that I have been given the challenges that I have had or will have in the future. I do not look at all the bad things in my life as bad things that I was a victim to. I try to see that there is a purpose and, though I do not know yet the full capacity, I know that I am on this earth to help heal people.

I know that I have not survived abuse, abandonment, depression, HIV, heartache and my fair share of loss unless there was a reason for it. I am also realistic in knowing that I will not wake up one day and all the parts my internal workings physically, mentally, or spiritually will be perfect but I do know that I am healing more and more every day.

I used to vision what my future would be like. I have more than I ever could have even have imagined. Oprah's final show was a "love letter" to all the people who supported her. I have decided that I will start my own "love letter" in my soul and work to share it.

This is what the whisper is saying inside me and what will lead me to my calling.

the flux of a cocoon...

Flux... The word flux comes from Latin: fluxus means "flow", and fluere is "to flow"

That is a word I understand. I feel as if one thing that is constant in my life has been a certain flow that has existed since the day I was brought into this world. One life changing event to another flow like over and over.
Lately I feel that there is a new flux happening in my world. It is not so much a change in terms of anything major but a mental state that I never had before. It is a bit clarity and change of consciousness.
It started with a bit of, letting go, of the cyber world. No more texts from twitter, less time on Facebook. I am working towards calling or at least texting people more often. Trying harder to keep connected to the real world.
The scary part was, in reaching out there came a point that I started to let go of some people. I realized that there are many people who would rather live online and in a reality far from the reaches of human contact.
There have also been many new connections and popping my head and I feel that I have finally let the brick wall down that I had up for year and years. I think a big part of this is due to the nurturing and caring that has been in my life. I am starting to see what true love and caring are by my definitions.
The brick wall has now been replaced by a cocoon...
I feel like I have wrapped myself up and finishing putting myself together. Unlike the brick wall that I had around me for so long the cocoon is a bit more fragile, but it is not built to protect but more to nurture myself. Hold myself in place while I continue to grow into what I should.
I have had this overwhelming sense that this cocoon will continue to heal me in many ways to prepare of this chapter of my life I am currently on. I have so much support and I am learning to ride out my feelings. My partner helps me everyday realize that I am so blessed. I feel that I am learning to enjoy the simple moments and not take so many things for granted. Sometimes, just seeing dutchess playing or the cats cuddling can make a whole day better. A simple I love you can make my day seem brighter.
I am so thankful for everyone in my life who is here and able to just let me grow every day.

My Fractured Mind...

There are times I just hate being a grown up. I have been thinking a lot about dreams. I feel so blessed in my life and wouldn't trade it for the entire world.

I was watching the band SUGARLAND on a video today. I watched as lead singer Jennifer Nettles moved around the stage and gave her all vocally. All I could think is why can't that be me? I know I could do that and much more.

I was in three musical projects in my High School aside from being Theater and Choir. Straight out of high school I started a musical project that last the next 5 years that produced in all about 50+ songs. I was in a commercial and acted in theater productions and wrote so much that my hand hurt most days through my 20's.

I spent every moment memorizing stylish approaches, every little vocal hiccup, growl, movement of all my favorite vocalists. I took three years of voice lessons.

But then something happened. I became a grown up. I started to work, and take care of my priorities. I had debt (well still do just less). It is just odd when you see a dream that is fit to your form and you just do not know how to make it happen.

When I moved to Seattle almost a decade ago I started to put ads out to find a musical project. I have worked with multiple small projects but not enough to count as anything substantial mostly get my creative juices going and then moved on.

I have not been able to find anything more permanent though and I just wonder when someone just says enough is enough.

I know what sparked this is that the show "X FACTOR" is coming to Seattle and I thought "oh yeah I will go audition". Well it is on a Tuesday and getting the time off is a near impossibility plus if I did get further than Seattle what about my job. It is so hard to find one in this market and I can't do that to my partner and the life we have created.

Not being able to do more creatively has left me with this one puzzle piece in me missing and it cuts a bit. Makes me feel a bit fragmented. Especially when I see people doing what I love and I want to jump on the stage and perform with them. I just feel sometimes like my guitar and my keyboard is almost too heavy to lift with thoughts of "what's the point".

I am just not sure how to rectify this at all. I wish I knew the answer. I know that I have been writing more. I wonder if that is my direction I am meant to go in or if I am fooling myself.

This is my brain now. I know I will get it figured out. I assume this is what they mean partially by being a struggling artist.

I wonder.

Authentic Scar

What is Authenticity of the soul and heart?

What makes us tick and be who we are deep in the surface in our core?

Authentic self refers to our genuine person; who we really are at the very core of our being.
I have been swimming in thoughts lately about what it means to be authentic and not ashamed of who you are and know that it is good enough for the people that you associate with all around

Like most people I have a fear of rejection but found as an adult this manifested itself in a fear of having no friends and so I tried to hold onto every person that I could.

I tried hard to fit into many different crowds and many different "types" and tell the right jokes, have the right look. It is sad I look back and I see all that I really did was open myself up to be molded into what others wanted me to be.

There is a song by Missy Higgins called "Scar":

"So the next one came with a bag of treats,
She smelled like sugar and spoke like the sea
She told me don't, trust them trust me.
Then she pulled at my stitches one by one,
Looked at my insides clicking her tongue,

And said "This will all have to come undone".

A triangle trying to squeeze through a circle,
She tried to blunt me so I'd fit."

That is how I felt. I was being blunted. Sometimes down to the music I listened to or the clothes I wore. In some cases even the color or style of my hair.

Well just as life has grown and my hair is less than it was as is my feeling of losing friends I am starting to see that the true ones let me be me. I am thankful for that. The people who truly know me know that I will dance to Gaga, yet rock out to Def Leppard, followed by a little Tiffany to bring my pop self back in order.

The true people in my life know that in order to be authentic I am sometimes like a 10 year old child who laughs at stupid jokes and loves to giggle for no reason when hanging out.

I think that is what I am beginning to treasure more than anything. Authenticity. I know now that I am just me and that if anyone expects me to be more than I can’t accommodate them.

I am thankful that I have more people in my life like that and I feel as I am starting to let more people go who don't get that part of me. The truth is I may not seem like a serious person but I really do take a lot of things serious.

I don't mind anymore to have these mental scars as long as I get to be myself and stay true to my heart and my vision. I am starting to love who my uniqueness and my true authenticity. It is really what makes me.

"I think I realized just in time,
about my old self was hard to find.
You can bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine.
'Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that
I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys,
Tell me, did you think we'd all dream the same?

And doesn't that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit too close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver;
the way things could have gone?
And doesn't it feel peculiar
that everyone wants a little more?
so that I do remember to never go that far,
Could you leave me with a scar?"

2011 Song Year Pick

Nine years ago I started a new tradition of picking a "SONG OF THE YEAR" for my birthday. The song is a vision of where i have been and a glimpse into where i am heading ... the past years have been :

*Precious Illusions - Alanis Morissette (2002)
*Good Enough - Darren Hayes (2003)
*Kinda Hard - Eric Himan (2004)
*Farewell to The Old Me - Dar Williams (2005)
*Whole- Casey Stratton (2006)
*Phoenix Rising - Dan Paul (2007)
*Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood(2008)
*32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco (2009)
*Coming Around - Christopher Dallman (2010)


As I look over the list I see songs that have truly moved me and touched my life and I can listen and smile knowning where I was. This year I am choosing another song that has really hit me hard and I am so excited by. This song is a true example of where I am at creatively, emotionally and collectively in my life right now.

I am toasting to another amazing year!!!

*Let The Rain - Sara Barielles (2011)

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I'd make it behave

And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

Let the rain..

Wow 6 weeks without a blog is the longest I have ever gone without a blogging in some time. How remiss of me.

I have just been swimming... That is right swimming in a sea of my thoughts and many things that are in my head. It has been a year almost to the day that I moved to Portland. It is crazy to think that much time has passed.

I have reflected a lot recently on what it is in my life I am aiming for in my development not only as a person but as a friend, advocate, artists, and all around soul. I have been thinking I am depressed but I truly do not believe that is what I am going through. I think a better world is transforming.

I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on friends as of late. The truth is that my list of true friends is growing smaller all the time. I predict that happens as we all get older. I have learned that as I get older my filter of what is and is not a good friendship has changed and skewed. I am worn from feeling of my life being less important than ones I interact with on a regular basis.

I have also learned I am holding something back ... a damn that is holding back a flood of emotion that is welling and when it spills I am so afraid what it will lead to and how it will all spill out. I think that is truly the reason I haven't been writing.

I find now that I am letting go of the people who sucked the energy dry from me the emotions are slowly bubbling to the surface. Throughout the resurfacing I have been having creative visions that are more pure and clear than I have ever imagined. I know that if i hermit myself away from the negative energy that is drawn to me and resolve to find peace within myself I will burst.

I am devoting more time in the next few months to something Jacob and I are both committed to: Our Mind, Body, and Soul. I feel we are a good pair and it is so amazing that we are both on the same page and have the same goals. I just know that at this stage in my life I feel destined for something so much more than I am now.

I know this... I feel this...