2009-- My year of acceptance

It’s that time to reflect open and honestly about the end of the year... I usually look at my birthday and try and see what the year brought, but this year a gentle reflection on the end of 2009 is definitely in store.

2009 become a huge a year of ACCEPTANCE for me:

I ended a very intense year of therapy this year, I know that the time will come when I will need it more again. But I learned so much before I decided to take a need break.

The first thing I learned to accept was that I am worthy person. The truth is that I have spent the better part of my life being surrounded by people that pushed their insecurities onto me and taught me that I was worthless. It was a safe place for me, it meant never looking inside and seeing the truth that I was worth more than that.

I learned to accept that I have limits. I was so volunteer crazy, once again as a way to hide the insecurities deep rooted in me. I decided to step back and find myself and let some things go in order to not be the volunteer crazy man and pick which organizations I am willing to give my time to.

My largest ACCEPTANCE was of my HIV status. It took about 3.5 years for it to finally set in. When I was diagnosed I went straight into support groups, doctors, volunteering, writing, coping, meds, and a lot of soul searching. I hated myself for a long time. I hated that I was stupid enough to get this VIRUS. I hated what it did to my soul and my heart.

Something happened this year while i was facilitating the newly diagnosed support group I ran for the past two years. The group was talking on a day after a particularly intense therapy session of my own. I was finally ok with the fact that I had HIV. It sounded so funny with how outspoken I had been but I don't think I had truly accepted that I was going to be ok and live a long life and be able to be content with it.

A funny thing happens when you learn to ACCEPT that you are worthy of good things and that you are a good person and be content. I found a peace unlike anything I had known before in my life. I truly saw the world differently and wanted to make a mark to bring good things to the world.

The other crazy thing that happened was meeting the man I am so in love with. It is a powerful and strength binding love. It is so pure and wonderful. Jacob (the BF) told me that even since he has met me I have gained so much confidence. I am finding that he doesn’t allow me to step into those old habits of thinking I am not worth anything. Though I now find that if anyone makes me feel that way it is time to push them away.

Goodbye 2009 you will be missed but it means that I am approaching 2010 with greater strength than I did in 2009. I am truly blessed and looking forward to this great adventure.

2009-- Renewal

The end of December is always a fun time in the year and as with many people it is a time for reflection and change. A time to see what the year has brought and what the next year will be consisting of.

I think if i was to sum up the year in one word it would be impossible... healing, loving, nurturing, confident!!!

I feel that 2009, for me, will be remembered as the year I came into my own and found my voice. I feel as if it is the ramp up to the great year that 2010 will be.

Entering 2009 i was very trepidatious about what will happen and feeling very lost. As the year started a few days into the year I spent a number of days in Spokane with my family and realized that as grown children my family is so amazing and blessed to have the ties we have held onto. That trip started something that I never expected: the healing.

The year continued down the path of me exploring my individuality as well as the friendships and bonds that I have decided to nurture. I grew closer to some and I let others drift away that were not bringing me strength but instead sucked me dry.

I felt as if i was going to give up writing, music, photography and all the things I loved artistically .. simply to explore and live life and not to work to BE something but get to know myself. My strengths and my weaknesses. This included a lot of letting go of the past and a lot of soul searching. I was so happy with who I was becoming and very content with my solitude.

That is when the year took a strange beautiful turn. A friend that I had been talking to became what would be the greatest lover, friend, and soul mate I could have ever asked for. Fate has a way of doing that. Jacob has taught me about myself. He lets me be the man that I know that I am. He gets me and my sense of humour. I think one of my favorite things that he said to me aside from the obvious romantic and heartfelt words is when he looked at me and said " I'm proud to be your boyfriend and I have seen you gain so much confidence since I have known you" I agree with him looking at the year as whole.

The year did bring some loss. First it was losing Jacob's dad very sad and unexpectedly. I know that we were meant to meet when we did. I am thankful I was there to help Jacob and to do any little thing I could. I appreciated what he and I both have as far as families and each other. We were strengthened.

As always there is a balance and I ended up in Sante Fe and the other side of my family. In the midst of of a family reunion/wedding I found out more about myself and my strengths. There is so much love in the world and sometimes it is worth taking a risk. My family showed me more of that and it was a treasure to get to know the lives of my relatives as an adult and the ability to look back and see the world in a different light.

Then the loss of my Grandpa... I know this one will take a while to heal from ... once again with Jacob I approached this loss with a renewed sense of self and strength. I found that I have an amazing and supportive man in my life. I have amazing friends and a very strong family.

In this year of so much loss and happiness... the only thing I originally chose to not do (the artist endeavours) kinda backfired. I found that I am loving photography more than I ever dreamt. Definitely felt with the encouragement of Jacob, Family and Friends. I have been craving more musical release and definitely am ready to write more ... the words want to flow and the cork is about to pop...

I am so so thankful to be alive and despite the rough health stuff I have also endured this year it all seems so minor when I look at the big picture and see that my year has been filled with love, heartache., and hope .. yet also a renewal and reminder the man I have been and who I am now. I really like who I am and am proud to be where I am at this stage of my life. I am definitely ready for the next chapter.

Passing Through

I have been taking a bit of a vacation from posting... I was writing a whole bunch and then my life took a little twist...

On November 17th I got a call from my brothers GF telling me that my Grandpa passed away... I was in such shock and the only think I knew to do was directly get onto a plane and go home to Spokane, WA. Arriving there was such a shock in my system not knowing what to do or what to say.

It kicked my brain into gear about thinking about life and what it means and what my purpose was... I have tried to write lately and everything comes out sounds like drudgery shit... I have definitely been thinking about the year and all it has entailed ... a year ago who would have guessed I would have had such an odd year...

My Grandpa passed leaving such legacy behind in my life... When I was 5 years old my Mom and grandparents entered my life. The man that raised me wasn't one for nurturing or for even showing much in the way of love. My Grandpa Roland Edward Moen was on the other end of the spectrum. He was a man with a heart that I admired ...

I would spend summers with my Grandparents house... getting mad to just have to go home. My Grandpa would let me follow him around and be his shadow with no complaining. On the contrary my GP made his grandchildren the center of his world. That wasnt an easy task seeing that my brother aaron and I were not his biological Grandkids yet somehow he never treated us as so.

As a boy I remember thinking how I loved how my GP thought and how I admired his sensitivity. I always looked to staying up til 9.15pm. He was a used car salesman and he would get off work at 9 and get home at 9.15. We would talk about cars and our day. GP would always grab a box of Zweiback. (Children teething cookies) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zwieback. He would put butter on them and then a glass of milk... it was our routine and I loved it ... sometimes we would put some skippers creamy peanut butter on them.

I remember one night of watching Dr. Who and grandpa and I eating Bugles. Well I went a bit crazy and ate the whole box. I woke up vomiting all over the bed and GP. He just got up changed the bedding and his clothes and told me it was all ok and we went back to bed.

My GP taught me about boats, cars, yardworking, gardening, cleanliness (he always said to wipe his shower after use so that it didnt get the water spots) LOL ... He even taught me how to shave. The day of my GP's open house I had to shave and was in the actually bathroom that he showed me how to shave... That is when i finally lost it.

My GP had so much life and even though he was 84 he was still active. In september of this year my GM and GP celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. I brought Jacob with me. We sat down and my grandpa offered to get Jacob coffee ... at his own anniversary party LOL!!! I am thankful Jacob got to meet my GP.

My GP was certainly my hero. My MoM and I had a lot of time to talk and she agreed that her life was so much better for my GP being in it. I am thankful that he went from an instant heart attack ... knowing he didnt suffer was good but it opened my eyes. Life is short.

This year i have expereienced one of the best things ever ... Meeting my Jacob... he is an amazing man that I click with on every level and I think we came into each others lives for a reason. Earlier this year he lost his Father in a similar way as my GP. It was instant and yet the pain is so hard to even grasp. We both have grown stronger knowing that we are stronger cause we have our strengths to lean on.

I still think daily about my GP and the many things he brought to my life. I hope everyone gets a chance to know a man like him. The last time I saw my GP he was very adament that Jacob and I stop by and get cookies from him. I remember thinking how I thought it odd he was so wanting us to come and see him. I think something in him knew time was precious. I am so glad i got to have that chance to visit with him.

It has definitly brought it to my mind what muy goals and dreams are and what I want to accomplish but I dont know anymore... I figured I would have life more planned by this time. I feel like I am more lost now... i want to go see my GP and talk to him about it but he isnt there... I hate that... I want to be the singer/songwriter that my GP told me he was proud of... I want to be a writer... I want to be a father and a husband...

My GP came to every event in my life... the boring (and bad) plays, cello performances, talent shows, graduations, every event there was to attend my GP was there ... he taught me so much and I feel that I am a part of who I am because of his love.

I think 2009 has been the year of becoming becoming who I am and finding peace ... 2010 is the year for me to take my skills and talent and get them out in the world... time to buckle down and finish the things I have started on my journey... I plan to have many completed projects by years end of 2010.

I am thankful for the the poeple in my life and how many have passed through in some form or another... I am most thankful for Jacob who has been my sanity this past year... he is dreamy and a true gem and inspiration ...

What is LOVE?

LOVE---



Just the word alone evokes so many images, thoughts, ideas, and feelings within us. It could be a good feeling or a reminder that you were slighted once. maybe a heart is broken and you worry it will never heal. The eternal question seems to remain though.



WHAT IS LOVE?



Songs are written on the subject, movies made, books written and no one still seems to know the answer. Is it cut and dry? or is it so personal that there isnt a worldly answer? Is it possible to not ever LOVE, can you LOVE too much?



The subject has been on my mind alot lately. See I have fallen in LOVE harder and deeper than I ever imagined. How did I get to this place? I am not sure the answer can be wrapped up in a tight and simple bow. It is more of a journey that continues every day.



LOVE began for me pre-conception. I have been told that my bio-parents were some pretty fun loving hippies. They met, fell in LOVE and wanted a "SYMBOL of their LOVE" for one another. They tried and tried to make it happen and eventually it did. I found it amazing that I was concieved with the power of true LOVE. From the stories I have heard my bio-mom and my Father were so madly in LOVE. They had the kind of LOVE that people admired and wanted themselves. I think this was the first stage to wanting to have that kind of LOVE. To start out life with so much LOVE I think can change you for the better.





My paternal grandfather said that I was loved so much and adored by my parents but sadly when my father passed it changed so many things. My bio-Mom was heartbroken and started a self destructive path. From that moment on I yearned and searched to be loved and wanted. The loss was massive and yet I was only 1-1/2 years old. The recovery would take years.



I thought that the best way to be loved was to sacrifice of myself. I craved touched, to be held and loved in a way I think every child desires. My step father adopted me and he struggled to show love. It was very evident that he lacked self LOVE and the ability to truly LOVE. To this day he lacks the skills in basic LOVE. We existed and the LOVE enetered our world. My mom, the lady that I at least call my MOM, enetered my life.



We struggled in our house much like any family does... we had addictions, financial instabilities, emotional trauma, all the things that we all have that build "character". Funny that during those early days of my life we never used the word LOVE vebally. There was a definate tyoe of love but that self-hate entered and it destroyed the safe place that we had as family.



Looking at those times I think it was apparent that there was a certain amount of co-dependancy that existed. My mom though took us to a safe place and worked to center our life in LOVE. But still the words were not spoken. Unfortunately I ended up forced back to live with my step-dad and the self hatred he instilled onto others. The only LOVE I was showned in those teenage years was alcohol, physical, amd mental violence. I tried to escape it didnt work.

I sought love within my freinds and the poeple around me. Fast forward to 18 and that is when I met Shawna. She was an amazing freind and a great soul. I had felt up to that point the only way to find love is to fall into the norms of society and deny the innermost voice telling me I was wrong and dirty. I conformed and it was all torn to shreds.

Ironically it was about 11 years ago almost to the day I heard about Matthew Shepard. It awakened who I was and why I was unable to LOVE. The truth is the cliche about loving yourself brings about love is so true. I started searching and embracing the fact that I was a gay man and reconciling my past self hatred for true love.

The path to get here was at times so hard and the list of characters in this novel of my life played out like a David Sedaris novel. Often humourous and sometimes dangerous. I searched to find a way to LOVE. I feel I have almost died and sweated more than just tears in order to find true l LOVE. For a time I felt that it was impossible. That true LOVE was invented in our minds and it was something we tricked ourselves into believing.

I felt depressed and lost and so clueless as to the meaning of the world or life. There was a spark that had died deep inside. It was like a furnace that was without a pilot light. I searched deep and started therapy. I always thought therapy was just bogus way to try to self help and blame your problems on others. I started cognitive therapy and the effect it had on me was profound.

To quote Dar Williams in the song "What Do You Hear In These Sounds?" (And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think,That it only makes you selfish and in LOVE with your shrink,But oh how I loved everybody else,When I finally got to talk so much about myself,"

Its true. I started healing and started to find my light and my soul. It was like rebuilding a peice of shattered glass and reforming it and creating a loving work of art. I learned that it was ok to feel the way I felt about the past and that I was a worthwhile person. I started to LOVE and with that came an acceptance and LOVE for others.

Sadly I lost many with being able to love myself. Come to find out many people arent totally crazy when others find happiness within themselves. Some see that as a sign of the lack of self LOVE in their own lives. I took some time and just let myself be me. So much healing started it was like moss covering my life and engulfing it with a new light.

That is when something so unexpected happened. I thought my romance/LOVE karma card was blown away and prepared to just enjoy my life alone with Dutchess as my companion. Then I recived a text message from a guy I had been freind with online that lived in Portland. It was a great new freindship with someone that seemed so amazing.

Jacob decided to drive up to Seattle just to meet me. I have to say the moment I met him inside Barnes & Nobles there was a feeling something that was so raw and open. I was so anxious I had started to chatter away LOL. The night progressed and we spent a great night hanging out. I went home that night with a smile. I felt something was different changed. Something that was pure.

Fast forward to October 2009. I have realized much about myself. The first thing I have learned is that I truly for the first time in my emtire life LOVE myself. I don't let anyone bring me down and try to not let anyone take advantage of me. The other realization is that I have met my fisrt TRUE LOVE. The love I have for Jacob is so pure and true. I have fallen for my best freind and I look now for examples of loving lasting relationships. I tell Jacob all the time. I want to make history and be a couple and defy the odds.

I watch poeple liek his parents who after 40+ years together found they were best freinds and truly in LOVE. Each day that goes by feels different. With Jacob I feel like I am experiencei8ng everything for the first time and there is that spark again. Nothing seems to bring me down and I am moved to tears with the power I feel knowing that we deserve each other and that we both truly LOVE not oonly ourselves but each other.

So what really is LOVE?
I think LOVE is truly accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. Opening up yourself to the fact that you are truly human and that You are capable of so much more than ever thought.
LOVE is the realization that you are one with the world and that there is a plan and that plan may be the most amazing lessons in the universe.
LOVE is knowing that you are ok and that when the time is right your heart will open and accept LOVE that is pure and kind and full of so many blessing.

Understanding Limits...

When i was a kid my mom worked at the Salvation Army. She was in charge of the Senior Nutrition Program. Her job would entail picking up food to be served to the seniors that would come to the center on a (mostly) daily basis, make sure the food was ordered and nutritious, as well as tracking what poeple ate, etc.

The smell of the food in the plastic bins is still engrained in my mind. The Salvation Army (SA)provided a lot of memories in my childhood. I know that my parents wedding reception was there, many of the guests were the people who my mom served during her tenure with SA. I learned to swim at that age.

I felt I could swim for hours and hours and I was safe and protected in the deep chlorinated blue tinted waters. Pretending to be Aquaman was one of my favorite past times. Many times wishing I could eventually turn into a fish and escape the world through some pipe. Sadly I know now that I would just end up in some tamk most likely.

Summers were spent going to daycamp and feild trips. I reember learning to crab walk for the first time, many trips to the Spokane Interstate fairgrounds, movies, waterslide parks. It was a time I remember as an amazing time that was an escape in a world knowing that my family was poor but I was accepted and nooned care about money or what I did or didnt have.

My mom would pick up many of the seniors that went to SA. I don't know if that was part of her job, but we did it nonetheless. We would pick the food up in the dark maroon vans that the center provided. On the way, there would always be a stop to pick someone up who couldnt make it to the center on their own. The time in the van would involve hearing stories of grandchildren, relatives, politics, and daily gossip. My brother Aaron and I would always be showered with affection being that we were a couple of "carrot-tops" that were young and playful.

As the years went by my Mom had another baby, quit SA and went back to school to eventually accomplish receiving her MSW. The thing though she never stopped was random picking up of seniors form the center and grabbing a luch here and there. I would accompany her on many of the lunch outings. Sadly most of the seniors from that era have passed. There was one thing I remember though, my mom's dedication to heping people.

In school I was not popular by any means. When I started public school in 3rd grade I was that one kid everyone targets to pick on. I remember always relating to adults better than other children. They all seemed so trivial in their thought process. I would always volunteer to help a teacher before or after class. Around 5th grade I started being called a teacher's pet. I found out it was not very popular to be helpful but i didnt care. There was a safety and refuge from the kids wanting to beat me up or calling me names.

A I got older I watched as my mom continued volunteer like a mad women. She taught writing classes at the college, assisted with refugee relief, working with the prayer chain at church, sunday school duties, working with an interfaith paper called the Fig Tree. Somehow she still was able to maintain a house with kids, a husband, 2 dogs and cats and other pets within the house.

This sat engrained in my mind and I knew that volunteering was in the cards for me. I tried to find my niche via several ways in church and work activities. My first time I realized how much I loved to volunteer was after I had come out and I was part of a commitee that provided a yearly retreat for people in 12 step recovery program. I was considered the "normie" by the poeple who came to the retreat since I was not in a recovery program.

One of my favorite moments was getting to merge my mom's world with mine. She was heavy into facilitatimg writing seminars teaching "Healing Through Writing". She ended up facilitating one our groups and it was an amazing experience to see my mom as more than just my mom but a healer that was using her skills for the betterment of the soul. That moment just moved me so much to have that experience to share with my mom.

This didnt stop my desire to want to volunteer more, in actuality it jumpstarted a sleeping creature. The years have brought many chances to volunteer. Once moving to Seattle I found the need for volunteering is so great. I decided that I wanted to do something that would be a bit more meaningful than just sending mailing lists or anything like that. I decided to volunteer at Lambert House . Lambert House is a center for gay. lesbian, bisexual, transgender and question youth. A safe house that provides support and great activities the youth.

The first day I went to the volunteer coordinating class I met Dawn Morgan. We quickly became close freinds and shared the common need to educate and volunteer. I feel this was such an immense time of growth for me. I learned more than I could even blog here in one entry. After many changes in administration and funding cuts I wasnt able to keep up my fair share of the needs that need to met and I stepped back. I still helped where i could with minor volunteer roles within the community until a bit over a year ago.

I had been in a group at Dunshee House that supported newer diagnosed HIV+ poeple. I felt it was my time to step up to the plate and and become more apart of Dunshee house and it eventually opened up into my role as facilitator for said group. It led me to volunteering with POS Seattle as well as AIDSWALK with work and so many great opportunities. I have loved it so very much and love the ability to be a mentor and bring my experience to people who are scared and a bit lost knowing that I was there just a few short years ago. The experience has been exhaustingly rewarding.

A few weeks ago I had to take a hard look in myself and realize that I am stretched to my limit. I have spoken with my mom about how she feels that it was time to step back on some of her own volunteering. Once again my path with her has crossed and I have realized that it is time to step back and live some life for a while. As of August 7th my duties with Dunshee house will be done and I will take a much needed sigh of relief.

I know that my Service Work is far from done in this lifetime. It is just a time to keep working on making my life and journey at this stage an experience that I can LIVE and not rush through. It is time to work more on my goals and my dreams and let other poeple take over the duties that I have occupied so very long. Passing the torch feels so good and healthy.

I am glad to have this time to write and work on some music ideas. I will focus on quality of life and I know its the best decision much like the path my mom has chosen as well.

Independant Piracy....

I am not one to really chronicle much outside of my personal journey on my blog. I rarely ever discuss religion, politics or my stances on certain topics of the world at large but i have been recently been readying a lot of debates on a particular subject that is so dear to my heart.

The topic that I have been thinking a lot about is Independent Music. I muct say I am and have always been a huge fan of artists that etch a mark and form molds that are unique to their own model.

Afew weeks ago I read an article on Lily Allen speaking about music piracy . She was very articulate in response to Nick Mason from Pink Floyd and Ed O’Brien from Radiohead speaking how they thought that filesharing wasn't an issue.

No better words were spoken than by Darren Hayes in his blog in response to the article. This sparked alot of debate but sadly I found so many poeple responding that disagreed with the Indie artist all seems to have the same opinion. Critics seem to think that as a public we are "owed" or "entitle" free music and that it should be available at no charge.

Personally I claim Bullshit on this. I know many poeple who also Pirate DVD's and Movies. I will be honest and say I have watched these with such frustration at the quality and the irritation of an exit sign or someones head on the screen. I wanted to see what was so amazing about this. Well truthfully NOTHING.

The major argument is that artist's make too much money on the albums/DVD's/single's etc. The truth is that if most poeple were actually to delve into what it takes to create. market, produce, and manufacture they may be shocked by how little artists actually take home at the end of the day.

Though this is the career of choice for an artist it would be disrespectful to state that this is a reason fro not paying someone what they are worth. You can not walk into an auto shop and expect to drive off and not pay for the work that was performed. You cant go to a restauraunt, feel so good about the food you ate and then walk away without paying the waiter and staff for the work they put into your meal. We pay for the services and entertainment that we want and desire.

Modern time have twisted and morphed the way we look at art and what we "deserve". being a child of the 80's it was not uncommon to make the famous "mix tapes" to show off our fave songs or to show a crush how much he like them in some kind of cheesy romantic touchy love songs. The big difference for many is that we would hear a song and rush out to find the albums the songs were on. It was an experience of listening to full albums. I would not have survived high school if it were not for the full albums "Disintegration", "The Queen Is Dead", "Violator" or "The Innocents".

Now poeple feel they can just rip songs from file sharing never pay for the work and then never buy an album. Major labels are not made these days for quality music and quality artists. Just take a look at artists like Casey Stratton, Eric Himan, Ryan Mintz, Christopher Dallman, Aiden James, et al. These artists live by either constant touring, merchandising, or continuously releasing new music so that they don't lose the beginning momentum they have started.

I am thankful to know one of the most outspoken advocates for independent music Casey Stratton. Just take a scratch into the his blog and you will see a true artist that is constantly finding his entire albums and catalog pirated on some filesharing site. That is unbeleivable when you consider that the only income he makes is his album sales.

Many artists have even turned to some amazing tactics to try and raise funds to continue even completing an EP much less a full length album. Not all artist can afford home studios or even have the skills to do it all on their own. Many start very simple Grassroots Campaigns to raise funds to just complete a quality product. This is a way to keep their integrity and be the artist that modern radio would not allow.

This is now coming attack and how ridiculous its is to attack the way anyone markets or targets thems selves. Amanda Palmers recent blog speaks directly to this exact attack to independent artist. I have to be honest when i was trying to kick start my musical career i started a paypal simply for the purpose of raising funds to get into a professional recording environment. Noone chose to donate to my musical endeavours and that was their choice. But to attack this is ridiculous. That would be similar as to say that a politician shouldnt raise funds for their campaign.

I make a conscience choice to pay for what I can and donate to artists I want to support. I actually choose in most cases to not even order the physical CD. I much woulr prefer to havethe digital dowload knowing that it is less expensive for an Independent artist.

What it really comes down to is we make choices how we spend our money. I feel like if I cant afford to go to a movie I dont need to see it at this time. I will wait til it comes out on DVD or Netflix. If I want an album I will buy it . If I cant afford to buy an album I wait until I can afford to buy it or buy a couple songs off an album. I go to artist and watch them play shows and support in all the ways I can. Given the fact that honestly you can purchase most albums off Itunes or artist websites for $10 or less that isnt too bad honestly. Especially when an Indie artist is getting a majority of the money back in order to fund a tour or new album.

The truth is that if many of the poeple who are intensely succesful and have been for the past couple decades were to release albums now in this day and age there is a good chance they would be unsuccesful. The support needed to start a career and maintain is so challenging given the way we have allowed our society to view ART as unimportant and something that is owed and not something that is a service that we pay for.

Enough of that soapbox... but i feel that it was worth sharing my thoughts as an avid music lover and indie artist fan... this one is for the artists I love.

Trilogy

The number 3 has always held a deep meaning and close to heart number for me. I have always had things in my life happen in 3's. The power of three is so powerful for so many reasons beyond what seems the most obvious.

There will always be the obvious religious aspect of (the father, son , holy ghost), there is always the saying "all bad things come in threes" (I am not sure bad things have come in three for me), and of course supposedly all deaths occur in three's as well. I have just personally found that the number three brings such good fortune to my life. It is almost a mystical number to my existance.

I have been thing about the 3's lately. It has been clearer as of late that I am starting in a third stage of some sort in my life. Returning home to witness my grandparents celebrating 60 years of marriage as well as seeing my freind Eric Himan (www.erichiman.com) put my mind into a tailspin. So many thoughts... mostly about stages.

STAGE 1: SPOKANE:

Being born and raised in a small minded place like Spokane was always a challenge for a guy like me. I never honestly felt that was where i was meant to stay, even at a young age. The first stage of mt development I feel was the flaundering stage. Spokane brought me the awareness that I was stronger than most. I would lean on this trait throughout the years but I felt so very confused by my own purpose. very lost and out of touch.

My time in Spokane saw me grow from the loss of my bio-parents, the blessing of my current parents and created family. Pain, loss, and heartache were not foreign to my soul or to my energy. I was married and lied about my true self and the fact that I was indeed GAY. eventually I would fall in love for the first time with a man that at the time was self destructive but necessary. I was green to the world and not sure I would survive the growing and changing that was necessary.

Months before I moved to Seattle I had felt a shift. I knew life wouldnt be the same. Angelo's health was suffereing and that meant a temporary move to Seattle for a stem-cell transplant. My freind Rose had told my mom before I moved "Do you think that he will be back", I was told my moms reply was "I dont think so". The move was very WIDE OPEN SPACES ( insert Dixie Chicks reference). Little did I know what the future would hold.

STAGE 2: SEATTLE:

Moving to Seattle ended up being permanent. Very early, within months my life changed very drastically. Angelo was healed but there was a shift that had set in by then and we no longer worked as a couple. But the adventure that Seattle was just beginning. I could not have been prepared if you had told me in advance. Thank goodness noone did though.

Seattle was my first chance at self reflection, truthful and honest encounters with gay culture. I started volunteering, learned about Gay prides, politics (both community and worldy), I learned all about all what the meaning behind each of the LGBT letters meant. I worked and lived, laughed and attempted love. I fell and picked myself back up.

Then the diagnosis 4 years ago which made me whip myself around and wake up to a whole new way of life. I learned to make myself priority #1. Not to be hurt both physically and mentally. I learned to not take any part of life for granted. I learned that I am worth more than I had ever given myself any credit for, I found something deep inside me that I didnt even know existed. I learned that i could write, i had a photograpghic eye, and a voice . It was very SILENT ALL THESE YEARS (insert Tori Amos reference).

I learned a whole different kind of heartbreak, I even became an entrepeneur shortly with Glass Phoenix as a local music promoter. That is where I realized I had many talents in my heart and soul. I understood songs and words that I never grasped before. I delved into my soul that was a KITTEN and pulled a very strong TIGER.

I learned the value of a true freind and someone who is an acquaintence. I learned so much from Seattle. Seattle brought me clarity of mind that I could never have had previously. The last thing Seattle changed about me was it led me to something that i struggled to find my whole life:

TRUE LOVE!!!!!!!

Yes i know all things happen for a reason and I know that I am finally open hearted and my soul is right where it is supposed to be. I finally feeled loved from the inside out. I have learned that the light that we create comes from inside first and that noone can make that happen for you. There is truly peace within my soul.

STAGE 3: PORTLAND:

With this enlightenment that I feel I am ready for the next adventure. Much like the feeling I had when leaving Spokane 8 years ago. I know that Seattle has been good to me but that I am ready for new energy. Seattle has taught me more in the past 8 years than Spokane did in the previous 27 years. I have thought about moving for a long time and then I received a surprise gift from the universe...

Jacob... he has entered my life at the perfect time and the perfect stage of my development. I know this is the third stage where I am read to be a grown up and be settled with the man I have dreamed about.

I am getting things set up... resumes written, jobs being searched, plans being made...

No I am not moving tomorrow or even next week... It will be a few months but I know it is the right move and that I am about to begin the best and most amazing journey of my whole life... I have been waiting to be in this place my whole life and I feel like the road ahead is clear and ready to move forward... this time though it will be with someone that I feel so complete with and loved by...

Here is to the best ...

Phoenix Flight

The last couple weeks have been filled with tears, joy, closeness and a sense of change that things won't and can't be the same ever again...

Last night I lost the fight at feeling younger than my actual age, It has hit me so much the past two weeks just what time holds as we get older. I am finding the shortnes and reality of life making me appreciate so much everyday ...

A couple weeks ago Jacob lost his father very unexpectantly. The jolt that hit Jacob is one that it so hard to even imagine. The emotional rollercoaster that he is on has been a challenge for his family ... in particular his mom. They were married for 38 years. I cant imagine the pain that she is going through. To lose your best freind of most of your life...

The one thing that the whole experience has definitaley shown me is that life is precious and so very fragile. The past four years already showed me this but not as much so as the past two weeks.

FALL is slowly and I am finding time to really stretch my mind and see what I have been doing with the past year and what I plan to do with my life. I have been "soul searching" for long enough. I plan to take the next few days and set a plan in motion.

The biggest endeavours of these will be to spend some time writing "The Letter Project". This will be my life story as I have planned for a while now. The challenge part is that I write all my work by hand and not on a computer.

The next will be spending more time alone learning and ingesting my Guitar and keyboard. I am very comfortable writing the words and the thoughts... the instrumentation skill is what i feel lacking in...

The hardest part as of late is the dichotomous nature that I feel. I know that if I didnt have a lease to uphold that I would so be in Portland and being closer to Jacob. I am glad we are taking time but honestly it has been hard.

I fel as if I have started an amazing and wonderful journey with such an amazing soul and yet I am here in seattle going through all the motions waiting to get the chance to be with my love. Especially during this hard time with the passing of his father. I have honestly started to look at what I can cut back and what I can continue to maintain.

I treasure each moment I have with Jacob. I was talking to him last night and confessed that I have waited my whole life for this. That I have never felt like I could be so unabashedly me. With him I feel safe and protected. I know that for once I have found healthy and good. I have found a glimpse of heaven. I want to be able to say that I am still with my best freind and my lover in 30+ years.

I have finally found true love and all that comes with it. I intend to show what other love I have for my writing, music, and photography. I am feeling it like a deep seeded entity inside me waiting to branch out is about to burst. I am taking the three days off this weekend to create... to nurture the love I have within me.

I am so very thankful the past couple weeks... to my amazing family that continously shows me the extreme love they have for me... for the good and kind hearted freinds that show me so many blessings through their enrichment of my own personal development while I watch their growth... I am thankful for Dutchess who has such an amazing love for life ...

Most importantly I am thankful for Jacob... for showing me more love than I ever thought possible... for showing me that there is a saving grace and kindness that is unlike anything that... for inspiring me and showing me the signal that is ahead ... a roadmap to my future... you are loved and i am so thankful you are in my life...

This PHOENIX is ready for flight!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blogging (Michael Style)

I started blogging years ago. I remember it very well. My JessieGirl got me started on livejournal. Back in that day you had to have a code to sign up on LJ and you would have to know someoone just to get started blogging. Jessica convinced me i should do this and that it would be very therapeautic. It was very elite-ish at the time, but i though how nice it would be to just track my daily life. It would also keep me and the few poeple I know in touch.


The truth is I have been writing since I was very young. I started my first idea for writing a song when I was in 3rd grade. I was walking into the woods near my home and humming to myself. The words appeared very quickly ... ("There's a bit of wolf inside us/trying to get out/get out it must... a bit of wolf inside of us/ and getting out is the key objective") ... for a third grader how wise to use the word objective in a lyric. I titled the song a Bit Of Wolf. I was so proud of myself and i wrote the lyrics down.

That began what would end up being a start of a very creative stride. Between that point and 8th grade i had written melodies and lyrics to well over 150 songs. I loved learning song structure tearing it down and rebuilding in a way that was my own unique brand of writing. The lyrics didnt stray far from my own existance. Even at that age i wrote in a dark and brooding artist kind of way.

By the time i started my first blog (under the screenname of Musiklovr3 http://musiklovr3.livejournal.com/) on live journal I thought of myself as a very good writer. My first post was in September of 2003. Blogging started out with the simple idea of taking silly quizzes (at the time there were very limited amount of these tests) , writing daily activites and meeting others who were part of the "elite" blogging community that at that point was still on the verge of taking off. I remember so well telling poeple about blogging and everyone thought I was crazy to put my words out there so openly. The funny thing is looking back I wasnt that open with the deeper stuff in me.

I am thankful for those early days of LJ. I met some amazing poeple a couple that have helped shape my life, probably the most important was Ducky. I met him via a Cure LJ Community and we met in seattle and hit it off right away. Over the years Ducky and I have grown to be not only amazing freinds, musical partners, but also been able to witness and supportive the amazing growth we have both endured.

The other thing it did was open my world up to people who lived not only close but far away ... even australia... my sweet Noah lived there . He and i would talk in the wee hours of my insomnia. He was a young guy when i met him leaving the second bout cancer and soon to enter the third bout that sadly from what it looks claimed his life. Not to mention amazing people like Tomas, Ray, Jason and a host of others i still communicate with to this day.

Time changed a bit and that is when I made the conscience decision to start anew and build onto the next stage of my development. That took place Sept 5th 2005. I then started the journal under the name of Michaelman333 (http://michaelman333.livejournal.com/).

Little did I know how this would slowly bring me out of my shell as a writer and a how my approach would change with the news of my diagnosis, an abusive relatonship, moving back home to Spokane and then my return to Seattle. Followed by abusive roommates, and a massive bought of depression. The strength that came out of that round of two years caused me to re-evaluate so much. That is when i started my journey as "The PhoenixReborn". It was at out of the ashes that the new me was formed. I wasn't the same after that two year struggle for my identity.

Nov 24 th 2007 started the new chapter. That is when I started the journal labeled simply aphoenixreborn (http://aphoenixreborn.livejournal.com/). Starting this phase of my life I opened myself up in a way I never thought possible. The truth is I decided to live my life very openly. I was less cryptic, less everyday banter and more about what was deep in my heart and soul. This has opened me up in a way I never planned or intended at all.

My journey through the darkness I had enveloped myself in over the 33 years of time on this floating blue planet began. The time had elapsed and opened up and I found myself in a mode for the most amazing place of self discovery imaginable. I have found myself slowing writing more and more in a deeper more thought out mode. It is amazing ...

My journey in blogging started out very simply writing my silly thoughts now i find it is has help in my growth and survival. I have found that it has not only made me look deeper into me than I ever imagined but i have been able to increase my ability to write. In an age where blogging seems so everyday I am thankful for the ability to be so open and honest in my life.

I am learning there is a danger of being very surfacely open in todays time and age... it is a funny thing.

thankful starts

I have been bad about blogging as of late still... i think i feel i have little to say of importance that hasn't been repeated in previous writings... lots of stagnation ... sorta LOL ...

The urge to move is so strong .... these darn leases just mess everything all up... I have decided though that I plan to move at some point to Portland when the time is right to be closer to Jacob. The truth is that I have wanted to move to Portland for a long time ... life is so strange how pieces fall into place the way they are supposed to in the right time...

Jacob and i are doing amazing... i honestly felt that i would never connect with anyone the way I do with him... the moment i gave up there he was... i still wake up everyday expecting the dream to end ... it hasn't yet and I honestly don't think that it will... my search is over... no more looking over my shoulder ... no more wondering if it was the right person or the right place and time ... for once I know that it is RIGHT.

Lately I have been feeling some off energy ... I think part of it was the heat (Seattle had a recording breaking heat wave)...could be my new found happiness and people don't know how to react.... I truly found an internal happiness....

The only down side has been some odd health things.... a few weeks ago i started having some odd pains in my lower right abdomen ...the pain was so intense it warranted a trip to the ER. That in turn warranted a colonoscopy... well all said and done so far not sure what it is... the last couple ideas may be med related or possibly scar related....

the thing is that it has seriously made Jacob and i closer ... he has shown so much caring and it amazing me the love he shows so regularly ... i am definitely enjoying and putting myself in a place of peace and good energy still... that has meant still cutting some ties and honestly that means little is lost if it is negative... i care too much about myself to let my heart and soul break...

Family has been on my mind lately and I miss them a lot ... i have come to the realization that my brother and his family will never truly accept me for all that I am ... I still have my mom and other brothers and my sister to nurture... it hurts to always feel like i have to be the one to nurture the relationship with my brother and that I may never get to be the uncle i want ... but when it comes down to it ... that isnt my fault... i am being true to who I am ...

the truth is i am finding happiness and its on my terms... that has taken time but thank god for that and the support that I DO have...

my life is just starting and i feel it all around me ...

2009 Seattle AIDSwalk

Dear Friend,

I hope this message finds you well! I would like to invite you to be a part of our team for the Seattle AIDS Walk on Saturday, September 26. Our goal as a team between now and then is to help raise funds and awareness to support Lifelong AIDS Alliance. It's a great way to have fun working together in support of a worthy cause. Together we can help to end the AIDS epidemic!

Lifelong provides basic human services to the community, including food, housing, and medical coverage. You can learn more about their programs and services at www.llaa.org.

Thousands of people throughout the year depend upon these services provided by Lifelong. Our contribution as an AIDS Walk team has the power to change their lives.

If you are unable to walk with us on September 26, note that you can still join our team as a Virtual Walker or support our efforts through a donation.

Thanks for your time and consideration. I hope you can join us!

Click here to visit my personal page.



Click here to view the team page for ATT Mobility League

Jacob, moving, and the new energy

So many have been asking about the new things going on in my life... i realize i havent done a real update blog in a long long time... seems that i have spent a great deal of time living life and not so much in the documentation of it all. I have found the more that I just enjoy the moment the more I am enjoying not always documenting it all. I have about 5 blogs started and just took a slight break.

So many new things...

The most important thing that has changed is that I found someone that I am very excited about. So many people want all the details and I will give some information. I met Jacob a while back online. We started out a friendship and at some point the conversations changed. He lives in Portland as a 911 operator and that keeps him very very busy. Between that and my work hours we have been trying to see each other as much as possible.

The thing is that I have worked very hard to build a sense of autonomy and work on finding the positive energy. This has included cutting some of the negative out of my life. Once i started to feel very much at peace and happy at the place that I am at in my life BAM!!!!! there was Jacob.

I connect with Jacob on many levels. We are both in the right place at the right time. It is more than just kismet that brought us together. We definitely connect on a physical, emotional, spiritual and sexually way. I have had a huge amount of support from my friends and that feels so very good.

The other big change was a move to Bothell. I am now much closer to my work (withing minutes of walking) and the mellow energy is so very very nice. It is good to not being sleeping in a makeshift room that is actually a dining room. I also get more time to spend with Dutchess. She has been such an amazing pup since I moved. I am liking the low key life and a lot of time to just contemplate.

The true fact is that I am in such a great happy place in my life. I am truly surround by great freinds that everyday show me so much love and support. I am very thankful for that. I am also so lucky to have met such a great man like Jacob. He reminds me everyday of what true pure love is and i get a glimpse into my future. He has definately awaken something deep inside me that I didnt know was there. A certain light. The distance does not stop the light or the feelings I have deep inside me.

This is my quick update and a glimpse into the new energy and place that I am at this point in my life. I am so blessed and lucky and very much at peace. Thank you so much for all the support my dear freinds and thank you so much Jacob for all that you bring to my life.

Remembering MJ!!!!

I am not one to blog about celebrities or the idea of celebrities. I have lost my enamor and glow of celebrities a while back when i began to meet and know indie artists such as Christopher Dallman, Eric Himan, Levi Kreis, Casey Stratton, Sacha Sacket and the like.

Meeting these amazing artists shattered the wall i think once existed on fame and celebrity as has the modern technology of Twitter, Facebook and the now dinosaur-ish MySpace. Seeing twitter updates from Rob Thomas, Darren hayes, Imogen Heap and the like has broken down that wall.

I feel though I have to write about the events of June, 25th, 2009. I was working and i got an email saying that Michael Jackson had was being taken to the hospital of a heart attack. My bf jacob calls me an eternal optimist and in my head I thought. poor guy i hope he gets better. Sadly he didnt. He passed away and the moment I heard the news I have to admit that I teared up instantly as did my coworker Lacey.

I have thought alot about why the feeling is there that there is such a loss. The truth is that MJ represented something to me that was not present by my surroundings as a child. Despite the tainting of his image over the years and the cost he has paid for being a childhood star. I don't have that image of him.

I remember a man who brought me joy as a child. I remember going to a freinds house as a kid. We weren't allowed to have cable cause it was "not suitable for children" LOL ... oh how times change. My freind Mike Myers (yes his real name) did though. I remember turning on the TV and watching the movie that would be THRILLER. I had never seen anything so amazing. After that moment my recesses were filled with trying to re-enact the whole video... of course me being the role of MJ.I loved doing the dance moves and learning every step that of the choreopgraphy.

I know that I am not alone in a generation that made THRILLER as the first musical purchase. I loved that album and the next album BAD. I have put much thought into why I enjoyed the music and the energy of MJ. Then it hit me.

A lot of the people that remember MJ seem to remember a time of innocence and our childhood was a happy place. Those of us especially who felt as if we didn't fit in and were looking for some type of escape saw something in him that was amazing. A real person who had the kind of childlike charm that many of us needed.

Despite anything that has been said or tried to be judged about him since those days I honestly remember a simple man that was one of the most amazing dancers, performers, and artists of my lifetime. Someone who taught me that it is ok to be innocent and to love what you do. An artist that no matter how old i get will always take me back to a time of innocence and childhood. I am thankful that I have gotten that chance in my lifetime to know a musical genius...

Thank you for that MJ. RIP....

Into the light

I was sitting on the CASCADE Train on the way back from Portland to Seattle. My first round trip ion a train almost finsihed. The lights in the car ( I think that is what they are called on a train) were dimmed. I wasn't able to watch the movie playing ("Marley and Me") due to defective headphones sound in Car #7. So I decided to play a game of FreeCell and listen to my Ipod. I looked down and saw the lights light up in the aisle. The lights hovering almost under the seats.

Lately I feel that I am seeing a path very similar to that aisle. Something slowly lighting up. Shadows are just a memory and I a feeling of not letting go. So many things that are changing in a very short time. All these are adding to the fact that at 35 I have a clarity of mind that I have not formed until now. A wisdom and acceptance of who I am and who I want to be.

The most important of these is the move that I will be making on June 27th. I will be officially moving to Bothell, Wa. This will be a great move to be closer to work and to be a bit of a slower pace. I feel that this will give me some much needed time to work on some musical ideas as well as some writings that I am way overdue for my soul.

I have always spent a great deal of time reflecting on the relationships I have had. What has made them work and what has made them fail. There are certain things that I see as being a constant in my life. I havent been ready to give all that I was and too scared to let go of so much of the past. I feel that turning 35 has changed that. I am finally ready to let the ghosts of my past go, so to speak. Time to move one step forward and find new ground.

The past few months I have been reflecting on what I want, don't want and where my life is leading. I have loved being a facilitator and knowledgeable resource in the HIV world. I felt that there was a purpose that was greater than me to be working on this. Well I opened myself up to someone and started building a freindship. This is that part of life that take those turns you can never expect. After many medical and clinical talks and conversations somewhere one of these conversations turned and made a sharp left.

The past few weeks I have gotten to know an amazing man. J. has opened up in me something that I had forgotten was there. I think that he entered my life at the right time with the right expectations. getting to know someone like this is a new thing. I am enjoying the slow simmer that started and has now turned into full on dating. This is also the first time I have ever thought about the concept of a long distance relationship. He is in Portland. Or and I am still in Seattle, Wa. I have realized that the short distance thing was working for me so why not try it.

I went on a multiple day visit down to Portland and the time I spent down there was amazing. We connected in an amazing way on many levels. I was inpressed by the company that he keeps and the way his freinds care so much about him and his well being. That shows a lot about a person. It truly feels like the right person, at the right time, at the right point in my life. I am not sure how it all happened but it just feels right. It left me in a daze when I left, it will not be easy but I know that this is different and I am excited to be taking this journey. Something about this feels so right and good.

I was reflecting about the poeple as well in my journey I am on. I am truly blessed. I have some amazing freinds. I am very very lucky. Freinds that show me on a regular basis that I am truly cared for, and that i am important to them. I think that is key to finding happiness is to surround yourself in light. I am blessed to have poeple like Ducky, Heidi, Chris, Dawn, Brandon, Lacey, Paul, and anyone i didnt mention ... the truth is i am touched by many poeple. I am glad they let me fall and let me pick myself back up. They help in a gentle and caring way and they never give up on me when even i have felt I had given up on myself.

There is something to be said about finding something and fighting for it. It is time for a lot of changes in my life. The best thing is that the changes are all good and positive flowing. I am thankful for that and for the path that is lighting its way to me.

Disclosure

I remember the August 1998 night i was hanging with a group of freinds, as we finsihed a night of bowling and lauging and lots of goofiness. There was a nice guy there his name was Brian. Brian and I had exchanegd some looks throughout the night. It was though knowing looks that we knew something noone else did. An unspoken secret that was in the air sitting like dust particles spinning around.

As we were all getting ready to leave he offered me a ride home. "Sure i just live a down on Colton St." It wasnt the best area wasnt the worse area either. Seemed everyone in Spokane had been in this area to live at some point in their tenure there. he pulled up in front of the two level apartment i lived in. We exchanged random words about our day and the fun time we had. I started to say goodbye and he leaned over and kissed me. ......WHAOH<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The only catch to what would be a normally sweet and tender moment is the fact that inside waiting for me to get home was my wife. That is right my wife of 4 years. I stopped and awkwardly got out of the car and waived goodnight. Realizing at that moment I had excitetment in my pants and confusion in my head. I had kissed before but never really like that. Up to that point I did not allow my fantasy to ever become a reality.

To say that was the start of major changes in my life would be an understatement. The next day i spoke with one of my close freinds what had transpired and the confusion in my head. She asked my thoughts and I told her "I think I'm Gay" ... Her response was a very simple and forceful "DUH" and the biggest hug I think i have ever reecived...

What transpired from that moment was a journey i could not have prepared myself for in the least. The months following were all about disclosure, being open to everyone in my life in regards to the new life and path I was heading down. I was suprised by the amount of openness i had in my life as well as the amount of poeple who felt they knew for years about the truth I had come to accept.

I thought the idea of accepting and disclosing was finished and that it would be time to move on and enjoy the simple life. LOL, well just like the song "When You Say You Love Me writen by Darren Hayes" if you wanna make god laugh all you have to do is tell him your plan.

Fast forward to november 2005. Sitting in a room at Gay City I was given the news of a lifetime... Miles looked at the little test tube that was deciphering my blood next to me. "It's Positive" ... I smiled and took a breath... "that good right, your positive its all clean?" ... " Um no Michael it is positive for the HIV virus."... Theroom felt like it was vibrating... echoing through the walls and everything seemed quite surreal. I was handed a pamphlet, a date to come back the following weeek and a Hug ("I rarely ever offer a hug but I am a bit worried about you" ) ... "ah whatever I will be fine... always am"

I was scared to call anyone for fear of the dissapointment they the poeple in my life would surely feel... wondering if my death was more at hand than i had percieved it just two hours earlier. I called my freind Ro... he had me drive to his house in west seattle so we could be there together to make sense out of something that very senseless. We sat and cried tried to figure out all the hows and whys.

The next question was the hardest though... who should i tell or should i hide the fact that I now had the one thing that so many had thought me immune to. The funny thing about stepping back and looking at your own mortality is that some things seem less important than they did before. For me the biggest revelation was that since coming out of the closet I had tried to live my life as openly and honestly as possible.

I am a pisces and I definitately wear my heart on my sleeve. Why would something like this change me being open and hosnest with the world. It was still a challenge though. Sometimes telling another person you have a chronic incurable disease is like sharing this massive secret with the world that opens you up.

Much like coming out as gay it is a personal decision. For me I am thankful for the support that I have. Honestly I would be lying if i said it was an easy path... it has taken me about 3 and a half years to get to the place that I feel comfortable enough to place myself completely in the category as POZ. I commemorated surviving three years with my first two major tattoos ...

*The biohazard symbol which is kinda the international symbol for being poz...
*The Radiation symbol anyone who knows me knows that I love superheroes and most of them got there powers by being radiated...

So i now move forward marked and accepting that we have things in our life that challenge us ... but the one lesson i have learned is disclosing your faults and identities are the most honest and sincerest way to form your own acceptance of the challenging.

Dam's

I was thinking the last night about dam's. They are amazing wonders of modern technology. I have always been intriqued by them.

When i was 12 my grandma took it upon herself to go on a two day adventure from Spokane to Troy, Mt. I am not really sure what the trip was about except to just get me away for a couple days. We stopped at the Libby Dam. We adventured and went on the tour of the facility.Ii remember just being intriqued at the power and work it took to create something as resouceful as a damn. It held back the waters and let a small amount seep through in order to convert the rest to energy for the betterment of man.

I had forgotten about that trip until two years ago when the guy I was dating at the time talked me into a weekend Portland Trip. The trip was filled with so much great food (he was a chef and thereby a food connosier), some sickness, humour and a trip to Bonneville Dam. I was surprised how intriques i still was with the whole set up of the damn, the fish ladder and all the impacts on of our society.

Move the hands of time forward to last night. I was trying to capture the exact emotion that was in my head. Then it hit me that I was like a damn I have find that I am always on the go, i am like a river moving downstream on my way to the great open waters, my reprive. As I am drifting i am gather rocks, moss, animals, and all sorts of orgamizms in the undertow of my design.

Building creating and drifting brings with it so much emotions, baggages, and a past that is was created and not necesarily in the manner which i hope for.

WHAP!!!

I take it upon myself to slow the calendar, take a much needed break and like those DAM's I am am being filter and converted and twisted through the process. The only thing is that I am a well of so many emotions on the this side. I am realizing that I have been keeping myself and at bay in order to avoid all the emotions and thoughts deeply imbedded inside my head. Now that the filter process is happening I sense a loss, a settling.

Truth is that I am for the first time seeing certain patterns in my life that I have to learn to avoid... the main one being that i tend to distance myself when i get to close to poeple ... a protection? possibly... or is it just a matter of survival .. wanting to live with a certain sense of chaos in my life... my mom once said that is how it always was growing up. That subject is for another blog though .

So now i find myself in a new stage in life a new start and i am working so had to find my footing and not be overwhelmed by the amount of love, freindship and great positive things around me .. . i am hoping that this dam provide some much needed energy for the future that i take away on... a new grand adventure....

What You Own

I was looking around the house the other day as i was picking out closthes for the next day. A habit I started in order to not stress the next morning and get to have just a few extra minutes to sleep in.

As i wandered from the closet of hanging clothes to my drawer that houses socks, underwear and folded up t-shirts i realized how easy it is to count the different relationships.

I looked at the jeans from the latest guy who said it would be an amazing relationship, he lent me the jeans for the night but said i looked so good in them I should keep them.

There was the pirate shirt that i seem to avoid at all costs, why cause cause it makes me remeber I am not that tiny anymore. Not all emacuiated from the summer that nearly ruined me.

i wear a ring i bought that spins around. I bought it to try and not think about the diagnosis that i had less than a week before that would change my world forever.

the shoes that my olympia guy said i would be so great in. " ben sherman is definitely your style." I was so excited to think i had an designer. I mean he researched what designs would look great on me for days ... it was quitet flattering.

I dig a bit deeper and there is the shirt that my first partner had bought me to "pretty" up. He alwasya had a way of making me feel less than. Yet now we are healed and matured. He is a great man.

the fancy almost see through underwear i bought to enjoy the late nights at The Eagle underwear night. I was so scared to walk into a bar and walk around with nothin but shoes and undies on. Yet i did it with a courage i still flounder with a bit. the man i was dating went with me. He is now one of my closest freinds and we joke about it all still.

Looking through all these clothes and somehow in my mind i still smell the scents of the poeple the places and the identities. Each article with their own identity and story. Some of my favortite clothes have disappeared never to be seen again ... there is a reason for that i am sure ... they ran away to hide knowing that just like a repressed memory or a block thought... it is unwise for me to remember...

So i realize that it is time. time to buy some of my own clothes... some new outfits and things that when i think of the articles iof clothing will make me feel like me... the quote the musical... "we are what we rent not what you own" ... well that doesnt work for me anymore i want to own...