G is for Gratitude

I have a gratitude jar. I started it almost a year ago when feeling very lost and not sure what positives that I had going on in my life. In truth, the life of someone who deals with depression is not very blissful. From the moments of sheer social terror with the desire to hermit with my DVR, to the outbursts of sheer joy where I am bouncing around like a kid who ate too much candy, mood swings have been a part of my life.

The challenge I face is sometimes seeing the blessing I have in front of me. I started to research what ways I could show ways I am grateful. Funny enough there is a surprisingly a lot of information on this topic.

I came up with a few new things to try and increase my gratitude awareness.

My Gratitude Jar: I read about this online. It was suggested that you find a jar, can, box, anything that can hold stuff basically. I then took colored construction paper (because it is pretty) and cut up little squares to write things that bring me gratitude. Some of the things are simple things such as coffee or being able to wake up. Others things are being able to speak with someone about an important topic, job change, or any of the like. I fill my jar and hope to just fill it up and watch my gratitudes fill up.

My Gratitude List: This part of my gratitude is less tangible. I use this as a tool when I meditate or have insomnia. I have always been prone to bad sleeping habits. Insomnia had been a friend of mine for years and I feel like I have tried all the techniques; tea, counting sheep, meditating, baths, exercise, no exercise… basically tried it all. The newest habit that I am finding works very well is to first read a bit before sleep and then to lay down and count gratitude’s. I start to list off the things that I am thankful for on a daily basis. Once again this can be, for me at least, anything from sweet potato chips to family, health, my furry kids, or just being able to breathe.

Gratitude Journal: This is one I have not spent a great deal of time on but I do know that some people do prefer to have a journal they keep where they write daily about what they are grateful for in their lives. I have not found this worked for myself simply because I am not that focused honestly.

The one common thing in this day of digital media, instant online fights and negativity we all forget is to find what we could be grateful for around us. I would be remiss to say that even I have my moments that I forget to be grateful. I complain about mundane things and then catch myself.

I think what I enjoy about the exercise of gratitude is the daily reminder to find good around the world and to have a documentation that I can pull out when it feels like so much is caving in around me.

Surprise someone with a card, smile, sing a song, go outside and see what is going on and try and view the world differently. You may be surprised how much joy is around in the middle of the chaos and rough times. Life is not perfect but by being grateful I feel I get to see how blessed I am to have the life that I do.

F is for Fragmentation

“Where do think this anxiety is coming from?” My most recent experience with my therapist consisted of me talking at length of the past few months until I paused and this one simple question popped out of her from the chair across from me. I recognized that look of “dig deep Michael”. I hate that look.

I was always intrigued with people who had multiple personality disorder growing up. It actually made a lot of sense to me even at a young age. The idea that someone could actually suffer so many traumas that they actually split parts of their psyche into separate entities in order to survive the pain makes complete sense to me.

I have found over the years I learned to fragmentize myself. Not as extreme as someone with personality syndrome. I found that when things got to be too much, I just put it in a little mental box and shut the lid. I think this manifested in my teens. It was my survival technique my brain chose to separate reality from perceived reality in order to make it through the trauma I endured on a daily basis.

I never had the “luck” to be able to forget about moments or events. I know of people who remember trauma years or sometimes never after the fact. My brain has never worked that way. Instead I would fragment pieces and put them into that box. For years this practice worked. I would be able to speak about past traumas in a disassociated way. It was always like looking at someone’s life story. The details were there but the emotional connection was light years away. That worked well until I started therapy. The first round was pretty challenging. It broke down some of the walls and helped me let go of some of the pain in a healthy way but then I stopped for a while.

This past year (2015) was one of the most challenging for me on a very personal level. Between family of origin boxes being ripped open, past abusers popping up in my life and dealing with relationship challenges in my marriage I have learned to let go of some of those boxes and approach the steps to healing. As each of these fragments slowly started to merge into parts of the whole me, I was left very raw and felt very naked and frightened. It was the first time in my adult life that dealt with or was exposed to the trauma I lived with so many years. I could no longer share as much for fear of my own reactions to this vulnerability.

The last year has been like a plane crash of UPS boxes… everything just became so scattered and it I was left walking around the wreckage and slowing adding a piece here and a piece there. Putting it back like a puzzle that is just slightly off mark. I know that it is still being pieced together and I think that is causing a sort of mental arrest in my brain.

The best part is the parts of me that have closed off for so long are forming back and less and less is buried. My mom said recently I was the Secret Breaker in my family. At first I was at a loss of what to say because all our secrets are not only mine to share. But I know that I am willing to peel back the closed boxes on me and let them release a bit one by one. I do not want a Pandora’s box of emotions running rampant.

But then it all clicks and makes sense. “Where do think this anxiety is coming from?”.

I will tell you where it comes from …. It comes from holding way to much in for way to long. It is from never sharing my true hearts thoughts and content. It is from the fear that I will not be loved unconditionally when sharing my soul. It is the notion that I will be treated different for being so open. It is the fear that when I am healed who will I become? Finally, it is from all this merging of all the fragmenting that has existed in my brain for years. But in the end instead of pieces I will be more whole and the picture will be brighter. I know that I still a journey but slowly pieces one by one are fitting together and the fragments are less.