Loss (and hoping to be found)...

LOSS---

***detriment, disadvantage, or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get:

***the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had

***failure to preserve or maintain:



I have been in the strangest head space as of late. I have been thinking a lot about loss and the things we lose as we get experience this thing called life.



I feel so frustrated with my body and my mind. I almost forget what it was like to be oblivious to my own mental and physical needs. It is hard to imagine that there was a time that I just accepted y moods and didn’t understand or even acknowledge that I had problems always using excuses about finances and time to not work on these things.



I am older now and working through the fact that I am getting older and that I have physical issues now to deal with the loss of my go go go… my back hurts at the oddest moments and having to deal with a chronic exhaustion. I have the thoughts of all the things I want to do but I am so tired and worn out all the time.



I am angry that I have to take meds in order to maintain my mental state and not feel like I am losing control. Though I find it funny that I see now where so many of my mood swings in my past have come from my head just not working inside correctly. I worry that I will one day lose my sanity and never be able to return.



I think about how much my heart would break if I was to lose anyone close to me at this stage and I am just not sure what would happen. I feel I have lost enough of myself over the past 36 years and I am afraid of losing anything more in a short time.



I found that over the course of the past several years the biggest loss ios the loss of my dream of the artistic life and my hope to one day do more with it. When I was younger I dreamt of being an artist and surviving off that but sadly we live in an age where artistry is not appreciated or compensated like it once was.



Independent artists have to fight to not have their work stolen, ideas taken, or just so underappreciated to the point of may artist going into having to work second or third jobs just to make ends meet. I lose hope in that I will be able to make a difference yet I watch and feel as if I have something to say but I wonder if anyone is out there even willing or wanting to listen.



I do feel very thankful for the many things I have do not get me wrong … I count those blessings every day. I just want to be able to find my creative self and I would like to make a difference in the world. It is funny to think that so many people get to see the “public” face and the guy who is always on and happy and willing to be the life of the party.

The truth is most often I am scared of making a fool of myself and looking like a fool. I have felt like I let people down and that a lot are embarrassed by me and my goofiness. I have lost my sense of what is and what is not success and I fear sometimes that I will be found out that I am really insecure at times to the point of tears.



I really and working to not feel the loss that I have deep inside … I feel the last meaning of loss is the one that I have had the hardest time with: failure to preserve and maintain. I feel that I have to reinvent my creative aspect… I am just not sure how to do that but that is what the planning and creating part has to somehow drip from me.



I have to step back and find how to not feel the loss but to truly grow and mature from the loss that I have felt in the past. I would also like to not be afraid of further loss. This where I am at in my head for now.