My Pride...

October of 1998 the world sadly lost Matthew Shepard. I remember when the news broke and it was all over the radio, news , TV...It was a devastating blow to the LGBTQ community. At the time I remember I was watching the news and thinking this poor guy was killed in such a horrible way because of the way he was.

Something awoke inside me at that time: I was at the end of a 4 year marriage (yes to a woman) I had been questioning who I was and what I wanted to be and it was that moment that I said I would hide no more. The idea of stepping out of the closet and being so true to my sense of character was the scariest thing I had ever done. Truthfully I had thought I was for a long time and when I decided it was time to come out I made the decision to never deny that part of me again.

Even though it was 1998 I was still terrified of the reactions of friends and family. The surprise was mine when everyone responded with a resounding " DUH!!". PHEW... I had never felt so accepted up to that stage in my life. I feared telling my mom the most. I thought that since she is my adopted mom this would give her the chance to say she didn't want to be my MOM anymore.

Looking at it now I realize that is the silliest thought ever. The first thing she said was "I love you" followed by "just be careful and remember that there are people that hurt others who are different. " I knew my Mom was referring to the Matthew Shepard incident.

As I slowly acclimated to life as a Gay man I started the process of meeting people. going to prides and started to at first question what it meant to have Gay Pride. Seeing that I group up in a church environment that always taught that pride cometh before the fall I am was ashamed to be proud of something especially with something that I was born with.

Then I looked up the definition of pride.

PRIDE   /praɪd/ Show Spelled [prahyd] Show IPA noun, verb, prid·ed, prid·ing.
–noun
a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

Wow then it hit me I do have gay pride ... I have self -respect and self esteem that has grown through my ability to be so open and honest with myself and my truth.

More than that I used to have a tradition that on that watching the movie "STONEWALL". The story of how we were able and afforded freedom to have a parade or gay pride them anything is in part due to a small group of people that without any motive but to allow freedom of who we are fought a battle and gave gays our first taste of self.

I am proud to be connected as an almost "distant cousin" to the many people who assisted in securing that we will have the right to be openly gay and to be able to have parades, festivals, and parties all centered around our gender identity.

Today I am still an advocate for the rights of my partner, my family, friends, as well as myself. I am truly proud to be a functioning member of the LGBTQ community. I am proud of my fellow community. The amazing people that make my life so touched and amazing. I will continue to fight for respect for all the people I admire and love.

This to me is what Gay Pride is about ... Happy Gay Pride month.

Sometimes a CIRCLE...

Sometimes a circle feels like a direction/Up and down, still lookin' for perfection/ There's a lot goin' on but it all adds up to nothing/Sometimes a circle feels like a direction



This song by Louise Goffin has been in my head a lot lately. The feeling of going round and round, the sense of being in a landing patter is such a great analogy about certain parts of my life as of late. I am in a healthy yet unexplainable headspace. I say healthy in that I feel a bit of shaking up is good for the soul. I have chosen to ride this feeling out even though it is a strange concept for me.

I am used to being the guy who analyzes why I feel everything, every moment, every second. I think I came up with a mental creative burst that was so powerful and overwhelmed my own brain ... I am at an odd place of feeling like I am not confident enough to do anything yet knowing somewhere I have it all in me.

I am watching this Circle go by like a marble spinning around a a sink... I am not sure when it will stop spinning. I watch my blood work stay the same and I am waiting for the big change in my numbers where it will be a really large count.

Waiting for my vision for my photos to grab me and tell me I am taking something new and original. I want to know that I am doing something worthwhile with my photography gift.

I keep putting myself out there to find a musical project and no replies yet at this stage of my life but I keep trying. I wonder if I should take the clue and just throw in the towel but when I see shows like American Idol I think to myself … I could do that and way better than those performers.

I envision myself with a new job with more purpose with better pay, better benefits, and one that I don't feel so blah about when I am here. The current job I feel like I am kid in school being monitored and watched for anything I do wrong (I.e. using the bathroom, not looking at my screen, etc.)

The truth is that I am a lucky person and I know that. I know things in life could be worse off. I am covered with health benefits; I have good people around me, an amazing partner and the kindest supportive family. I know every day I wake up look at Jacob and my pets and feel so thankful that I do have the love and safety that I have craved my whole life.

The only issue sitting within me is that I can’t seem to totally let go of what is in me and jump across the fence. My plane has been in a holding pattern for so long and it has gotten so comfortable there that I am terrified to land this plane. The rough part is just that I am not sure why I am so afraid to land. But I have to find a way to land and soon.

The truth is sometimes a circle CAN feel like a direction. The larger truth is reality shows that a circle is just that a circle and it goes round and round. The one thing I have learned is that a circle is NOT a direction but a fear of diving in and letting go completely. The challenge now is how will I move forward and let go and land this plane and let go.