Sometimes a CIRCLE...

Sometimes a circle feels like a direction/Up and down, still lookin' for perfection/ There's a lot goin' on but it all adds up to nothing/Sometimes a circle feels like a direction



This song by Louise Goffin has been in my head a lot lately. The feeling of going round and round, the sense of being in a landing patter is such a great analogy about certain parts of my life as of late. I am in a healthy yet unexplainable headspace. I say healthy in that I feel a bit of shaking up is good for the soul. I have chosen to ride this feeling out even though it is a strange concept for me.

I am used to being the guy who analyzes why I feel everything, every moment, every second. I think I came up with a mental creative burst that was so powerful and overwhelmed my own brain ... I am at an odd place of feeling like I am not confident enough to do anything yet knowing somewhere I have it all in me.

I am watching this Circle go by like a marble spinning around a a sink... I am not sure when it will stop spinning. I watch my blood work stay the same and I am waiting for the big change in my numbers where it will be a really large count.

Waiting for my vision for my photos to grab me and tell me I am taking something new and original. I want to know that I am doing something worthwhile with my photography gift.

I keep putting myself out there to find a musical project and no replies yet at this stage of my life but I keep trying. I wonder if I should take the clue and just throw in the towel but when I see shows like American Idol I think to myself … I could do that and way better than those performers.

I envision myself with a new job with more purpose with better pay, better benefits, and one that I don't feel so blah about when I am here. The current job I feel like I am kid in school being monitored and watched for anything I do wrong (I.e. using the bathroom, not looking at my screen, etc.)

The truth is that I am a lucky person and I know that. I know things in life could be worse off. I am covered with health benefits; I have good people around me, an amazing partner and the kindest supportive family. I know every day I wake up look at Jacob and my pets and feel so thankful that I do have the love and safety that I have craved my whole life.

The only issue sitting within me is that I can’t seem to totally let go of what is in me and jump across the fence. My plane has been in a holding pattern for so long and it has gotten so comfortable there that I am terrified to land this plane. The rough part is just that I am not sure why I am so afraid to land. But I have to find a way to land and soon.

The truth is sometimes a circle CAN feel like a direction. The larger truth is reality shows that a circle is just that a circle and it goes round and round. The one thing I have learned is that a circle is NOT a direction but a fear of diving in and letting go completely. The challenge now is how will I move forward and let go and land this plane and let go.