6 years and counting ...

It is like a birthday of sorts...

The day I was diagnosed sits in my mind and pops in from time to time.

This past year I stepped up to put myself out on the front lines but I do spend time reflecting on my status and what that means to me and how it has changed my life.

This past year I had the honor to be feature in the CNN article, Start volunteering with the local HIV/AIDS organization CAP, I got to walk in the PORTLAND AIDS WALK, and got to watch as my partner started to come into his own acceptance and disclosure.

As I approach my 6th POZIVERSARY I plan to continue to work on the things that mean a lot to me. I want to continue to combat the ideas that surround HIV stigma and misconceptions. I find it ridiculous that 30 years after the start of the HIV epidemic, so many people ask and judge how you got it. As if the act is worse than the actually disease, yet no one ever questions why anyone would have Heart Disease, Diabetes, or Cancer.

I have decided that this year I will continue work on myself and the things that I personally want to accomplish with my writing, music, and photography. I will challenge myself to keep striving to be more authentic. I will also work at the things that I want to do such as baking, more dog obedience and working on our home.

I will also continue to work at showing that you can be healthy, happy and live a full and complete life, even with HIV. I will show that nothing will slow me down whether I am in my thirties or not. I feel that my life is still just beginning and I am humbled by the experiences that I have had this previous year.

Here is to health, happiness and the future of another year living anew...

Depression .. Up from the ground..

After meeting my paternal birth family I realized that depression has ruled my life for years straight from my genetics. I truthfully hate it so much. I hate feeling hopeless and feeling as if I have no control over what I am feeling. The darkness just envelopes me and I it seems the last few years the meds do not help and either does all the positive thinking.

I feel that we live in a very serious time where depression is known about but not taken seriously enough still. It can be so debilitating and life affecting. It can also cause so many so many other health concerns.

I decided on my way to work to think about something positive ... I have plenty to draw from so I am hoping this can be my focus when the times are seeming rough:

I am grateful for:

My partner Jacob, he never ceases to amazing me with his heart and his soul that is so open and protective. He lets me be ME warts and all. He brightens my life every day.

My friends, in particular Brandon, Joey, and Lacey... They have shown me so much about what true friendship is. They allow me to express myself and yet never let me get away with making stupid choices.

My "KIDS": Every day I watch Taffy, and Dutchess and our kitties just show pure unadulterated love. They just want to be comforted or cuddled up to.

My family, I have been blessed with some people in my family that truly shine. I get very frustrated feeling like an outsider with them but they truly help love me.

My creative self: I am thankful for the gift to take pictures and share my vision, music that brightens my life, and words that come from me and teach me to grow.

My community: I have been so touched that I get to share my heart and soul and be a part of POZIAM, CAP, and the communities that I participate in regularly. Through the community I have been allowed to express who I am and grow and become inspired by stories and the people.

I am a blessed person, this is why it feels silly to be depressed but my body obviously does not agree with me. I know I am not alone with my depression but I will continue to work through it by continuing to be grateful.