Sensory Darkness.....

Sometimes lessons come to us in the most unlikely places,

This past week as I was doing HIV testing I had an 53 year old guy getting tested. It had been a couple years since he had been testing and it had always been with a mouth swab. The organization I work with does not do mouth swabs and instead a finger poke. As is common I asked him to put his hand out and it would be a quick little poke. Well as soon as I went to use the lancet on him he pulled his back as if possessed. I did eventually get the blood draw after about 5 min of this continuing pulling back osf his hand. He laughed after we finally got the draw and he said ... "That did not hurt at all, wow I am so embarrassed"

As we talked he told me how when he was a child he would get draws and the nurses would use what looked like razor blade tips to poke the skin and draw the blood. He had forgotten about it until that moment. Somehow his body had reacted to from some form of sensory memory.

Made me start to think about what other sensory memories are we all carrying with us. What endeavors have I put off for bad memories? Can this apply to the mental parts as well as physical? What about our spiritual side?

I find that sometimes that there is so many blocks inside. As I write this I see that is what I am in therapy for. To get these sensory memories out of me. I just wonder how many memories I have hidden that I have not yet uncovered.

I think about the reasons I am scared to write more, why I do not get up and sing more, why I do not pursue more of myself in photos, music, and the creative projects that I have in my head. What is this sensory that I have pushed down. It is ground so deep into the ground that I sometimes cannot see the light while I am diving down to try and find it.

I do find more of myself everyday... It is like an abyss in front of me that I am piecing together for fear of falling into the darkness. That is why I refuse to believe that I can become bitter and negative. That is admitting that I have lost to the dark in me and the rage has won.

I do believe that even in my concepton that there was a sensory of honest and true love. I was created from that and that it is why I have not lost out to the darkness. Hear that Darkness.... go away ... far away......