H is for Healing

When I was 15 I wrote a song called “The Damaged One”. In the lyrics I stated that I would always be a damaged one to the unknown person that the song was directed towards. I am no long 15 but that song still swims in the recesses of my memory.

“here I am standing beside before/ and I wonder how you’re doing now/and I think of you when I think of loving/and I wonder what you’re doing now

I will always be remembered as the damaged one/If you think I am going to sit here and take the pain your wrong/ because I remember every moment that we shared

I will always be your damaged one”

In less than two weeks I will be another year older and it will have been 27 years since I wrote those lyrics. That does not seem possible but time is a cruel animal. I never see New Year’s as a new start but instead I do that with my birthday. The reoccurring theme this year does seem to be revolving around healing. In the past year I have made conscience effort to heal my body, mind, and soul. I have opened up my inner self and found a beauty that I was not expecting. A few examples:

*I ran my first half-marathon. My sister-in-law asked me to do the huckleberry run and I at first laughed and then decided “yeah why not”. It was one the most amazing runs I have ever been on and I loved it. I am also running at least three miles every couple of days a week on my lunch. It feels good to be goal setting and reaching towards those goals.

*I found a job that is more than just a job. I feel I am part of an amazing community and working to be in the environment that lines up with my own personal standards and desires as a career. I assist people with things that I never thought I would. I also have many roles and every day I feel challenged and ready to go in; even when I feel less then mentally.

*I have gotten closer to my Mom. This has been a lifelong goal; to be larger part of my mom’s life and not just seen as a long distance son. As a lifelong Mommas boy I have looked up and admired my mom for so many reasons. It was hard that we could go months and not talk. I had enough and stood up for myself and now we talk, even if just a text, at least once a week. It has brought me a lot of joy and to have that connection is priceless. I feel like I am getting to know my mom as an adult and it is so awesome to be able to have someone to talk so openly with.

*I have made the decision to return to school after a lengthy hiatus and I am ready to pursue my Nursing degree. This was something I have debated about, for what feels like, a lifetime. I am not sure the exact quarter I am starting but recently applied to the Clackamas Community College and was accepted and found out even some of my credits will be transferable. It is so exciting and I feel that it is a niche I can fit into very well.

*The biggest change has been the discovery of family I didn’t know that existed. In September I was found by my biological younger sister (We share a birth mother). It was a surprise and shock. Since then I have connected with my two sisters and multitude of nieces and nephews. In a shocking twist as well I have actually semi re connected with my birth mother. I do not know all where all this reconnection will lead but I do know that one of my sisters and I talk almost daily. I have reached out to parts of all my family and let myself be very open and transparent. This has brought down a few walls and has left me vulnerable and yet stronger.

All these have had the same effect on my psyche. I have been healing and cracks are getting smaller that and less fragmented (see earlier post). Reaching out and setting limits and knowing that you are worthy of more than your internal critic gives you credit for is an amazing discovery.

I think this next birthday year will be a stellar year and I will see myself doing some new and exciting things. I have some of the most amazing support in this world. People who let me be me and don’t care if I am too anything. That is the way it should be…My story is far from over and in some regards I feel it is just beginning.

I can still be YOUR damaged one but I know now that I am not Damaged …. I am healing and phoenixing…