I is for Identity

What is an identity?

Well the dictionary states:

Condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is; the qualities, beliefs, etc., that distinguish or identify a person or thing:

Identity seems like a simple thing. You are X, Y, or Z. In reality this is oversimplification. The issue with Identity is that parts of our being are not obvious. People in our day to day world make assumptions about who we are and what makes us tick. The fallout of these assumptions is damaging. In essence, you discount the character, as well as, struggles a person has had to overcome to get the place the current you see them standing.

In light of the several factors that have occurred recently in my life I have been frustrated by assumptions of my own identity. It goes to show that we should never think we know about a person’s identity; what is even deeper in our soul and not just skin deep.

In most cases, we are all truly fighting a battle most don’t know. I recently learned that almost 19% of people suffer some form of mental illness. How staggering is this? It surprises me that it I grew up thinking that it was a rarity.

Here are few parts of my identity:

I am Michael Lee Howard:

I am a husband

I was born male and Identify as a queer person (some options only list gay but I feel that is too constrictive)

I feel that I can relate as a male and female. I feel at home with both sexes and feel that I can support and be open to learning all sides of the coin of gender.

I am HIV positive and have been since 2005

I believe in a Higher Power and the power of spiritual energy. I call myself a spiritual Christian and believe that both can exists simultaneously.

I am a son to many parents (3 fathers and 2 mothers) and a brother to 3 brothers and 2 sisters

I am a highly sensitive person and feel very deeply. I can sense energy around me.

I have suffered with depression all my life and recently diagnosed with borderline bipolar disorder.

I try to always find the good in people.

I am a people pleaser and a recovering co-dependent.

I have body issues and struggle to be ok with my body and the way it looks.

I have suffered and working through trauma that has existed in various aspects of my life.

I am introverted extrovert.

I am a musician and actor at heart that never realized my dream. It is still hard to not wish I was on stage at concerts.

I talk too much when nervous and then question if I made myself seem a fool

I love superheroes and the idea that we all could have superhuman powers.

I love to laugh.

I am middle age now and the fact that I am losing my hair makes me feel ugly

I am an adventurer, I love to try something new I even started running because of it.

I look like my grandfather, who was gay and had HIV

I am overweight and can’t seem to lose these last 15-20 pounds

I feel lost often

I know in my heart of heart life is good.

These are core parts of me and who I am and do not questions these parts of me.