Q is for Quiet

I get anxiety easily.

There is some part of me that, as I have aged, I continue to get anxiety at the most in opportune moments. It will strike when I wake up. when giving a presentation, even when going to a gathering.

The truth is I work through what is commonly known as imposter syndrome. For those not familiar imposter syndrome is "is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud." My anxiety has led me down a path of feeling less than and I tend to over compensate by being highly obnoxious and overly loud. It is my way of being outgoing but i struggle with balance.

I often put on my "game face" and seem super happy. Years of retail taught me how to put on this face. I am able to turn the volume on to 11. For those few out there that have never worked in retail there is a lot of smiling and "may I help you", "oh not a problem", "we can definitely help with that". I would suggest a lot of the art of being excellent with customer service has been lost since I worked retail.

Part of the willingness to assist people is truly how I am and how I feel. Though, I am normal volume 7-8 in those daily moments where in public I am that 11. I think I learned early on that if I was going to make myself feel important or feel acknowledged I had to be loud. I grew up in a family that I was not born into. A part of me needed to be loud to feel like I was being heard.

I remember my grandparents getting their first camcorder. I was in elementary school and it was a huge bulky thing that was connected to the TV by a cord. I would ham it up for the camera often. I even was given a tape from my Grandma years ago and I was showing off for the camera all the time. My brother was the opposite and would do all he could to hide under tables or around doorways. I was in third grade picked randomly to be in the school Christmas production as the MC. I hosted with a girl Michelle and she I hated each other. I think a lot of it was were competing for the spotlight.

Later in life with my first partner we had broken up, gotten back together and in the midst of a final break up he turned to me and said
"you know why you and I never work, right?"
I shook my head not honestly knowing.
"we both want the spotlight and that cannot work with two people wanting to be the stars"

I was in bands and sang in a karaoke bar a few times a week and even was dubbed the nickname :the songbird". The something changed. My anxiety got worse and I felt like I was faking my way through it all. Hell sometimes even blogging gives me that feeling. As if anything I have to say is unimportant and no one cares what I am writing, especially in a day where everyone has a blog (though I have been blogging back before it was cool).

Now I find that I spend time recovering from being "on". It is as if the energy I expend is so intense I need to have quiet. Lately, this quiet has made me reflect on where I want to be. I am not sure anymore where I feel my calling as it relates to my future. I miss being on stage whether it be singing or acting. I miss being the star sometimes. I just know the down side - the quiet- is sometimes very hard to find.