Q is for Quiet

I get anxiety easily.

There is some part of me that, as I have aged, I continue to get anxiety at the most in opportune moments. It will strike when I wake up. when giving a presentation, even when going to a gathering.

The truth is I work through what is commonly known as imposter syndrome. For those not familiar imposter syndrome is "is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud." My anxiety has led me down a path of feeling less than and I tend to over compensate by being highly obnoxious and overly loud. It is my way of being outgoing but i struggle with balance.

I often put on my "game face" and seem super happy. Years of retail taught me how to put on this face. I am able to turn the volume on to 11. For those few out there that have never worked in retail there is a lot of smiling and "may I help you", "oh not a problem", "we can definitely help with that". I would suggest a lot of the art of being excellent with customer service has been lost since I worked retail.

Part of the willingness to assist people is truly how I am and how I feel. Though, I am normal volume 7-8 in those daily moments where in public I am that 11. I think I learned early on that if I was going to make myself feel important or feel acknowledged I had to be loud. I grew up in a family that I was not born into. A part of me needed to be loud to feel like I was being heard.

I remember my grandparents getting their first camcorder. I was in elementary school and it was a huge bulky thing that was connected to the TV by a cord. I would ham it up for the camera often. I even was given a tape from my Grandma years ago and I was showing off for the camera all the time. My brother was the opposite and would do all he could to hide under tables or around doorways. I was in third grade picked randomly to be in the school Christmas production as the MC. I hosted with a girl Michelle and she I hated each other. I think a lot of it was were competing for the spotlight.

Later in life with my first partner we had broken up, gotten back together and in the midst of a final break up he turned to me and said
"you know why you and I never work, right?"
I shook my head not honestly knowing.
"we both want the spotlight and that cannot work with two people wanting to be the stars"

I was in bands and sang in a karaoke bar a few times a week and even was dubbed the nickname :the songbird". The something changed. My anxiety got worse and I felt like I was faking my way through it all. Hell sometimes even blogging gives me that feeling. As if anything I have to say is unimportant and no one cares what I am writing, especially in a day where everyone has a blog (though I have been blogging back before it was cool).

Now I find that I spend time recovering from being "on". It is as if the energy I expend is so intense I need to have quiet. Lately, this quiet has made me reflect on where I want to be. I am not sure anymore where I feel my calling as it relates to my future. I miss being on stage whether it be singing or acting. I miss being the star sometimes. I just know the down side - the quiet- is sometimes very hard to find.

P is for Politics

I am not one to talk openly about politics. The reason has always been that it is a heated topic and I do not want to be the one that says the wrong thing in the room and get the stare down. I wasn't super educated on the topic of politics honestly.

A lot of that changed in 2008. I was worried about the state of the world and where we were going. We walked out of a era of challenging times in the economic, political, and human based landscape. Then a man came out of the woodwork and entered the arena.

Barack Obama walked into the Oval Office with a sense of grace that I had not seen in my years of being alive. He had been raised with little money. He had a family that were accessible and down to earth. They were real people who understood what it was like to come from meager beginnings and build themselves a new life and world. I felt that when he made decisions that he really had the people best interests at heart.

I knew that a president doesn't get more than two terms but part of me could see having Obama stay our president for longer. Unfortunately, 2016 came and wooshed that all away. I am so challenged with our political landscape at this time.

The day of the elections, I watched as the number on the map slowly turned more and more red. Each red state crushed me a bit more inside. Then the announcement that Trump won made me numb. I could not believe what I was seeing and living. It was like watching a movie that I didn't subscribe.

I work in a non-profit organization. The weight of the election took a serious toll on our entire staff. I tried to stay quiet and be the support for everyone around me. I have always considered myself open minded and I can hear all sides of stories. I do not believe that every decision that Obama's administration made was the right move but at least during the previous 8 years I felt as I mattered and that I was being supported as a person.

In the previous administration I was able to get married to the man that I love, I was able to not be discriminated at any job I work at based in my sexual orientation or disabilities. I was able to know that if something ever happened to our insurance I would have a back up plan. I was able to see my Trans friends and coworkers have more rights and be able to seek care. I was able to live and not in fear.

I am now scared. We elected a man that has a reputation for being a bully, a chauvinist, and poor business man. He has stolen from the poor and gotten rich. I feel we have just taught young people that it is ok to be a bully and get ahead. I fear for people around me and their rights. I am already seeing the new administration running wild and people are already on the path to losing healthcare.

I feel like we elected someone that is so naive and that will give the people that run things more power to change things that will hurt the public.

All I can do is open my heart and be able to accept love and to work to keep and open mind and learn to speak out every chance I can when I see hate or injustices. I know the next 4 years will be so hard but I will keep my head up high and continue to learn what I can do in order to be the change I want to happen.

O is for Original

2016 has been replaced by 2017. There is a glimmer of new ideas and thought. Yet I am having a hard time letting go. I have been trying to wrap myself around why 2016 was so hard. Here is a few reasons:















George Michael:
When I was 13, I was perusing the local library and saw the cover of Rolling Stone. It was George Michael. I know the first few singles from Faith and was wanting to know more. I love this quote from him:"I really think that anyone who doesn't like anything on my new album has no right to say they like pop music," he says matter-of-factly. "If you can listen to this album and not like anything on it, then you do not like pop music."I took that as a challenge and saved up to buy Faith. I fell in love and realized I was a POP fan. Over the years he recorded a mass of Pop, Jazz, and Dance tunes. He was an original who never gave up on creating a sound uniquely him. Many tried to imitate his "blue eyed, white soul sound" and most failed. I worked hard in those years to imitate his style and vocal tricks. One of my favorite songs ever is Waiting (reprise) from his "listen without prejudice album". I spend hours singing this song and learning to hit each note. I will miss having him in this world. Thank you for the gift you brought to the world, 

Carrie Fisher/Debbie Reynolds:
There have been countless posts about both of these. Debbie Reynolds was an original in Hollywood. An "It Girl" who weathered heartbreak, loss, and life lessons. Yet, maintained a sense of style and grace up until the end. Carrie Fisher was a my first "locker crush" (the celeb you put up in your school locker). I remember watching all the Star Wars movies on repeat. As much as I liked Luke Skywalker, I always had a place in my heart for Princess Leia. She was powerful and from the moment she was on the screen she never took flack from anyone. Through the years Carrie started to speak about her drug abuse, mental health challenges, and unique life with a candor that I admired. She never shied away from being a bit goofy in interviews and yet made each topic seem so relevant. Everyone should check out her Wishful Drinking HBO Special.
Thank you for all you brought to the world.

Alexis Arquette:
Most people recognized Alexis from their role in "The Wedding Singer". But more than that Alexis was one of the first openly Trans people in Hollywood. This is quite a statement considering they came from a very known family. The Arquette's though never publicly denied their sibling and was always supportive from all the media that I saw. Alexis hosted shows and played roles in film. They were a pioneer in the world of movies and LGBTQ+.

Prince:
Prince began his recording career at the age 17 but previous to that he was born with epilepsy and told his mom at 5 that angels told him he wouldn't have it anymore. He also could play at least 27 instruments ( some accounts say over 40) and basically played all the music on his first 5 albums by himself. In the 37 years that Prince recorded music he released a total of 39 studio albums, 5 Soundtracks, 5 Compilations, and 12 EPs. This doesn't include the 1000's of songs that are locked in his vault. He was a pioneer and showed the world a sound that was unlike anything we had known. It is hard to imagine a world where Prince isn't releasing an internet album or that he won't pop in a town and surprise everyone with a secret concert.

David Bowie:
Lastly I could not get through the recap of originals without pointing out David Bowie. In a career that spanned decades and many incarnations David Bowie recorded over 25 albums, 9 live albums and 6 EP's. In an era of unknown territory, musically, the man from Mars drifted into the music consciousness and created multiple personalities that spanned space and time. Before Madonna (Dita), Tori Amos (The American Doll Posse), Beyonce (Sasha Fierce), Prince (Camille), Garth Brooks (Chris Gaines), David Bowie birthed Ziggy Stardust and then killed him off. Then he created the Great White Duke, Aladdin Sane and Major Tom. An original genius. As a final chapter he detailed the end of David Bowie himself. The video for Lazarus is beautiful, devastating, and disturbing all at the same time.

There were more originals we lost in 2016. I would like to think as they passed that we all were able t to take some of that originality and genius and become part of that. I am sure that it was time to have a huge celestial party last year and that it will be an event for the ages.

I hope less losses happen in 2017 but for now I will still keep these originals close to my heart and learn from their example.