thankful starts

I have been bad about blogging as of late still... i think i feel i have little to say of importance that hasn't been repeated in previous writings... lots of stagnation ... sorta LOL ...

The urge to move is so strong .... these darn leases just mess everything all up... I have decided though that I plan to move at some point to Portland when the time is right to be closer to Jacob. The truth is that I have wanted to move to Portland for a long time ... life is so strange how pieces fall into place the way they are supposed to in the right time...

Jacob and i are doing amazing... i honestly felt that i would never connect with anyone the way I do with him... the moment i gave up there he was... i still wake up everyday expecting the dream to end ... it hasn't yet and I honestly don't think that it will... my search is over... no more looking over my shoulder ... no more wondering if it was the right person or the right place and time ... for once I know that it is RIGHT.

Lately I have been feeling some off energy ... I think part of it was the heat (Seattle had a recording breaking heat wave)...could be my new found happiness and people don't know how to react.... I truly found an internal happiness....

The only down side has been some odd health things.... a few weeks ago i started having some odd pains in my lower right abdomen ...the pain was so intense it warranted a trip to the ER. That in turn warranted a colonoscopy... well all said and done so far not sure what it is... the last couple ideas may be med related or possibly scar related....

the thing is that it has seriously made Jacob and i closer ... he has shown so much caring and it amazing me the love he shows so regularly ... i am definitely enjoying and putting myself in a place of peace and good energy still... that has meant still cutting some ties and honestly that means little is lost if it is negative... i care too much about myself to let my heart and soul break...

Family has been on my mind lately and I miss them a lot ... i have come to the realization that my brother and his family will never truly accept me for all that I am ... I still have my mom and other brothers and my sister to nurture... it hurts to always feel like i have to be the one to nurture the relationship with my brother and that I may never get to be the uncle i want ... but when it comes down to it ... that isnt my fault... i am being true to who I am ...

the truth is i am finding happiness and its on my terms... that has taken time but thank god for that and the support that I DO have...

my life is just starting and i feel it all around me ...