Phoenix Flight

The last couple weeks have been filled with tears, joy, closeness and a sense of change that things won't and can't be the same ever again...

Last night I lost the fight at feeling younger than my actual age, It has hit me so much the past two weeks just what time holds as we get older. I am finding the shortnes and reality of life making me appreciate so much everyday ...

A couple weeks ago Jacob lost his father very unexpectantly. The jolt that hit Jacob is one that it so hard to even imagine. The emotional rollercoaster that he is on has been a challenge for his family ... in particular his mom. They were married for 38 years. I cant imagine the pain that she is going through. To lose your best freind of most of your life...

The one thing that the whole experience has definitaley shown me is that life is precious and so very fragile. The past four years already showed me this but not as much so as the past two weeks.

FALL is slowly and I am finding time to really stretch my mind and see what I have been doing with the past year and what I plan to do with my life. I have been "soul searching" for long enough. I plan to take the next few days and set a plan in motion.

The biggest endeavours of these will be to spend some time writing "The Letter Project". This will be my life story as I have planned for a while now. The challenge part is that I write all my work by hand and not on a computer.

The next will be spending more time alone learning and ingesting my Guitar and keyboard. I am very comfortable writing the words and the thoughts... the instrumentation skill is what i feel lacking in...

The hardest part as of late is the dichotomous nature that I feel. I know that if I didnt have a lease to uphold that I would so be in Portland and being closer to Jacob. I am glad we are taking time but honestly it has been hard.

I fel as if I have started an amazing and wonderful journey with such an amazing soul and yet I am here in seattle going through all the motions waiting to get the chance to be with my love. Especially during this hard time with the passing of his father. I have honestly started to look at what I can cut back and what I can continue to maintain.

I treasure each moment I have with Jacob. I was talking to him last night and confessed that I have waited my whole life for this. That I have never felt like I could be so unabashedly me. With him I feel safe and protected. I know that for once I have found healthy and good. I have found a glimpse of heaven. I want to be able to say that I am still with my best freind and my lover in 30+ years.

I have finally found true love and all that comes with it. I intend to show what other love I have for my writing, music, and photography. I am feeling it like a deep seeded entity inside me waiting to branch out is about to burst. I am taking the three days off this weekend to create... to nurture the love I have within me.

I am so very thankful the past couple weeks... to my amazing family that continously shows me the extreme love they have for me... for the good and kind hearted freinds that show me so many blessings through their enrichment of my own personal development while I watch their growth... I am thankful for Dutchess who has such an amazing love for life ...

Most importantly I am thankful for Jacob... for showing me more love than I ever thought possible... for showing me that there is a saving grace and kindness that is unlike anything that... for inspiring me and showing me the signal that is ahead ... a roadmap to my future... you are loved and i am so thankful you are in my life...

This PHOENIX is ready for flight!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blogging (Michael Style)

I started blogging years ago. I remember it very well. My JessieGirl got me started on livejournal. Back in that day you had to have a code to sign up on LJ and you would have to know someoone just to get started blogging. Jessica convinced me i should do this and that it would be very therapeautic. It was very elite-ish at the time, but i though how nice it would be to just track my daily life. It would also keep me and the few poeple I know in touch.


The truth is I have been writing since I was very young. I started my first idea for writing a song when I was in 3rd grade. I was walking into the woods near my home and humming to myself. The words appeared very quickly ... ("There's a bit of wolf inside us/trying to get out/get out it must... a bit of wolf inside of us/ and getting out is the key objective") ... for a third grader how wise to use the word objective in a lyric. I titled the song a Bit Of Wolf. I was so proud of myself and i wrote the lyrics down.

That began what would end up being a start of a very creative stride. Between that point and 8th grade i had written melodies and lyrics to well over 150 songs. I loved learning song structure tearing it down and rebuilding in a way that was my own unique brand of writing. The lyrics didnt stray far from my own existance. Even at that age i wrote in a dark and brooding artist kind of way.

By the time i started my first blog (under the screenname of Musiklovr3 http://musiklovr3.livejournal.com/) on live journal I thought of myself as a very good writer. My first post was in September of 2003. Blogging started out with the simple idea of taking silly quizzes (at the time there were very limited amount of these tests) , writing daily activites and meeting others who were part of the "elite" blogging community that at that point was still on the verge of taking off. I remember so well telling poeple about blogging and everyone thought I was crazy to put my words out there so openly. The funny thing is looking back I wasnt that open with the deeper stuff in me.

I am thankful for those early days of LJ. I met some amazing poeple a couple that have helped shape my life, probably the most important was Ducky. I met him via a Cure LJ Community and we met in seattle and hit it off right away. Over the years Ducky and I have grown to be not only amazing freinds, musical partners, but also been able to witness and supportive the amazing growth we have both endured.

The other thing it did was open my world up to people who lived not only close but far away ... even australia... my sweet Noah lived there . He and i would talk in the wee hours of my insomnia. He was a young guy when i met him leaving the second bout cancer and soon to enter the third bout that sadly from what it looks claimed his life. Not to mention amazing people like Tomas, Ray, Jason and a host of others i still communicate with to this day.

Time changed a bit and that is when I made the conscience decision to start anew and build onto the next stage of my development. That took place Sept 5th 2005. I then started the journal under the name of Michaelman333 (http://michaelman333.livejournal.com/).

Little did I know how this would slowly bring me out of my shell as a writer and a how my approach would change with the news of my diagnosis, an abusive relatonship, moving back home to Spokane and then my return to Seattle. Followed by abusive roommates, and a massive bought of depression. The strength that came out of that round of two years caused me to re-evaluate so much. That is when i started my journey as "The PhoenixReborn". It was at out of the ashes that the new me was formed. I wasn't the same after that two year struggle for my identity.

Nov 24 th 2007 started the new chapter. That is when I started the journal labeled simply aphoenixreborn (http://aphoenixreborn.livejournal.com/). Starting this phase of my life I opened myself up in a way I never thought possible. The truth is I decided to live my life very openly. I was less cryptic, less everyday banter and more about what was deep in my heart and soul. This has opened me up in a way I never planned or intended at all.

My journey through the darkness I had enveloped myself in over the 33 years of time on this floating blue planet began. The time had elapsed and opened up and I found myself in a mode for the most amazing place of self discovery imaginable. I have found myself slowing writing more and more in a deeper more thought out mode. It is amazing ...

My journey in blogging started out very simply writing my silly thoughts now i find it is has help in my growth and survival. I have found that it has not only made me look deeper into me than I ever imagined but i have been able to increase my ability to write. In an age where blogging seems so everyday I am thankful for the ability to be so open and honest in my life.

I am learning there is a danger of being very surfacely open in todays time and age... it is a funny thing.

thankful starts

I have been bad about blogging as of late still... i think i feel i have little to say of importance that hasn't been repeated in previous writings... lots of stagnation ... sorta LOL ...

The urge to move is so strong .... these darn leases just mess everything all up... I have decided though that I plan to move at some point to Portland when the time is right to be closer to Jacob. The truth is that I have wanted to move to Portland for a long time ... life is so strange how pieces fall into place the way they are supposed to in the right time...

Jacob and i are doing amazing... i honestly felt that i would never connect with anyone the way I do with him... the moment i gave up there he was... i still wake up everyday expecting the dream to end ... it hasn't yet and I honestly don't think that it will... my search is over... no more looking over my shoulder ... no more wondering if it was the right person or the right place and time ... for once I know that it is RIGHT.

Lately I have been feeling some off energy ... I think part of it was the heat (Seattle had a recording breaking heat wave)...could be my new found happiness and people don't know how to react.... I truly found an internal happiness....

The only down side has been some odd health things.... a few weeks ago i started having some odd pains in my lower right abdomen ...the pain was so intense it warranted a trip to the ER. That in turn warranted a colonoscopy... well all said and done so far not sure what it is... the last couple ideas may be med related or possibly scar related....

the thing is that it has seriously made Jacob and i closer ... he has shown so much caring and it amazing me the love he shows so regularly ... i am definitely enjoying and putting myself in a place of peace and good energy still... that has meant still cutting some ties and honestly that means little is lost if it is negative... i care too much about myself to let my heart and soul break...

Family has been on my mind lately and I miss them a lot ... i have come to the realization that my brother and his family will never truly accept me for all that I am ... I still have my mom and other brothers and my sister to nurture... it hurts to always feel like i have to be the one to nurture the relationship with my brother and that I may never get to be the uncle i want ... but when it comes down to it ... that isnt my fault... i am being true to who I am ...

the truth is i am finding happiness and its on my terms... that has taken time but thank god for that and the support that I DO have...

my life is just starting and i feel it all around me ...