For some reason this blog entry has been written about 10 times and it is one of the hardest ones I have written in a long while... I am not really sure why though.
There is something to be said of being in a safe and healthy space. On another step I have stepped out of the social networking social a bit as well. I was realizing that I was getting so sucked into the world of non one on one people.
There is so many things that happen when you step forward and are in a health place. The first thing that happens is that many many emotions bubble up to the surface. I have notice a certain melancholy setting ...Made me start to think a lot about loss and the idea that sometimes we lose things we want but don't even have. I have regrets but I am finding most of the regrets I have are ones out of my control.
Family in particular has been on my mind a lot.
I thought that when I moved I would be getting to know my sister better. Instead she has taken up excuses to hide away from the world. I really wanted a chance to be closer to my neice and nephews and her. She has pushed me out of her life with no reason or excuse.
My mom was here and we had a great visit (albeit a short one). The day showed how much we have grown as adults and in our freindship. The day she left I was filled with a sadness and a bit of anger. She was off to see my brother in Seattle area. I know a large part is due to the fact that my Mom wanted to spend Easter with my nephew. In true fashion my brother is a mess. He refuses to admit that he is in pain and pretends the past never existed. His wife plays along and they live in a world where it is better that I step away. I have only seen Kolton a handful of times in 3 years. Not from lack of trying but from the distance that my brother holds me back.
I am still angry at him a bit for not being at my Grandfathers funeral. I mean it was not like our family is huge. He seems to stay away unless it is something that is non-committal or energy spending. I sometimes wish i could throw away my memories like that and live in that space. I can't seems to let go of the memories sometimes that I laugh about and let sit in my head.
It made me so upset to think about loss and that there sometimes seems so much more loss then there is found. I still find it so unfair that Jacob had to lose his dad. I want to take the pain away and I can't. Upon moving I have lost something as well as I find my own. I have lost the sense of friendships that I though were more than they really were. I have been pushed away by people, which i suppose is normal for when people move... it happens and you slowly let it go...
Portland is good to me in many ways but the odd work hours and lack of knowing how to make friendships make it suck. I think that is why I have turned so much to social networking. I though I would have more time to get out and play or hear music. I haven't been able to since I moved and I even missed some great shows due to my work schedule. Now my schedule is making me miss my sweet Jacob since we have opposite schedules and finding times seems like a challenge and lack of sleep for one of us.
I really know that I want to do more to help people but sadly there isn't a job that is out there that says ... have a great heart, good friend, able to educate... I will be looking in the time... but I know that I really want to grow creatively but not sure where to go with it. I have been looking at schooling but still not sure what I want to do ... that has opened up a few insecurities in me about my work worth. I know that sounds a bit silly too.
I have decided to look into taking guitar lessons and maybe piano lessons as well. I will continues writing and moving forward and dealing with my emotions ... thank goodness I am in a safe place now...
I am also thinking of a whole new book idea. My partner inspired me and I am working through ideas and have to plan for this one and will see what it brings :)
The truth is that at this moment I am in a place of strange "loneliness" (for lack of a better word)... I am trying to find my place that in the world and not sure where I fit in anymore. I know that I am loved but I guess i am wishing for connections in more of the music world, and with certain parts of my family. I think it is true that you sometimes want to have what you can't have. I don't think that my requests are all that crazy and out of order but apparently people need to be in their own space ...
This is my random post that may not make a lot of sense but I have just been so scattered and hope to soon return to the my better head space...
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Michael reading your post, in particular the part about your brother's choice not to attend your grandfather's funeral. My father didn't attend his mother's funeral because they weren't close. It was a difficult choice for him to make, more because he was afraid of the perception of others, not because he knew he didn't want to go. It wasn't until my great grandmother said to him "If you don't feel anything don't go. There will be plenty of funerals for people that you did feel something for to go to don't pretend to feel something when you don't." I don't know your brother's reason for not going but whatever it was is personal and you may want to accept that and let it go. If it was avoidance of the family and he did have feelings for your grandfather then he will have to deal with that in time. If it was because he didn't feel anything then it is his right to make that choice. It's his right either way. As someone who has in the past chosen to distance myself from my family it is a hard route to take as a person. I have recently in the last few years grown close to my family which I never thought to be possible and regret the years that I wasn't. That is my past and I can't change it. Maybe some day he will decide that he wants to reach out and rejoin the family but just let him be what he needs to be right now. You are an amazing individual and he is missing out by not including you in his life and he will punish himself enough when he comes to that realization on his own but there is no way to force that realization from the outside and if you try it will only exacerbate the situation. At least that is my personal experience.
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