Waking up...

I had a the oddest dreams the other night, though anyone who knows me at all knows I am prone to odd dreams in general.

This particular dream was an ongoing dream that lasted all night... Throughout the dream different people that I have dated came to try and "win" me back. In each dream situation they would be in some random place and see me and tell me that they wanted me and in each time I told the person that I was taken and I would not trade that for the world. They hugged me and said they were happy to hear that and drifted away. It was an odd night but comforting in many ways.

I have been reading a lot lately too, especially on the look out for new energy and inspiration. I read a book by one of my favorite singers called "Amy Grant: Mosaic"(http://www.amazon.com/Mosaic-Pieces-My-Life-Far/dp/0767929675/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274583002&sr=1-1). I have also been reading more news and searching out articles with a more inspiring mode.

I feel like since I was diagnosed my biggest struggle has been to gain something back that I am not even sure I had much to begin with. I was never one to think very highly of who I am or even that what I had to saw was important. A lot goes back to when I was child and raised in a more "children were seen and not heard" frame of mind in company. I spent a great deal of time feeling so awkward growing up that I craved the time when I could hide in my room reading or just feeling that was my safest place at home.

It wasn't until I was writing and performing music with a band that I felt a sense of confidence but something still stood in my way. I realized much later it was that I was gay and coming out could mean (at least in my mind) in the 90's music career suicide. Not that I was a big time artist but I wanted to be. At that stage it was not common to be an out gay singer.

I wasn't one to go out of my way to bring attention to myself. In relationships (platonic and romantic) I would tend to be the more reserved one went after people who had more gregarious and external. This pattern being with others around me that pushed down my "flame" and becoming complacent with my insecurities continued til after my diagnosis.

It was the moment that I was in the midst of a more violent relationship then even I have ever shared when I had an epiphany of sorts. It was very shortly after that I dug myself into the deepest and heart/gut wrenching therapy. I drudged up things that I have rarely, if ever talked to anyone about ... in the midst of the therapy something up... I changed it was a very very slow climb but it was happening.

Moment by moment, day by day I started breaking away from my shell and my I was burning all my insecurities to the ground and I was slowly being reborn and it was very cleansing and exciting. When my healing really was apparent to me was meeting Jacob and knowing that I was in a healthy relationship.

I have notice lately that I have finding so many thing inspiring to me and it hit me that I am learning that it is time to take on so many things and I am a strange point of taking a bit of my own inventory (forgive this "normy" taking on the 12 step wording).

I recently applied for a position for a job with our local HIV organization. Putting it together I realized how much I have accomplished in this life that I constantly questioned my worth. I feel so confidant about this job and my skills. Being with Jacob adds my confidence that I am on the right track.

Sitting here thinking about that dream that I had the other day I realize that is a part of my subconscious telling me that it is time to not hide from ANYTHING I want anymore and to keep working on the things that I love and that inspire me. The only person all this time that has held me down is myself and I am not going to let that monster of insecurity eat me up anymore.

Time to keep this phoenix flying onward ... I am so excited to see where it is all taking me and so excited to have the passengers on the ride with me