I had a friend that was once just was obsessed with the news... he would be online only on CNN or TV was alwasy CNN, CSPAN or some type of news program.
I always chose to stay slightly in the dark about alot of the news holding tight to the thought that it was all so negative and not much positive. Recently thought that has changed as I have more time it seems to watch more news and more access (i.e. iPhone apps) and I read news daily on the Max ride into work.
I am finding a trend the more I watch, live and learn about the world around me. I am so worried about relationships and how they are set up in the society we live in.
Last night, after a particularly bad day and even worse night I biked home, made our lunches for today and chose to sit and watch some Oprah... she will cheer me up right.... NOPE.... Oprah's guest was Melissa Etheridge. She was on the show to talk about her break up with her wife of 9 years and I just started to cry.
Now I know that Melissa is a celebrity and a person like us all... but she made a statement about being gay and believing in marriage and being married twice. Then went on to say they grew apart with different paths... yet they both wanted to be parents and work and such... I then thought well I will watch Millionaire Matchmaker instead and one I realized why I love the host of the show Patti Stanger.
She has it going on about marriage and the rules of relationships ... You know she said she believes we all have many soul mates but only one life-mate. I loved that it made me smile ... I realized I am frustrated with Media... all we hear about in response to relationships is break ups and cheating.
It would lead people to think that relationships such as Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Larry King, Melissa Etheridge, and other examples to the world are the norm ... we honestly should take a vault and start talking about the success of marriage. I look at people like Jacob's parents who were together for 40 years, My parents who have been together for almost 20 years, My grandparents who were together 60 years...
It is hard to be constantly bombarded by a society hell bent on the negative. I try so hard to not see it but it is really everywhere... so much pain and so much loss... i can't imagine what it would be like to be the gay couple together for 20 years and yet treated so horrible in CA. Shouldn't we have been celebrating the two decades they worked on the relationship.
The truth is that we all need to work away from the sarcasm, negativity and cold-heartedness and try to find a peace and a love that is there if we look ... we focus on faults, or what we perceive to be right and wrong... your too gay, too fat, too old, too happy, too sad, too hairy etc...
Why cant we just BE... and know we are trying to figure out our lives ... the truth is that we take relationships for granted... I see too many people hurting others with the change of a status on FB and such just cause they had a fight and now change to say they are single only to change it back when the fight is over... That is celebrating drama and not strengthening the bonds of a relationship.
No wonder the the world at large can't decide on Gay Marriage or rights or anything... we focus too much on the celebrities that all they are is famous for the sake of being famous...
I have a domestic partner that I love and cherish... and one day we will have a ceremony and I plan to be around in two, three, hell even four decades from now and plan to have him by my side and knowing that we worked through the rough time and didn't give up ... I hope that in the years that will be celebrated and not the bad relationships ...
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Delving In...
For some reason this blog entry has been written about 10 times and it is one of the hardest ones I have written in a long while... I am not really sure why though.
There is something to be said of being in a safe and healthy space. On another step I have stepped out of the social networking social a bit as well. I was realizing that I was getting so sucked into the world of non one on one people.
There is so many things that happen when you step forward and are in a health place. The first thing that happens is that many many emotions bubble up to the surface. I have notice a certain melancholy setting ...Made me start to think a lot about loss and the idea that sometimes we lose things we want but don't even have. I have regrets but I am finding most of the regrets I have are ones out of my control.
Family in particular has been on my mind a lot.
I thought that when I moved I would be getting to know my sister better. Instead she has taken up excuses to hide away from the world. I really wanted a chance to be closer to my neice and nephews and her. She has pushed me out of her life with no reason or excuse.
My mom was here and we had a great visit (albeit a short one). The day showed how much we have grown as adults and in our freindship. The day she left I was filled with a sadness and a bit of anger. She was off to see my brother in Seattle area. I know a large part is due to the fact that my Mom wanted to spend Easter with my nephew. In true fashion my brother is a mess. He refuses to admit that he is in pain and pretends the past never existed. His wife plays along and they live in a world where it is better that I step away. I have only seen Kolton a handful of times in 3 years. Not from lack of trying but from the distance that my brother holds me back.
I am still angry at him a bit for not being at my Grandfathers funeral. I mean it was not like our family is huge. He seems to stay away unless it is something that is non-committal or energy spending. I sometimes wish i could throw away my memories like that and live in that space. I can't seems to let go of the memories sometimes that I laugh about and let sit in my head.
It made me so upset to think about loss and that there sometimes seems so much more loss then there is found. I still find it so unfair that Jacob had to lose his dad. I want to take the pain away and I can't. Upon moving I have lost something as well as I find my own. I have lost the sense of friendships that I though were more than they really were. I have been pushed away by people, which i suppose is normal for when people move... it happens and you slowly let it go...
Portland is good to me in many ways but the odd work hours and lack of knowing how to make friendships make it suck. I think that is why I have turned so much to social networking. I though I would have more time to get out and play or hear music. I haven't been able to since I moved and I even missed some great shows due to my work schedule. Now my schedule is making me miss my sweet Jacob since we have opposite schedules and finding times seems like a challenge and lack of sleep for one of us.
I really know that I want to do more to help people but sadly there isn't a job that is out there that says ... have a great heart, good friend, able to educate... I will be looking in the time... but I know that I really want to grow creatively but not sure where to go with it. I have been looking at schooling but still not sure what I want to do ... that has opened up a few insecurities in me about my work worth. I know that sounds a bit silly too.
I have decided to look into taking guitar lessons and maybe piano lessons as well. I will continues writing and moving forward and dealing with my emotions ... thank goodness I am in a safe place now...
I am also thinking of a whole new book idea. My partner inspired me and I am working through ideas and have to plan for this one and will see what it brings :)
The truth is that at this moment I am in a place of strange "loneliness" (for lack of a better word)... I am trying to find my place that in the world and not sure where I fit in anymore. I know that I am loved but I guess i am wishing for connections in more of the music world, and with certain parts of my family. I think it is true that you sometimes want to have what you can't have. I don't think that my requests are all that crazy and out of order but apparently people need to be in their own space ...
This is my random post that may not make a lot of sense but I have just been so scattered and hope to soon return to the my better head space...
There is something to be said of being in a safe and healthy space. On another step I have stepped out of the social networking social a bit as well. I was realizing that I was getting so sucked into the world of non one on one people.
There is so many things that happen when you step forward and are in a health place. The first thing that happens is that many many emotions bubble up to the surface. I have notice a certain melancholy setting ...Made me start to think a lot about loss and the idea that sometimes we lose things we want but don't even have. I have regrets but I am finding most of the regrets I have are ones out of my control.
Family in particular has been on my mind a lot.
I thought that when I moved I would be getting to know my sister better. Instead she has taken up excuses to hide away from the world. I really wanted a chance to be closer to my neice and nephews and her. She has pushed me out of her life with no reason or excuse.
My mom was here and we had a great visit (albeit a short one). The day showed how much we have grown as adults and in our freindship. The day she left I was filled with a sadness and a bit of anger. She was off to see my brother in Seattle area. I know a large part is due to the fact that my Mom wanted to spend Easter with my nephew. In true fashion my brother is a mess. He refuses to admit that he is in pain and pretends the past never existed. His wife plays along and they live in a world where it is better that I step away. I have only seen Kolton a handful of times in 3 years. Not from lack of trying but from the distance that my brother holds me back.
I am still angry at him a bit for not being at my Grandfathers funeral. I mean it was not like our family is huge. He seems to stay away unless it is something that is non-committal or energy spending. I sometimes wish i could throw away my memories like that and live in that space. I can't seems to let go of the memories sometimes that I laugh about and let sit in my head.
It made me so upset to think about loss and that there sometimes seems so much more loss then there is found. I still find it so unfair that Jacob had to lose his dad. I want to take the pain away and I can't. Upon moving I have lost something as well as I find my own. I have lost the sense of friendships that I though were more than they really were. I have been pushed away by people, which i suppose is normal for when people move... it happens and you slowly let it go...
Portland is good to me in many ways but the odd work hours and lack of knowing how to make friendships make it suck. I think that is why I have turned so much to social networking. I though I would have more time to get out and play or hear music. I haven't been able to since I moved and I even missed some great shows due to my work schedule. Now my schedule is making me miss my sweet Jacob since we have opposite schedules and finding times seems like a challenge and lack of sleep for one of us.
I really know that I want to do more to help people but sadly there isn't a job that is out there that says ... have a great heart, good friend, able to educate... I will be looking in the time... but I know that I really want to grow creatively but not sure where to go with it. I have been looking at schooling but still not sure what I want to do ... that has opened up a few insecurities in me about my work worth. I know that sounds a bit silly too.
I have decided to look into taking guitar lessons and maybe piano lessons as well. I will continues writing and moving forward and dealing with my emotions ... thank goodness I am in a safe place now...
I am also thinking of a whole new book idea. My partner inspired me and I am working through ideas and have to plan for this one and will see what it brings :)
The truth is that at this moment I am in a place of strange "loneliness" (for lack of a better word)... I am trying to find my place that in the world and not sure where I fit in anymore. I know that I am loved but I guess i am wishing for connections in more of the music world, and with certain parts of my family. I think it is true that you sometimes want to have what you can't have. I don't think that my requests are all that crazy and out of order but apparently people need to be in their own space ...
This is my random post that may not make a lot of sense but I have just been so scattered and hope to soon return to the my better head space...
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