Transparent....

Sometimes breaking yourself open and exposing yourself has a freeing quality to itself.



I have spent the better part of my life so scared to look at and even accept the past that I have was painful and traumatic. There is a part of me that tends to still think about how I could have changed the pain.



The truth is I am not a perfect human being but a few weeks ago in the moment of self reflection (Oddly this usually happens in one of two places: The shower-- I blame it on being made clean and you are so vulnerable and when I am on the MAX (Portland’s Light rail system). I was hit with the idea that maybe it was just time to just own it.



Since then I have been feeling as if each moment should not be taken granted of, each relationship reflected upon, and my soul being nurtured. My partner likes to joke "when will your inner child just shut up". I sometimes feel as if being open and honest is the only true way to live.



I have mad e conscience decision at this stage of my life to live more transparent than I have in the past. I watch people I know that live the opposite. I watch my brother who is less than three years younger than me choose to run away from the past. He chooses to see the past as something that does not really exist anymore so it is irrelevant.



I personally feel that he is doing a disservice to not only his son and his wife (who constantly is trying to nap snippets of who he is with me) but the biggest disservice is to himself. If you cannot own your past and accept what made you who you are how can you truly grow and become your authentic self?



The best compliment that my partner has repeatedly told me is that he is proud of whom I am and proud of the person I stand for. He knows that I am just me and you know if that means dancing in a grocery store, talking too much or exposing myself and my tattoos on a national news network he trusts that what I am doing is the right decision.



I think what I am most proud of, at this stage, is that I am able to be my authentic self and to be able to remain transparent in a world that I feel is all to many times trying to put on a face and front in order to cover who they are. At this point in my life I feel I have nothing to lose.