all about how I’m feeling
Today’s all about me learning how,
how to receive How to receive, "
I started listening to the Newest Alanis album "Havoc and Bright Lights" the day that it came out. Aside from Jagged Little Pill (which I think is brilliant but overplayed at the time) I have purchased every Alanis Morissette the night it came out, It was always something cleansing as she and I are the same age, I felt I related to the stages she was at in her growth.
This one hit me hard as I have noticed a trend lately (ok I admit, most of my adult, ok well whole life) in sacrificing. I have been especially tender as I have watched so many relationships, whether it be romantic or friendships, reach limits and dissolve like a candle. Overused and melted until there is nothing left but the outside shell of beautiful but empty and devoid on the inside.
I began thinking... What was I do for myself though. Lord knows I have so many interests but I find that I base so much of what I do on the reactions from others. Or else I will not do something to avoid receiving the gifts I have inside myself.
That being said I started reaching in me and finding what it all boils down to.... RECEIVING, I am def one to give and care but I never let myself accept the gifts I have for myself. So I said screw it and I have been letting a lot more of myself go. I have to admit is a hard and challenging thing to do on my own terms.
I am thankful for my core of people in my life, I know that I could not be who I am without the love they show me, simple things like letting me be extremely dorky, letting me act like I am 12 years old, or not wanting to fill the air with worthless words.
A funny and odd thing happened that I did not expect, I started to find that I really am a good person. I like the music I listen to, I find that I enjoy the pictures I take, and I have started to share more in regards to my thoughts on religion, politics or general thoughts.
It has made me come to the conclusion that in order to truly be of service to anyone we must first be service to ourselves. Why make excuses for me being who I am... instead I am learning to embrace things like eating slow, having thinned hair, laughing loudest, dancing to music that isn't there, even having an "cup half full" mentality.
I am actually happier with the person that I have am now than I have ever been, whether it be age or just the sheer ability to learn to find something good in what I see around me...I have crossed that bridge to quote another Paula Cole "don't confuse positivity for naivety".