C is for Change

I grew up in constant change…. As a family, we went from home to home and took years to find our roots. The sad part is that as soon as we found our roots the tree tipped over and the roots were exposed and so weather worn we lost ourselves. I think it made me into a sort of nomad. I learned to adapt and make myself live through fires that burned so bright. In fact I moved 9 times between 2004 - 2006. My poor pup Dutchess was along for the ride and I think that she took on my nomadic mindset. It became such a way of life for me that I carried my hobo-esque lifestyle into my relationships. Staying in one place and creating a settlement for my heart, soul, life and security was never an option in my pre-therapeutic mind. In fact it all hit a point that I realized how ridiculous it was to always have to send updated addresses. Visiting with my mom in my 30's she opened her address book and under my name was my name Michael Howard so many times my name had been replaced by post it notes. That was the wake call I needed. After (what I now refer to) The Therapy Years, I worked on what I really needed and found that I was running away all these years from trauma and pain but mostly myself. That was when I decided to strive for some stability. Then I met Jacob and he had the same dream of safety and stability. Flash forward to six years and I now have what I never had before,.... Stability, security, a foundation. It is something that Jacob and I talk about a lot. We are careful with what energies we invite to our home. In fact home is so safe for me now that I was having a rough time a couple weeks ago and felt like I was going to just fall apart. I could not wait to get home to be able to breakdown, much to the dismay of my husband. We of course, recovered by going and having drinks at our fave watering hole. In February we went to visit my best friend in Seattle. Having been away from Seattle proper for 5 years, I was excited to see the area that I developed much of my own adult Independence. The visit hit me harder than I expected. Broadway district that used to be lined with life, vitality, happiness and the ultimate times of randomly running into people you know left and right was gone. In it's place was a gentrified landscape with half closed down blocks. The streets were empty. The bars and restaurants were no longer the picture in my head. We went to a bar that I used to go with my friend Steve and I felt a if his soul was saying that the time for reminiscing was done. We left Seattle on a Monday and I drove as my husband slept. Pandora was playing songs that were from the past few years. My brain started to wander and the seeds of this blog post popped in my head. Change.... they (whoever "they" are) say it is the only constant. For most of my life it was the more than that it was a way of life. My only existence was to live in change... to never stay still long enough to reach inside me and see who I truly am and create the transparency that I have now. I am thankful for change, as challenging as it is. I have learned that what I was craving all along was security and stability. Change brought it into my life and maybe this is the universes way of telling me not all changes are bad.