Disclosure

I remember the August 1998 night i was hanging with a group of freinds, as we finsihed a night of bowling and lauging and lots of goofiness. There was a nice guy there his name was Brian. Brian and I had exchanegd some looks throughout the night. It was though knowing looks that we knew something noone else did. An unspoken secret that was in the air sitting like dust particles spinning around.

As we were all getting ready to leave he offered me a ride home. "Sure i just live a down on Colton St." It wasnt the best area wasnt the worse area either. Seemed everyone in Spokane had been in this area to live at some point in their tenure there. he pulled up in front of the two level apartment i lived in. We exchanged random words about our day and the fun time we had. I started to say goodbye and he leaned over and kissed me. ......WHAOH<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The only catch to what would be a normally sweet and tender moment is the fact that inside waiting for me to get home was my wife. That is right my wife of 4 years. I stopped and awkwardly got out of the car and waived goodnight. Realizing at that moment I had excitetment in my pants and confusion in my head. I had kissed before but never really like that. Up to that point I did not allow my fantasy to ever become a reality.

To say that was the start of major changes in my life would be an understatement. The next day i spoke with one of my close freinds what had transpired and the confusion in my head. She asked my thoughts and I told her "I think I'm Gay" ... Her response was a very simple and forceful "DUH" and the biggest hug I think i have ever reecived...

What transpired from that moment was a journey i could not have prepared myself for in the least. The months following were all about disclosure, being open to everyone in my life in regards to the new life and path I was heading down. I was suprised by the amount of openness i had in my life as well as the amount of poeple who felt they knew for years about the truth I had come to accept.

I thought the idea of accepting and disclosing was finished and that it would be time to move on and enjoy the simple life. LOL, well just like the song "When You Say You Love Me writen by Darren Hayes" if you wanna make god laugh all you have to do is tell him your plan.

Fast forward to november 2005. Sitting in a room at Gay City I was given the news of a lifetime... Miles looked at the little test tube that was deciphering my blood next to me. "It's Positive" ... I smiled and took a breath... "that good right, your positive its all clean?" ... " Um no Michael it is positive for the HIV virus."... Theroom felt like it was vibrating... echoing through the walls and everything seemed quite surreal. I was handed a pamphlet, a date to come back the following weeek and a Hug ("I rarely ever offer a hug but I am a bit worried about you" ) ... "ah whatever I will be fine... always am"

I was scared to call anyone for fear of the dissapointment they the poeple in my life would surely feel... wondering if my death was more at hand than i had percieved it just two hours earlier. I called my freind Ro... he had me drive to his house in west seattle so we could be there together to make sense out of something that very senseless. We sat and cried tried to figure out all the hows and whys.

The next question was the hardest though... who should i tell or should i hide the fact that I now had the one thing that so many had thought me immune to. The funny thing about stepping back and looking at your own mortality is that some things seem less important than they did before. For me the biggest revelation was that since coming out of the closet I had tried to live my life as openly and honestly as possible.

I am a pisces and I definitately wear my heart on my sleeve. Why would something like this change me being open and hosnest with the world. It was still a challenge though. Sometimes telling another person you have a chronic incurable disease is like sharing this massive secret with the world that opens you up.

Much like coming out as gay it is a personal decision. For me I am thankful for the support that I have. Honestly I would be lying if i said it was an easy path... it has taken me about 3 and a half years to get to the place that I feel comfortable enough to place myself completely in the category as POZ. I commemorated surviving three years with my first two major tattoos ...

*The biohazard symbol which is kinda the international symbol for being poz...
*The Radiation symbol anyone who knows me knows that I love superheroes and most of them got there powers by being radiated...

So i now move forward marked and accepting that we have things in our life that challenge us ... but the one lesson i have learned is disclosing your faults and identities are the most honest and sincerest way to form your own acceptance of the challenging.