2009-- Renewal

The end of December is always a fun time in the year and as with many people it is a time for reflection and change. A time to see what the year has brought and what the next year will be consisting of.

I think if i was to sum up the year in one word it would be impossible... healing, loving, nurturing, confident!!!

I feel that 2009, for me, will be remembered as the year I came into my own and found my voice. I feel as if it is the ramp up to the great year that 2010 will be.

Entering 2009 i was very trepidatious about what will happen and feeling very lost. As the year started a few days into the year I spent a number of days in Spokane with my family and realized that as grown children my family is so amazing and blessed to have the ties we have held onto. That trip started something that I never expected: the healing.

The year continued down the path of me exploring my individuality as well as the friendships and bonds that I have decided to nurture. I grew closer to some and I let others drift away that were not bringing me strength but instead sucked me dry.

I felt as if i was going to give up writing, music, photography and all the things I loved artistically .. simply to explore and live life and not to work to BE something but get to know myself. My strengths and my weaknesses. This included a lot of letting go of the past and a lot of soul searching. I was so happy with who I was becoming and very content with my solitude.

That is when the year took a strange beautiful turn. A friend that I had been talking to became what would be the greatest lover, friend, and soul mate I could have ever asked for. Fate has a way of doing that. Jacob has taught me about myself. He lets me be the man that I know that I am. He gets me and my sense of humour. I think one of my favorite things that he said to me aside from the obvious romantic and heartfelt words is when he looked at me and said " I'm proud to be your boyfriend and I have seen you gain so much confidence since I have known you" I agree with him looking at the year as whole.

The year did bring some loss. First it was losing Jacob's dad very sad and unexpectedly. I know that we were meant to meet when we did. I am thankful I was there to help Jacob and to do any little thing I could. I appreciated what he and I both have as far as families and each other. We were strengthened.

As always there is a balance and I ended up in Sante Fe and the other side of my family. In the midst of of a family reunion/wedding I found out more about myself and my strengths. There is so much love in the world and sometimes it is worth taking a risk. My family showed me more of that and it was a treasure to get to know the lives of my relatives as an adult and the ability to look back and see the world in a different light.

Then the loss of my Grandpa... I know this one will take a while to heal from ... once again with Jacob I approached this loss with a renewed sense of self and strength. I found that I have an amazing and supportive man in my life. I have amazing friends and a very strong family.

In this year of so much loss and happiness... the only thing I originally chose to not do (the artist endeavours) kinda backfired. I found that I am loving photography more than I ever dreamt. Definitely felt with the encouragement of Jacob, Family and Friends. I have been craving more musical release and definitely am ready to write more ... the words want to flow and the cork is about to pop...

I am so so thankful to be alive and despite the rough health stuff I have also endured this year it all seems so minor when I look at the big picture and see that my year has been filled with love, heartache., and hope .. yet also a renewal and reminder the man I have been and who I am now. I really like who I am and am proud to be where I am at this stage of my life. I am definitely ready for the next chapter.