2009-- My year of acceptance

It’s that time to reflect open and honestly about the end of the year... I usually look at my birthday and try and see what the year brought, but this year a gentle reflection on the end of 2009 is definitely in store.

2009 become a huge a year of ACCEPTANCE for me:

I ended a very intense year of therapy this year, I know that the time will come when I will need it more again. But I learned so much before I decided to take a need break.

The first thing I learned to accept was that I am worthy person. The truth is that I have spent the better part of my life being surrounded by people that pushed their insecurities onto me and taught me that I was worthless. It was a safe place for me, it meant never looking inside and seeing the truth that I was worth more than that.

I learned to accept that I have limits. I was so volunteer crazy, once again as a way to hide the insecurities deep rooted in me. I decided to step back and find myself and let some things go in order to not be the volunteer crazy man and pick which organizations I am willing to give my time to.

My largest ACCEPTANCE was of my HIV status. It took about 3.5 years for it to finally set in. When I was diagnosed I went straight into support groups, doctors, volunteering, writing, coping, meds, and a lot of soul searching. I hated myself for a long time. I hated that I was stupid enough to get this VIRUS. I hated what it did to my soul and my heart.

Something happened this year while i was facilitating the newly diagnosed support group I ran for the past two years. The group was talking on a day after a particularly intense therapy session of my own. I was finally ok with the fact that I had HIV. It sounded so funny with how outspoken I had been but I don't think I had truly accepted that I was going to be ok and live a long life and be able to be content with it.

A funny thing happens when you learn to ACCEPT that you are worthy of good things and that you are a good person and be content. I found a peace unlike anything I had known before in my life. I truly saw the world differently and wanted to make a mark to bring good things to the world.

The other crazy thing that happened was meeting the man I am so in love with. It is a powerful and strength binding love. It is so pure and wonderful. Jacob (the BF) told me that even since he has met me I have gained so much confidence. I am finding that he doesn’t allow me to step into those old habits of thinking I am not worth anything. Though I now find that if anyone makes me feel that way it is time to push them away.

Goodbye 2009 you will be missed but it means that I am approaching 2010 with greater strength than I did in 2009. I am truly blessed and looking forward to this great adventure.