Coming out all over again...

This past weekend my close friend Leesa came to visit me. Upon picking me up from work on Saturday we went to find a little pub type environment to catch up some. My partner suggested a place I have been wanting to check out and since I am directional deficient still in my new town, having only been here a couple months, ended up in a different place altogether.

Life is so full of little surprises. The place we went led into the neatest little alcove under the street level. Such a perfect setting to just relax and chill. We ordered our fancy ale and then each ordered some happy hour food. Randomly talking Leesa said very simply

"So what do you think is harder coming out as gay or having HIV?"

I quickly made up a flippant answer of "Well they are both very hard I suppose it is up to each person which one is harder"

Then I sat back and ingested the question and my answer. After a few minutes I said I actually disagree with my answer and I truly believed being HIV thus my brain tried to wrap around the thought.

Coming out as gay is hard and I will never say that it is not something that is challenging and continuously something that almost all LGBTQ people worry about in regards to repercussions and what will follow. Truthfully many of us wear our badge of gayness on our sleeves and once we accept ourselves there is a niche that most of us find.

Now when it come to your HIV status that is a much larger picture as far as acceptance, disclosure, and daily life. Once you are out as gay dating is a bit easier you know that you want to date boys, girls, etc. But once you are HIV+ you are presented with the new challenge of when do you tell someone your status, will they accept you, will they react in an appropriate way, if you are rejected then what do you do if it is awkward...

Being POZ opens up the whole issues of the fact that many people are still sadly uninformed about what that means in terms of being around others. Most families and friends don't worry that the Gay will rub of on them but some still fear if they can catch HIV from drinking out of glasses, a cut, or many of the daily activities one may do with loved ones.

I know that I had an instance where I was at work and I was very open about my status and my boss pulled me into her office to tell me that two people on our team were sick and she didn't want me to get to close since my immune system was compromised. I laughed and said with all the meds that I take I am probably the healthiest one on the team. Sure enough everyone on the team got sick but me.

The idea of even trying to decide who you should or not tell is always hard too. Questions like what if I get sick and they don't know? Is it really any of their business? Will they freak out? Even the added strain of just not sharing can eat some people up for fear that it may make their loved ones more stressed and worry more about your health even when you are doing well.

The big thing I realized is that for a lot of people they really come out of the closet one major time in their life. The sad fact is that coming out as being HIV POZ is constant and feels fresh almost every time you have to disclose...

So much like the fact that Leesa and I went to the wrong pub and found something we did not expect answering her question made me find some thoughts in my head I didn't know were there either.