...and it's ME !!!!

I have been trying to assimilate thoughts since my last post. I am still on why I have allowed myself to let fear control me. I started thinking about it all more today as I was getting a massage. I was trying to relax and meditate while I had the LMP talked about the rain in Portland and how much it annoyed him. I started to close my eyes and think about where I was in my life and how much I much I wanted to achieve in the next stage of my life.


I started to think about how before a few months ago I had not gotten a massage... the reason: fear. I was so afraid honestly of anyone touching me or my reactions of touching my skin that I didn't allow myself to let go and just get a massage.


I starting thinking about what I wanted in my life as I graduated HS almost 19 years ago and what I have accomplished of those goals. As I graduated I remember thinking how I would love to being an actor and be in local plays and to have the chance to be creative. I enjoyed acting in HS and even worked my way into being in a commercial for a local theme park called Silverwood. My mom was so excited and even recorded the commercial.


I wanted to do music from the time I was just a teenager and in HS i formed many tiny bands that never truly went anywhere but post HS i did form a band. Calling our band CEMENT was important as we though we were always in the midst of changing and yet cemented in the knowledge we would still be a band for a long time. Well after about 6 years that too ended when I went the way of independence and my guitarist the way of drugs and alcohol.


I have been writing since I was as long as I could remember. I wrote poems, stories, ideas. I was in Junior HS when I decided I had to write my first novel with the help of a teacher. I had all the outlines and the first two chapters and all the re writes one could handle at that age. It was a sci-fi fantasy story and it let to the start of many other ones. I always let so much of my sould go through writing.


As a young boy I bought my first camera with hopes to one day be a photographer. My grandpa always was a good photograpgher and I envied him for it. I always wanted to be able to take great pictures and learned early on that the lense can be a world unto itself.


The truth is that I have been a caretaker, workaholic, recovering co-dependent, self sacrificing dreamer for way too long. I have stopped hearing my own words and I have started to listen to the world outside me through blinders that should not be there at this stage of my life.


I have been afraid of rejection and afraid of the harshness of what could be a defeat. Truth be told I have someone in my life who will never let me down unless I let him and that person is ME. I have been so focused on what others may deem me to be if i pursue my dreams and yet I feel the second most important one would support me in any means he could and that is Jacob.


So there it is... the only holding me back is me and now time to viusualize is here and it will happen...


ME by paula cole


and it is me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it's me who's too weak

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better
yes i know there's something
yes i know, i know, yes i know