Pt. 3 Disclosure...

I haven't forgotten to write about more about my journey ... my head has just been exploding with ideas... when i left off last I was told meds would be in my future...

The journey that I had up to this point was not without bumps and hiccups. The first thing that was hard for me was the coming to terms of having to "come out" again ... the first thing i realized is that most of my friends were heterosexual and that they did not understand what was going on with me even though they tried hard.

I told my mom as well. That was sad to tell her and her reaction seemed one of disbelief. I had at that stage of my life pretty much thought of myself as the pink sheep of the family. I was the one who had the first piercing in the family when I got my ears pierced at 16. I died my hair numerous colours, wore black clothes in high school all mopey and Robert Smith like.

Being the one who was always wanting acceptance from my mom, especially since I was not a bio - son was such a challenge. I felt my mom would roll her eyes and say "what did you do this time"...

"Mom, I have to tell you something very important. I am healthy but I had a test and it came up that I was HIV positive" ... the silence was deafening. She was the hardest to tell. I ha at that point that I had a lot of close friends and people who would stick by my side. In my head I thought... this is Seattle so the open mindedness would get me through. Sadly that was not to be had. I am friends with very people in seattle since before I was diagnosed.

It was this path that led me to Dunshee House. I actually didn't know anyone in my group that had HIV and so I as I disclosed and the weight of the virus sat on me the shame set in and I felt so horrible about all my actions. The worst part was that everyone wanted me to be as carefree and upbeat as I had been in the past and once I did disclose they wanted to pretend it wasn't there and to "get over it" as so many people had told me.

I learned sometimes when others do not know how to relate to the hard to deal with stuff they just ignore it and push it to the side like that caged tiger in the living room pacing and waiting to prowl. The difference here is that the Tiger was me and I needed to get out what was inside me.

Four months after my diagnosis I had a visit from one of my closest friends in the world. We were to spend time hanging out and seeing our fave singer Eric Himan play two shows in Portland and Seattle with Levi Kreis. The first day she was here we were talking about boys and life and all that is involved with those conversations. Once again skating over this pacing tiger.

I remember walking down Olive Way and in front of the Olive Way Starbucks (or as seattle-ites) referred to it GAYBUCKS. "what is wrong with you, I am missing my Michael." my reply was "oh sorry I will pretend I am happy"... we walked in silence... upon getting home the fight started...

"If you are going to be an asshole then I am leaving" her words angered me even more as I yelled... "yeah I think that is the best... go away like everyone else" ... that is when it hit me what was going on...Dawn turned around and asked "seriously what the hell is going on with you ... I miss my michaelman..:" I lost it and started crying ... "he is not the same Dawn and you have to understand that... everyone wants me to be the same and I am not the same ... " she held me and said she was sorry and that she was o selfish and wanting me to support her through all this.

I learned that night a major lesson that sometimes we have to state our needs and let them be what they are whether it seems to much. The truth is that I was so into making everyone else be happy and supporting them in my diagnosis I didn't let anyone know or allow myself to ask for the support and help that I needed. Sometimes just saying you need support can be all you need.

The following week I called my mom after not talking for almost 5 months. I called and said "this not talking things isn't working for me. " My mom and i both admitted that we just needed time to ingest the meaning of all this HIV stuff." We talked about it all and how it was hard for both of. That changed a lot of the way my mom and I communicate and it has been better ever since.

I found that even though there was a lot of loss friend-wise with my diagnosis that I was blessed with a whole new group of people around me that are so amazing and care for me just for me poz or not. I also find that I need to speak up when I need something and not be ashamed to ask for it.

To be continued....