Reflection

Yesterday I tried something:
Before my morning shower I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom... I looked at my body. I noticed all the imperfections, all the scars, moles, the way my skin looked, the paleness, the various tones, freckles, etc.
Mirror time been something that I have done since I started meds about four years ago. I worry so much about my body changing and where fat is and where I have lost weight. So much talk and writing about lipodistrophy. This is a massive fear not only because of the meds but I am getting older and bodies change a lot as we get older. It's a fact.
The subject of bodies and the way they look has been on my mind a lot lately. Watching a recent Oprah (Jacob has gotten me hooked on watching her) episode she talked about a family who was so obsessed with technology (Facebook, Twitter, Texting, Emails, Video Games, etc) that the family was suffering. Oprah brought in a guy to help the family organize the household. It included "un-teching" the house. The next step was to clean up the house. The guest explained that your home and space are a reflection of how you feel inside. WOW!! That hit me very hard.
I started to think about the people in my life. The first person that popped in my head was my current roommate. He lives in what I would consider filth. The floor is covered with clothes, garbage, change, and other things I fear to even mention. His bed is always such a mess that he rarely sleeps on it, instead choosing to sleep in the living room almost nightly.
He seems so sad and miserable inside... I could call him an Eeyore, in fact he actually speaks similarly to Eeyore. His space very much indicates how he feels inside. I started looking around at people and noticing that many people who live in chaos have a distinct lack of cleanliness. There is a reflection that goes way beyond what just what we see in the mirror. I feel I have to have things around me clean and organized. That is truly how I feel inside.
I started to think a lot about the gym bunnies that live their life at the gym. There is a certain reflection that they see that is a reality to them. I personally feel for some the gym body skews what is normal and what is not normal. I would love to have a body like that but the time it takes to create means sacrificing a lot in some cases. For some that means the only connections you have are all tied to the gym and not far reaching from that.
I stopped reading magazines like ADVOCATE and OUT simply due to the rarity of seeing a body that is average. Gay culture in general is as bad as women magazines when it comes to image. I have spent a lifetime trying to be 5'11" and 150# but it just isn’t possible. I have finally resigned myself to the fact that in gay culture that we have set ourselves up for failure with all the labels. Not to say that I have never used them. I am just as guilty trying to figure out which category that I fit into.
Term like twinks, bears, muscle bears, leather daddies, cubs, wolves, otters, etc are not the most positive terminology. Are we so bad that we need to compare ourselves t o animals? The one plus though is that with gay culture there is a spot to fit in with each type. Groups that accept you as the “type” you are.
I am getting older I realize that the most important thing is to just be healthy and to be happy with who I am and how my body is built.
There is reflection that we all have, the question is are you happy with your reflection on the interior as well as the exterior. I am learning to look around me and appreciate the reflection that I see and know that I am in the best place and that my home, life and friends reflect what I see. I want to have the life around me be a reflection of who I am.
So today I stood in the mirror and started to appreciate how far I have come and how blessed I am with the reflection that is in front of me and surrounding me.