I haven't forgotten to write about more about my journey ... my head has just been exploding with ideas... when i left off last I was told meds would be in my future...
The journey that I had up to this point was not without bumps and hiccups. The first thing that was hard for me was the coming to terms of having to "come out" again ... the first thing i realized is that most of my friends were heterosexual and that they did not understand what was going on with me even though they tried hard.
I told my mom as well. That was sad to tell her and her reaction seemed one of disbelief. I had at that stage of my life pretty much thought of myself as the pink sheep of the family. I was the one who had the first piercing in the family when I got my ears pierced at 16. I died my hair numerous colours, wore black clothes in high school all mopey and Robert Smith like.
Being the one who was always wanting acceptance from my mom, especially since I was not a bio - son was such a challenge. I felt my mom would roll her eyes and say "what did you do this time"...
"Mom, I have to tell you something very important. I am healthy but I had a test and it came up that I was HIV positive" ... the silence was deafening. She was the hardest to tell. I ha at that point that I had a lot of close friends and people who would stick by my side. In my head I thought... this is Seattle so the open mindedness would get me through. Sadly that was not to be had. I am friends with very people in seattle since before I was diagnosed.
It was this path that led me to Dunshee House. I actually didn't know anyone in my group that had HIV and so I as I disclosed and the weight of the virus sat on me the shame set in and I felt so horrible about all my actions. The worst part was that everyone wanted me to be as carefree and upbeat as I had been in the past and once I did disclose they wanted to pretend it wasn't there and to "get over it" as so many people had told me.
I learned sometimes when others do not know how to relate to the hard to deal with stuff they just ignore it and push it to the side like that caged tiger in the living room pacing and waiting to prowl. The difference here is that the Tiger was me and I needed to get out what was inside me.
Four months after my diagnosis I had a visit from one of my closest friends in the world. We were to spend time hanging out and seeing our fave singer Eric Himan play two shows in Portland and Seattle with Levi Kreis. The first day she was here we were talking about boys and life and all that is involved with those conversations. Once again skating over this pacing tiger.
I remember walking down Olive Way and in front of the Olive Way Starbucks (or as seattle-ites) referred to it GAYBUCKS. "what is wrong with you, I am missing my Michael." my reply was "oh sorry I will pretend I am happy"... we walked in silence... upon getting home the fight started...
"If you are going to be an asshole then I am leaving" her words angered me even more as I yelled... "yeah I think that is the best... go away like everyone else" ... that is when it hit me what was going on...Dawn turned around and asked "seriously what the hell is going on with you ... I miss my michaelman..:" I lost it and started crying ... "he is not the same Dawn and you have to understand that... everyone wants me to be the same and I am not the same ... " she held me and said she was sorry and that she was o selfish and wanting me to support her through all this.
I learned that night a major lesson that sometimes we have to state our needs and let them be what they are whether it seems to much. The truth is that I was so into making everyone else be happy and supporting them in my diagnosis I didn't let anyone know or allow myself to ask for the support and help that I needed. Sometimes just saying you need support can be all you need.
The following week I called my mom after not talking for almost 5 months. I called and said "this not talking things isn't working for me. " My mom and i both admitted that we just needed time to ingest the meaning of all this HIV stuff." We talked about it all and how it was hard for both of. That changed a lot of the way my mom and I communicate and it has been better ever since.
I found that even though there was a lot of loss friend-wise with my diagnosis that I was blessed with a whole new group of people around me that are so amazing and care for me just for me poz or not. I also find that I need to speak up when I need something and not be ashamed to ask for it.
To be continued....
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Open to Blessings...
The loading up of the truck went so fast it was crazy ... I said to goodbye to my Lacey and my Brandon... and off we went... It felt so good getting closer and closer to Portland and to Jacob's house. The unloading went just as fast as we loaded everything in to our soon to be office .... after that we needed a drink and some much needed rest. LOL
I was tired and knew the next day I was to start my new job at Pacific Interpreters. The job is a kind of an old hat for me ... it is a customer service/call center job. I answer calls from medical facilities around the world and connect them with interpreters of over 200 languages. It is actually a job helping people. That makes it so rewarding.
The past week and half has definitely been an adjustment yet it all feels so natural as well. I did finally get all unpacked and the house is really coming together so well. I am finding so much good energy surrounding us. I am so blessed. I have learned to shy away from the phrase lucky simply because it not true. I have worked and learned so much about myself and I truly can see that it is a blessing that Jacob came into my life and brought me to Portland after years of wanting to live here.
Thinks are settling and I felt as if all my dreams are slowly coming true and Jacob has welcomed me into his life with open arms and the warmest and kindest heart imaginable. I am also so blessed with the people that I have supported me so very much. I am at the most amazing place in my life. I feel that I am at a creative outpouring that I have never had and I am truly in a safe space to push myself.
This is more of an update email more than anything... but an update nonetheless...
I was tired and knew the next day I was to start my new job at Pacific Interpreters. The job is a kind of an old hat for me ... it is a customer service/call center job. I answer calls from medical facilities around the world and connect them with interpreters of over 200 languages. It is actually a job helping people. That makes it so rewarding.
The past week and half has definitely been an adjustment yet it all feels so natural as well. I did finally get all unpacked and the house is really coming together so well. I am finding so much good energy surrounding us. I am so blessed. I have learned to shy away from the phrase lucky simply because it not true. I have worked and learned so much about myself and I truly can see that it is a blessing that Jacob came into my life and brought me to Portland after years of wanting to live here.
Thinks are settling and I felt as if all my dreams are slowly coming true and Jacob has welcomed me into his life with open arms and the warmest and kindest heart imaginable. I am also so blessed with the people that I have supported me so very much. I am at the most amazing place in my life. I feel that I am at a creative outpouring that I have never had and I am truly in a safe space to push myself.
This is more of an update email more than anything... but an update nonetheless...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Reflection
Yesterday I tried something:
Before my morning shower I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom... I looked at my body. I noticed all the imperfections, all the scars, moles, the way my skin looked, the paleness, the various tones, freckles, etc.
Mirror time been something that I have done since I started meds about four years ago. I worry so much about my body changing and where fat is and where I have lost weight. So much talk and writing about lipodistrophy. This is a massive fear not only because of the meds but I am getting older and bodies change a lot as we get older. It's a fact.
The subject of bodies and the way they look has been on my mind a lot lately. Watching a recent Oprah (Jacob has gotten me hooked on watching her) episode she talked about a family who was so obsessed with technology (Facebook, Twitter, Texting, Emails, Video Games, etc) that the family was suffering. Oprah brought in a guy to help the family organize the household. It included "un-teching" the house. The next step was to clean up the house. The guest explained that your home and space are a reflection of how you feel inside. WOW!! That hit me very hard.
I started to think about the people in my life. The first person that popped in my head was my current roommate. He lives in what I would consider filth. The floor is covered with clothes, garbage, change, and other things I fear to even mention. His bed is always such a mess that he rarely sleeps on it, instead choosing to sleep in the living room almost nightly.
He seems so sad and miserable inside... I could call him an Eeyore, in fact he actually speaks similarly to Eeyore. His space very much indicates how he feels inside. I started looking around at people and noticing that many people who live in chaos have a distinct lack of cleanliness. There is a reflection that goes way beyond what just what we see in the mirror. I feel I have to have things around me clean and organized. That is truly how I feel inside.
I started to think a lot about the gym bunnies that live their life at the gym. There is a certain reflection that they see that is a reality to them. I personally feel for some the gym body skews what is normal and what is not normal. I would love to have a body like that but the time it takes to create means sacrificing a lot in some cases. For some that means the only connections you have are all tied to the gym and not far reaching from that.
I stopped reading magazines like ADVOCATE and OUT simply due to the rarity of seeing a body that is average. Gay culture in general is as bad as women magazines when it comes to image. I have spent a lifetime trying to be 5'11" and 150# but it just isn’t possible. I have finally resigned myself to the fact that in gay culture that we have set ourselves up for failure with all the labels. Not to say that I have never used them. I am just as guilty trying to figure out which category that I fit into.
Term like twinks, bears, muscle bears, leather daddies, cubs, wolves, otters, etc are not the most positive terminology. Are we so bad that we need to compare ourselves t o animals? The one plus though is that with gay culture there is a spot to fit in with each type. Groups that accept you as the “type” you are.
I am getting older I realize that the most important thing is to just be healthy and to be happy with who I am and how my body is built.
There is reflection that we all have, the question is are you happy with your reflection on the interior as well as the exterior. I am learning to look around me and appreciate the reflection that I see and know that I am in the best place and that my home, life and friends reflect what I see. I want to have the life around me be a reflection of who I am.
So today I stood in the mirror and started to appreciate how far I have come and how blessed I am with the reflection that is in front of me and surrounding me.
Before my morning shower I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom... I looked at my body. I noticed all the imperfections, all the scars, moles, the way my skin looked, the paleness, the various tones, freckles, etc.
Mirror time been something that I have done since I started meds about four years ago. I worry so much about my body changing and where fat is and where I have lost weight. So much talk and writing about lipodistrophy. This is a massive fear not only because of the meds but I am getting older and bodies change a lot as we get older. It's a fact.
The subject of bodies and the way they look has been on my mind a lot lately. Watching a recent Oprah (Jacob has gotten me hooked on watching her) episode she talked about a family who was so obsessed with technology (Facebook, Twitter, Texting, Emails, Video Games, etc) that the family was suffering. Oprah brought in a guy to help the family organize the household. It included "un-teching" the house. The next step was to clean up the house. The guest explained that your home and space are a reflection of how you feel inside. WOW!! That hit me very hard.
I started to think about the people in my life. The first person that popped in my head was my current roommate. He lives in what I would consider filth. The floor is covered with clothes, garbage, change, and other things I fear to even mention. His bed is always such a mess that he rarely sleeps on it, instead choosing to sleep in the living room almost nightly.
He seems so sad and miserable inside... I could call him an Eeyore, in fact he actually speaks similarly to Eeyore. His space very much indicates how he feels inside. I started looking around at people and noticing that many people who live in chaos have a distinct lack of cleanliness. There is a reflection that goes way beyond what just what we see in the mirror. I feel I have to have things around me clean and organized. That is truly how I feel inside.
I started to think a lot about the gym bunnies that live their life at the gym. There is a certain reflection that they see that is a reality to them. I personally feel for some the gym body skews what is normal and what is not normal. I would love to have a body like that but the time it takes to create means sacrificing a lot in some cases. For some that means the only connections you have are all tied to the gym and not far reaching from that.
I stopped reading magazines like ADVOCATE and OUT simply due to the rarity of seeing a body that is average. Gay culture in general is as bad as women magazines when it comes to image. I have spent a lifetime trying to be 5'11" and 150# but it just isn’t possible. I have finally resigned myself to the fact that in gay culture that we have set ourselves up for failure with all the labels. Not to say that I have never used them. I am just as guilty trying to figure out which category that I fit into.
Term like twinks, bears, muscle bears, leather daddies, cubs, wolves, otters, etc are not the most positive terminology. Are we so bad that we need to compare ourselves t o animals? The one plus though is that with gay culture there is a spot to fit in with each type. Groups that accept you as the “type” you are.
I am getting older I realize that the most important thing is to just be healthy and to be happy with who I am and how my body is built.
There is reflection that we all have, the question is are you happy with your reflection on the interior as well as the exterior. I am learning to look around me and appreciate the reflection that I see and know that I am in the best place and that my home, life and friends reflect what I see. I want to have the life around me be a reflection of who I am.
So today I stood in the mirror and started to appreciate how far I have come and how blessed I am with the reflection that is in front of me and surrounding me.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Moving on... Growing up...
I am feeling a bit topsy turvy as of late... I wasn't planning to write an "update" blog but I figured that I had to for my own state of mind and sanity... at least get it out of my brain...
All this started about a year ago ... I was so content with what my life had brought into the healing that I was experiencing. I had been in intensive therapy for a couple years and life was good. Then I met Jacob. I had no clue at the time that a relationship would fit into my world but I know life felt different the moment I walked into Barnes and Nobles to meet Jacob. I saw him and it really was different than anything I had thought or felt before.
No guy I knew had ever driven 7 hours round trip just to have a date with me before but he did and then he continued to. The night after our first date I remember staying awake looking at the ceiling and smiling and telling Dutchess (my Chihuahua) all about Jacob.
Flash forward through some great memories, experiences and a very trying and bonding year to last week. I stayed with Jacob in Portland and did some interviews. Last Monday (2/1/2010) I was offered a job and I accepted. This means so much to me. I will be moving in with a man that I love so much and who I truly adore and is all I have dreamt of.
I have wanted to move to Portland for a couple years now but I knew it wasn’t the right time quite yet. Well the right time came and I will be moving on 2/15/. I am sitting in my desk at AT&T for the second to last day and just feel a mix of happiness and sadness.
The sadness in knowing that there is so many great people in Seattle are that I will truly miss and there are so many memories here that are engrained inside me. Growth and strength that I never knew was there when I started living here. Sadness in letting more of my "kids" go and be growing on their own adventure without me as a constant.
Though there is a happiness as well that it is finally my time to grow and live and enjoy the moments that I have longed for my whole life. I know that I have resisted letting myself completely go in a relationship due to a sense of duty to the ones that I love. I know that I have made sacrifices and pushed myself for others. Well this is my time. I feel like a grown up for once. I feel so happy that I am "Defying Gravity" (yes, a Wicked musical reference) and taking care of my wants over others for the first time in my life.
I feel it is my time to settle down and find what I have seen so many others get and I have supported my loved ones as a way to heal myself. Now I see though that I am healed and that I want to be happy and grow old with Jacob and know that I have so much kindness and love around me.
That is beauty of life... it is always changing and growing and morphing. Once you think that you have it figured out you will see that you are only beginning the journey. Just now finally scratching the surface of what you are capable of. I am capable of more than I have ever allowed myself to experience.
YES! I am giddy and excited. I am so ready for experience that I can own and not "rent" from others ... This is my time and I plan to take full advantage of it and with the support of those around me it will be amazing and brilliant. With Jacob as my partner in this life it will be a journey that is more about us and not as much just them....
Portland here I come....
All this started about a year ago ... I was so content with what my life had brought into the healing that I was experiencing. I had been in intensive therapy for a couple years and life was good. Then I met Jacob. I had no clue at the time that a relationship would fit into my world but I know life felt different the moment I walked into Barnes and Nobles to meet Jacob. I saw him and it really was different than anything I had thought or felt before.
No guy I knew had ever driven 7 hours round trip just to have a date with me before but he did and then he continued to. The night after our first date I remember staying awake looking at the ceiling and smiling and telling Dutchess (my Chihuahua) all about Jacob.
Flash forward through some great memories, experiences and a very trying and bonding year to last week. I stayed with Jacob in Portland and did some interviews. Last Monday (2/1/2010) I was offered a job and I accepted. This means so much to me. I will be moving in with a man that I love so much and who I truly adore and is all I have dreamt of.
I have wanted to move to Portland for a couple years now but I knew it wasn’t the right time quite yet. Well the right time came and I will be moving on 2/15/. I am sitting in my desk at AT&T for the second to last day and just feel a mix of happiness and sadness.
The sadness in knowing that there is so many great people in Seattle are that I will truly miss and there are so many memories here that are engrained inside me. Growth and strength that I never knew was there when I started living here. Sadness in letting more of my "kids" go and be growing on their own adventure without me as a constant.
Though there is a happiness as well that it is finally my time to grow and live and enjoy the moments that I have longed for my whole life. I know that I have resisted letting myself completely go in a relationship due to a sense of duty to the ones that I love. I know that I have made sacrifices and pushed myself for others. Well this is my time. I feel like a grown up for once. I feel so happy that I am "Defying Gravity" (yes, a Wicked musical reference) and taking care of my wants over others for the first time in my life.
I feel it is my time to settle down and find what I have seen so many others get and I have supported my loved ones as a way to heal myself. Now I see though that I am healed and that I want to be happy and grow old with Jacob and know that I have so much kindness and love around me.
That is beauty of life... it is always changing and growing and morphing. Once you think that you have it figured out you will see that you are only beginning the journey. Just now finally scratching the surface of what you are capable of. I am capable of more than I have ever allowed myself to experience.
YES! I am giddy and excited. I am so ready for experience that I can own and not "rent" from others ... This is my time and I plan to take full advantage of it and with the support of those around me it will be amazing and brilliant. With Jacob as my partner in this life it will be a journey that is more about us and not as much just them....
Portland here I come....
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