Phoenix Flight

The last couple weeks have been filled with tears, joy, closeness and a sense of change that things won't and can't be the same ever again...

Last night I lost the fight at feeling younger than my actual age, It has hit me so much the past two weeks just what time holds as we get older. I am finding the shortnes and reality of life making me appreciate so much everyday ...

A couple weeks ago Jacob lost his father very unexpectantly. The jolt that hit Jacob is one that it so hard to even imagine. The emotional rollercoaster that he is on has been a challenge for his family ... in particular his mom. They were married for 38 years. I cant imagine the pain that she is going through. To lose your best freind of most of your life...

The one thing that the whole experience has definitaley shown me is that life is precious and so very fragile. The past four years already showed me this but not as much so as the past two weeks.

FALL is slowly and I am finding time to really stretch my mind and see what I have been doing with the past year and what I plan to do with my life. I have been "soul searching" for long enough. I plan to take the next few days and set a plan in motion.

The biggest endeavours of these will be to spend some time writing "The Letter Project". This will be my life story as I have planned for a while now. The challenge part is that I write all my work by hand and not on a computer.

The next will be spending more time alone learning and ingesting my Guitar and keyboard. I am very comfortable writing the words and the thoughts... the instrumentation skill is what i feel lacking in...

The hardest part as of late is the dichotomous nature that I feel. I know that if I didnt have a lease to uphold that I would so be in Portland and being closer to Jacob. I am glad we are taking time but honestly it has been hard.

I fel as if I have started an amazing and wonderful journey with such an amazing soul and yet I am here in seattle going through all the motions waiting to get the chance to be with my love. Especially during this hard time with the passing of his father. I have honestly started to look at what I can cut back and what I can continue to maintain.

I treasure each moment I have with Jacob. I was talking to him last night and confessed that I have waited my whole life for this. That I have never felt like I could be so unabashedly me. With him I feel safe and protected. I know that for once I have found healthy and good. I have found a glimpse of heaven. I want to be able to say that I am still with my best freind and my lover in 30+ years.

I have finally found true love and all that comes with it. I intend to show what other love I have for my writing, music, and photography. I am feeling it like a deep seeded entity inside me waiting to branch out is about to burst. I am taking the three days off this weekend to create... to nurture the love I have within me.

I am so very thankful the past couple weeks... to my amazing family that continously shows me the extreme love they have for me... for the good and kind hearted freinds that show me so many blessings through their enrichment of my own personal development while I watch their growth... I am thankful for Dutchess who has such an amazing love for life ...

Most importantly I am thankful for Jacob... for showing me more love than I ever thought possible... for showing me that there is a saving grace and kindness that is unlike anything that... for inspiring me and showing me the signal that is ahead ... a roadmap to my future... you are loved and i am so thankful you are in my life...

This PHOENIX is ready for flight!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blogging (Michael Style)

I started blogging years ago. I remember it very well. My JessieGirl got me started on livejournal. Back in that day you had to have a code to sign up on LJ and you would have to know someoone just to get started blogging. Jessica convinced me i should do this and that it would be very therapeautic. It was very elite-ish at the time, but i though how nice it would be to just track my daily life. It would also keep me and the few poeple I know in touch.


The truth is I have been writing since I was very young. I started my first idea for writing a song when I was in 3rd grade. I was walking into the woods near my home and humming to myself. The words appeared very quickly ... ("There's a bit of wolf inside us/trying to get out/get out it must... a bit of wolf inside of us/ and getting out is the key objective") ... for a third grader how wise to use the word objective in a lyric. I titled the song a Bit Of Wolf. I was so proud of myself and i wrote the lyrics down.

That began what would end up being a start of a very creative stride. Between that point and 8th grade i had written melodies and lyrics to well over 150 songs. I loved learning song structure tearing it down and rebuilding in a way that was my own unique brand of writing. The lyrics didnt stray far from my own existance. Even at that age i wrote in a dark and brooding artist kind of way.

By the time i started my first blog (under the screenname of Musiklovr3 http://musiklovr3.livejournal.com/) on live journal I thought of myself as a very good writer. My first post was in September of 2003. Blogging started out with the simple idea of taking silly quizzes (at the time there were very limited amount of these tests) , writing daily activites and meeting others who were part of the "elite" blogging community that at that point was still on the verge of taking off. I remember so well telling poeple about blogging and everyone thought I was crazy to put my words out there so openly. The funny thing is looking back I wasnt that open with the deeper stuff in me.

I am thankful for those early days of LJ. I met some amazing poeple a couple that have helped shape my life, probably the most important was Ducky. I met him via a Cure LJ Community and we met in seattle and hit it off right away. Over the years Ducky and I have grown to be not only amazing freinds, musical partners, but also been able to witness and supportive the amazing growth we have both endured.

The other thing it did was open my world up to people who lived not only close but far away ... even australia... my sweet Noah lived there . He and i would talk in the wee hours of my insomnia. He was a young guy when i met him leaving the second bout cancer and soon to enter the third bout that sadly from what it looks claimed his life. Not to mention amazing people like Tomas, Ray, Jason and a host of others i still communicate with to this day.

Time changed a bit and that is when I made the conscience decision to start anew and build onto the next stage of my development. That took place Sept 5th 2005. I then started the journal under the name of Michaelman333 (http://michaelman333.livejournal.com/).

Little did I know how this would slowly bring me out of my shell as a writer and a how my approach would change with the news of my diagnosis, an abusive relatonship, moving back home to Spokane and then my return to Seattle. Followed by abusive roommates, and a massive bought of depression. The strength that came out of that round of two years caused me to re-evaluate so much. That is when i started my journey as "The PhoenixReborn". It was at out of the ashes that the new me was formed. I wasn't the same after that two year struggle for my identity.

Nov 24 th 2007 started the new chapter. That is when I started the journal labeled simply aphoenixreborn (http://aphoenixreborn.livejournal.com/). Starting this phase of my life I opened myself up in a way I never thought possible. The truth is I decided to live my life very openly. I was less cryptic, less everyday banter and more about what was deep in my heart and soul. This has opened me up in a way I never planned or intended at all.

My journey through the darkness I had enveloped myself in over the 33 years of time on this floating blue planet began. The time had elapsed and opened up and I found myself in a mode for the most amazing place of self discovery imaginable. I have found myself slowing writing more and more in a deeper more thought out mode. It is amazing ...

My journey in blogging started out very simply writing my silly thoughts now i find it is has help in my growth and survival. I have found that it has not only made me look deeper into me than I ever imagined but i have been able to increase my ability to write. In an age where blogging seems so everyday I am thankful for the ability to be so open and honest in my life.

I am learning there is a danger of being very surfacely open in todays time and age... it is a funny thing.

thankful starts

I have been bad about blogging as of late still... i think i feel i have little to say of importance that hasn't been repeated in previous writings... lots of stagnation ... sorta LOL ...

The urge to move is so strong .... these darn leases just mess everything all up... I have decided though that I plan to move at some point to Portland when the time is right to be closer to Jacob. The truth is that I have wanted to move to Portland for a long time ... life is so strange how pieces fall into place the way they are supposed to in the right time...

Jacob and i are doing amazing... i honestly felt that i would never connect with anyone the way I do with him... the moment i gave up there he was... i still wake up everyday expecting the dream to end ... it hasn't yet and I honestly don't think that it will... my search is over... no more looking over my shoulder ... no more wondering if it was the right person or the right place and time ... for once I know that it is RIGHT.

Lately I have been feeling some off energy ... I think part of it was the heat (Seattle had a recording breaking heat wave)...could be my new found happiness and people don't know how to react.... I truly found an internal happiness....

The only down side has been some odd health things.... a few weeks ago i started having some odd pains in my lower right abdomen ...the pain was so intense it warranted a trip to the ER. That in turn warranted a colonoscopy... well all said and done so far not sure what it is... the last couple ideas may be med related or possibly scar related....

the thing is that it has seriously made Jacob and i closer ... he has shown so much caring and it amazing me the love he shows so regularly ... i am definitely enjoying and putting myself in a place of peace and good energy still... that has meant still cutting some ties and honestly that means little is lost if it is negative... i care too much about myself to let my heart and soul break...

Family has been on my mind lately and I miss them a lot ... i have come to the realization that my brother and his family will never truly accept me for all that I am ... I still have my mom and other brothers and my sister to nurture... it hurts to always feel like i have to be the one to nurture the relationship with my brother and that I may never get to be the uncle i want ... but when it comes down to it ... that isnt my fault... i am being true to who I am ...

the truth is i am finding happiness and its on my terms... that has taken time but thank god for that and the support that I DO have...

my life is just starting and i feel it all around me ...

2009 Seattle AIDSwalk

Dear Friend,

I hope this message finds you well! I would like to invite you to be a part of our team for the Seattle AIDS Walk on Saturday, September 26. Our goal as a team between now and then is to help raise funds and awareness to support Lifelong AIDS Alliance. It's a great way to have fun working together in support of a worthy cause. Together we can help to end the AIDS epidemic!

Lifelong provides basic human services to the community, including food, housing, and medical coverage. You can learn more about their programs and services at www.llaa.org.

Thousands of people throughout the year depend upon these services provided by Lifelong. Our contribution as an AIDS Walk team has the power to change their lives.

If you are unable to walk with us on September 26, note that you can still join our team as a Virtual Walker or support our efforts through a donation.

Thanks for your time and consideration. I hope you can join us!

Click here to visit my personal page.



Click here to view the team page for ATT Mobility League

Jacob, moving, and the new energy

So many have been asking about the new things going on in my life... i realize i havent done a real update blog in a long long time... seems that i have spent a great deal of time living life and not so much in the documentation of it all. I have found the more that I just enjoy the moment the more I am enjoying not always documenting it all. I have about 5 blogs started and just took a slight break.

So many new things...

The most important thing that has changed is that I found someone that I am very excited about. So many people want all the details and I will give some information. I met Jacob a while back online. We started out a friendship and at some point the conversations changed. He lives in Portland as a 911 operator and that keeps him very very busy. Between that and my work hours we have been trying to see each other as much as possible.

The thing is that I have worked very hard to build a sense of autonomy and work on finding the positive energy. This has included cutting some of the negative out of my life. Once i started to feel very much at peace and happy at the place that I am at in my life BAM!!!!! there was Jacob.

I connect with Jacob on many levels. We are both in the right place at the right time. It is more than just kismet that brought us together. We definitely connect on a physical, emotional, spiritual and sexually way. I have had a huge amount of support from my friends and that feels so very good.

The other big change was a move to Bothell. I am now much closer to my work (withing minutes of walking) and the mellow energy is so very very nice. It is good to not being sleeping in a makeshift room that is actually a dining room. I also get more time to spend with Dutchess. She has been such an amazing pup since I moved. I am liking the low key life and a lot of time to just contemplate.

The true fact is that I am in such a great happy place in my life. I am truly surround by great freinds that everyday show me so much love and support. I am very thankful for that. I am also so lucky to have met such a great man like Jacob. He reminds me everyday of what true pure love is and i get a glimpse into my future. He has definately awaken something deep inside me that I didnt know was there. A certain light. The distance does not stop the light or the feelings I have deep inside me.

This is my quick update and a glimpse into the new energy and place that I am at this point in my life. I am so blessed and lucky and very much at peace. Thank you so much for all the support my dear freinds and thank you so much Jacob for all that you bring to my life.

Remembering MJ!!!!

I am not one to blog about celebrities or the idea of celebrities. I have lost my enamor and glow of celebrities a while back when i began to meet and know indie artists such as Christopher Dallman, Eric Himan, Levi Kreis, Casey Stratton, Sacha Sacket and the like.

Meeting these amazing artists shattered the wall i think once existed on fame and celebrity as has the modern technology of Twitter, Facebook and the now dinosaur-ish MySpace. Seeing twitter updates from Rob Thomas, Darren hayes, Imogen Heap and the like has broken down that wall.

I feel though I have to write about the events of June, 25th, 2009. I was working and i got an email saying that Michael Jackson had was being taken to the hospital of a heart attack. My bf jacob calls me an eternal optimist and in my head I thought. poor guy i hope he gets better. Sadly he didnt. He passed away and the moment I heard the news I have to admit that I teared up instantly as did my coworker Lacey.

I have thought alot about why the feeling is there that there is such a loss. The truth is that MJ represented something to me that was not present by my surroundings as a child. Despite the tainting of his image over the years and the cost he has paid for being a childhood star. I don't have that image of him.

I remember a man who brought me joy as a child. I remember going to a freinds house as a kid. We weren't allowed to have cable cause it was "not suitable for children" LOL ... oh how times change. My freind Mike Myers (yes his real name) did though. I remember turning on the TV and watching the movie that would be THRILLER. I had never seen anything so amazing. After that moment my recesses were filled with trying to re-enact the whole video... of course me being the role of MJ.I loved doing the dance moves and learning every step that of the choreopgraphy.

I know that I am not alone in a generation that made THRILLER as the first musical purchase. I loved that album and the next album BAD. I have put much thought into why I enjoyed the music and the energy of MJ. Then it hit me.

A lot of the people that remember MJ seem to remember a time of innocence and our childhood was a happy place. Those of us especially who felt as if we didn't fit in and were looking for some type of escape saw something in him that was amazing. A real person who had the kind of childlike charm that many of us needed.

Despite anything that has been said or tried to be judged about him since those days I honestly remember a simple man that was one of the most amazing dancers, performers, and artists of my lifetime. Someone who taught me that it is ok to be innocent and to love what you do. An artist that no matter how old i get will always take me back to a time of innocence and childhood. I am thankful that I have gotten that chance in my lifetime to know a musical genius...

Thank you for that MJ. RIP....

Into the light

I was sitting on the CASCADE Train on the way back from Portland to Seattle. My first round trip ion a train almost finsihed. The lights in the car ( I think that is what they are called on a train) were dimmed. I wasn't able to watch the movie playing ("Marley and Me") due to defective headphones sound in Car #7. So I decided to play a game of FreeCell and listen to my Ipod. I looked down and saw the lights light up in the aisle. The lights hovering almost under the seats.

Lately I feel that I am seeing a path very similar to that aisle. Something slowly lighting up. Shadows are just a memory and I a feeling of not letting go. So many things that are changing in a very short time. All these are adding to the fact that at 35 I have a clarity of mind that I have not formed until now. A wisdom and acceptance of who I am and who I want to be.

The most important of these is the move that I will be making on June 27th. I will be officially moving to Bothell, Wa. This will be a great move to be closer to work and to be a bit of a slower pace. I feel that this will give me some much needed time to work on some musical ideas as well as some writings that I am way overdue for my soul.

I have always spent a great deal of time reflecting on the relationships I have had. What has made them work and what has made them fail. There are certain things that I see as being a constant in my life. I havent been ready to give all that I was and too scared to let go of so much of the past. I feel that turning 35 has changed that. I am finally ready to let the ghosts of my past go, so to speak. Time to move one step forward and find new ground.

The past few months I have been reflecting on what I want, don't want and where my life is leading. I have loved being a facilitator and knowledgeable resource in the HIV world. I felt that there was a purpose that was greater than me to be working on this. Well I opened myself up to someone and started building a freindship. This is that part of life that take those turns you can never expect. After many medical and clinical talks and conversations somewhere one of these conversations turned and made a sharp left.

The past few weeks I have gotten to know an amazing man. J. has opened up in me something that I had forgotten was there. I think that he entered my life at the right time with the right expectations. getting to know someone like this is a new thing. I am enjoying the slow simmer that started and has now turned into full on dating. This is also the first time I have ever thought about the concept of a long distance relationship. He is in Portland. Or and I am still in Seattle, Wa. I have realized that the short distance thing was working for me so why not try it.

I went on a multiple day visit down to Portland and the time I spent down there was amazing. We connected in an amazing way on many levels. I was inpressed by the company that he keeps and the way his freinds care so much about him and his well being. That shows a lot about a person. It truly feels like the right person, at the right time, at the right point in my life. I am not sure how it all happened but it just feels right. It left me in a daze when I left, it will not be easy but I know that this is different and I am excited to be taking this journey. Something about this feels so right and good.

I was reflecting about the poeple as well in my journey I am on. I am truly blessed. I have some amazing freinds. I am very very lucky. Freinds that show me on a regular basis that I am truly cared for, and that i am important to them. I think that is key to finding happiness is to surround yourself in light. I am blessed to have poeple like Ducky, Heidi, Chris, Dawn, Brandon, Lacey, Paul, and anyone i didnt mention ... the truth is i am touched by many poeple. I am glad they let me fall and let me pick myself back up. They help in a gentle and caring way and they never give up on me when even i have felt I had given up on myself.

There is something to be said about finding something and fighting for it. It is time for a lot of changes in my life. The best thing is that the changes are all good and positive flowing. I am thankful for that and for the path that is lighting its way to me.

Disclosure

I remember the August 1998 night i was hanging with a group of freinds, as we finsihed a night of bowling and lauging and lots of goofiness. There was a nice guy there his name was Brian. Brian and I had exchanegd some looks throughout the night. It was though knowing looks that we knew something noone else did. An unspoken secret that was in the air sitting like dust particles spinning around.

As we were all getting ready to leave he offered me a ride home. "Sure i just live a down on Colton St." It wasnt the best area wasnt the worse area either. Seemed everyone in Spokane had been in this area to live at some point in their tenure there. he pulled up in front of the two level apartment i lived in. We exchanged random words about our day and the fun time we had. I started to say goodbye and he leaned over and kissed me. ......WHAOH<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The only catch to what would be a normally sweet and tender moment is the fact that inside waiting for me to get home was my wife. That is right my wife of 4 years. I stopped and awkwardly got out of the car and waived goodnight. Realizing at that moment I had excitetment in my pants and confusion in my head. I had kissed before but never really like that. Up to that point I did not allow my fantasy to ever become a reality.

To say that was the start of major changes in my life would be an understatement. The next day i spoke with one of my close freinds what had transpired and the confusion in my head. She asked my thoughts and I told her "I think I'm Gay" ... Her response was a very simple and forceful "DUH" and the biggest hug I think i have ever reecived...

What transpired from that moment was a journey i could not have prepared myself for in the least. The months following were all about disclosure, being open to everyone in my life in regards to the new life and path I was heading down. I was suprised by the amount of openness i had in my life as well as the amount of poeple who felt they knew for years about the truth I had come to accept.

I thought the idea of accepting and disclosing was finished and that it would be time to move on and enjoy the simple life. LOL, well just like the song "When You Say You Love Me writen by Darren Hayes" if you wanna make god laugh all you have to do is tell him your plan.

Fast forward to november 2005. Sitting in a room at Gay City I was given the news of a lifetime... Miles looked at the little test tube that was deciphering my blood next to me. "It's Positive" ... I smiled and took a breath... "that good right, your positive its all clean?" ... " Um no Michael it is positive for the HIV virus."... Theroom felt like it was vibrating... echoing through the walls and everything seemed quite surreal. I was handed a pamphlet, a date to come back the following weeek and a Hug ("I rarely ever offer a hug but I am a bit worried about you" ) ... "ah whatever I will be fine... always am"

I was scared to call anyone for fear of the dissapointment they the poeple in my life would surely feel... wondering if my death was more at hand than i had percieved it just two hours earlier. I called my freind Ro... he had me drive to his house in west seattle so we could be there together to make sense out of something that very senseless. We sat and cried tried to figure out all the hows and whys.

The next question was the hardest though... who should i tell or should i hide the fact that I now had the one thing that so many had thought me immune to. The funny thing about stepping back and looking at your own mortality is that some things seem less important than they did before. For me the biggest revelation was that since coming out of the closet I had tried to live my life as openly and honestly as possible.

I am a pisces and I definitately wear my heart on my sleeve. Why would something like this change me being open and hosnest with the world. It was still a challenge though. Sometimes telling another person you have a chronic incurable disease is like sharing this massive secret with the world that opens you up.

Much like coming out as gay it is a personal decision. For me I am thankful for the support that I have. Honestly I would be lying if i said it was an easy path... it has taken me about 3 and a half years to get to the place that I feel comfortable enough to place myself completely in the category as POZ. I commemorated surviving three years with my first two major tattoos ...

*The biohazard symbol which is kinda the international symbol for being poz...
*The Radiation symbol anyone who knows me knows that I love superheroes and most of them got there powers by being radiated...

So i now move forward marked and accepting that we have things in our life that challenge us ... but the one lesson i have learned is disclosing your faults and identities are the most honest and sincerest way to form your own acceptance of the challenging.

Dam's

I was thinking the last night about dam's. They are amazing wonders of modern technology. I have always been intriqued by them.

When i was 12 my grandma took it upon herself to go on a two day adventure from Spokane to Troy, Mt. I am not really sure what the trip was about except to just get me away for a couple days. We stopped at the Libby Dam. We adventured and went on the tour of the facility.Ii remember just being intriqued at the power and work it took to create something as resouceful as a damn. It held back the waters and let a small amount seep through in order to convert the rest to energy for the betterment of man.

I had forgotten about that trip until two years ago when the guy I was dating at the time talked me into a weekend Portland Trip. The trip was filled with so much great food (he was a chef and thereby a food connosier), some sickness, humour and a trip to Bonneville Dam. I was surprised how intriques i still was with the whole set up of the damn, the fish ladder and all the impacts on of our society.

Move the hands of time forward to last night. I was trying to capture the exact emotion that was in my head. Then it hit me that I was like a damn I have find that I am always on the go, i am like a river moving downstream on my way to the great open waters, my reprive. As I am drifting i am gather rocks, moss, animals, and all sorts of orgamizms in the undertow of my design.

Building creating and drifting brings with it so much emotions, baggages, and a past that is was created and not necesarily in the manner which i hope for.

WHAP!!!

I take it upon myself to slow the calendar, take a much needed break and like those DAM's I am am being filter and converted and twisted through the process. The only thing is that I am a well of so many emotions on the this side. I am realizing that I have been keeping myself and at bay in order to avoid all the emotions and thoughts deeply imbedded inside my head. Now that the filter process is happening I sense a loss, a settling.

Truth is that I am for the first time seeing certain patterns in my life that I have to learn to avoid... the main one being that i tend to distance myself when i get to close to poeple ... a protection? possibly... or is it just a matter of survival .. wanting to live with a certain sense of chaos in my life... my mom once said that is how it always was growing up. That subject is for another blog though .

So now i find myself in a new stage in life a new start and i am working so had to find my footing and not be overwhelmed by the amount of love, freindship and great positive things around me .. . i am hoping that this dam provide some much needed energy for the future that i take away on... a new grand adventure....

What You Own

I was looking around the house the other day as i was picking out closthes for the next day. A habit I started in order to not stress the next morning and get to have just a few extra minutes to sleep in.

As i wandered from the closet of hanging clothes to my drawer that houses socks, underwear and folded up t-shirts i realized how easy it is to count the different relationships.

I looked at the jeans from the latest guy who said it would be an amazing relationship, he lent me the jeans for the night but said i looked so good in them I should keep them.

There was the pirate shirt that i seem to avoid at all costs, why cause cause it makes me remeber I am not that tiny anymore. Not all emacuiated from the summer that nearly ruined me.

i wear a ring i bought that spins around. I bought it to try and not think about the diagnosis that i had less than a week before that would change my world forever.

the shoes that my olympia guy said i would be so great in. " ben sherman is definitely your style." I was so excited to think i had an designer. I mean he researched what designs would look great on me for days ... it was quitet flattering.

I dig a bit deeper and there is the shirt that my first partner had bought me to "pretty" up. He alwasya had a way of making me feel less than. Yet now we are healed and matured. He is a great man.

the fancy almost see through underwear i bought to enjoy the late nights at The Eagle underwear night. I was so scared to walk into a bar and walk around with nothin but shoes and undies on. Yet i did it with a courage i still flounder with a bit. the man i was dating went with me. He is now one of my closest freinds and we joke about it all still.

Looking through all these clothes and somehow in my mind i still smell the scents of the poeple the places and the identities. Each article with their own identity and story. Some of my favortite clothes have disappeared never to be seen again ... there is a reason for that i am sure ... they ran away to hide knowing that just like a repressed memory or a block thought... it is unwise for me to remember...

So i realize that it is time. time to buy some of my own clothes... some new outfits and things that when i think of the articles iof clothing will make me feel like me... the quote the musical... "we are what we rent not what you own" ... well that doesnt work for me anymore i want to own...