2010 - Blessed

Year 2010 is ending and oh what a year it has been. I look back and it seems that 2010 would be, in my mind, the year I came into my own sense of self awareness and much appreciation.

Of course the most amazing new change has been that I am no longer a lifetime Washingtonian. Nope. Now I am an Oregonian. That is correct; I fled the state of Washington to live with my love.

I started out looking in my new surroundings to find a purpose, a friend, new energy, maybe even all the above. But what I really have been finding, surprisingly, is myself. I have been in a place for so many years of working and watching and not worked to be invested in my own moments.

I have learned that I am worth trusting my own judgment and inner voice. That I am a better judge than I have ever given myself credit for having.

I have watched the past year as I develop myself and in the process develop a love and relationship that is stronger than I have ever dreamt I could ever have. I wake up and everyday think "is this really my life". I am so blessed (I stopped using the word lucky) to be in love not only with an amazing man but a man that teaches me so much every day. A man, who is my best friend. A man,which consistently accepts me for being neurotic, goofy, and with all my faults. A man that I find more and more I laugh and truly just enjoy being with on a daily basis.

I have learned that I had a skewed definition of friendship and what true friendship means and what I will stand and not stand for within the walls of friendship and family. I will not be kicked in the ground and I will not be taken advantage of anymore. I have learned to set limits and have enough respect for myself and my heart that I will not let some things just be left without being said.

I have learned to accept that I do have so many amazing people in my life that are near and far. I am so so thankful for the ones who teach me that they are true and will not be fair season friends. In particular this year I have had three people who really stand out as being stand outs :) Brandon who has shown me that it is possible to make great friends in life that last. Lacey who I have seen blossom and grow and become her own woman. Joce who has made my transition to Portland so much fun. I have other friends who have been here throughout the year but these three have truly been so touching in their love and caring.

I am a very very blessed person and I am looking forward to 2011. It is a year that I know will be full of more growth and creative endeavors unlike any that I knew I had in me. I just feel it and know it deep down. As for my heart it is so full and brimming to the top with appreciation, love and clarity unlike I have ever had yet in my life.

5th Poziversary

5 years ago today my life changed... I entered a new world that I never thought I would have to deal with much less live in. I was diagnosed with HIV. I look back to that time and sometimes feel like life began all over that day. It was as if I had I was taken apart and put back together.


In the past 5 years I have written many ideas on re creating myself and starting life anew. I wrote a few years ago about my "car" aka my life. A car has to have 4 tires to run properly and without a hitch. In the past 5 years I watched my "car" get many flats only to watch it be ready to drive and then to get more flats but I think I am on a path with the right mechanics.


I think of my soul as a car, the 4 tires are represented by:


Spirit: My spirit is healing every day. 5 years ago my spirit seemed empty and crushed. It felt like a smashed mosaic that would never find the right shape again. The truth is that I was very correct. It didn't find the shape that I wanted it to. Instead it took on a whole new shape. I started reading on Buddhism, The Secret, Power of Intention, and Law of Attraction. Then I started to dig deep within my soul and see what there was hidden beneath the surface and was surprised to find a deep seeded sense of purpose. It was within me all along.


Health: Health has been a funny one over the past several years. I have had more health related issue than ever before in my life. This could be due to getting older, HIV, or just the general things that happen in life. The one true thing I have learned is that we only have one body and that we have to take care of it or it falls apart. I am on my way to healthier all the time. Despite the exhaustion I am the healthiest I have ever been. I am even looking to do a run in March.


Career: I struggled for years trying to figure out my perfect career. After my diagnosis I stumbled into something that I did not expect. I started to volunteer and I fell in love with helping others. In particular I gained a passion for helping newly diagnosed HIV people. I am not sure yet how I will be able to utilize the skills that I gained but I know that there is some path opening up.

I have also gained a huge sense of what creative direction that my heart lays and where that is going to lead. I see it in my mind and I know what I want and I can already visualize how that is going to be happening.


Relationships: Of all the biggest surprises that I have had over the past 5 years I have to say the most eye opening has been the relationships that I have been a part of. I lost many people upon my diagnosis that I thought were true friends. I watched as many around me couldn't cope or deal with what my life entailed. I fell into a couple of very bad and hurtful relationships with friends that I learned so much from through the experiences. But something happened after a time with some very deep and intense therapy. I started to heal and become more whole than ever before. I started making better friendships. Ones that finally were lifetime friends. Then the surprise of all surprises: I met Jacob. Jacob has shown me that dreams really do come true and that you can find love but only when the time comes and your soul is ready.



All in all the past 5 years have been a ride and an adventure. I know that being HIV+ has not killed me by any means. If anything they have actually gave me more of a desire to live than I have ever had before. I am more thankful for the people in my life and the adventures I have had. I am thankful for the dreams and the ability to be present in this time and space now.

Better Than A Hallelujah...

God loves a lullaby/In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry/The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

I have been listening to this song a lot lately. I know why. It is due mostly to my internal longing for my spirituality. It is a deep seeded need that I have had for a long time. I have wondered for years about my spiritual role and what it means for my current self. Sometimes it is a matter of merging the former self with the current self. That is a tough morphing to accomplish.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

I was born and baptized catholic. I even attended a private catholic school until I was in 3rd grade. My Mom who was in my life when I was around 5 then decided it was time for us to be baptized into her church. It was then I was baptized Lutheran. I question from a young age many, may ideologies and doctrines in an effort to understand the nature and power of an omnipotent all knowing entity.

The woman holding on for life/The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done/The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

I struggled so much with the idea of a god and a higher power as well. My father died when I was 1-1/2. It took many years to not be angry with GOD and to feel that he took him something away that was a part of me. For years I said that GOD and I were in therapy. I think sometimes it is still true.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

In my teenage years my Lutheran pastor in a middle of his own crisis gave a sermon where he stated "we are all dogs in GOD's eyes". I was disillusioned and left the church. In my teenage search I ended up being captivated by the hope and promises offered by the LDS (Mormon) church. That lasted a number of years until I saw the truth that was in my eyes a group of very misled people. The one thing I pulled from the church though was that our Holy Father was a father who loved his children very much and hated to see us in pain and hurt but gave his son for that need.

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

I started looking for peace and stumbled into the world of Buddhism and peace. Less a religion and more a daily practice of compassion, love, forgiveness and caring. I lost the idea of church and started to find a deeper meaning in my life within me and found that I had a higher power in me. I never stopped listening to good music with religious overtones. I never lost that feeling that there is a deeper spiritual meaning within me. I have never thought for one moment there wasn't a higher power.

I think sometimes the daily conversations and energy we share with our higher power are better than a hallelujah. I know now more than ever that religion and spirituality is extremely personal and between the person and what they deem a higher power. I am very thankful for that and for my Free will.

We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are /The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better Than A Hallelujah as recorded by Amy Grant.

...and it's ME !!!!

I have been trying to assimilate thoughts since my last post. I am still on why I have allowed myself to let fear control me. I started thinking about it all more today as I was getting a massage. I was trying to relax and meditate while I had the LMP talked about the rain in Portland and how much it annoyed him. I started to close my eyes and think about where I was in my life and how much I much I wanted to achieve in the next stage of my life.


I started to think about how before a few months ago I had not gotten a massage... the reason: fear. I was so afraid honestly of anyone touching me or my reactions of touching my skin that I didn't allow myself to let go and just get a massage.


I starting thinking about what I wanted in my life as I graduated HS almost 19 years ago and what I have accomplished of those goals. As I graduated I remember thinking how I would love to being an actor and be in local plays and to have the chance to be creative. I enjoyed acting in HS and even worked my way into being in a commercial for a local theme park called Silverwood. My mom was so excited and even recorded the commercial.


I wanted to do music from the time I was just a teenager and in HS i formed many tiny bands that never truly went anywhere but post HS i did form a band. Calling our band CEMENT was important as we though we were always in the midst of changing and yet cemented in the knowledge we would still be a band for a long time. Well after about 6 years that too ended when I went the way of independence and my guitarist the way of drugs and alcohol.


I have been writing since I was as long as I could remember. I wrote poems, stories, ideas. I was in Junior HS when I decided I had to write my first novel with the help of a teacher. I had all the outlines and the first two chapters and all the re writes one could handle at that age. It was a sci-fi fantasy story and it let to the start of many other ones. I always let so much of my sould go through writing.


As a young boy I bought my first camera with hopes to one day be a photographer. My grandpa always was a good photograpgher and I envied him for it. I always wanted to be able to take great pictures and learned early on that the lense can be a world unto itself.


The truth is that I have been a caretaker, workaholic, recovering co-dependent, self sacrificing dreamer for way too long. I have stopped hearing my own words and I have started to listen to the world outside me through blinders that should not be there at this stage of my life.


I have been afraid of rejection and afraid of the harshness of what could be a defeat. Truth be told I have someone in my life who will never let me down unless I let him and that person is ME. I have been so focused on what others may deem me to be if i pursue my dreams and yet I feel the second most important one would support me in any means he could and that is Jacob.


So there it is... the only holding me back is me and now time to viusualize is here and it will happen...


ME by paula cole


and it is me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it's me who's too weak

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better
yes i know there's something
yes i know, i know, yes i know

The Success of Failure

This weekend my partner and I were trying to figure out our plan for a rare saturday that we have off together. He looked over at me with a mischeivous look I have come to know very well. Expecting to recieve some sort of pinch or prodding that would usually end up resulting with us having a wrestling match and dutchess barking along her enthusiasm.

"Wanna get your tattoo" he said. I had to do a double take. "what did you say?" he repeated me in a mocking way me is endearing and always makes me smile. "of course I am serious or I wouldn't ask"

Of course I said Yes and off for the weekend we went. It was as we were driving to Voodoo Tattoo on Hawthorne that I realized 5 years to the day was the first day I got sick unlike anything I had ever known. I know now that was the week I sero-converted. It got me thinking about all that has happened in the past 5 years. That is part of the reason I chose the tattoo I did.

I decided a few months back I wanted to get a red Ribbon to commemorate all that I had been through the past 5 years and all that I had survived and for a reminder of the strength I have within me. As i was getting the tattoo I began to talk a bit about my journey to my tattoo artist, Willow. She started to tell me a bit about her upcoming journey of going on the road and writing a story of a part of her life that helped form who she is at this stage of her life.

It was truly inspiring. l have been sensing the universe speaking to me a lot through the various people and situations surrounding me. I have been so scared of rejection, acceptance, anxiety, all of the above. I have not given myself the chance to be ok and just be accept who I am with all my gifts and talents.

Then it all make sense and I had some major A-ha moments when Jacob and I were driving around on monday and our favorite relationship radio host came on the air. Her name is Dr. Laura Berman and unlike that other Dr. Laura she is full of amazing advice on the self and on what makes healthy relationships work and stay healthy.

Well this past monday the topic was The Power of Fear. It talked about how we let our fears sometimes get in the way of our day to day living. In some cases even letting it consume us from the inside out. It really was just one more look at how I have been letting my fear of success rule over me.

I think the moment so many things change was honestly when i was diagnosed I think as driven as I was to restart my life I lost my faith that I was worth anything or that I could succeed at all with goals that would equate success. Then I met Jacob and one goal (to have a healthy relationship) was achievable. I think now it is time to find out how to make other things in my life successful. I wish I just knew how to start.

Starting next week I plan to start working out and that is something I want to start as a 1st accomplishment. I will add my new tattoo as a symbol of remembering all i have been through the past 5 years and that after all I have done and seen and become I can now move forward with a stronger sense of success and not let failure swallow

The right place...

“I can’t live my life looking for the right place”…
These are the words a friend said to me recently. There is an air in the world, sadness and a loss of hope. The morale in the country and the world, in general, is at a low and it is challenging. I am worn to the bone with being the one that people turn to and vent, deal, and let all their angst pour from them only to do nothing about it .

Do not get me wrong, oh how I love to help people and listen and be supportive to them. The big thing though I notice is a huge sense of impending doom. No matter how much I try and be supportive it would seem that I end up within a week or so hearing the same problems from the same people. The resolve is never there and it seems like the issues that the person I talk to is that nothing will ever change.

The whole idea of the defeatist is too much for me to take on anymore. The truth is I am not a therapist and I do not get paid to take on the world. I would love to think that my words are making a difference and that there is a hope that my life experience has brought to some.

The truth is that, as I hear many times, my experience is only that… MINE… I cannot and will no longer take on the role of fixer upper to people who refuse to take responsibility or move forward on their own accord.
We all go through lows and highs. We all have the chance to learn new things in life. We all have the chance to break the mold of what we are used to and create a new identity for ourselves. Not one of is bound by the ropes we have bound ourselves in. These are just t he constraints whereby we hold ourselves hostage.

For some though it takes time. Time to find your directions and our bearings. I truly believe that if you search you will find yourself. The hard truth is that sometime we have to be patient. A skill I am not very well versed at yet.
So in response to my friends statement at the beginning… maybe the goal isn’t to look for the right place but instead create the place within yourself.

A Howard the Duck moment...

A couple years ago a friend and I were hanging out and trying to figure out a movie to watch. We turned on the cable free movie guide and looked to see what was available and looked good. As we scrolled we stopped and saw the listing for “Howard the Duck”. Feeling very nostalgic, we set the movie up and ordered a pizza.

As we sat we were so excited to re-live our youth and enjoy a movie we remembered as something very fun and youthful. It started and at once I had the memory of watching the movie the first time it came out on video. At that stage of my life I had not seen anything like that. A duck-man from another planet that somehow comes to earth and tries to figure life out while trying to get back home.

So fast forward 12 years, sitting there the movie started. About 10 minutes in I looked over to my friend who seemed to be enjoying it. A few minutes later he looked over at me and said “am I wrong or is this horrible”. Phew I was so glad to know that I was not alone in that assessment.

Every since then I have deemed the phrase for things that were once something that seemed magical but are more faded over time as an adult. I have since had many moments like that. The most prevalent moments have been when I return to my home In Spokane, WA. I went to a restaurant feeling nostalgic for a burger at a local chain called Zip’s. Trying a particular burger I was so excited and upon taking my first bite the memory was not the way I had thought it was. The taste was bland and unfulfilling.

I wonder what it is that ingrains the memories in our mind and how they get so set so far inside that they don’t fade. I watch a lot of movies now and wonder if these will be “Howard The Duck moments”. It is so hard to think that you cannot relive the memories as they were and bring the same energy back that you had then.

I wonder sometimes if there are memories that are created that can live up to the ones we had when we were younger. Is that why some of memories just fade away? Can we create new ones that will someday live up to the ones we had in the past? I know that I have a knack of remember so many things in my life it is a blessing and curse.

I hope to have less “Howard The Duck” moments. But I also hope along the way I can create lasting memories that will stay true to form and not fade as much over the time. I am at a great place in my life and I want to keep them all inside my head.

Letting Go..

“I came here to let you know the letting go has taken place”—Melissa Etheridge

There is theme that has been popping up a lot in my life and the people around me. It is the theme of letting go. I used to think that letting go of things was always a bad thing and that if you let go it was equivalent to giving up.

I have had a tough time lately with taking on too much of everyone’s thoughts and issues. I have always been one to be here and to listen and be a friend. A lot of people come to me and I feel honored to get to be their ear. I know this will never really change.

But as I have sat and talked and assisted I feel that I have hit on something that is a sign of the times in a way.

LETTING GO….

I am just a guilty as anyone in that I take on way more sometimes than I think that I can handle. I am learning lessons all the time in, regard to the idea of letting go. I have found that we as people are so caring and wanting to be able to assist others in a time of need. Sadly though I have seen a pattern of people willing to help others in a way that takes away from themselves.

What a fine line we all walk… at what point is selfishness and selflessness defined and at what point does one overtake the other. As I started looking deeper within myself and see that I have sacrificed a lot of myself in the past when sometimes I needed to nurture myself. That is the fallout of being too available to others.

The flipside is learning a valuable lesson in learning to Let Go. That is that it is ok to let some things go. I am one who is able to remember everything when it comes to situations and life experiences. But sometimes it is ok to step back and just let things go. I don’t always have to be the one who has to always be there. Or the one with all the divine words to fix things. I feel blessed to have the life experience I do… It has gave me wisdom and strength, But sometimes it is ok to say no.

Sometimes letting go means letting go of the things that I over analyze and “think” should be a certain way. By that I mean sometimes I am so head strong that things have to be done a certain way and I refuse to just let things be. I feel like I am always in a rush to have the next adventure or make things in my life happen but sometimes they have to just be.

Reality is that sometimes by letting go we are actually creating a freedom. By letting go we release the mental chains that we are bound by and slowly actually reveal more of ourselves and in essence let more of ourselves go … that is where we learn that Letting Go actually creates a freedom.

I have so many thoughts, fears, and crutches that hold me back and stop me from finding my full potential. There is a part of me so afraid to let go for fear that I will actually make things in my life happen and that my dreams will come true.

I think it is time for me to simply work to let go…

“Piece by piece I take apart /This complicated heart
And I hope to find /Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth /I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got /The further I could see
We choose our road /The letting go “ – Melissa Etheridge

Blooming ... better late than never ...

late bloomer : a person whose talents or capabilities are slow to develop:


When I was in sixth grade and almost 11 my voice started to change. I remember running around my grandparents’ yard and my mom started laughing. I asked what was so funny “your voice just cracked”. I blushed and didn’t think much of it but as the school year drug on I realized I was one of the first kids in class to go through puberty.

It was an embarrassing time but apparently my body thought I should get an early start. It was one of the last times that I can remember where I felt like I was ahead of the game. I don’t remember my birth mom but I always wondered if I was a late baby seeing that I was 12 pounds. I feel that set me up for my life.

The term late bloomer would seem to apply to me in many ways:

I was treated from a young age like I was an adult. My step-dad thought I should be having grown up things with grown up toys (i.e. Sleeping bags, tools, clothes, etc.). I remember my mom sneaking us off to the toy store and we would make sure that we were not found out that we went). As I grew older I thought some of the things were trivial in regards to toys.

I thought that it was my role to be a grown up and an adult. I wanted to do more the things that normal kids did and play and run around. I started working at 15 and I felt that was what you did. You worked, got married, had kids and that is just what you did.

By 24 I was divorced, still working and FINALLY came to the realization that I was gay. That is right I was a big ole HOMO. Most everyone in my life knew I was but I was late in recognizing due to a case of DENIAL. It was a strange induction to enter a whole new world at 24 and learn all the in and outs when so others were doing it at 18 or so.

I started to try and date and get to be in touch with who I was and who I am. I thought about doing many hobbies and yet I felt that unless I was working and on the go I was not able to be a respectable and working part of society.

As I started to get older I started sinking and falling into the hole of “life as an adult”. I worked and socialized, met people and wrote but almost every turn of wanting to do something more creative I was told by the people in my life and the voice in my head that I was too old or that my time had passed and that I needed to still settle down and grow up.

By the time 30 rolled around I felt that I had to continue to be the grown up and to be able to be self sufficient. On the whole I was but I was still craving something more. I had been in a band from the time I was 18-24 mostly part time when my guitarist was not using drugs. I still craved wanting to do more music, Writing, photography, etc. I felt no one I knew was on the same page as me at all and that my time had passed.

In 2005 when I was diagnosed I had to sit back and spend some time really thinking about what I wanted and what life had in store for me in the future. The first chance I had I went and bought myself a camera and started shooting. I really didn’t know what I was doing but knew it was something I had longed to do. The more I took pictures the more that people told me they loved my visions.

I stumbled a bit after a messy break-up and once again was told I would never amount to anything artistically. I lost my footing and I stumbled. Once again I jumped in to the track in my head that said that I was too old to amount to anything creatively.

The past year something has clicked in my head and snapped (in a good way). I started to gain my own confidence and somewhere I crossed the line where I started to realize that age is a number and the only one that has been holding me back is me. I have been surrounded by people in my life who ore now supportive and care that I succeed in all that I do.

I look back in my life and see that when it really comes down to it I am simply a late bloomer !!!! The best part of being a late bloomer is that I have now experienced enough in my life. I have truly grown and developed enough that I am able to actually have more and more to write about and experience.

To all the late bloomers out there … go find your time to bloom…

Awake from the Darkness

The past week I have been in the process of changing my anti-depressants and switching over to a new one that will hopefully help me better in my mental state.

This has really opened my eyes up top some things that I never thought about before. I find that sometimes when you are making a change (no matter what kind) there is certain clarity of sorts that comes to mind.

I have been thinking about when I was a child and how I would have these emotional break down or outbursts. They used to be so bad and I was always so out of control. My parents used to call them my “Temper Tantrums” and it was always so crazy. My parents were a bit lost and not sure what to do with a 12 year old that is having freak outs.

When I was 13 I had one my “tantrums”. Little did I know the result. I remember my mom asking me to do something very trivial in a homework assignment. I didn’t feel like I could do what was being asked of me and I started to just come unglued. I called my grandma stupid and that was the end I was kicked out of the house and forced to move back in with my step dad.

It was years later I would still be having these mini breakdowns and no amount of therapy or anger management classes could help. I even learned skills to make myself not be so angry or to resolve my anger. Nothing worked until about 3 years ago when I started taking new anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds. It was the like a miracle came over me.

It has been a long time since I had an issue where I felt like I have in the past where I felt a bit crazy in my head. It is a weird sensation to now be switching the meds. Last week I was up late cooking with Jacob and it was like something in me snapped and I just went off.

It is a terrifying feeling to not know why you snap or what is causing you to act out irrationally. I seriously think the meanest thoughts and want to act out. It is almost as if the filter that controls the actions in my brain is off. I feel tired and worn down all the time and it really just wears at me.

The strange part is the insight it has given me to my past. I know that I have suffered from depression a majority of my life but not until I was older did I ever have it recognized. It is odd to think about how all the years I suffered and thought how horrible I was for having my “tantrums”. Feeling like I was losing control.

Time does teach us many things. I am thankful for a supportive partner who has run his own personal battle with depression. So many people in my past have thought something was wrong with me or plain thought I was crazy. I am also thankful to look back and not feel so sad about my reactions.

I see now a lot my connection issues with others and the general feeling that I was embraced in darkness was due to depression. Being lowered on dosage is interesting in the way that it has seriously made me think about how I like the feeling so much better (thanks to modern medicine) of having my mind connected and balanced our correctly.

I think a bit about how this has been such a great experience to learn more about myself and the way my head works. Makes me wonder what other lessons I still have yet to learn as I move forward.

One of the best parts of this whole experience though is the awakening that I have had in regards to the creative side. Maybe there was a need to dip into the DARKNESS just for a moment or two for me to see what I have in my head and what is ready to blossom artistically.

I hope though in the future that I don’t have to go through all this in order to find my creative soul again, or to have to endure having to feel crazy just to fix my brain.

Loss (and hoping to be found)...

LOSS---

***detriment, disadvantage, or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get:

***the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had

***failure to preserve or maintain:



I have been in the strangest head space as of late. I have been thinking a lot about loss and the things we lose as we get experience this thing called life.



I feel so frustrated with my body and my mind. I almost forget what it was like to be oblivious to my own mental and physical needs. It is hard to imagine that there was a time that I just accepted y moods and didn’t understand or even acknowledge that I had problems always using excuses about finances and time to not work on these things.



I am older now and working through the fact that I am getting older and that I have physical issues now to deal with the loss of my go go go… my back hurts at the oddest moments and having to deal with a chronic exhaustion. I have the thoughts of all the things I want to do but I am so tired and worn out all the time.



I am angry that I have to take meds in order to maintain my mental state and not feel like I am losing control. Though I find it funny that I see now where so many of my mood swings in my past have come from my head just not working inside correctly. I worry that I will one day lose my sanity and never be able to return.



I think about how much my heart would break if I was to lose anyone close to me at this stage and I am just not sure what would happen. I feel I have lost enough of myself over the past 36 years and I am afraid of losing anything more in a short time.



I found that over the course of the past several years the biggest loss ios the loss of my dream of the artistic life and my hope to one day do more with it. When I was younger I dreamt of being an artist and surviving off that but sadly we live in an age where artistry is not appreciated or compensated like it once was.



Independent artists have to fight to not have their work stolen, ideas taken, or just so underappreciated to the point of may artist going into having to work second or third jobs just to make ends meet. I lose hope in that I will be able to make a difference yet I watch and feel as if I have something to say but I wonder if anyone is out there even willing or wanting to listen.



I do feel very thankful for the many things I have do not get me wrong … I count those blessings every day. I just want to be able to find my creative self and I would like to make a difference in the world. It is funny to think that so many people get to see the “public” face and the guy who is always on and happy and willing to be the life of the party.

The truth is most often I am scared of making a fool of myself and looking like a fool. I have felt like I let people down and that a lot are embarrassed by me and my goofiness. I have lost my sense of what is and what is not success and I fear sometimes that I will be found out that I am really insecure at times to the point of tears.



I really and working to not feel the loss that I have deep inside … I feel the last meaning of loss is the one that I have had the hardest time with: failure to preserve and maintain. I feel that I have to reinvent my creative aspect… I am just not sure how to do that but that is what the planning and creating part has to somehow drip from me.



I have to step back and find how to not feel the loss but to truly grow and mature from the loss that I have felt in the past. I would also like to not be afraid of further loss. This where I am at in my head for now.

My Pride...

October of 1998 the world sadly lost Matthew Shepard. I remember when the news broke and it was all over the radio, news , TV...It was a devastating blow to the LGBTQ community. At the time I remember I was watching the news and thinking this poor guy was killed in such a horrible way because of the way he was.

Something awoke inside me at that time: I was at the end of a 4 year marriage (yes to a woman) I had been questioning who I was and what I wanted to be and it was that moment that I said I would hide no more. The idea of stepping out of the closet and being so true to my sense of character was the scariest thing I had ever done. Truthfully I had thought I was for a long time and when I decided it was time to come out I made the decision to never deny that part of me again.

Even though it was 1998 I was still terrified of the reactions of friends and family. The surprise was mine when everyone responded with a resounding " DUH!!". PHEW... I had never felt so accepted up to that stage in my life. I feared telling my mom the most. I thought that since she is my adopted mom this would give her the chance to say she didn't want to be my MOM anymore.

Looking at it now I realize that is the silliest thought ever. The first thing she said was "I love you" followed by "just be careful and remember that there are people that hurt others who are different. " I knew my Mom was referring to the Matthew Shepard incident.

As I slowly acclimated to life as a Gay man I started the process of meeting people. going to prides and started to at first question what it meant to have Gay Pride. Seeing that I group up in a church environment that always taught that pride cometh before the fall I am was ashamed to be proud of something especially with something that I was born with.

Then I looked up the definition of pride.

PRIDE   /praɪd/ Show Spelled [prahyd] Show IPA noun, verb, prid·ed, prid·ing.
–noun
a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

Wow then it hit me I do have gay pride ... I have self -respect and self esteem that has grown through my ability to be so open and honest with myself and my truth.

More than that I used to have a tradition that on that watching the movie "STONEWALL". The story of how we were able and afforded freedom to have a parade or gay pride them anything is in part due to a small group of people that without any motive but to allow freedom of who we are fought a battle and gave gays our first taste of self.

I am proud to be connected as an almost "distant cousin" to the many people who assisted in securing that we will have the right to be openly gay and to be able to have parades, festivals, and parties all centered around our gender identity.

Today I am still an advocate for the rights of my partner, my family, friends, as well as myself. I am truly proud to be a functioning member of the LGBTQ community. I am proud of my fellow community. The amazing people that make my life so touched and amazing. I will continue to fight for respect for all the people I admire and love.

This to me is what Gay Pride is about ... Happy Gay Pride month.

Sometimes a CIRCLE...

Sometimes a circle feels like a direction/Up and down, still lookin' for perfection/ There's a lot goin' on but it all adds up to nothing/Sometimes a circle feels like a direction



This song by Louise Goffin has been in my head a lot lately. The feeling of going round and round, the sense of being in a landing patter is such a great analogy about certain parts of my life as of late. I am in a healthy yet unexplainable headspace. I say healthy in that I feel a bit of shaking up is good for the soul. I have chosen to ride this feeling out even though it is a strange concept for me.

I am used to being the guy who analyzes why I feel everything, every moment, every second. I think I came up with a mental creative burst that was so powerful and overwhelmed my own brain ... I am at an odd place of feeling like I am not confident enough to do anything yet knowing somewhere I have it all in me.

I am watching this Circle go by like a marble spinning around a a sink... I am not sure when it will stop spinning. I watch my blood work stay the same and I am waiting for the big change in my numbers where it will be a really large count.

Waiting for my vision for my photos to grab me and tell me I am taking something new and original. I want to know that I am doing something worthwhile with my photography gift.

I keep putting myself out there to find a musical project and no replies yet at this stage of my life but I keep trying. I wonder if I should take the clue and just throw in the towel but when I see shows like American Idol I think to myself … I could do that and way better than those performers.

I envision myself with a new job with more purpose with better pay, better benefits, and one that I don't feel so blah about when I am here. The current job I feel like I am kid in school being monitored and watched for anything I do wrong (I.e. using the bathroom, not looking at my screen, etc.)

The truth is that I am a lucky person and I know that. I know things in life could be worse off. I am covered with health benefits; I have good people around me, an amazing partner and the kindest supportive family. I know every day I wake up look at Jacob and my pets and feel so thankful that I do have the love and safety that I have craved my whole life.

The only issue sitting within me is that I can’t seem to totally let go of what is in me and jump across the fence. My plane has been in a holding pattern for so long and it has gotten so comfortable there that I am terrified to land this plane. The rough part is just that I am not sure why I am so afraid to land. But I have to find a way to land and soon.

The truth is sometimes a circle CAN feel like a direction. The larger truth is reality shows that a circle is just that a circle and it goes round and round. The one thing I have learned is that a circle is NOT a direction but a fear of diving in and letting go completely. The challenge now is how will I move forward and let go and land this plane and let go.

Waking up...

I had a the oddest dreams the other night, though anyone who knows me at all knows I am prone to odd dreams in general.

This particular dream was an ongoing dream that lasted all night... Throughout the dream different people that I have dated came to try and "win" me back. In each dream situation they would be in some random place and see me and tell me that they wanted me and in each time I told the person that I was taken and I would not trade that for the world. They hugged me and said they were happy to hear that and drifted away. It was an odd night but comforting in many ways.

I have been reading a lot lately too, especially on the look out for new energy and inspiration. I read a book by one of my favorite singers called "Amy Grant: Mosaic"(http://www.amazon.com/Mosaic-Pieces-My-Life-Far/dp/0767929675/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274583002&sr=1-1). I have also been reading more news and searching out articles with a more inspiring mode.

I feel like since I was diagnosed my biggest struggle has been to gain something back that I am not even sure I had much to begin with. I was never one to think very highly of who I am or even that what I had to saw was important. A lot goes back to when I was child and raised in a more "children were seen and not heard" frame of mind in company. I spent a great deal of time feeling so awkward growing up that I craved the time when I could hide in my room reading or just feeling that was my safest place at home.

It wasn't until I was writing and performing music with a band that I felt a sense of confidence but something still stood in my way. I realized much later it was that I was gay and coming out could mean (at least in my mind) in the 90's music career suicide. Not that I was a big time artist but I wanted to be. At that stage it was not common to be an out gay singer.

I wasn't one to go out of my way to bring attention to myself. In relationships (platonic and romantic) I would tend to be the more reserved one went after people who had more gregarious and external. This pattern being with others around me that pushed down my "flame" and becoming complacent with my insecurities continued til after my diagnosis.

It was the moment that I was in the midst of a more violent relationship then even I have ever shared when I had an epiphany of sorts. It was very shortly after that I dug myself into the deepest and heart/gut wrenching therapy. I drudged up things that I have rarely, if ever talked to anyone about ... in the midst of the therapy something up... I changed it was a very very slow climb but it was happening.

Moment by moment, day by day I started breaking away from my shell and my I was burning all my insecurities to the ground and I was slowly being reborn and it was very cleansing and exciting. When my healing really was apparent to me was meeting Jacob and knowing that I was in a healthy relationship.

I have notice lately that I have finding so many thing inspiring to me and it hit me that I am learning that it is time to take on so many things and I am a strange point of taking a bit of my own inventory (forgive this "normy" taking on the 12 step wording).

I recently applied for a position for a job with our local HIV organization. Putting it together I realized how much I have accomplished in this life that I constantly questioned my worth. I feel so confidant about this job and my skills. Being with Jacob adds my confidence that I am on the right track.

Sitting here thinking about that dream that I had the other day I realize that is a part of my subconscious telling me that it is time to not hide from ANYTHING I want anymore and to keep working on the things that I love and that inspire me. The only person all this time that has held me down is myself and I am not going to let that monster of insecurity eat me up anymore.

Time to keep this phoenix flying onward ... I am so excited to see where it is all taking me and so excited to have the passengers on the ride with me

Coming out all over again...

This past weekend my close friend Leesa came to visit me. Upon picking me up from work on Saturday we went to find a little pub type environment to catch up some. My partner suggested a place I have been wanting to check out and since I am directional deficient still in my new town, having only been here a couple months, ended up in a different place altogether.

Life is so full of little surprises. The place we went led into the neatest little alcove under the street level. Such a perfect setting to just relax and chill. We ordered our fancy ale and then each ordered some happy hour food. Randomly talking Leesa said very simply

"So what do you think is harder coming out as gay or having HIV?"

I quickly made up a flippant answer of "Well they are both very hard I suppose it is up to each person which one is harder"

Then I sat back and ingested the question and my answer. After a few minutes I said I actually disagree with my answer and I truly believed being HIV thus my brain tried to wrap around the thought.

Coming out as gay is hard and I will never say that it is not something that is challenging and continuously something that almost all LGBTQ people worry about in regards to repercussions and what will follow. Truthfully many of us wear our badge of gayness on our sleeves and once we accept ourselves there is a niche that most of us find.

Now when it come to your HIV status that is a much larger picture as far as acceptance, disclosure, and daily life. Once you are out as gay dating is a bit easier you know that you want to date boys, girls, etc. But once you are HIV+ you are presented with the new challenge of when do you tell someone your status, will they accept you, will they react in an appropriate way, if you are rejected then what do you do if it is awkward...

Being POZ opens up the whole issues of the fact that many people are still sadly uninformed about what that means in terms of being around others. Most families and friends don't worry that the Gay will rub of on them but some still fear if they can catch HIV from drinking out of glasses, a cut, or many of the daily activities one may do with loved ones.

I know that I had an instance where I was at work and I was very open about my status and my boss pulled me into her office to tell me that two people on our team were sick and she didn't want me to get to close since my immune system was compromised. I laughed and said with all the meds that I take I am probably the healthiest one on the team. Sure enough everyone on the team got sick but me.

The idea of even trying to decide who you should or not tell is always hard too. Questions like what if I get sick and they don't know? Is it really any of their business? Will they freak out? Even the added strain of just not sharing can eat some people up for fear that it may make their loved ones more stressed and worry more about your health even when you are doing well.

The big thing I realized is that for a lot of people they really come out of the closet one major time in their life. The sad fact is that coming out as being HIV POZ is constant and feels fresh almost every time you have to disclose...

So much like the fact that Leesa and I went to the wrong pub and found something we did not expect answering her question made me find some thoughts in my head I didn't know were there either.

Marriage for thought...

I had a friend that was once just was obsessed with the news... he would be online only on CNN or TV was alwasy CNN, CSPAN or some type of news program.

I always chose to stay slightly in the dark about alot of the news holding tight to the thought that it was all so negative and not much positive. Recently thought that has changed as I have more time it seems to watch more news and more access (i.e. iPhone apps) and I read news daily on the Max ride into work.

I am finding a trend the more I watch, live and learn about the world around me. I am so worried about relationships and how they are set up in the society we live in.

Last night, after a particularly bad day and even worse night I biked home, made our lunches for today and chose to sit and watch some Oprah... she will cheer me up right.... NOPE.... Oprah's guest was Melissa Etheridge. She was on the show to talk about her break up with her wife of 9 years and I just started to cry.

Now I know that Melissa is a celebrity and a person like us all... but she made a statement about being gay and believing in marriage and being married twice. Then went on to say they grew apart with different paths... yet they both wanted to be parents and work and such... I then thought well I will watch Millionaire Matchmaker instead and one I realized why I love the host of the show Patti Stanger.

She has it going on about marriage and the rules of relationships ... You know she said she believes we all have many soul mates but only one life-mate. I loved that it made me smile ... I realized I am frustrated with Media... all we hear about in response to relationships is break ups and cheating.

It would lead people to think that relationships such as Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Larry King, Melissa Etheridge, and other examples to the world are the norm ... we honestly should take a vault and start talking about the success of marriage. I look at people like Jacob's parents who were together for 40 years, My parents who have been together for almost 20 years, My grandparents who were together 60 years...

It is hard to be constantly bombarded by a society hell bent on the negative. I try so hard to not see it but it is really everywhere... so much pain and so much loss... i can't imagine what it would be like to be the gay couple together for 20 years and yet treated so horrible in CA. Shouldn't we have been celebrating the two decades they worked on the relationship.

The truth is that we all need to work away from the sarcasm, negativity and cold-heartedness and try to find a peace and a love that is there if we look ... we focus on faults, or what we perceive to be right and wrong... your too gay, too fat, too old, too happy, too sad, too hairy etc...

Why cant we just BE... and know we are trying to figure out our lives ... the truth is that we take relationships for granted... I see too many people hurting others with the change of a status on FB and such just cause they had a fight and now change to say they are single only to change it back when the fight is over... That is celebrating drama and not strengthening the bonds of a relationship.

No wonder the the world at large can't decide on Gay Marriage or rights or anything... we focus too much on the celebrities that all they are is famous for the sake of being famous...

I have a domestic partner that I love and cherish... and one day we will have a ceremony and I plan to be around in two, three, hell even four decades from now and plan to have him by my side and knowing that we worked through the rough time and didn't give up ... I hope that in the years that will be celebrated and not the bad relationships ...

Delving In...

For some reason this blog entry has been written about 10 times and it is one of the hardest ones I have written in a long while... I am not really sure why though.

There is something to be said of being in a safe and healthy space. On another step I have stepped out of the social networking social a bit as well. I was realizing that I was getting so sucked into the world of non one on one people.

There is so many things that happen when you step forward and are in a health place. The first thing that happens is that many many emotions bubble up to the surface. I have notice a certain melancholy setting ...Made me start to think a lot about loss and the idea that sometimes we lose things we want but don't even have. I have regrets but I am finding most of the regrets I have are ones out of my control.

Family in particular has been on my mind a lot.

I thought that when I moved I would be getting to know my sister better. Instead she has taken up excuses to hide away from the world. I really wanted a chance to be closer to my neice and nephews and her. She has pushed me out of her life with no reason or excuse.

My mom was here and we had a great visit (albeit a short one). The day showed how much we have grown as adults and in our freindship. The day she left I was filled with a sadness and a bit of anger. She was off to see my brother in Seattle area. I know a large part is due to the fact that my Mom wanted to spend Easter with my nephew. In true fashion my brother is a mess. He refuses to admit that he is in pain and pretends the past never existed. His wife plays along and they live in a world where it is better that I step away. I have only seen Kolton a handful of times in 3 years. Not from lack of trying but from the distance that my brother holds me back.

I am still angry at him a bit for not being at my Grandfathers funeral. I mean it was not like our family is huge. He seems to stay away unless it is something that is non-committal or energy spending. I sometimes wish i could throw away my memories like that and live in that space. I can't seems to let go of the memories sometimes that I laugh about and let sit in my head.

It made me so upset to think about loss and that there sometimes seems so much more loss then there is found. I still find it so unfair that Jacob had to lose his dad. I want to take the pain away and I can't. Upon moving I have lost something as well as I find my own. I have lost the sense of friendships that I though were more than they really were. I have been pushed away by people, which i suppose is normal for when people move... it happens and you slowly let it go...

Portland is good to me in many ways but the odd work hours and lack of knowing how to make friendships make it suck. I think that is why I have turned so much to social networking. I though I would have more time to get out and play or hear music. I haven't been able to since I moved and I even missed some great shows due to my work schedule. Now my schedule is making me miss my sweet Jacob since we have opposite schedules and finding times seems like a challenge and lack of sleep for one of us.

I really know that I want to do more to help people but sadly there isn't a job that is out there that says ... have a great heart, good friend, able to educate... I will be looking in the time... but I know that I really want to grow creatively but not sure where to go with it. I have been looking at schooling but still not sure what I want to do ... that has opened up a few insecurities in me about my work worth. I know that sounds a bit silly too.

I have decided to look into taking guitar lessons and maybe piano lessons as well. I will continues writing and moving forward and dealing with my emotions ... thank goodness I am in a safe place now...

I am also thinking of a whole new book idea. My partner inspired me and I am working through ideas and have to plan for this one and will see what it brings :)

The truth is that at this moment I am in a place of strange "loneliness" (for lack of a better word)... I am trying to find my place that in the world and not sure where I fit in anymore. I know that I am loved but I guess i am wishing for connections in more of the music world, and with certain parts of my family. I think it is true that you sometimes want to have what you can't have. I don't think that my requests are all that crazy and out of order but apparently people need to be in their own space ...

This is my random post that may not make a lot of sense but I have just been so scattered and hope to soon return to the my better head space...

2010 Yearly Song Pick

Nine years ago I started a new tradition of picking a "SONG OF THE YEAR" for my birthday. The song is a vision of where i have been and a glimpse into where i am heading ... the past years have been :

*Precious Illusions - Alanis Morissette (2002)
*Good Enough - Darren Hayes (2003)
*Kinda Hard - Eric Himan (2004)
*Farewell to The Old Me - Dar Williams (2005)
*Whole- Casey Stratton (2006)
*Phoenix Rising - Dan Paul (2007)
*Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood(2008)
*32 Flavors - Ani DiFranco

This year I chose a song from a particularly powerful EP. Christopher Dallman is an amazing singer songwriter that recorded an album Race The Light a few years ago. Christopher took some time off and it showed that he struggled to figure out his next move. The result was the heartbreaking honest new ep "NEVER WAS" (http://christopherdallman.bandcamp.com/album/never-was). This song that I chose is all about picking yourself off and saying it is time to either shit or get off the pot. It is that time for me. I am ready for the creative year I have started :) ENJOY!!!

COMING AROUND - CHRISTOPHER DALLMAN (2010)

I’m changing the way that I do business
I’m closing up shop
I woke up on a question
‘Is this my life or not?’
I’ve cooked the books so long
To feel like I was giving it a shot
But I’m not
I’m not

I don’t know how it got to where
I sleepwalk through every day
My pen don’t move
My guitar never seems to want to play
9-5 I’m half alive
How long have I been this way?
Keeping my
pulse at bay

The trick is how you choose to see it
It’s coming around, it’s coming around
If I can dream it, I can be it
It’s coming around, it’s coming around
On the horizon
This kid is wising up

Can you tell me brother
Can you help me understand
How a dream can grow so heavy
It nearly breaks a man?
My baby says to hold on
As long as I can
With a strong, strong hand

The trick is how you choose to see it
It’s coming around, it’s coming around
If I can dream it, I can be it
It’s coming around, it’s coming around
On the horizon
This kid is wising up

Visions

Here I Go Again, I See My Crystal Visions/I Keep My Visions to Myself...

VISIONS---that word has been floating around in my head a lot. According to the dictionary vision is defines as a “vivid, imaginative conception or anticipation: visions of wealth and glory.”

I think that Stevie Nicks said it really well with the song “Dreams”. I have spent a lifetime keeping my visions to myself. Well this past week I had a chance to talk about my experience of life over the past few years on a online radio show. The result from that was a wave of love and warmth from friends and family. It made me realize some of my vision I have never shared are happening right now in my life.

Sitting in our dining room at the table last night playing my now obsessive Café World on Facebook I looked across the room. I saw Dutchess and our cat Helen chasing each other. They were literally playing and I started to laugh out loud. They were so cute and enjoying life, at least as much as a Chihuahua and black cat can LOL.

A few years ago I sat down with my friend Dawn and we started to write out what we wanted for our lives in 1 and 5 years. Ironically we were at a show here in Portland. I placed the visions of what I wanted inside of me. The funny thing is I didn’t share much with anyone. I thought at the time what I wanted was silly. Boy was I wrong.

The envisioned that I would meet a man that would be non-judgmental and caring. A man that was a partner not just a “roomier with benefits “. I wanted a house with animals in it. A nice warm home to at night. A job that had more meaning to it then fixing people’s cell phone bill. Living in an area of creativity and being eco friendly. Having a nice camera to more shooting with. Have my health get better. There are a lot of other things that are all minor as well.

The point is that I envisioned what I wanted, I worked to make myself healthy and now here I am with all I envisioned. It is opening up a whole world of possibilities. I was reading about vision boards and I started to realize that anything is possible. I didn’t even create a board for my hope and dreams but I mentally envision it. How crazy is that?

I don’t plan to keep my visions to myself anymore and I feel there are more ideas and visions fueling the fire every day. I said this the other day it’s so true. I am at the best place in my life. I have never felt so safe and warm and it is now time to take this warmth and move forward with love and grace.

Thank you so much to the amazing people in my life who understand and accept me for who I am, they are the ones that constantly drive me to be better and move on to a place of healthiness and understanding J

Here is to visions…

Pt. 4 Medicated...

By the time I got around to accepting of sorts and disclosing.. the task of sitting down and talking to the Dr. about my numbers... UGH!!!!

The date was February and I had my latest test. It had only been 3 months since my diagnosis and less than six since I was infected yet my Viral load was 207,000 and my CD4 count was a scary 219. The doctor sat down with me and approached me with the option of whether we would want to start me on medications.

This is the one avenue almost all POZ people question. When and where to start. I started to fight it tooth and nail. The prospect of being on something that I would have to take to stay alive the rest of my life seems like the most horrible thing ever. My doctor sat me down and explained what the meds would do and how without them I would not be able to support my body in the future due to the dropping numbers.

Hesitantly I said yes but not until after my birthday in March. Somehow my birthday snuck up on me and I had to face the hard reality that I would be starting Medications. Previous to that I had to go through what they call HAART. I met with a nutrition specialist, then it was a pharmacist, then a social worker, and then a the trial center to see if I fit into any trials.

When all was said and done I started on my meds (they put me on Truvada, Reyataz, Ritonavir) on March 21st. First day of spring and all that jazz LOL. I seriously thought a new beginning was in store so many things in my life at the time were so chaotic but at least i was able to breathe a bit and rest up.

The day I started my meds i was doing pretty good... or so I thought until I smelled the wafting of Thai food in the neighboring restaurant... that is when my gut went into convulsions. Aside from that I felt good though. Two days into the meds I woke up one night to use the restroom and woke up with my roommate above me asking if i was ok. Apparently I had passed out in the hallway ... of course I went to bed and called the doc in the morning.

By this point everyone at the clinic knew me by name and was always happy to see me cause I approached everything with a biting fun humour. They did some tests and I waited to see what was going on. Results came back and apparently I was having a case of IRS (aka Immune Restoration Syndrome). That is right there is a good kind of IRS.

BTW this would be a good time to note that I have learned acronyms so much since my diagnosis. They are something that just come and go.

My blood was drawn a week after i started my meds and we did the test and I was in shock. Apparently the reason I was so sick was the IRS had brought about a shock in my system due to my drop in viral load. In one week I went from 207000 to 200. My CD4 went from 219 to 289 in one week. The doctor was very excited about all this.

The symptoms slow faded away and were fully gone within a few weeks. The worse part was just adjusting to taking the meds daily and the reminder that this was my life. It was about two months before i was completely undetectable and my cd4 went up.

The one thing though I was thankful for was living in a time when that was the least of my side effects. Truth be told that it was so mild that I could have been worse at one point.

Starting meds was hard but I do continually look at how they have saved my life. Today my numbers are good as of last week I am still have an undetectable viral load and my CD4 is 419. I was told that I will never have high numbers but I am feeling the best yet in my life as far as my HIV health goes.

to be continued

Pt. 3 Disclosure...

I haven't forgotten to write about more about my journey ... my head has just been exploding with ideas... when i left off last I was told meds would be in my future...

The journey that I had up to this point was not without bumps and hiccups. The first thing that was hard for me was the coming to terms of having to "come out" again ... the first thing i realized is that most of my friends were heterosexual and that they did not understand what was going on with me even though they tried hard.

I told my mom as well. That was sad to tell her and her reaction seemed one of disbelief. I had at that stage of my life pretty much thought of myself as the pink sheep of the family. I was the one who had the first piercing in the family when I got my ears pierced at 16. I died my hair numerous colours, wore black clothes in high school all mopey and Robert Smith like.

Being the one who was always wanting acceptance from my mom, especially since I was not a bio - son was such a challenge. I felt my mom would roll her eyes and say "what did you do this time"...

"Mom, I have to tell you something very important. I am healthy but I had a test and it came up that I was HIV positive" ... the silence was deafening. She was the hardest to tell. I ha at that point that I had a lot of close friends and people who would stick by my side. In my head I thought... this is Seattle so the open mindedness would get me through. Sadly that was not to be had. I am friends with very people in seattle since before I was diagnosed.

It was this path that led me to Dunshee House. I actually didn't know anyone in my group that had HIV and so I as I disclosed and the weight of the virus sat on me the shame set in and I felt so horrible about all my actions. The worst part was that everyone wanted me to be as carefree and upbeat as I had been in the past and once I did disclose they wanted to pretend it wasn't there and to "get over it" as so many people had told me.

I learned sometimes when others do not know how to relate to the hard to deal with stuff they just ignore it and push it to the side like that caged tiger in the living room pacing and waiting to prowl. The difference here is that the Tiger was me and I needed to get out what was inside me.

Four months after my diagnosis I had a visit from one of my closest friends in the world. We were to spend time hanging out and seeing our fave singer Eric Himan play two shows in Portland and Seattle with Levi Kreis. The first day she was here we were talking about boys and life and all that is involved with those conversations. Once again skating over this pacing tiger.

I remember walking down Olive Way and in front of the Olive Way Starbucks (or as seattle-ites) referred to it GAYBUCKS. "what is wrong with you, I am missing my Michael." my reply was "oh sorry I will pretend I am happy"... we walked in silence... upon getting home the fight started...

"If you are going to be an asshole then I am leaving" her words angered me even more as I yelled... "yeah I think that is the best... go away like everyone else" ... that is when it hit me what was going on...Dawn turned around and asked "seriously what the hell is going on with you ... I miss my michaelman..:" I lost it and started crying ... "he is not the same Dawn and you have to understand that... everyone wants me to be the same and I am not the same ... " she held me and said she was sorry and that she was o selfish and wanting me to support her through all this.

I learned that night a major lesson that sometimes we have to state our needs and let them be what they are whether it seems to much. The truth is that I was so into making everyone else be happy and supporting them in my diagnosis I didn't let anyone know or allow myself to ask for the support and help that I needed. Sometimes just saying you need support can be all you need.

The following week I called my mom after not talking for almost 5 months. I called and said "this not talking things isn't working for me. " My mom and i both admitted that we just needed time to ingest the meaning of all this HIV stuff." We talked about it all and how it was hard for both of. That changed a lot of the way my mom and I communicate and it has been better ever since.

I found that even though there was a lot of loss friend-wise with my diagnosis that I was blessed with a whole new group of people around me that are so amazing and care for me just for me poz or not. I also find that I need to speak up when I need something and not be ashamed to ask for it.

To be continued....

Open to Blessings...

The loading up of the truck went so fast it was crazy ... I said to goodbye to my Lacey and my Brandon... and off we went... It felt so good getting closer and closer to Portland and to Jacob's house. The unloading went just as fast as we loaded everything in to our soon to be office .... after that we needed a drink and some much needed rest. LOL

I was tired and knew the next day I was to start my new job at Pacific Interpreters. The job is a kind of an old hat for me ... it is a customer service/call center job. I answer calls from medical facilities around the world and connect them with interpreters of over 200 languages. It is actually a job helping people. That makes it so rewarding.

The past week and half has definitely been an adjustment yet it all feels so natural as well. I did finally get all unpacked and the house is really coming together so well. I am finding so much good energy surrounding us. I am so blessed. I have learned to shy away from the phrase lucky simply because it not true. I have worked and learned so much about myself and I truly can see that it is a blessing that Jacob came into my life and brought me to Portland after years of wanting to live here.

Thinks are settling and I felt as if all my dreams are slowly coming true and Jacob has welcomed me into his life with open arms and the warmest and kindest heart imaginable. I am also so blessed with the people that I have supported me so very much. I am at the most amazing place in my life. I feel that I am at a creative outpouring that I have never had and I am truly in a safe space to push myself.

This is more of an update email more than anything... but an update nonetheless...

Reflection

Yesterday I tried something:
Before my morning shower I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom... I looked at my body. I noticed all the imperfections, all the scars, moles, the way my skin looked, the paleness, the various tones, freckles, etc.
Mirror time been something that I have done since I started meds about four years ago. I worry so much about my body changing and where fat is and where I have lost weight. So much talk and writing about lipodistrophy. This is a massive fear not only because of the meds but I am getting older and bodies change a lot as we get older. It's a fact.
The subject of bodies and the way they look has been on my mind a lot lately. Watching a recent Oprah (Jacob has gotten me hooked on watching her) episode she talked about a family who was so obsessed with technology (Facebook, Twitter, Texting, Emails, Video Games, etc) that the family was suffering. Oprah brought in a guy to help the family organize the household. It included "un-teching" the house. The next step was to clean up the house. The guest explained that your home and space are a reflection of how you feel inside. WOW!! That hit me very hard.
I started to think about the people in my life. The first person that popped in my head was my current roommate. He lives in what I would consider filth. The floor is covered with clothes, garbage, change, and other things I fear to even mention. His bed is always such a mess that he rarely sleeps on it, instead choosing to sleep in the living room almost nightly.
He seems so sad and miserable inside... I could call him an Eeyore, in fact he actually speaks similarly to Eeyore. His space very much indicates how he feels inside. I started looking around at people and noticing that many people who live in chaos have a distinct lack of cleanliness. There is a reflection that goes way beyond what just what we see in the mirror. I feel I have to have things around me clean and organized. That is truly how I feel inside.
I started to think a lot about the gym bunnies that live their life at the gym. There is a certain reflection that they see that is a reality to them. I personally feel for some the gym body skews what is normal and what is not normal. I would love to have a body like that but the time it takes to create means sacrificing a lot in some cases. For some that means the only connections you have are all tied to the gym and not far reaching from that.
I stopped reading magazines like ADVOCATE and OUT simply due to the rarity of seeing a body that is average. Gay culture in general is as bad as women magazines when it comes to image. I have spent a lifetime trying to be 5'11" and 150# but it just isn’t possible. I have finally resigned myself to the fact that in gay culture that we have set ourselves up for failure with all the labels. Not to say that I have never used them. I am just as guilty trying to figure out which category that I fit into.
Term like twinks, bears, muscle bears, leather daddies, cubs, wolves, otters, etc are not the most positive terminology. Are we so bad that we need to compare ourselves t o animals? The one plus though is that with gay culture there is a spot to fit in with each type. Groups that accept you as the “type” you are.
I am getting older I realize that the most important thing is to just be healthy and to be happy with who I am and how my body is built.
There is reflection that we all have, the question is are you happy with your reflection on the interior as well as the exterior. I am learning to look around me and appreciate the reflection that I see and know that I am in the best place and that my home, life and friends reflect what I see. I want to have the life around me be a reflection of who I am.
So today I stood in the mirror and started to appreciate how far I have come and how blessed I am with the reflection that is in front of me and surrounding me.

Moving on... Growing up...

I am feeling a bit topsy turvy as of late... I wasn't planning to write an "update" blog but I figured that I had to for my own state of mind and sanity... at least get it out of my brain...
All this started about a year ago ... I was so content with what my life had brought into the healing that I was experiencing. I had been in intensive therapy for a couple years and life was good. Then I met Jacob. I had no clue at the time that a relationship would fit into my world but I know life felt different the moment I walked into Barnes and Nobles to meet Jacob. I saw him and it really was different than anything I had thought or felt before.
No guy I knew had ever driven 7 hours round trip just to have a date with me before but he did and then he continued to. The night after our first date I remember staying awake looking at the ceiling and smiling and telling Dutchess (my Chihuahua) all about Jacob.
Flash forward through some great memories, experiences and a very trying and bonding year to last week. I stayed with Jacob in Portland and did some interviews. Last Monday (2/1/2010) I was offered a job and I accepted. This means so much to me. I will be moving in with a man that I love so much and who I truly adore and is all I have dreamt of.
I have wanted to move to Portland for a couple years now but I knew it wasn’t the right time quite yet. Well the right time came and I will be moving on 2/15/. I am sitting in my desk at AT&T for the second to last day and just feel a mix of happiness and sadness.
The sadness in knowing that there is so many great people in Seattle are that I will truly miss and there are so many memories here that are engrained inside me. Growth and strength that I never knew was there when I started living here. Sadness in letting more of my "kids" go and be growing on their own adventure without me as a constant.
Though there is a happiness as well that it is finally my time to grow and live and enjoy the moments that I have longed for my whole life. I know that I have resisted letting myself completely go in a relationship due to a sense of duty to the ones that I love. I know that I have made sacrifices and pushed myself for others. Well this is my time. I feel like a grown up for once. I feel so happy that I am "Defying Gravity" (yes, a Wicked musical reference) and taking care of my wants over others for the first time in my life.
I feel it is my time to settle down and find what I have seen so many others get and I have supported my loved ones as a way to heal myself. Now I see though that I am healed and that I want to be happy and grow old with Jacob and know that I have so much kindness and love around me.
That is beauty of life... it is always changing and growing and morphing. Once you think that you have it figured out you will see that you are only beginning the journey. Just now finally scratching the surface of what you are capable of. I am capable of more than I have ever allowed myself to experience.
YES! I am giddy and excited. I am so ready for experience that I can own and not "rent" from others ... This is my time and I plan to take full advantage of it and with the support of those around me it will be amazing and brilliant. With Jacob as my partner in this life it will be a journey that is more about us and not as much just them....
Portland here I come....

Health Care Costs

I brain has been exploding with topics and it is a great feeling to think I have a lot of ideas... sad part is I am not sure where to start .

I started thinking lately about the medical field. Truthfully before my diagnosis I was one to rarely get sick or even go to the Dr. I lived by the old rule my Grandma always taught me "Wait it out for 7 days if you are still having symptoms, then go to the Dr. " It worked about 99% of the time.

Of course with my diagnosis that all changed. I have been very blessed with some great programs that exist here in Washington state. In particular the E.I.P.(Early Intervention Program) was so important when I was not working or working at Starbucks. Starbucks had insurance to PT employees but sadly the cost was so much it ate very heavily into an already small, and minimum waged check.

I started work at AT&T (where I am currently employed) and I was blessed with very nice insurance (No deductible or out of pocket). After years of the amazing coverage available, the company changed the plans. It is still excellent but still made me wonder how much I was saving myself.

The past year I have become much more interested in the health care system. For a few reasons, one is that I am getting older (a scary yet fact of life). I find that I am coming down with more little things. I am also looking at the future of moving to Oregon. . At this stage I am finding that I look at insurance, HIV programs, with all that is included.

My BF is highly organized (thank goodness) with details I would never have thought about. We are preparing the paperwork such as Domestic Partnership, Insurance details, Living Will, Life Insurance, etc. I constantly find myself “when did I become a grown up”. It crept up on me and now I am on the other side of the wall between youth and adulthood.

In the midst I have started looking a bit further into the costs that I was not as aware of in a case such as what would happen if I was not covered for a period of time. This is what I found as of June 2009 numbers:
My HIV Meds:
Retrovir $405.59
Reyataz $892.91
Truvada $867.99
My Anti-depression/anxiety Meds:
Celexa $4.00
TOTAL= $2170.49/mo.
$26,045.88/Tr.

Now I will put into perspective that I just filed my taxes and based on my wages this would leave very little for me to live on if I had to pay full price. The part that floors me is that these are not just random meds; these are meds that basically sustain my life. Last year the FDA stated that they are working on making generic meds that will hopefully someday be available.

This doesn't include the healthy food to keep us in check and help assist with our immune system and overall health, vitamins, and basic needs. The truth is it costs a lot to be healthy and take care of our bodies and it is even more important when infected with any type of disease. Whether it be HIV, Diabetes, etc. The one thing this doesn't include is all the other costs for something else you may have that is part of having a more sensitive immune system.

The two things that sit my head a lot is
1) How many people I have heard sat that HIV is very manageable now and that it is not a death sentence. I know that it is nothing like it was 20, 15 or even ten years ago. But that doesn't mean that it is a cake walk. The idea of the meds, dr. appointments and added stress of a disease that is a content reminder of your mortality can be daunting as well as tiring.

2) The other issue it brings to mind is the state of the health care system in this country. It must be terrifying for anyone who doesn't have or can't afford conventional health care. The deductable for so many health plans is so high. The truth is that a lot of people are in arms about the health care reform bill. I personally don't feel that a lot of the government officials have truly experienced what it is like to have something chronic. If more people had to struggle and be working class they would be more compassionate about the basic needs that so many of us desire just to live day-to-day.

I really hope that as we progress in our governments; health care reform eyes are opened by the rich and upper class we will see a change and an open minded-ness to what truly needs to happen in order to alleviate the stress of the working class of society. The stress alone in knowing the cost of health care reminds me that we are all struggling and that time will hopefully show the growth in the reform movement and society will have one less stress to combat.

"Here's to forever and this life so unkind" -MLH

Pt. 2 Falling Down

After my diagnosis the shock had set in and I was lost as to what to do at that stage. I went back to get my final results on December 8th. Miles went through the results and suggested to go to the local intake clinic. I also had second therapy appointment after my intake and they had diagnosed me mildly manic depressive. My soul had taken a dive for the best.

The next day I got a call from Mary Jo with the One 2 One clinic. Mary Jo was one of those people you just don't forget at all. "Hey Michael, this is Mary Jo with One to One. How are you doing? Are you doing ok mentally? Can we see you tomorrow" I reluctantly agreed and figured I may as well get the ball rolling.

I remember sitting in the lobby thinking "Is this what I have to look forward to? Office chairs, the sterile clinic smell, awkward patients in the lobby, horrible magazine (except People, of course)."

"Dr. Wood will see you now Michael"

I didn’t know at the time but Dr, Wood was very renowned for his knowledge and work in the HIV world. The first blood draw was done, and he asked how I was doing and how my health felt. "Shitty, I have these fevers, chills, I feel like my whole body hurts and I hate my blood and can't even jack -off, I feel dirty" Dr. Wood chuckled a bit and said "Michael you know you can't give it to yourself" I started laughing and couldn’t stop. That was my first laughter in over week and it felt good.

Dr. Wood had actually been HIV+ for over 22 years and he was very knowledgeable from a personal and professional experience. He did a physical and touched my body and kept doing that "HMMMM” that makes a patient wonder what is going on. He started asking where exactly it hurt on my body, as he felt all the areas he explained that I had a condition called ARC (AIDS Related Complex) Hearing the words AIDS freaked me out. Dr. Wood assured me it wasn't bad, stating that all the patients who got ARC in the early days are still alive and a lot who didn’t have it passed on. Seeing that it wasn’t a condition most people got we were not sure what that meant for me.

We did preliminary blood work and then he referred me to the HIV office and a an official Dr. devoted to my care. At this stage I had lost 50 pounds, still working 60-70 hour work weeks and pretending my health was just fine. I vented very cryptically in my blogs... to this day those are the hardest things for me to read that I have ever written.

The following month I reverted deep into myself and tried to figure out what to do and how to proceed. I make a major decision to live my life the way I always did and be open about everything... I put myself out there simply because I didn't have any friends who were poz and I severely needed support.

The one lesson I learned sadly though was a lot of people wanted to support me but didn’t know how to and slowly fell away from me as I tried to immerse myself into a world I didn’t know at all. In January my Best Friend Dawn came to visit me. Walking around and trying to be like it was before she had moved to Florida a year earlier she asked me why I didn’t seem the same... That set off a firestorm of emotions and I lost it... "I'm not the same Dawn, I will never be the same and everyone wants me to be the way I was before and it is not possible to be that person again"

That was the first time that someone said ... "OMG I get it , this changed you" ... The next day Dawn walked me to the local HIV support place DUNSHEE HOUSE ... the next week I started in a group that was primarily newly diagnosed guys ... how what a relief that was for me.

The following month my next set of blood work came back ... my CD4 count was 219 and my VL was 207,000. At this stage I had stopped working FT the massive hours were killing me, I was working PT at a local Starbucks and my day consisted of work and then sleeping ... I was still having the fevers and night sweats and the extreme lymphitis. I hadn’t started meds for fear of being on meds the rest of my life.

At this stage it was time to make some major decisions...

To Be Continued....

'00's -- My Grand Decade

In writing about the New Year there is so many thought on my mind. Writing about the year 2009 was an easy task. Writing about the decade is harder. How do you look at a decade and contemplate all the changes that have taken place? all that happened? I feel more like.. What didn’t happen?

The first, and most obvious change that occurred, was my writing. I discovered the world of blogging. Thank GOD. It was my sanity and I am thankful for that. I love writing getting my thoughts out and being able to go back and see how far I have come. It has been a journey of slowly coming out my shell more and more. I share my heart and soul and withhold less and less.

I discovered the world of Independent music. Now, I feel like I would be lost musically without the likes of Eric Himan, Casey Stratton, Christopher Dallman, Aiden James, Sacha Sacket, Gregory Douglass, Ryan Mintz just to name a few of the many I have learned to love.. I became inspired. I started to learn about how hard some people work for their art. Never taking that for granted has meant the world.

I did take most of the decade off to not work on my own music. The decade that was the 90's I wrote close to 100 songs and just became disillusioned. I worked so hard and ended up having it all blow up in my face. That will be changing in this next decade. Though the hiatus was needed as I had to live some life and see the world a bit more.

In the last decade I dated, (a lot). But I am glad I did. As each person that I dated taught me more and more about myself and who I was, where I was going, what I wouldn't tolerate and what made me happy. I ended the decade on a great note with my search concluded. I walked away with stories, experiences, and the chance to grow into who I am now. I am thankful I get to end the decade with Jacob for showing me true love that is so undeniable.

I winded my way through many groups of friends, many characters, many seasons. I ended the decade once again with a very close knit group of people who are so supportive, caring and open hearted. I know that I am not alone and that I have support all over the country, world even. I am so Thankful for Brandon, Dawn, Rose, Heidi, Lacey. Austin, of course Dutchess, and others I know I will forget some more but you all know who you are. I feel truly supported and embraced.

I moved away from my home for the first time in my life to the "big city" of Seattle. Funny, when I moved to Seattle it was seen to me as a huge metropolis. I remember, vividly, my mom calling me and so worried. Seattle was my first adventure on my own here away from Spokane. My “Wide Open Spaces” phase. Speaking to my mom on the phone one night while waiting for a bus, she started to cry and said she was so worried about me. Those days are way past and now my mom cries wishing I would just come home more often. She has stated many times how proud she is of me and I feel it.

I moved back to Spokane shortly, 2006. Once there my mom said that she knew I had a home in Seattle, that I no longer belonged in Spokane. I knew as well. The night of December 11th, on a Seattle visit, I stood on the Alaskan Way bridge watching the city with my friend Lee. The city moved and glowed so brightly. The following week I moved back to Seattle.

Though the distance from my family has been hard, it has also brought us closer together. More than I ever planned. My mom and I are closer than we have been in my whole life. I have amazing siblings and cousins and grandparents that showed me that as we get older much disputes, pain, and indifferences gets settled in the dust that is the past. Sadly my Grandpa didn’t get to see the decade end (close though) but I know that he was proud of me and who I have become.

I have learned about myself and at the core WHO I am. I have confronted the monsters deep in me and fought off the demons that battled my inner being. I have challenged my beliefs, challenged my perceptions. I have embraces all aspects of the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender world. I have learned to stand up for what I believe

The start of 2010 looks to be more adventures and moving to the next place and stage in my further development. I hope to look back in ten years and say that I have grown even more.

So, for now, thank you ‘00’s. You were the decade of change and acceptance for me.

Here is to forever and this life so unkind…..